Monday

Insecurely

I read a statistic this morning that 70% of girls think they're ugly and 50% of girls think they're fat.

In my personal experience with girls in workshops, I think the statistic runs even higher.

Girls need a different message than the fake beauty perfection that's being handed to them from our culture.

Take a look at this wonderful message from this word poet. Share it with the girls you know.




Tuesday

Do You Know the Latest?

Miley is in the news again.

But maybe it's YouTube that should be.

Is the new thing on You Tube "naked is cool?" I guess it is, as long as it's "art".

I'm just letting you know, in case you don't know, that it's becoming more of a regular thing that clothing is optional in music videos....in case you have some little eyes roaming the computer alone. Or big eyes.

( I've heard my girls say more than once they've had to stop young kids from roaming too much on the internet while babysitting.)

Miley's new video is The Wrecking Ball. She swings naked from a wrecking ball and at other times licks a hammer. Usually nude. Here is where she gives her explanation of why her video is art-
click here to read all about it. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/music-arts/miley-cyrus-downplays-wrecking-ball-nudity-video-article-1.1452787

According to the New York Daily News, "The singer has broken the VEVO record for the most views in 24 hours with more than 19 million watching her swing from a wrecking ball naked. But she wishes ‘people can take their minds off the obvious.’"

(Vevo is like You Tube, so ya know. Keep an eye on what your kids are browsing!)

The best part of all of this is the tweet that is now famous.  Some guy tweeted "when miley cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music".. but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot."

There ya have it.

Choosing a Good Husband Pt 2- Check Yourself

Are you one that wants to get married ONE time and make it work?  

To actually stay married for life?

If so, good for you. It's possible. A good goal. Not gonna lie, it's hard, but it IS possible. The best headstart you can give yourself is choosing a good man to marry. They are out there!


 Yesterday we held out 10 qualities to see if your man is a keeper...a man that will make a good husband in the long run.

Today, let's talk about YOU. Your outlook on life and marriage. These are outlooks that will help or hinder you from being the wife that he can marry one time, for life.


1.  Marriage works best when two whole people, confident and complete within themselves, marry each other. If each person feels like a half, searching for someone to complete them, they will most likely end up disappointed in marriage. No other person can complete you. Work on becoming "whole" yourself, in your own identity and in your relationship with Jesus, the ultimate Fulfiller. Choose a man who is complete on his own also, confident in himself and his relationship with God. Two wholes make a marriage. Two halfs make a hole that will never be filled. Are you looking for someone to make you feel better and complete? Or are you your own person with confidence and goals, who happens to find someone you'd like to live your life out with? Have your own dreams for your life. Be a whole person with or without him. Be confident.


2. Don't marry a dream. What you have is what you get. Aren't girls infamous for thinking "I'll change him?" You won't. Or "things will be different when we're married?" It won't. So, don't marry what you want him to become, or the idea of what you want marriage to be. Look very clearly at what you have NOW because that is what you have.  If you don't have it dating, you won't have it married. Is that too blunt?

3. Keep your standards high before marriage. Don't marry what you're not willing to live with. This is tricky, because some girls' standards are so high they will never marry. Then again, some girls explain away flaws that they'd rather not see, in order to not be alone. That understood, it is still important to keep your standards high if you want a really good man. This leads us to point #4.

4. You want to have high standards before marriage, but depending on how you think, with some girls it's a fine line between high standards and expecting perfection. Even in high standards, you can't expect perfection.  You won't get every single thing you want in one man. It's impossible. Be picky, but not unrealistic. No one is perfect and guys will make mistakes. As will you. Which leads me to point #5.

5. You need to have someone older and more mature in your life to help you decide if some mistakes are immaturity and forgivable, or if they are deal breakers. Sometimes you can only see that if you're older and have lived longer, so a mentor friend is very valuable. More on that below.

6. Don't unfairly judge your man based off of what has become dubbed as "chick porn". Chick porn consists of all the love stories, books and movies that portray boyfriends as perfectly charming, impossibly good looking and always "on" in the ultra romantic department. They slay dragons and run through the crowded streets of Manhattan to chase a taxi down in order to propose to the waiting female. Most guys aren't going to live up to that romantic Hollywood ideal. That's not entirely real.


You don't want to be judged by guy porn, do you? Girls that aren't entirely real? He shouldn't be judged on our girl version of porn, utter and total perfect romance at all times. It makes for a great movie, but then many are dissatisfied with the real guy next to them on the couch. Think about it.

That said, I would worry about a dating relationship where there was NO romance, pursuit or adventure. Most guys will muster up romance during the dating phase to win you over and that is a big part of dating! It's good to feel pursued and romanced, to know that he really wants you. 

