Insecurely

I read a statistic this morning that 70% of girls think they're ugly and 50% of girls think they're fat.

In my personal experience with girls in workshops, I think the statistic runs even higher.

Girls need a different message than the fake beauty perfection that's being handed to them from our culture.

Take a look at this wonderful message from this word poet. Share it with the girls you know.

5 Things Story- Women in Their 70's and 80's Share Their Secrets

Today I'm super excited to have a guest blogger, Sharon Braner of SISTER CHAT blog. 

Sharon is a good friend of mine, a lady who is always in the middle of something. She leads awareness efforts about human trafficking, she's volunteered with me in Girls 101 workshops, she has a blog and a bookclub, and she spreads the word about a spectacular teen summer camp that her son Andy Braner runs- CAMP KIVU for teens. Whew!

I asked her to investigate and snoop around among her friends, and ask moms who have "finished" raising kids, "What are 5 Things you are glad you did?" Sometimes ladies who are mature in years think that their advice might be outdated for today's world, but I find that usually it's not. In fact, when I read their 5 things, I shouted YES! This fits exactly in today's world. Values are timeless. We'll let Sharon take it from here!

"5 Things Story

Yesterday I sat at a kitchen table with two older friends, one in her 70’s, the other 80.

We get together once in a while to share knitting patterns and problems, but after about the first 20 minutes the conversation always turns to current life issues each of us are facing. (I am SO blessed to have older friends that are a few years ahead of me in this life! Their wisdom is remarkable!)

I asked them, “What 5 things did YOU do as a mom that you are so glad you did?”

I literally watched their faces change as they silently moved back to the glory days of mothering their young. One has two grown sons, the other two grown daughters. Their children are kind, loving, strong adults and now raising children of their own.

Maybe time has erased the tension, worry and that huge feeling of responsibility young moms often battle, because now those two lovely ladies beamed in the joy of those memories of babies, toddlers, and teens.

(It’s ALWAYS good to know women that are still alive, upright, & functioning in the empty nest period of life. These two are just fine!!)

Their answers were a collaboration of sorts because they agreed on so much. Evidently their 5 elements are (or maybe WERE) just standard rules of “how to grow a child.”

Their thoughts: (not in any order of importance.)

1. READ : Start reading to the babies when they are BABIES! Read to them every day, make sure they see YOU reading, take toddlers to the library, have lots of books in the house, turn the TV off and READ. Cultivate the joy of reading. Read history, biographies, and FUN fiction.
2. FAMILY MEALS: Every night without fail. Even when harried schedules intervene “make a table.” Turn the TV off and SIT at the table. When it gets difficult, make the meal simple, but put it on the table and face each other. Family members get to know each other at the dinner table. (Phones in a basket by the door when family comes in, picked up only when leaving the building. No answering phones during dinner.)
3. RESPECT: Moms must model respect by treating every single human being with dignity. Treat children with respect, listen to them, and never speak in degrading or condescending tone. If disrespect by others is witnessed, take the opportunity to talk about it.
4. CONSEQUENCES: Every child must learn that bad decisions are followed by unhappy results. Time out, taking away a toy or privilege, etc. As hard as it is to want to protect them, learning consequences at home is far better than learning is from the principal, police, or the judge. Forego the temptation to be a drill sergeant but face issues one at a time with appropriate responses. Discipline quickly and love deeply.
5. FAITH: Take them to church always; making sure teens are involved in a great youth program. Pray aloud and often, read the Bible every day at some point. Talk about the character of God. Let them hear you praying for them and others. Teach them to think beyond themselves and their own needs. Be sure they learn they are not the center of the universe.

Well, I took a deep breath and realized that I’d failed in many of these areas, even though my sons survived and are happily functioning adults. I’m sure my friends failed from time to time as well. I suppose the lesson is to TRY to be consistent.

I worked hard at being a good mom and have been heard to say in years gone by, “If they amount to anything I’ll take all the credit, if they become serial killers I’ll take the blame.”

How foolish! As influential as parents are in their children’s lives, God is and must be the #1 parent.

THE most important ONE thing I’ve ever learned: God answers the prayers of mothers!"

5 Awkward Talks to Have This Summer #1 - Pedophiles

If I see one more story of a teacher being inappropriate with students I may blow up. Is it weekly now? And often too close for comfort? Sometimes in my own city.

This has been on my mind, but this week I saw yet another story. A Teacher of the Year was found sexting nude photos to an 8th grade student where he taught band in a middle school. In Texas.

We have had  recent crazy stories here in our town, involving even elementary aged children. I know of real stories, more than I wish I knew, about people involving inappropriate actions. Not all of them ever went public. It is too common. I've even had to call a school and report a teacher for warning signs.

As serious as this is and as much as we want to protect our children, it's still an awkward subject to bring up in normal conversation. Especially at my kids ages, when they're coming and going and rarely all home at the same time. I can see it now, as they are running out the door for work, "Oh and beware!! If anyone tries to touch you inappropriately, don't let them!" Seriously, when does it fit in??

