5 Things Story- Women in Their 70's and 80's Share Their Secrets

Today I'm super excited to have a guest blogger, Sharon Braner of SISTER CHAT blog. 

Sharon is a good friend of mine, a lady who is always in the middle of something. She leads awareness efforts about human trafficking, she's volunteered with me in Girls 101 workshops, she has a blog and a bookclub, and she spreads the word about a spectacular teen summer camp that her son Andy Braner runs- CAMP KIVU for teens. Whew!

I asked her to investigate and snoop around among her friends, and ask moms who have "finished" raising kids, "What are 5 Things you are glad you did?" Sometimes ladies who are mature in years think that their advice might be outdated for today's world, but I find that usually it's not. In fact, when I read their 5 things, I shouted YES! This fits exactly in today's world. Values are timeless. We'll let Sharon take it from here!

"5 Things Story

Yesterday I sat at a kitchen table with two older friends, one in her 70’s, the other 80.

We get together once in a while to share knitting patterns and problems, but after about the first 20 minutes the conversation always turns to current life issues each of us are facing. (I am SO blessed to have older friends that are a few years ahead of me in this life! Their wisdom is remarkable!)

I asked them, “What 5 things did YOU do as a mom that you are so glad you did?”

I literally watched their faces change as they silently moved back to the glory days of mothering their young. One has two grown sons, the other two grown daughters. Their children are kind, loving, strong adults and now raising children of their own.

Maybe time has erased the tension, worry and that huge feeling of responsibility young moms often battle, because now those two lovely ladies beamed in the joy of those memories of babies, toddlers, and teens.

(It’s ALWAYS good to know women that are still alive, upright, & functioning in the empty nest period of life. These two are just fine!!)

Their answers were a collaboration of sorts because they agreed on so much. Evidently their 5 elements are (or maybe WERE) just standard rules of “how to grow a child.”

Their thoughts: (not in any order of importance.)

1. READ : Start reading to the babies when they are BABIES! Read to them every day, make sure they see YOU reading, take toddlers to the library, have lots of books in the house, turn the TV off and READ. Cultivate the joy of reading. Read history, biographies, and FUN fiction.
2. FAMILY MEALS: Every night without fail. Even when harried schedules intervene “make a table.” Turn the TV off and SIT at the table. When it gets difficult, make the meal simple, but put it on the table and face each other. Family members get to know each other at the dinner table. (Phones in a basket by the door when family comes in, picked up only when leaving the building. No answering phones during dinner.)
3. RESPECT: Moms must model respect by treating every single human being with dignity. Treat children with respect, listen to them, and never speak in degrading or condescending tone. If disrespect by others is witnessed, take the opportunity to talk about it.
4. CONSEQUENCES: Every child must learn that bad decisions are followed by unhappy results. Time out, taking away a toy or privilege, etc. As hard as it is to want to protect them, learning consequences at home is far better than learning is from the principal, police, or the judge. Forego the temptation to be a drill sergeant but face issues one at a time with appropriate responses. Discipline quickly and love deeply.
5. FAITH: Take them to church always; making sure teens are involved in a great youth program. Pray aloud and often, read the Bible every day at some point. Talk about the character of God. Let them hear you praying for them and others. Teach them to think beyond themselves and their own needs. Be sure they learn they are not the center of the universe.

Well, I took a deep breath and realized that I’d failed in many of these areas, even though my sons survived and are happily functioning adults. I’m sure my friends failed from time to time as well. I suppose the lesson is to TRY to be consistent.

I worked hard at being a good mom and have been heard to say in years gone by, “If they amount to anything I’ll take all the credit, if they become serial killers I’ll take the blame.”

How foolish! As influential as parents are in their children’s lives, God is and must be the #1 parent.

THE most important ONE thing I’ve ever learned: God answers the prayers of mothers!"

For Better Teen Years, Start When They're Little

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The teen years aren't ever a breeze, but they can be pretty darn good if some character traits are in place from a young age. The effort you put in when they are young can help build smoother teen years. Of course it won't solve all potential problems that will come along, but will just make them easier to deal with then.

The best tip is leading by loving relationship of course, that is assumed. But here are just a few other thoughts.

1. Develop absolute respect for you and others early on. The more respect you can get in place when they are young, the easier their teen years will be for both of you.

2. Develop self control and imagination at a young age. Daily, make sure they spend a few minutes alone in creative play without use of technology. (Be very careful how soon you give them the freedoms of phones, internet and social media. Make sure those two things are in place first, self control and imagination).