7.  Let a good guy be a good guy, without having to be THAT guy. Banners and posters, flying leaps out of airplanes, and heart shapes mowed into cornfields are not going to last. They are endearing, yes, and make for great memories and pictures. But sometimes a guy who simply asks you, face to face, to the prom  (or to marry him) is a good guy.  (For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, asking a girl to a dance, a prom or to marry him has of late become an art form. One that I wonder about- are guys intimidated by this? Have girls become too demanding in their expectations of romance and exploits for simple invitations? Guys, be thoughtful, respectful, charming and maybe even romantic in your invitations to girls, but save the big one for a marriage proposal.) Girls, if he's speaking to you face to face and is sincere and thoughtful, receive it, even if there's not fanfare.  If he happens to be strumming a guitar singing a song written just for you, good for you, enjoy it!


8. Tell yourself the truth. Girls, we are SO good at lying to ourselves, seeing what we want to see and explaining away red flags. Ask friends who care about you and are brave enough to tell you the truth. The ones you're afraid to ask. If a lot of people close to you are questioning you two as a couple, listen carefully to that. Ask yourself why you're afraid to talk to some friends about him. Listen to family. Be honest with yourself about any red flags you see.  Everyone I know who is now divorced say they ignored red flags before getting married. Divorce is an extremely painful process. Listen now, even though it's hard. It'll be harder later.


9. Take it slow. Enjoy the process. Enjoy friendship. Don't rush it. We live in an impatient culture that hurries everything along. Instead of acting like you're married, (going on trips together, spending Christmas morning with them, living together, having sex, having him read marriage books with you)  just date and see if you enjoy each other. Hang out, have fun, be friends, date. You can add all those other things when it becomes appropriate. Some things are better and less complicated when waited for.

 10. Make your decision a matter of much prayer. Follow peace in your heart. God will direct you. He wants good things for your life, so let Him in on this decision- the biggest decision of your life. He knows your heart, your life and what is best for you. 



5 Questions to Ask Yourself-

1. Do you really, really love him?

2. Does he bring peace or drama to your life?

3.Does he make you a better person? Are you freer to be yourself or do you feel controlled?


4. Have you lived through each season together?  Summer, fall, winter, spring? Have you been through some "life" together? Hit a bump or two? it's good to be together long enough to have a challenge or two to work out.


5. Are the things that bug you when dating deal breakers, or livable? If it bothers you now, it will only escalate in marriage. Ex. If the issue is that he's messy, you are able to deal with that.  You may not like it, but you can learn to deal with it. If the issue is he cheated on you when dating, that's a deal breaker. Talk it over with your older mentor friend who has lived longer than you. Almost 100% of affairs I've heard of in adult married couples had cheating involved during dating or engaged years. That's a serious issue that will probably be repeated, so you need to talk to someone about it.

Friday

Choosing a Good Husband Pt 1


Our youngest :)
Recently a couple of girls I've known for years, who are now at the age to consider marriage, asked me for a list of relationship advice. Advice geared toward those considering getting married.

 That is such a huge question. We could either be really simple, "follow your heart", or we could go overboard with a looooong checklist of demands....

I tend to be wordy in print, so looks like the list will err toward long....However, that's actually what these girls were asking me for, I believe. In a world where so few couples stay married, they were asking for real tips.

How do I choose a husband that I can actually stay married to for life? These girls are Christians and know that I am, so my list will be geared that way. As I wrote my answers for them, the thought occurred, why not blog this? There are obviously so many more good thoughts, so don't get mad at me if your best tip isn't on here. It would be FAB if you would leave yours in the comments!

SO, feel free to take what fits and throw out the rest. Though I really believe all these are important. :)

Part one focuses on HIM. (more to come, focusing on YOU).


10 signs that mean he might be a keeper:

1. Marry someone who loves Jesus as much as you do and who believes in the covenant of marriage. Having that in common will put you lightyears ahead on the road to success. It can be hard to be married at times, but each of you having your own personal relationship with the Lord will give you both the foundation necessary to make it work. It still takes more than that, but at least foundation is there to work from.

2Choose a man of character.  A man of character is consistent. He treats you with respect, as well as others in his life- his friends, your friends, his mom, his family, his boss. He cares about honesty, commitment, respect and trust.  If he has a past that includes children or an ex, does he take care of them? Is his character the same online as it is in person? Is he open with you or secretive? 

3Marry someone you can laugh with, that shares your sense of humor. It's a wonderful thing and can help you through difficulties, besides just making life more fun anyway! If you're laughing together, you're probably friends, which is a great basis for marriage.