Is it good dinner conversation? Maybe. Whenever you can fit it in I suppose. Bedtime? Sure. Sometimes I use news stories as a good way to bring up talks. With Sandusky back in the news allegedly having written creepy letters to his victims, maybe that's a way to bring it up. Use this blog as an excuse.

And how do we stop this from happening to our kids? By having the awkward conversation.

I had an idea. I have 5 Awkward Talks that should be had with your kids,  the level of intensity depending on their ages of course. What if we do this together this summer?

Over the course of 5 weeks this summer, I'll post a blog about an awkward topic. Then within the week, find a time to have a discussion with your kids about it. And share feedback.

By awkward, I mean this. For some, it will be very hard to talk about the subject. For some it will be no big deal, but for the subjects coming, frequency and reminders are always good. These are things that just don't have an easy entry point in day to day conversations. 

Your kids may moan and look at you like this.

YOU may moan and look at them like this. But do it anyway.

So today we are going to talk about pedophiles. Or creepers, as our kids would say. The problem is, sometimes pedophiles don't always come across as creepy. But eventually, they will DO something creepy. Let's talk about it.

This last spring, I attended a workshop held by E.A.P.C. Empowering Adults, Protecting Children. The statistic the presentation starts with is this startling one:

1 in 4 girls and 1 in 9 boyswill be molested by the time they are 18.

90% of molesters are known and trusted by the families of their victims.

As an advocate for youth (I just declared myself that this year. Isn't it a fancy title?), I attended this just to be informed and to be able to see warning signs, because I'm tired of stories in the news like I mentioned.

Keeping Them Safe

E.A.P.C. sells a small book, Keeping Them Safe, describing warning signs and more at the link. You may want to pick up a copy.

Here are highlights: (all quotes are from Keeping Them Safe)

- Teach your children proper body part names, not just nicknames. Why? "Potential molesters know that the mere fact that children know the proper names of private body parts is an indication of the level of communication they maintain with their parents. This is a red flag to a potential molester. He or she is more likely to steer clear of a child with that level of communication freedom with parents or guardians."

- Just like we have safety rules for all other areas such as knives, scissors and ovens, have Touching Rules.  "No one is allowed to touch your private body parts (parts of the body covered by a bathing suit) except to keep you clean and healthy (as in a doctor). Very few people have permission to do this and only when your parents say it is okay". If ANYONE, even someone you know and trust, touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, scared or confused, you should: say no or words that mean no, get away as quickly as possible, tell another trusted adult what happened, even if the person tells you not to tell."

- Predators will approach your child with something they can relate to- a lost dog, candy, etc. Anything to pull them away from safety by choice. Tell your kids that whenever they are alone and someone asks for help, don't help them. It's okay to appear rude or mean sometimes. It's not okay to help a stranger. Go get an adult to help them.

-Have a family code word for emergencies. If children aren't with you when something uncomfortable happens to them, have them call or text and use the secret word or phrase that you've chosen. Then you will know they are in trouble.

-Molesters often give gifts to their victims.  This is so true. True in many of the news stories of serial molesters, gifts are almost always a part. Even with older teens or college aged boys- if an older adult is giving you lots of gifts for no reason, be suspicious.

-The yucky part is that molesters always have a "grooming period". This includes manipulation, deceit and bribery. This can leave the victim feeling confused. For example, a man may offer a young teen boy a beer, knowing that the boy will be less likely to tell his mom of any inappropriate acts, because then he'd get in trouble for having a beer too, which he knows is clearly wrong. They will always say not to tell, and threaten the child that no one will believe them if they do tell.

- Keeping Them Safe has a chapter on good babysitter rules and guidelines too. Baths or showers should not be given by babysitter without your prior permission.

Listen to your children if they say someone is creepy. Believe them.
Show up, introduce yourself, make yourself known around other adults. Predators say they are less likely to approach a child if the adult has made themself known.

I've also heard from friends who do speaking on this subject, that often faith based kids are targeted. The reason? They are less likely to talk about sex openly, therefore less likely to report it, or be comfortable talking to an adult about it. And they are also taught to be nice and respectful, so maybe they'll have a harder time stopping the perpetrator.

Be open, let them know you can talk about anything, be brief and don't make it a lecture.

SUMMARY- (mine, not E.A.P.C.)

1. If someone makes you feel creepy, stay away. Don't be alone with them. EVEN if this is an uncle or a  coach or teacher or stepmom.
2. No adult should want to touch you, or ask for a massage, or rub your shoulders if you are one on one. If you feel weird, it is. Someone you don't know well shouldn't even try to be alone with you.
3.  IT'S OKAY TO BE RUDE AND SAY "STOP IT, that makes me feel weird".
4. My personal thing is, I don't want teachers or coaches to have cell phone numbers of my girls. If they can only communicate through text messages, they can text me and I'll pass the info along.
5. If you think it's weird but aren't sure. IT IS. Listen to your gut. You're right.
6. The ones who do tell are the brave ones that help end harmfulness to kids.

If they say someone has been inappropriate to them?

