5 Biggest Challenges for the American Teen Girl - Pt. 2

Meet Olivia. A girl I've known her whole life. She graduated from a large school district here in town, spent a year in college, then followed an "itch" that wouldn't leave. She is now at the University of Nations in Kona, Hawaii, working with YWAM (Youth With a Mission), doing missions and other exciting things, where she has found freedom!

I asked her recently for some insight into high school.

"What are the 5 biggest challenges of American teen girls?"

1. Figuring out who they are without the constant opinion of other girls who are also insecure in who they are. Trying to stay pure in a society that is all about showing that the unpure way is the only thing that will make you "desirable" or "wanted", not only by guys but girls too. Girls want to surround themselves with those other girls that guys want. It gives them security knowing that they are "in" and people notice them.

2. Teenage girls struggle with the societal opinion that "true love" is the climax of happiness in life. Whether that be through a movie that everyone talks about, music that is popular, or even the school system that pairs people off at every occasion (dances, homecoming, etc.) If you don't have "match" or have someone to make you not "single", then you don't fit in.... you are by yourself in a sense. You wont be happy until you have fallen in love.

3. Teenage girls don't understand what love really is. I know that I didn't learn the difference between love and lust until after I graduated high school. Understanding that lust looks for what it can get, and love looks at what it can give.. it is often misunderstood that people are "in love" when they are truly in lust.

4. Teenage girls struggle with talking to their parents about what is really being said at school or by their friends. Often times I found that myself, or my friends were embarrassed to tell our parents about what people REALLY say at school, and what really happens. I know that sometimes my friends or I would do something that was so shameful, but if we told our parents we were scared they would either get involved, not let us hang out with said person, or be so shocked that it would intimidate us to wonder what their reaction would be. There is a lot of pressure, especially in today's age, to be the girl that your parents can brag about, or are so proud of,  that when you do mess up, it is so devastating to your reputation. It minimizes the times that we are transparent or real with where we are really at in life. I found that a lot of times I would not want to admit even to myself that there was a problem because that was not "who I was", or at least who I was told I was, by my parents or friends.

5. American girls struggle with the pressure of college. It is expected that we have things figured out about where we are suppose to go in college, what we are suppose to be doing, how we are going to afford it, etc.  At the same time,  we are juggling extra curricular activities we are told we need for said future. Sports, grades, volunteering. There is all of this pressure to "know what is next". To often we are asked WHAT we are going to be doing rather than who we are, what we love, how we are.. the things that matter. We are not told enough that people will be proud of us for just simply doing what we love. It is looked down upon to choose to not go to a university or not know what you want to study. Pretty much every one of my friends that are in college have wasted thousands of dollars because they felt pressure to pick a major before they even knew what they loved or liked. That is mainly an educational flaw, but parents can help in giving that security to say that it is okay to not know who you are yet. It is okay to have no idea at 18 years old, and be told that in the next 5 years we are not going to be anywhere close to who we are in our teens.

Overall I think the number one thing teenage girls struggle with is security. We struggle with who we are, who we are suppose to be, and what others think.

Of course I had to ask her for more detail, especially about #4. As a mom, this hit me. The fact that our kids may not be real because of not wanting to ruin their reputation, even with us. So do we remain clueless when they really need help? I needed a concrete example of what goes on they would consider shameful, or questionable to tell mom, but is a real thing going on at school. I didn't know if she would give me an answer, but I asked anyway!

Ok, so a situation would maybe be the complete and total acceptance of sex, and actual encouragement of it in high school these days. Promiscuity is encouraged and applauded for some reason. It really depends on the group you are around. I had three groups of friends in high school-- my party friends, my athletic group of friends, and my best friends.. all different. Yet in each group the story was the same. Although of course in the party group this was much more likely to be found. But especially senior year, everyone is thinking " This is the last year I want memories" . Even leaders of the Christian clubs and kids you would never expect to fall did... and it was disappointing to me, but accepted and applauded in the grand scheme of the high school population. Whether that be sex, alcohol. (which usually go hand in hand) and all of the other things that come along with the insecure high school teenager.