4. A good husband is responsibleDoes he have a job and a good work ethic? Does he pay his bills? Can you trust him in this area? Does he rely on you to do the responsible things or is he self motivated?

5. What is his family experienceThey say you don't just marry him, you marry the family and there is truth to that. What are you marrying into? What's his idea of marriage based on how he grew up? Someone with a similar family experience growing up is helpful, but definitely not necessary. Commonality just makes thing a little easier when you already think somewhat alike in family related issues. Do you both want kids? What are each of your expectations about you working or not working outside of home when you have kids?

6Marry a giver and not a taker.  In the Bible, dating isn't discussed, but marriage is. If you study the Ephesians 6 husband, he gives, not takes. He serves, doesn't demand. Love gives, lust takes. Read the chapter from that perspective. Of course, reciprocate that and be a giver also.

7Find a man that's teachable.  Everyone makes mistakes and as a couple you hopefully mature together. Part of that requires both of you being teachable, not stubborn or demanding or stuck on your own way. You can work many problems out in life if he is willing to admit he's wrong sometimes, and see another way. You of course should be the same, not just him.

8One push, one shove, one hit, he's out. Literally. Love is not abusive. I'm hard core on this, because of stories I know from friends. If he hits once, he'll hit again. You are not the one who needs to save him from this behavior. Someone else can help him. 

9. How are his words toward youHe should not call you ugly names.  His words should actually make you better. Back to the Ephesians 6 husband- as Christ "washes us" with the water of His Word, our husbands words to us should be cleansing and make us better.

10Find someone who celebrates who you are, not someone who tries to change you into what he wants, that isn't true to your nature. You should feel celebrated, not criticized, and free to be your real self.


Come back tomorrow for tips geared toward YOU.

(repost from 9-25-12)

Monday

Not-a-Garage Sale, With a Purpose!

Back to School Girls 101 "Not-A-Garage-Sale"!

This week I'm having what I like to call my "Not a Garage Sale" to raise money for 5 Things/Girls 101 goals!!

9/3 and 9/4 EVENINGS- Tues. & Wed. evening, 7:00pm-8:30pm
9/4 and 9/5 DAYS- Wed. and Thurs. 9:00am- 3:00pm (maybe FRI)


House stuff, furniture, d├ęcor, lots of CAbi clothes (some never worn), and Girls 101 silhouette shirts!

If I called it a Garage Sale I might stress out, so instead, I trick my mind and just post on Facebook (and now here) asking friends to drop by, talk and have coffee, and shop if they wish. Oh and I set out all kinds of good stuff in my house that can be purchased.

Friends have donated great stuff to the cause this year too!

Benefits:

I know everyone who may come.

Free advertising.

I'm working on my computer getting work done in between shoppers.

I get to see friends, catch up with people and talk about girl stuff, even find volunteers.

Good stuff finds a new home.

Money is raised that helps spread Girls 101 love.


Last year's sale helped me cover supply costs to do a volunteer workshop with 5th and 6th graders at Sequoyah Elementary School. We turned $270 into 15 happy girls at an at-risk school for 5 weeks, with the help of volunteers.

Personal Goal- A goal that I've had, that has been successful so far, is to cash flow any activities we do with Girls 101. For years I covered costs of groups myself when I worked part time, and the groups I held were for my own daughters and their friends.

As we have been trying to build this thing and expand into community and schools, no longer can I dip into family budget to cover these costs, so I've been determined to make or earn the money needed along the way, so as not to strain family budget (or nice husband haha). So it's been a slow pace, but one I've been okay with.


Goals- The goals I am raising funds for now include:

-the behind the scene less fun things that are required to expand further. In order to get Girls 101 workshop curriculum available to you, there are many costs involved- editing, graphic design, layout, website design, etc.

-there are also schools wanting to have workshops that may not have funding available, so we will be seeking sponsorship for the cost of workshops for schools who cannot cover it themselves.

Donate- If you believe in the cause of helping teen girls grow up well and encouraging moms along the way, you may donate toward our goals. There is now a Donate button on www.5things.us that you can give funds through Paypal. Checks can be sent to Girls 101, 9524 E. 81st St. B-1503, Tulsa OK 74133, made out to Girls 101.
 
Help is incredibly appreciated.
Much has been done through folks blessing us along the way, more girls are reached.
 
GIRLS 101 Silhouette T-shirts will be here for sale also!

 

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHOP, email me at hollytumpkin@gmail.com for address.

 
For the sake of reaching our girls, thank you to all!