According to Keeping Them Safe: "Don't panic or show shock, remain as calm as you can. Express your belief in them. Let them know it's not their fault and that telling was the right thing to do. Report to the authorities immediately. It is your job to listen and support the child, not to investigate the allegations. Tell your child what happens next, be honest. You are calling authorities and someone will be investigating."

It has to be stopped for the safety of all kids.

Also be aware that most schools have anonymous Help Lines that you can call anonymously to leave tips- whether you know of a student who has been harmed, or if you suspect a teacher is a predator.

No one likes to be the one who tells, but for the sake of everyone, we have to. It's the right thing to do.

Now, go have this conversation. Some time this week.

She Got Out.

So excited to share this with you- a message I just received this weekend.

I will say that the Awareness posts were my least read blogs, but I knew they would be. I knew I might lose some readers by posting so much on a yucky topic. Most don't want to think about it! Why would we? But I believe so much that it's a problem more common than we realize, that it's worth the risk to take the subject on. We've got to educate ourselves and be prepared to help people.

Then this amazing message came to my inbox this weekend, and I did the happy dance. So grateful for good endings. I only changed the cities mentioned to keep it anonymous. Read it here for yourself:

"I was going through your blog (as I do on a regular basis :) and I noticed your posts about Teen Dating Violence Month.

This was so "on time" as my mother would say. I recently had a friend (it really was a friend, not myself, thank God) who went through an abusive relationship, and she was lucky enough to get out. The hard part was that she was completely out of touch with everyone here in Houston, because she was now in Dallas with her boyfriend. I had noticed some signs previously, but I had no real "proof" because she was forced by this boyfriend not to talk to anyone in Houston. When she finally reached out to me, I tried to convince her that she was better than that. She's a wonderful person, and no one deserves to be treated that way. She's happily out of the relationship, and is focusing on building up her confidence and getting back to a sense of normalcy.

I'm sharing this with you to let you know that your blog helped me realize that as much as I felt helpless, I was able to read the stories on your blog to get a sense of what she was feeling. It's hard watching your friend get hurt, but helping her out of it makes you realize how much friendship really does change lives".

I'm so proud of both of these girls. One for reaching out for help even though it must have been scary, then listening to reason and getting herself out of a bad situation. And for the girl who shared this story, for doing the difficult thing and getting involved in a hard situation, in order to help her friend.

It's so much easier to look the other way sometimes. But lives can be changed.

I'm also very proud of the two ladies who shared their stories, when it would have been easier to bury the story in shame and try to forget. Yet both of these ladies have said that if it can help one person, they would rather share their story. And guess what? It did help one person. Because they shared how they felt while being in the middle of an abusive relationship, my friend could begin to understand how her friend felt, and figure out how to help her.

One girl is finding her way out of an abusive dating relationship and back to normalcy, one friend now feels more empowered in that she actually helped a friend in need, and felt equipped to do so.

I think this is a wonderful ending to all of our posts during February Awareness Month.

If you haven't watched "Reviving Ophelia", the Lifetime movie tackling this subject by making a fiction movie that appeals to girls, buy it on iTunes now and watch it. You can find it at www.mylifetime.com.

He was Mr. Perfect. And Secretly Abusive. - True Story

Photo credit: www.dosomething.org

This story I am sharing with permission, in my own words based on what our anonymous friend told me. This beautiful girl is in her twenties, married, grew up in a Christian home and went to private Christian school in another city. Yet found herself in an abusive dating relationship in high school. It can happen anywhere.


In high school, she found herself in a dating relationship with a guy who seemed perfect. He was the football star, won the Christian awards at school, chosen for Homecoming court, everyone liked him. Including the adults in her life. In fact, he was "approved" to date.

Later she found he had a bit of a past that made him lacking in how to have a healthy relationship. She found herself dating Mr. Perfect, but hearing things like "Wear this, do that, you're too skinny, or ugly...Be glad you're with me because no one else would want to be with you." He became controlling and possessive.

At first there was verbal abuse as described above, then some physical abuse began (throwing and breaking items). Being forced sexually occured also.

She didn't tell anyone for a long time. She thought something was wrong with her, that she was a terrible person. Everyone liked him.

Then she didn't know how to break up. And began to be afraid to be alone with him.

Her mom began to know something was wrong, though she would've never guessed what it actually was. No one would. But her mom felt something, and began asking questions. One night her mom heard him over the phone in the background freaking out and breaking stuff. She moved her to another school.

When she finally later confessed the two year ordeal to her family, terrified to tell because she thought it was her fault, her family was obviously completely devastated. They felt incredibly guilty as parents for not seeing. But they loved their daughter and never saw it as her fault. They helped each other restore back to healthy, healed outlooks and lives.

Now, in her own words today she shares some wisdom gained from this experience, that she'd like to share with girls and those who love them.

"The main point is just to watch out for the kind of men that want to control every bit of your life. It starts out small: For example, a controlling man may start telling you what to wear, what to listen to, watch, and where to go. Then it may get to the point where he might control who you spend your time with. Like me, you may be only allowed to spend time with him. My ex-boyfriend eventually starting making me believe that my friends and family didn't have my best interests at heart, and told me that he was the only one who knew how to take care of me. He would threaten to leave or embarrass me if I spent too much time with other people, or if I wanted to do the different things I enjoyed.