I would say the most important thing that a girl would need in high school especially in our generation and culture is a safe place to really be honest about whats going on. Spiritual warfare is SO STRONG.. and the amount of people that are trying to fight it, or believe that it's even real, is dwindling rapidly.

The 5 Biggest Challenges to American Teen Girls- Guest Blog

Jamie is the one in the picture who just graduated. I've had the privilege of getting to know her as she and my daughter have been friends at ORU. She has stayed at our house, spent a month in Africa with my daughter on missions, done Bible studies with us, helped with Girls 101, plenty of things. She has impressed me with her heart for God and what she's allowed Him to do in her life.

She would say she has changed a lot since her teenage days, and has let God into the difficult places, and let Him grow her up into the person she was made to be. She also has a blog where she shares some pretty profound thoughts, so you may want to follow her.

I wanted to ask her to answer a question I've had for girls who are still relatively close to teenage years. Things have changed so much since we were teens, and I have been curious to hear the thoughts of a few girls who can answer this question:

"What are the 5 biggest challenges to American teen girls?"

Jamie's answer:

That's a big question.

1. The pressure to grow up. I feel like a lot of girls just want to be "there" already. They want to wear makeup sooner and play outside less. They want to do what the older grades are doing because it looks cool and more fun.

2. Trying to figure out who you are. Girls want to be so unique but they also don't want to be the odd one out. Nobody ever wants to be the one on the outside of the circle, so I feel like a lot of girls give up things they like in order to be somebody that fits in. They want the likes on Instagram, Facebook, and in school.

3. Boys. They aren't as nice as they seem, and they aren't as mean as they seem. They're young, you're young. Girls want somebody to care about them, they want somebody to call theirs. They want that attention and I think a lot of stupid things happen because they're young and they don't understand the weight of their actions. It's honestly not a big deal to them at the time. Purity isn't really all that cool at that age.

4. Knowing who to be influenced by. Media is crazy today and girls see these beautiful pictures on Pinterest, Instagram, TV, music videos, wherever, and they see how cool that looks. They want their life to hold as much carefree, spontaneous and unique adventure as they see. They see how much fun it looks. Christian media hasn't done a spectacular job of being appealing in the media, and half of that is because we copy what the secular world is doing and slap a cheesy Bible verse on it. Girls don't want to be the odd one out, plain and simple. In the media, they don't see all these perfect girls missing out.

5. Partying. It's happening earlier and earlier and I think that's because of how easily it spreads. Through Snapchat, texting, and pictures that are posted online, girls see girls in the grades above them do it and they think it's okay because they weren't "the first ones". They want to have harmless fun. They hear the stories of their friends laughing for hours on end, or about how they don't remember taking this picture or walking to this place and a lot of girls want to be able to join in on those exclusive conversations.

The overall thing I keep going back to is acceptance. From friends, boys, the older grades, parents, etc.

My name is Jaime Bofferding and I'm graduating from Oral Roberts University with a Psychology degree and a business minor. I am passionate about people, media, and promoting Jesus in an authentic and real way. Check out my blog at: jaimebofferding.wordpress.com

Jamie would say that she has found answers to these challenges in her relationship with the Lord, and finding her identity, purpose and acceptance in Him. 

This is a helpful summary of what we can watch for as we guide tweens and teens into adulthood. Girls definitely feel the pressure of these things, and if we know what the problems are, we can be better equipped with some answers.

Middle School Matters!

So we just finished a Girls 101 camp for girls in middle school, where the topic of much conversation was identity, influence, friend problems, boys, pressures and other middle school matters.

I'm not sure why our culture works this way, but generally speaking, it seems many girls who grow up confident and free, somehow around 6th, 7th or 8th grade suddenly find themselves not so sure of themselves anymore. Even if it's subtle. Most girls go through this, (though I'm sure not all).

Should I be more this way or that way? I'm not sure where I fit in anymore. I'm not really like them, should I change?

It's probably always been this way, yet it seems our current age has even more pressure than it used to for teens. At least in my working with girls, I find it is true that they at least combat these thoughts, whether or not they ever act on them.