3. Develop thoughtfulness toward others and awareness of their world. Empathy and perspective are powerful.

4. Help them understand and experience the power of waiting, being patient and not receiving everything they want immediately.

5. Develop the knowledge that they are loved and taken care of but the world doesn't revolve around them. They have to know how to exist without being the center of attention. They are an important part of a bigger picture. They are one part of a bigger family.


Of course how you present each of these ideas will look differently at each wonderful age and stage, but they are guiding principles that are valuable to hold up as standards.

Don't you just want to squeeze that little baby in the picture??

Toddlerhood & Elementary Years

Photo Credit

Those early years...they are immeasurably fun, and yet can be incredibly hard at times too.

Yesterday we introduced the Mom's Panel with the help of my friend Sharita.

Our panel has a blast traveling around and sharing with moms of all ages and we are honored to be a part of encouraging them in their journeys of motherhood.

As I said yesterday, in our 40 minute talk, Sharita covers her "best things she's learned about momming through the toddler years".

She and her hubster have a precious son Jackson, 5, who is lover of all things Captain America, LittleBigPlanet and basically anything boy. I have seen her in the midst of her mom-ness and I can attest she is a great one. What I love about her style is how she has Jackson think through issues and she also has him repeat words back to her for reinforcement. She's a good mom.

Before telling our tips, here is a disclaimer: As we always say on the panel as we share, it's easy to sit up there and talk about these lessons (or write them out here so easily), but the lessons came with years of struggle, fatigue, exhaustion, perseverence, effort, wanting to quit yet starting over, again and again. None of these were accomplished or learned overnight by any stretch! And some still get worked on.
Here's a few nuggets from her 10 things she shares to encourage other moms in the TODDLER stage:

1.  I keep relationship with hubster at the center...the main focus. Jackson joined our world that was already in motion. He isn't the center, but a welcome member.

2.  Consistency, consistency, consistency especially in discipline. It's easier to let things go, but we can't. Never discipline in anger. Deal with the heart issue and discipline with a loving heart. Never inflict shame and guilt. Reinforce love after discipline.

3. Playing with my child is super important (outside, inside, in the dirt, with sticks and mud) We play what he wants, on his level. I also make sure he has time to play alone as well, to stimulate creativity, imagination and reflection.

4. My own priorities have to shift for the greater good of my family.

5. 3 words: first time obedience. This is something we are always working on.


Next in line on the panel is myself. Now my girls are all teenagers, but I happily share about the elementary years for this panel. Why? Because I have come to realize that much of teen success depends a lot on what happens in the elementary years. So here are some tidbits I've looked back on and been glad we did in the ELEMENTARY years:

1. The importance of teaching respect as the foundation for life. Being respectful to parents and other adults was required. They'll have to answer to someone their entire lives. Having respect in place will make life much easier for them.

2. It's worth any sacrifices made in order to be available to enjoy life with them.

3. It's ok to say no to them and they will survive. Even if they are "the only one who can't or don't have one".

4. As a parent, it's important to say no to your own adult peer pressure. We all still face peer pressure, in the form of "all the other parents let their kids" or "Nobody else's parents care or check". Just like our kids, we have to be strong enough to stand up for our own convictions, even when others don't agree. If we constantly cave, we are modeling "caving in" to our children. If we stand up for convictions, that's what we are modeling to them.

5. Use the term age appropriateness to decide when to let freedoms be granted. Sometimes kids ask to have or do things that there's nothing wrong with- so instead of saying a fast yes, or an absolute no, think of it in terms of "is it age appropriate"? They have a lot of years to get through, and it's best to spread freedoms out. Instead of no, it can be "not yet, but in a year or so that might be ok."

Andy Grammer- Music that Respects Women

Last week's blog was a five part series on the problems of and solutions for the early sexualization of girls in our culture. (A bit of a downer to focus on, but completely necessary to understand if we are going to combat the messages!) I could go on and on and on about the poor messages. They are endless...

BUT what's exciting is when a ray of light shines out from among the others with a POSITIVE message! Especially a positive message in the MUSIC industry about women and how to treat them! There have been a few shining lights lately and I'm happy to highlight them this week.

Andy Grammer is a fabulous upcoming artist with music that we can be proud of, and a very fun happy style that is too rare and so refreshing.

Brighten your day by clicking on this link to catch his song with a great message called "LADIES".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rSNJrh_oUPY

Now that you love him, here is one more! And add him to your Ipod today.