With the control came lots of verbal abuse. I was told I was stupid, ugly, and worthless all the time. Unfortunately, I was already very insecure going into the relationship so it was easier for me to believe all of the hurtful things he would say. I became very depressed and unmotivated to do anything anymore. My world just became this guy who treated me terribly, and I believed I deserved a relationship like this because I didn't know my worth.

I would encourage women to be very cautious when picking a man to be in their lives. For the safety of your heart the dating process should be taken slowly. Also, make sure you have trustworthy family and friends close by; they may see things you don't at first. Love can sometimes be very blind when you are infatuated with another. If you find yourself losing relationships and the things you once loved doing due to the man in your life, you may not be in a very healthy relationship. Don't date someone to find yourself, you have to be confident in who you are going into this. We are daughters of God and we need to be patient and wait for the kind of godly man that wants to encourage us and bring us closer to God and all of the beautiful things in life. I know it was extremely hard to break my relationship off; I was very afraid of what he may do. I was very blessed to have my family and friends by my side to help me break the relationship off, and help me see my worth so I wasn't tempted to go back to him. I would encourage young women in this situation to go to someone they can trust to help you to either break off or council an unhealthy relationship. We are beautiful inside and out and we should be cared for and protected."


Her story ended well. I'm thankful she is willing to share her story. It's all in hopes of helping someone escape what happened to her.

February has been National Dating Violence Awareness Month. Make sure and see all the good sources at the top of our site, including numbers to call for help. If we all educate ourselves, we can be a source of help to others.

Awareness Month- Positive Traits to Date

National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month continues. Today let's take a peek at some healthy traits you want in a relationship.

This is taken from www.loveisrespect.org. Please take a look at their very helpful website!

In a healthy relationship:

•Your partner respects you and your individuality.
•You are both open and honest.
•Your partner supports you and your choices even when they disagree with you.
•Both of you have equal say and respected boundaries.
•Your partner understands that you need to study or hang out with friends or family.
•You can communicate your feelings without being afraid of negative consequences.
•Both of you feel safe being open and honest.

A good partner is not excessively jealous and does not make you feel guilty when you spend time with family and friends. A good partner also compliments you, encourages you to achieve your goals and does not resent your accomplishments.

Dating Violence Awareness- Stayteen.org

 When you hear the term "dating violence", do you envision physical fighting?

That is the most probable image that comes to mind. There are actually many other kinds of abuse, and many unhealthy relationship signs that are more common. We need to bring them to light! Smaller signs can be warnings of more dangerous things to come.

Read this excerpt below from www.stayteen.org, then please do yourself a favor and look through the entire website to raise awareness. You may find yourself running into someone who needs the resource.

People can experience several different types of abuse. These can include:
•Physical abuse: any intentional use of physical force meant to cause fear or injury, like hitting, shoving, biting, strangling, ki...cking, or using a weapon.


•Emotional abuse: non-physical behavior such as threats, insults, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, or stalking.


•Sexual abuse: any action that forces undesired sexual behavior on you by another person. This includes making you do anything you don’t want to do sexually, refusing to have safe sex, aggressively pressuring you to go further than you want to sexually, or making you feel badly about yourself sexually.

Check out www.stayteen.org/dating-abuse.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

Stop Teen Abuse Credit: Carey Hope

Put on your brave hat and coat , we are going to talk about some realities together. We can do this. We will end with hope and solutions, so hang with me!

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." ~ Lucille Ball

Good news is, I believe violence can be changed, or at the very least, lessened.

But as Lucille said, it has to be faced first.


I realized this week how much I keep stumbling across the issue of violence on a daily basis.

Three people on my prayer list right now, from different states, are all needing prayer as a result of violence against them. Not from dating violence, but from violence nonetheless.

When I had jury duty a few months ago, while waiting to be assigned to a case, I wondered if it would be for either of the two victims I personally knew whose cases were up for trial about that time. I didn't get their cases, but did sit on a jury for a case involving dating violence. I saw way too many pictures of a girl severely beaten, by the man she was in a relationship with. She lives just a few miles from my house.

It's a horrible problem in our society.

And it's an ugly topic. Not fun to write about.

But in defense and protection of us all and our kids, awareness is a must.

Just reading the news this week, trying to keep up with what's going on, I read about a new website similar to Youtube, where one of the categories of what they can post is violence. I won't even post what it is. I hope it goes away.

On it, fight after fight and attack after attack is videoed and broadcast. The onlookers simply watch and record and cheer, without ever calling anyone for help. Some are recording acts of crime as they happen, chanting the name of the website (knowing it would be posted) yet never calling the police. The callousness that is forming in society, due to tv, movies, gaming, real life examples, general lack of conscience, is alarming. And that's all we need, a new place to post things, where kids can be "famous" with their video.