There is tremendous pressure for girls to grow up too fast. What is happening beginning in 6th grade in many places is, in my opinion, not things 6th graders should be dealing with. Nevertheless, in most places, girls will at least come up against these things- pressures of growing up too fast and having their identity questioned...so Girls 101 to the rescue!!

Because of all these reasons, we think it very important to converse with girls on these topics before they hit. In a setting like this, girls can talk freely about how these topics seem to affect girls in general, they don't have to share personal experience. As we discuss how things are in schools at large, personal application hopefully happens. I think that it does, based on anonymous things girls write at the end.

If a girl knows who she is, what kind of a person she wants to be, what kind of friends she desires and what kind of experience she would like to leave middle school with, she can equip herself to confidently get through teen years.

This Middle School Matters camp is designed to help girls think through these issues they will face, strengthen their identity where it may be weak, give them a higher vision, and most importantly, help them realize they are not alone in their experience.

It's amazing to see how relieved girls are when they find out most everyone is feeling the same way they are. Why do we think everyone else has it together but us? Even we adults fall into this.

Girls made collages representing who they are.

Magazines, media, tv shows, music, books- they often "sell" girls on what teens are supposed to be interested in. Typically it's mostly things like fashion, clothes, shopping, flawless skin, skinny bodies, popularity, great hair and boys. 

Like I told the girls, I love make up, clothes, hair products and fashion. However, those are not the most important things that life should be based on. We flipped through 4 magazines I just pulled off of a shelf at Walgreens that many teens read. As we analyzed what it says the typical teen girl is supposed to be interested in, here's what the girls came up with (the "I" on the poster is the stereotypical girl that magazines are marketing to):

There was a whole lot about butts, boys and boobs. Cute butt, coming soon! Go up a cup size! 

Girls are SO much more complex than that, wouldn't you agree? I know it's not the purpose of the magazines to do much more than sell us on these things, but in the context of the whole of culture, girls are being given the message over and over and over again that THESE are the goals of life. 

These are the things that in reality really are most important to many girls! 

Top teen girl stresses are summed up in 1) am I pretty? 2) am I popular? and 3) do I have a boyfriend?  

These are normal stresses for girls, but the intensity of them is what has changed. The constant media messages bombard girls daily. We need to combat that.

So we talk about their strengths and interests, who they are in multiple facets of life, and what goals and choices will lead them to the future they want. What talents do they have? What kind of grades and goals do they have? Who are they hanging out with? What dreams do they have? What kind of character do they have? How do they treat people?

"Picture what you want  your life to look like by the time your teen years end." What kind of choices will take you toward those goals and away from those goals?

A favorite is having older girls in high school and college share their thoughts, experiences and advice too. We had some amazing older girls gladly give of their time to these girls.

Many of our workshops are character based and we love those. This workshop came from the angle of faith based, so we shared tips on filling our mind with Scripture and promises of God when our thoughts turn negative. Knowing who we are in Christ puts us in a strong position to stand up against so many of the stresses of teen years.  

Very thankful for the group of volunteers who help lead these camps and workshops! I couldn't do it without them.

A Glimpse Inside of a Local Workshop

Instead of making excuses of why I haven't been blogging, how about showing you some pictures?

We just finished a super fun five week session of Girls 101 at a local public school. A very good group of girls, such sweeties.

Why am I always floored when they share why they liked the group and what they learned at the end of our five weeks? I don't know, except that it's a thrilling and encouraging thing for us as leaders to hear girls, unprompted and uncoached,  share the exact things we are hoping they take away from our time together.

Things like...

I got to know more girls that I didn't know well before.

I like that we learned what to do when we get bullied or see someone else get bullied.

I like leaving everything from the day behind and having fun here.

It helps to get stuff the negative stuff out of me and learn how to deal with stuff.

Hopefully using visuals the girls helped create, they will continue to remember things like...

not labeling people, even before giving them a chance

pursuing traits that make a good friend and avoiding traits that cause fights

assessing ourselves as friends as well as we assess other people (smile)

the power of words that can affect others strongly- both positively and negatively

One of my favorite things about new workshops is meeting 15 new girls in our city that I didn't know before.

I loved working with these wonderful ladies. All are former teachers who are now home raising kids. They love this opportunity to get back into a school, be with kids again and teach valuable life skills.