Check out his performance of "The Pocket".

We love Andy Grammer!

The "I'm Glads" from Mama Rock

Marilyn Rockhold, who I affectionately nicknamed Mama Rock, is the mom of my junior high and high school BFF, Valerie. I spent much time at their house growing up, along with Valerie's THREE older sisters! So when I think "mom of girls", Mama Rock is one of my first thoughts. I saw her in action and I've seen the results of her fabulous mom skills in the lives of all four sisters grown up! She is among the first I approached to ask "the 5 things she's glad she did raising girls".

First, I must reminisce. When I think of fun times at Valerie's house, I think of the green tapioca pudding or the homemade Orange Julius drinks we made every time I spent the night. I think of Valerie's 1976 Mercury wood paneled station wagon that we drove on the weekends, a car that skipped radio stations every time we hit a bump, but we just as quickly switched our song as we sang along! Mama Rock hosted get togethers at her house quite often for us. Her sister Janet and I both share a Halloween birthday and we knew we were both TREATS and not TRICKS! I think of the time Papa Rock drove Valerie, Janet and I to Hutchinson, KS for a weekend retreat, but an hour down the road Janet discovered she'd forgotten her curling iron. Being a dad of 4 girls in the 80's, he knew the gravity of the situation and the undeniable need to return home for it, but that doesn't mean he was happy about it! When he said with very mild controlled “fury”, "I'm just so mad I could SPIT", we hysterically giggled in silent vibrations and uncontrollable laughter in the backseat for a good long while! Because as calm as his anger was, that was really mad for sweet Papa Rock! Yes, he took us all the way home for the curling iron. They are good people.

Ok, so now for “substance”. When I asked Mama Rock the 5 things she's glad she did in raising her girls, here is what stood out to her. (This was prefaced by "it was all in spite of me and by the grace of God". I made her come up with practical pass-on-able tidbits!!)

1. I am glad we taught respect for authority and obedience at an early age (right off the bat, one year old and up). If you wait until they are tweens, it's too late. Now they respect God and His authority, as well as the law, their parents, teachers, etc.

2. I am glad we required them to do household chores because they learned how to keep house and to do their share as members of a family. (I can attest to this fact when my own girls and I visited Janet's family of (7children) in Kansas City in recent years. It was like a well oiled machine- every person did their part happily, without a parent having to beg and no one complained. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I mentally scribbled notes, wondered what in the world I had done wrong and said to my kids "DO YOU SEE THIS?!?!?!" Sorry for my extra comments there, couldn't help it.)

3. I am glad we kept an "open house" for their friends, because we got to know their friends and they got to know us. Have as many activities in your home as possible. We wanted the girls and their friends to feel welcome anytime. Because of this we would know if there was trouble anywhere and they would be less likely to go astray.

4. I am glad we made family time a priority via meals together, going to church together, watching TV together, etc. Family should come first after God- and that includes extended family too. Having a good husband/wife relationship and agreement between the two (at least in front of the kids) is very important too.

5. I am glad we did not wait "until they were old enough" to teach these things but started at a young age, because if a child is left to herself she brings shame to her Mother. Proverbs 29:15

To sum it up, she said teenage years can be scary and there are some really hard times, but she found them to be so much more fun than she expected. Mama Rock and Papa Rock are now the proud grandparents of a whopping 25 wonderful grandchildren and one grand-son-in-law !! Grandkids range in age from 25 years to 3 months; thirteen girls and 12 boys.

Afterwards, I couldn't help but bring up the subject of her working as a nurse while raising kids, since she didn't mention it. I remember her often being in her nurse uniform, coming to and from work late at night, wondering why we were coloring our tapioca pudding green. Her thoughts on the subject: "Nursing was the only job I was ever interested in, even as a child. I was never interested in having a career or climbing the career ladder. My family was my first priority and my job came second. I just worked part time in order to help with family finances, college,weddings, etc. I'm very proud that two of my granddaughters are RN's also. It's fun to be able to "talk shop" with them. When my granddaughter Abigail's class recited the Nightingale Pledge, all the RN's in the audience were asked to join them, I was very proud to be able to do that. I'm very grateful for all the nursing experiences I've had."

Coming tomorrow, insights from all four now grown up Rockhold sisters! Stay tuned, it's fun because what they appreciate is all so varied. Thanks to Mama Rock for being willing to share her thoughts with us. Their entire family is a great example to many people. I'm glad to know them.