Surely, we would all think, we don't personally know anyone who would do that. I don't think I do, but then I remember this happened at one of our local schools recently, but went pretty much unreported. Kids videoed a boy being beaten, instead of getting help. I don't know the details, if it was posted, but I think some got in trouble legally after. It was hushed.

Probably more common is some of the music that is very popular now which promotes violent attitudes. Some videos of top songs right now show what should be considered abusive relationships.

Rihanna we know was a victim of dating violence in the past. Its curious to me that some videos she still makes have such a dark abusive tone to them. While she's singing about finding love, much of what I see in the video looks like anything but true, real love. If our young people see this enough and get the idea that this is what love is, that it involves pain and misusing each other, do they believe it? That that kind of pain is part of life, what comes with relationship? No, it shouldn't be that way. What if they don't have a real life example of something better than what they see in media?

Another news story this week told of games that are being played at recess by elementary children that involve a callous attitude toward crime, but very probably not even understood by the kids playing it. The point is, they see or hear terms they shouldn't even have to know, enough to play this game, and that in itself is sad.

Crime is so prevalent that the danger is in becoming calloused. Or hopeless.

Let's don't be hopeless. Let's affect the parts we can affect with our kids, which is monitoring what they see and hear as much as we can. AND modeling the same standard ourselves. I believe it's ok to tell them no, certain artists or shows or games that depict certain things are not going to be allowed in our home. We can't affect what they see or hear everywhere, but we can lessen it. And have discussions on why it's not allowed.

For example, I'm not going to allow watching a music video that shows a girl being abused, or where sex is coupled with bondage or fear. Thats just my opinion, but for me, the less we take in things like that, the less calloused we become.

I don't want to be calloused, and I refuse to be hopeless. We can do things to combat this, such as what we personally allow in our homes, and also by educating ourselves and our kids.

So one purpose this month is to educate on healthy and unhealthy relationship signs.

There are some great resources from organizations on the Internet.

One is http://blog.loveisrespect.org/. This website is FULL of info, resources, quizzes, help for teens and parents, and even a text-in peer advocate line.

If you want to take the quiz to see if you are in a healthy relationship, click here: Healthy Relationship Quiz.

We'll highlight more good stuff from this website later, but I encourage you to check it out and use their awesome resources!!

Take opportunity to talk through daily things that come up in relationships that your kids see. What do you think of that? Do you think she's treating him well? Do you think he's respecting her? Would you put up with that from someone?

That way we can casually talk about healthy relationship qualities with our kids, when it's not them involved, so they aren't defensive.

Never fear, there is so much good out there, and endless HOPE.

Thank you for sticking with me as we educate ourselves together on this important issue.

Part 2- Being My Child's Advocate at School

In Laura's words - Part Two

(if you missed part one click HERE)

I became Matt's advocate in many ways, because of my own experiences as a child, and because of some specific situations that happened when he was in school.


With my husband’s help and insight, I’m glad that we did these particular things:




1. I tried not to judge his idiosyncrasies, but value his uniqueness. He sucked his thumb with his “boppie” (blanket) until he was 8. What child would do this “on purpose” to challenge his parents? In my world…not one. It was part of who he was. We just dealt with things a day at a time and refused to listen to criticisms. (Read part one to know why this was important to Laura!)


2. I stood up for him at school. In preschool, his teacher called a special emergency meeting with me. I could not pick up his report card until this meeting was done. The reason? Our son “couldn’t cut with scissors". What a huge problem. Was he a little slow to develop the teacher wondered? I explained to her that he had a baby sister and at that point in time, scissors were not allowed in our home for safety reasons. I didn't care for her approach, in suggesting what was "wrong" with him, instead of what was right with him.  Approaching life with a cup half full is much more creative and productive than half empty


3. I am glad I spent lots of time with my son, so I knew who he was. In first grade he was chosen to go to a remedial reading class. I strongly objected and had to fight the system. I was told he was “slow” and I retorted with that he was “reflective”.  After a few months I won that battle because they began to understand I knew my child.


4. I am glad that I didn’t let educational dogma rule what was best for my son. In middle school he proved to be a bright, creative, and well-behaved student.  After complaining to me about a class he could not learn in, I observed the class. It was completely unruly.  The administration had attempted to place him a group of “at risk” students, hoping his good behavior would rub off on them. They were willing to sacrifice his well being in order to raise the mark of other students whose parents were unwilling or unable to adequately parent. Rescuing their children was not my son’s job.


5. I am glad that we always talked about possibilities. He was encouraged to at least “give it a shot” when he had an idea. I did my best to discuss option A and option B to every problem or situation needing an answer. There is always an option with consequences attached. This type of conversation happens to this day. Life happens, and it’s nice to have an advocate to voice things to.


The result of all the sleepless nights his father and I endured? All the second guessing, questioning and agonizing over what the right answers were? 


Our son began to thrive a little in high school and a lot in college.


He changed majors with our support and continued to scrutinize his career path because he appreciated that we continued to “know him” and listen to him.


He now has a doctorate degree in Electrical Engineering, a Masters degree in Electrical Engineering and a Bachelors degree in Electrical Engineering and Physics. He coaches doctorate students to success at a university.