It was a thrill for me to have a photographer in the bunch share her talent! She captured amazing pictures weekly. Thanks to Elizabeth of Sanco Photography for contributing this valuable part. We were able to give each girl a fun picture collage at the end of our session as a momento.

Workshops are available for schools as an after school program, in 5 week sessions for grades 4-12th. If you would like more information, please email me at hollytumpkin@gmail.com.

What Do Our Lives Communicate?

Photo credit: Jadyn Noelle Photography

So I got a little distracted from this series by a personal issue and a current event but now, let's finish up thoughts on how today's communication has changed for all of us, especially teens!

Part One- Gone are the Days discusses the girls meeting I held where we went over all the communication problems now caused by texting conversations, instead of face to face communication.

Part Two- Distracted Relationships reveals that we adults too have been sucked in to the myriads of technology...enough to irritate our own kids at times.

So.  There are vast amounts of ways we communicate now. It used to be a hello and a handshake, or a handwritten, sealed, stamped letter that took days to arrive.

Now it's phonecalls, emails, texts, Skype-ing, Face Time and Instant Messaging. Just to name a few!

But many are the ways we may not be as aware of, that speak volumes about us too! And people are watching. Some things that have become normal for today's teen culture are fine, when considered and thought out ahead of time. Some things I don't consider fine. These are worth a conversation with teens.


We communicate through BODY LANGUAGE-

Tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, body language. These all contribute toward gaining true understanding of what a person is communicating. Is your friend rolling her eyes while talking to you or really paying attention to what you're saying? What does your body language say when you speak to friends?

Remember that when communicating through phone or social media, you're missing out on all these crucial elements of understanding true meaning. Many misunderstandings happen this way.

As a teen, can you hold a conversation with an adult? Can you shake hands firmly and look in the eye?

We communicate IDEAS everyday-

Whether we realize it or not, this is true. Do we pause to think about this? What ideas does your life communicate? 

Please stay with me through this thought. When talking to girls, I asked "What is your first thought of a girl who goes through lots of boyfriends in school?"  What does that communicate to you? And reverse it, what about boys who go through lots of girlfriends?

Your mind can come up with possible answers.  Not that the thought is accurate, and we are not encouraging judging people. I'm just pointing out that as humans, we cannot help but have an initial reaction or opinion to people's behavior. We may be able to work past that initial reaction and say to ourselves, "Well maybe that isn't true, I shouldn't judge". Hopefully so.  But let's face it, many people, especially in younger teen years, don't do that. It takes maturity. What we do affects what people think about us. And us of them. Right or wrong. Actions communicate.

Let's help our kids to think through initial thoughts of others, giving benefit of the doubt, not judging, yet being aware. And offering the forgiveness we all need continually. By the same token, help your teen realize that others are forming thoughts of them, right or wrong, and others may not be giving your teen the benefit of the doubt. It's important to communicate beyond initial impressions.

We communicate ideas about ourselves through PICTURES-

In today's picture obsessed world, this deserves alot of consideration.

Here is a wonderfully happy college girl like that I know. My daughter's roomie.  What does her picture communicate about her? By the way, this is how she looks most of the time! She is all flowers and sunshine to everyone she meets. It's just her. This picture reflects who she is.

During a girls meeting, I pulled up a random girl on Facebook that it took me awhile to find. No, I didn't know her, but half of the little square profile pic was her chest busting out of her rather small top.  Quiiiite a bit of cleavage shall we say.

I showed the picture to the girls. "What are your first thoughts? What do you think of her? What is she communicating about herself?" They obviously came up with answers. "Why do you think those things" is such an important question. She put her chest out there and that drums up alot of opinions, like it or not. It's human nature to have an opinion. So if you put your chest out there, odds are you'll drum up the same assumptions from others. Pictures communicate.

Consider the pictures you share and post on social media, or text to people. What are you communicating about yourself? Is it consistent with the image that you want others to have of you? If it is, great! Fabulous! If not, it's a good thing to think about.

It's way too common for kids to text underwear or naked pics to people. If you were to receive one of those, (heaven forbid), what does that communicate to you about the person who sent it? If you have sent one, what is the message you're trying to convey? Is that how you want to be thought of? Why?

I think we know that teen to early twenty years are pretty much known for silly, not well thought out behavior. I tell girls today they are the first generation that really don't have the luxury of not thinking first (unfortunately). If you take a pic, or someone takes it of you, there's not much to stop it from getting posted online, or sent to someone, whether you want it to or not.

Pictures live forever now. It used to be we could tear them up, destroy the negative. (yes, negative).  Now a picture is almost eternal! Let's be smart about it.


We communicate daily by CHOICE OF WORDS- 

Picture someone you know who always has something nice to say. They are well spoken, mannered, full of nice words. What do they communicate to you about themselves?

For those that are fellow fans of old movies, think about how classy and fun ladies were in the old Doris Day movies. Or Audrey Hepburn. Ladies were classy, well spoken.

What's fairly common in some circles today? For some girls to greet each other with "What's up b**ch?"  What does that communicate? It's a far stretch from the fun Doris Day days!

I remember being fresh out of college and getting one of my first jobs as a receptionist. A co-worker immediately didn't like me and passively called me a b*tch as she worked away next to me. I got up, went to my bosses office and said "I"ll not be working with someone so unprofessional and I won't be called a b*tch". Boss lady called us both in and we all had it out. I don't mind working with people who use language, but not directed at me. She never did it again, and we became friends.  In fact, one day when I was horribly sick at home alone in my apartment, she was the one who came and delivered medicine to me.

Another one, the EFF word is becoming way too common, with WTF and FML. If you don't know what those mean, ask a teenager. They all know. Because of texting, I'm afraid it's even more common with kids who normally wouldn't talk like that out loud. But they may type or text it.

Even if they don't say the words but text them all the time, does that make it different? That's up to you.

How you come across to people will either earn you respect...or not.

For those who are Christians, we talk about the difference between following culture just because it's culture, or following Scripture.  If culture says it's normal to send naked pics, should we do it?

We DO know.

Everyone has an internal measure. You know where the line is. Would you say certain things to your grandma or your pastor? Can I lead a girls meeting using the EFF or B word?

People know when to "clean it up" because we just internally know. Everyone would straighten up in front of the Pope. Why? People recognize certain behavior as wrong in front of someone "holy", for lack of better word.

It could be a fun exercise to pay attention to yourself for the next few days and try to see what others might see in what you do.

Discussion Starter with your teen: Go through each of the topics above and ask for their opinion on what they see at school on a daily basis. Hear out their opinions. For Christians, try and decipher what is just culture and okay, or what parts of culture contradict what Scripture teaches.

Thanks for staying with me. That was long!

Access Hollywood- A Good Example

If you've followed the last few blogs, you know we are highlighting positive examples in our culture, after looking at the problem of girls pushing for perfectionism and growing up too fast. If you missed any, check out October posts!

Shaun Robinson is a bright light in the midst of Hollywood. In a city that seems to be so filled with "image", Shaun has seen through the smoke and mirrors and heard the needs of girls. Plus she is fighting to make a difference.

Some might say that the Hollywood culture, always vying for fame and beauty, is what is wrong with our society. It is the very source of false hopes our girls cling to. Therefore they may not want to support someone in the midst of the culture. I disagree. People of standards need to be in all parts of society, bringing their difference, message and hope to every corner of the world.

I heard about Shaun, not through her weekend co-anchor position at Access Hollywood, but through the book she wrote called Exactly As I Am. Her job as an entertainment reporter allows her to meet the most famous celebrities of our day. Over the years, she has received countless letters and emails from girls around the country. She has recognized the danger of girls equating their own self worth with the perceived perfection of the celebrities they follow.

"Of course, the cultural obsession with celebrity is not new, but how it is impacting the way girls and women feel about themselves has become a passionate concern of mine- so much so that over the past few years I began organizing informal task-force groups of girls and young women from around the country to talk directly about their issues of self esteem." (excerpt from Exactly As I Am)

Her book is a compilation of stories from famous women of all types of accomplishments, from actresses to athletes to governors and scientists. Their stories center around their advice to young women about gaining confidence in their "tangible skills", instead of just looks. I encourage you to pick up a copy and read about the struggles that even celebrities go through with their self image. No one is immune from self doubt. It is nice to hear from women who have accomplished great things in their careers, even through adversity.