He is a scientist and does research in radiation for NASA. He is the president and founder of one of the first integrated circuit manufacturing companies based in the state of Arkansas.


He also owns a working farm and is restoring a 115 year old farm house. He is a husband, a father, and a loving, compassionate, creative, and problem-solving person. He has grown into a man of influence.


He is God’s child, but God did give him a mother and a father who fought for his rights, his dignity, and his gifts. We were and will continue to be his advocates.


Those battles were not always easy, but they were so worth it.


Every child needs and deserves an advocate.


One last note. If you were to strip our son of all his earthly accomplishments, you would find an imperfect, yet courageous and persevering man. And so many times he is afraid, but not of his parents.


God cannot steer a parked car, but He can do wonders with someone in motion.

Stop. Before You Think It Doesn't Apply...Read.

February is the National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Whew!  A mouthful.


It could be easy to brush off and think "Oh, thank goodness that doesn't apply to anyone I know!" But I beg  you to read on, if not for yourself, than to be educated,  for the sake of all the people you know and influence.


Dating violence sounds extreme, and it can be. And we would hope rare. But it does happen.

However, there are many smaller signs leading up to potential violence that our kids need to recognize. I have found that smaller signs of pretty unhealthy behavior is alarmingly common. It may not be a fist yet, but it's a sign of potential trouble down the road.

We need to put some standards out there of what should be expected and what's not acceptable in dating relationships.


My eyes have been opened after discussing this topic among girls.  After going over warning signs of potentially dangerous relationships, I've heard, "Ohhhhhh...my boyfriend kind of does that...." (some of the more stalkery type stuff). I've heard of girls covering bruises with makeup.

Unfortunately dating abuse does happen. And it doesn't have to be physical. Being treated in a very controlling way, taking you from family and friends, demanding to know where you are and who you're with 24 hours a day, are all signs of a danger zone ahead. 

Then there are just unhealthy relationships that may not be dangerous, but just aren't good.


Some teens don't know this. We need to tell them. What's obvious to us may not be obvious to them. I'm happy to say some girls that learned these are bad signs broke up with guys. A little education can go a long way.


And sometimes it's the girls who are abusive, controlling or unhealthy. My first year of marriage we lived in an apartment under a violent couple. It was the cute little twenty something girl that beat her boyfriend. This definitely goes both ways. Guys need to be just as aware as girls do, what constitutes a healthy relationship.


January 31, 2012 President Obama issued a Presidential Proclamation  that February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention month. This is just our second annual Awareness month.


Throughout this month, I'll be providing lots of good resources and information on this topic. It would be way too depressing to spend all month on it, but there is a lot to share! So it will be sporadically placed throughout the month.


I'll post my friend's story again that I posted last February. She willingly shared her story with a group of teen girls about her abusive marriage- how she got into it, how she got out, and signs to watch for.


I beg you to follow us all this month. Inform yourself. Watch for signs. Talk through this with your kids.


We've always told ours, one hit, one push, one shove,  they're out. There's no second chances. Physical violence is never to be taken lightly. Ever. In fact, I'll make that my 5 Things for today:

1. One hit,
2. One push,
3. One shove,
4. They're out.
5. No second chances.

People that act abusively need help and I hope will get it, but the girlfriend or boyfriend is not the one to help them. No matter how many times they apologize. If you find out someone you know faces any of the warning signs we'll talk about this month, SPEAK UP.  You have permission to get in their business. They honestly may not know some behaviors are not normal. You may save them.

Part 1- Being My Child's Advocate at School

Awhile back, my friend Laura shared her 5 Things story.  It's powerful because she came from an abusive childhood, into a strong healthy adulthood. Don't miss out on that story!


I asked her to share again. February and March  always remind me of school making decisions. There are so many choices of school- public, private, charter, homeschool. Everyone knows that if you're going to try to get in a private, special or charter school, deadlines loom about this time of year. Decisions to be made.

 Kids are all unique and may thrive in different environments. What's important is to know your child.


What does Laura have to share? I've heard her say that years ago, the schools tried to suggest to her that her son Matt might be slow or need some remedial help. She advocated for him throughout his school years and he now has multiple degrees and does scientific work for NASA. She knew him and she wouldn't let the schools misunderstand or label him.


In her words...


Part One- "How I Became My Child's Advocate"


"In my view, parents are given the ‘gift’ of a child. Their duty is to love them and be their protector and mentor.


One of my first memories from my own chaotic and abusive childhood was this…I was a thumb sucker. It drove my mother crazy, but I loved going to bed at night and sucking my thumb. By the time I was four years old, she had had all she could take.


One evening she dragged me into the kitchen and wrapped adhesive tape around my thumb, poured hot sauce all over the tape, and then sprinkled it heavily with chili powder. As my dad, older brother, aunt and uncle watched, my mother got right in my face and said, “Now suck that!” A loud cackle followed. She thought it was hilarious. No one tried to intervene for me.


I cried myself to sleep, hot mouth, upset stomach, but worst of all, feeling very, very afraid and lonely.