She is also on the Board of Directors of Girls, Inc., a national nonprofit youth organization dedicated to inspiring all girls to be strong, smart, and bold. Shout out to Shaun!

Pt. 4 - Making a Difference!

After 3 days of the issues, today is the hope!

This 5 part series on the early sexualization of girls was kicked off with the recent Toddlers and Tiaras episodes that have made national news; then we moved on to how marketing ploys push girls to grow up too fast on purpose; day three was a 7 year old's disappointed observations about her favorite comic strip heroine, "re-done" into a new sexier character (who did more posing than adventurous feats).

Today I want to tell you about some great people that are working to change all of these things.

On a day to day basis, we don't really hear too much about girl issues or organizations committed to them. But thanks to internet and twitter, it's been a pleasant surprise to find out about efforts being made all over the country to combat these cultural issues.

So today I'd like to introduce you to my fabulous new finds. These are great people fighting to help girls grow up well in this culture. Please take a moment to check out their websites and see the great works they are doing!

BEAUTY REDEFINED- http://www.beautyredefined.net/

photo credit: www.beautyredefined.net

Among the many other great things they do, a billboard campaign has started in Utah where they are based. Check out their website or facebook page to see the other billboards too! Website fabulousness- revealing advertising photoshopping that leads to false "perfect beauty" ideals, combatting pornography becoming mainstream in media and advertising and how that negatively affects all of us, men and women alike.

7 WONDERLICIOUS - http://www.7wonderlicious.net/

Great website for moms of little girls. They speak to the issue of how our culture's early sexualization of girls affects girls at younger ages. YES, I have heard of girls as young as 5 being told they looked fat, and it is very commonplace now in grade school for girls to be weight conscious. CHECK OUT this website for info on helping your daughter deal with those struggles.

DOVE BEAUTY (yes, the soap company) - Click on the links below to watch videos Dove has made to promote real beauty, not the photoshopped kind. (I still believe in makeup FULLY lol). There are plenty more if you google or youtube (just be aware there are lots of "parodies" on youtube also. Make sure it's a real Dove video).

Some favorites are:

Beauty Pressure

Case Study: Dove Campaign For Real Beauty 'Amy' (you will sigh and aaaahhhhh)

Time-lapse beauty / Dove evolution commercial

MEG MEEKER, M.D. - http://www.megmeekermd.com/ "The Wisdom of a Pediatrician, the Heart of a Mother". I have used Meg Meeker's books to teach girls from. She has a great website full of parenting advice, videos with encouragement and advice, and great advice for older teens and college age girls.



TURN IT AROUND - Facebook Group (if you do a search for it, the group logo is a Cosmopolitan magazine with a red line through it).

This is a group my girls and I started a year and a half ago. After years of covering eye level magazines from my girls view at check out stands, wishing they wouldn't display magazines like that, but not having time or energy to take on the whole publishing business, we had a great idea. The Turn It Around Campaign. If you see a magazine that you find offensive for women, or that young kids don't need to see, just turn it around in the rack.

A facebook page was created, lots of fabulous people joined and we started getting messages of people turning magazines around! Men too! Facebook is in the process of archiving groups, but as far as I can tell you can still join it! It's time to revive those efforts !

Watch the video some local girls made of turning magazines around. (They were trying to get on the Tyra show!)

FINALLY, to be fair, this whole sexualization in media affects boys too. Below is another link to a Dove video that shows the photoshopping of male models. It's only fair to point out to girls that their "ideal guy" may not exist, just like his "ideal girl" may not exist, looks-wise. Starts out kind of slow, but by the end you'll get the point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_I17cK1ltY

There is much hope and goodness in our culture and that is the part we need to focus on. There are many young people, boys and girls alike, who are living apart from this "ideal" that media tries to create. It's possible to be different! Having a strong identity and teaching kids to think through what they see allows them to discern media messages for themselves. That is what we need to be able to do.