The good that came out of this event?


A future child advocate was born."


That story makes me sad. BUT, it is so true that an advocate for children was born. She has spent much time advocating for her own and many other children as well.


I'll leave you on that cliffhanger for now! Tomorrow she will share a few of the instances Matt had at school and how she handled them.


Come back tomorrow!!

Part Two - Raising a Daughter with a Disability

Yesterday my friend Lucy shared part of her journey as a mom of a daughter with a disability. Catch up with us HERE if you haven't read part one! You don't want to miss it.


Lucy also reminded me of our time together in Amsterdam, when we would sneak away after all the team was asleep and raid the community pantry, to eat the yummy windmill cookies! My memory was a bit sketchy on the details of the raids, but I DO remember the windmill cookies. She said the team leader eventually confronted our missions group about the disappearing cookies, and she and I sat there with very concerned looks on our faces, waiting for the culprits to surrender! I guess we fessed up later on, and our team leader did not share our humor. Oh well. Look what I found!! A picture of our cookies!

Photo credit: www.katecooksthebooks.com

 Back to the good stuff, Lucy's story.  Yesterday she shared details of the discoveries, the difficulties and the progresses that they faced the first few years of Hartley's little life. Today, Lucy continues with some candid thoughts:

"I can’t help but question God. I don’t know His plan. I don’t know where He is taking us. I don’t know how many more valleys we will travel or what kind of mountains we still face. But I do know that He is still with us. Guiding us. Leading us. Carrying us at times when we are too weary. I can tell you that I feel much more equipped to conquer this with confidence and assurance that the other side of the mountain is a reachable and attainable goal. After all, we are all on a journey, just at different points on the map."

Some tips from Lucy for moms who may share similar experiences:


1.  Feelings: what to expect. 


Every parent is different. But after a diagnosis of disability, it’s common for parents to feel:

• confused and overwhelmed
• shocked
• disbelieving or numb
• denial

There is no right or wrong way to feel, just allow yourself to deal with whatever you may be feeling.

2. Comparison-

Although it’s hard, avoid comparing your child with other children. Every child is an individual.

3. Celebrate -

Celebrate your child’s successes and milestones – and focus on positives and progress. Your child might be developing differently from other children but will be reaching her own goals and milestones along the way. There will be lots of reasons to feel positive.

4. Focus -


Take time to just enjoy your child without focusing on the disability. With time you’ll get better at doing this.

5. Hold onto inspiration -


During our journey, this piece by Emily Perl Kingsley was introduced to me. I love it. Just about sums it up.

photo credit: www.tripsite.com

Welcome To Holland

"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

(this is Holly now- Beautifully said.

I kinda love that the summer we spent together was in Holland.

Holland was amazing.)

This poem gives such great perspective, makes me teary. It helps me understand. It gives sensitivity.


Special thanks to Lucy for sharing her story on 5 Things. I love that God equips us as we go, as only He can. Pass this along to moms who may need some of her encouragement! 


If you don't want to miss any upcoming stories, you can follow us by email, or "like" our Facebook page 5 Things.

Part One- Raising a Daughter with a Disability

Lucy. When I think of Lucy, I remember lots of giggly late nights in a tent.


Our lives only crossed paths for 3 months, but it was a fun three months! We shared humor in the midst of long hours of missions work, foreign cities and tent life.


Lucy and I both went to Oral Roberts University back in the 80’s and spent an entire summer together in Amsterdam, Holland. What’s amazing is that several of those weeks were spent in a giant tent with lots of other girls, in bunk beds. In a campground. We had to walk to the bathrooms and showers in the darkness of night many times. Such funny times we had. Lucy is one of those reasons I’m thankful for Facebook. After losing touch for the majority of adult life so far, we recently found each other and have rekindled an old friendship.
When this blog began, she mentioned being interested in writing a special blog just for moms who are raising kids with disabilities. I am thrilled and thankful that she offered to write about her specialty and her experiences. She’s a gem. So is her family. She and her husband Charles have- Lorrin (22), Anastasia (19) and Hartley (13).


Here is Part One of her story.

"Life is a Journey – Raising a Child with Disabilities"

Let me begin by tell you that I believe strongly that we all have a reason for being, that we are all on a journey, but at different points on a map. The most recent jaunt of my journey involved conquering many mountains and trudging through many valleys. It all began in March of 1998, when my daughter Hartley was born, a seemingly healthy baby girl. It all seemed so perfect with the newest addition to our family.


We approached the first mountain when Hartley was just two months old and she faced her first of many hospitalizations. The cute sounding purr of her delicate breathing turned into a rasping struggle to force air into her lungs. We took her to our pediatrician several times and her condition worsened. At her most critical point, he took the painstaking time to listen to her breathe for three hours trying desperately to find an answer. Exasperated, he felt she needed immediate medical attention and rushed her via neonatal ambulance to the nearest hospital 45 minutes away.


That was the longest ride of my life as I thought of the worst case scenarios running through my mind, like a slow motion movie. What if it’s a tumor? What if she won’t make it? Did I cause this? What have I done? What will I do? Will I be able to take care of her?


When we arrived at the hospital, we were met by a medical team asking numerous questions about my pregnancy, the delivery, and the first two months of Hartley’s life. They reviewed her records and ran more tests. They scheduled her for a bronchoscope the next day in hopes to find some answers. It was a relief to find out it was a simple diagnosis of bronchial and tracheal malaysia which was just a floppiness of her airway. Laser surgery was performed to tighten her floppy airway. I was in the hospital with her for eight long days, three of which were in ICU. “What a relief!” I thought.


On the eighth day, we were ready to leave after taking a required CPR course for infants and being trained on the apnea monitor to alert us of any other breathing difficulties she may have at home. We also had to wait for one more visit from the doctor before we headed home. When the doctor came by, she made a comment that her head appeared asymmetrical. I did not want to hear about one more thing that was wrong with my daughter. I dismissed it as the way her hair was growing. Though secretly, I had thought her head was large when she was born; but justified it with the idea that most babies have funny-shaped heads and they eventually “grow” into them. Once we were home, we breathed a sigh of relief thinking how close we came to losing our little love.


Then on a routine office visit at four months old, our pediatrician voiced a concern about the rapid growth of Hartley’s head. He always made a point to measure her head on our visits and he was able to show me what it looked like on a growth chart. I could then see his reason for concern. He referred us to a neurosurgeon and at five months old, she was diagnosed with congenital hydrocephalus and agenesis of the corpus callous, (or ACC as it is also called). The hydrocephalus could be treated, but the brain disorder was an unknown variable. The ACC means there is an absence of the millions of nerves that connect the two hemispheres of the brain that allow each side to communicate. Hartley has a split brain. There is no connection whatsoever. What would this mean for her? Would she be able to learn to speak? To walk?


This was a difficult time for the whole family. It was without a doubt a time in the valley. Many tears were shed and unanswerable questions asked. Surely there had to be someone to lead us through this difficult time and give us some answers and direction. Because of her medical issues and realizing that our daughter was not developing like other children her age, my husband called several agencies to find help. We found a group of professionals that gave us the help and support that we needed. They were so helpful! They gave us a wealth of information and set up a home visit where a nurse explained all their services. She also informed us about Early Intervention Services. It all sounded too good to be true. A Physical Therapist and an Early Interventionist began coming to our home one time a week to work with Hartley and we began to see how far behind she really was compared to her peers. I also came to the realization that my hopes and dreams for my daughter would have to change. I was now hoping that she would one day walk to me or be able to tell me that she loved me. I didn’t know what the future held for my precious daughter.


When she was eight months old, she began attending a Developmental Day School that was designed to use Early Intervention to help children with disabilities. I had no idea what this place was , although I drove by it every day on my way to work. We quickly began to see improvement in her development and within a year, we realized that Early Intervention seemed to be making a big difference in her young life. Although still lagging behind typically developing children her age, it appeared she was catching up. By 17 months, she was beginning to crawl, still about a year behind developmentally. Now at the age of establishing some basic vocabulary, she was only saying a few words. It was then that I realized her biggest delay was her speech and I began an active push for her to begin “signing” her words. Incredibly, she picked up in it very quickly and soon her number of “signed” words outnumbered her spoken words.


At 22 months, she began to walk. All areas in her development seemed to be progressing at an overwhelming rate. At 31 months, she was re-evaluated for her preschool screening. Amazingly, she did so well that she almost did not qualify for specialized services in preschool. Once again, I saw what a difference Early Intervention has made in her life.


As we prepared Hartley for entering preschool, most of her signing was dropped and her speech became clearer and took off at an astonishing rate. Within the first month of attending preschool in her first year, she dropped all of her signing and began total verbal communication. “Wow! Things are looking up!” I thought.


The first three years of Hartley’s life were difficult to say the least. Many challenges, much heartache, many tears, but God was there all the time. Sometimes He was walking with us; other times He carried us. Then, in 2007, just when I thought the worst was behind us and we were finally travelling light on a plateau, we encountered yet another obstacle: one huge mountain. She was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma Syndrome.


What did this mean? She doesn’t have the gene that protects her delicate skin from the sun, so she is constantly developing basal cell cancers all over her body. She has had more than 250 removed since her diagnosis. We use a topical medicine that is supposed to attack the cancerous cells and leave the good skin alone. Unfortunately, the basal cells are growing faster than we can keep up with the medicine. She has hundreds of them. We have to drive 3 hours from home to see a specialist for her treatment every 4-6 months. This isn’t a terminal disease, but one she will live with unless a cure is found.


She loves the outdoors, but can’t enjoy them now. She loves to go to the beach, but we have to go when the sun is going down. People tell me that I am a great mother and am dealing with all these adversities with grace and ease. What I really feel is such inadequacy. It’s Hartley who keeps me going.


Tomorrow we will pick up here and hear some specific thoughts of Lucy’s on what has brought her hope, as well as some thoughts and tips for moms who may be experiencing similar situations. Stay tuned.