Being Female in Today's World- Part 1

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The subject of raising girls in today's world conjures up many thoughts, proven by MANY conversations I've either been a part of or have eavesdropped on in public. It's rarely a boring conversation!

I had lunch with some people at work the other day that I don't know. When the subject of raising daughters came up, one of the ladies said the funniest line, as she summarized her thoughts on raising her own daughter. She said, “When my daughter was 9, I said ‘I can’t do this’; when she was 11 I considered sending her to boarding school; and when she was 13, I considered going to boarding school!" That's a good summary of a fairly common thought!

Recently in preparation for my talk at a local church on the value of being female, I asked a question on my Facebook page "5 Things" to see what women had to say. I asked the question: One of the values or benefits of being female is _________:

Some answers you gave: 

• giving birth and giving life
• we are caretakers yet taken care of
• we are emotional creatures and life would be meaningless without emotion
• having such strong, raw emotions-sometimes it hinders, but mostly it helps me to experience life in the truest sense
• motherhood
• the innate ability to be compassionate
• nursing a child
• we are strong- stronger than we think

I add to that that we are creators, receivers, have power, are able to nurture, we have an intuition, an inner desire for relationship, we hold families together, and are able to go deep with the Lord.

Everywhere I go, I hear people say “OH NO” to raising girls in today’s world. Why? The reasons seem to be the dangers, it’s hard to control what they do in a culture so immoral, the pressures so strong and the role models so low. Raising girls is expected to be hard. But I say that’s the wrong point of view.

  

Let’s talk for a minute about how females are viewed in our society. First, there is so much gender confusion in today’s world. Knowing the value of why God created males and females has always been important, but it's becoming increasingly important. The strengths He gave each are important.

When I say “how females are viewed in society”, I’m talking about culture in general-  the culture we live in- the news, the media, the movies and books, the music, the culture in schools and on social media, etc. Not necessarily how you are living your life. How our culture portrays females slips in, no matter how protective we try to be, so it’s good to understand and think through these issues with our girls, as is age appropriate. I am generalizing in the broadest sense.

Think of baby girls- they are everything sweet, cuddly and princess-y. Girls are talkers and fun and frilly. As they grow into toddlers, we talk about how smart they are, what they are learning.

The elementary years are adventurous years, where they try new things and find new talents- maybe sports, leadership in school clubs, music, drama, art, being smart, enjoying life. Somewhere toward the older elementary years, the worrisome thoughts creep into girls' minds about looks, girl drama, mean girls and sometimes the confusing, yet fun subject of liking boys! Many adults look at these girls as though they are way too young to possibly be worrying about any of these subjects, but the young girls are definitely feeling the stresses early.  Thinking about looks, popularity, boys and how to deal with drama.

 As teen years hit, many in our culture have a view that teen years are going to be certain way. There is little we can do about the fact that girls become high maintenance, hard to get along with, sassy to parents and into things such as friend drama, dating, immorality, partying, etc.  We sometimes fall for this! But I disagree that it's a given. 

As adults, sometimes we are afraid of these years and are reactive instead of proactive.  We may assume the worst and expect things to be hard. We may put up with negative behavior in girls because “that’s the way girls are”. We put on our “YIKES” hat and think we can’t affect our girls in this stage. I believe that is so untrue!

People rise to the level of expectation. God never said the teen years have to be a terrible experience. They may have some difficulties and have rough periods, but we don't have to expect the worst and toss up our hands. If we consistently teach godly principles and have those as our standard, maybe some drama can be saved. We can concentrate on character at each stage and have that be our guideline. It certainly doesn't mean that the years will be a breeze, but we can prepare for them way ahead of time. Actually, the young years are the training ground for how teen years will be.

The biggest problems  in teen life become – who are my friends, do I have a boyfriend, and do I look good? The value of being female begins to show up as “how do I look, and am I desirable to guys?” instead of who they are inside, what they are gifted with.. what we see. Their view has often changed since childhood.

What’s interesting, in talking with many tweens, they feel tremendous pressure to grow up too fast. It’s easy to assume they want to, but when I've asked, almost 100% say they would rather remain young longer, and just enjoy being a kid. Who knew. 

As we grow older, the value that society largely puts on adult women is still in our looks, our youth and our sexiness. Like that’s the biggest aim we should have. That feeling gets transferred to our kids very young. The Girls 101 workshops we've done with girls as young as 5^th grade prove that they have thoughts of self loathing about their looks and their size already. Negative thoughts don't necessarily go away as we get older, we just mask it differently. Some women have gotten beyond it, and don’t see their value in looks. But the pressure of perfection and our looks is very prevalent. The Lord helps us through that as we mature. We can get beyond it.

Even the mean girl stuff- that doesn’t always go away with age either. Women are either our biggest hindrance, or our biggest support. There is nothing more powerful than a group of women who support each other.  Women who aren’t competitive is a beautiful thing. On the other hand, little is as destructive as mean women. 

As adults, there are varied expectations of women. Either we are expected to get a degree and make good money and compete with men, or we are to be the best stay-at-home-super-mom there is, making everything from organic sources while blogging about it. But we are to be busy and excel at whatever we do, regardless of what we choose. AND, we are to stay desirable no matter what happens; stay young, keep our body in shape after birthing several children, etc. Whew!

Older women- do you feel expected to be available, to help raise more kids (grandkids), to afford this, work here, volunteer there, be good moms and grandmas? Maybe it’s finally time to live your dreams, when in reality you are tired from making everyone else’s happen.

I don’t think all of these negative assumptions society makes about females, or that we put on ourselves, is how God intended us to be when He designed us. I don’t think He made us to be difficult and competitive. 

I think we misunderstand femininity and expect too little.

Maybe we are just misusing our strengths!

In Part 2, we will take a look at:

What should our focus be then? What are the strengths God gave us as women?

Stay tuned.

Does God Really Hear My Prayers?

A friend and I spent some wonderful time recently talking to, praying with and helping a young adult understand the process of growing in God's ways.

It's a great thing is to see a young person who has been through some stuff, at a young age, coming back to the ways they were raised in, not because of what anyone else says, but because it's what they want and have chosen.


And most importantly, it's because of the One who never gives up on us or leaves us alone, no matter what we do. He's relentless, yet a gentleman, in wanting relationship with us.

I was happy for the mom who can be at peace again, knowing that her child is choosing wisely again. Be encouraged, if you have one who is dabbling in iffy behavior. Keep praying for them. Prayers get answered.

When God Asks You To Do Something Crazy- A True Story

The other day I happened to hear about this miracle story from a friend over coffee, and thought it needed to be shared. It's such a good one, that I contacted the twenty-something young lady that it happened to and asked if she would write it out to share on my blog. She agreed to if it was anonymous, which is perfect.

Many of us have had moments like these, when God asks us to give up our self dependence to do something illogical in the natural, but very logical in the spiritual, then to see God do His thing once we've obeyed. But for most it's not our normal way of life, but really, it should be. Maybe that's why I liked this story- it's convicting and inspiring and encouraging all at the same time.

I'll let our anonymous friend tell it:

"Have you ever had a thought cross your mind that was kind of out there? Maybe a voice asking you to do something or say something that you wouldn’t naturally do or say? I’m not talking about those weird things that you think of when you let your mind roam free. I mean the little voice inside your heart that likes to call us outside of ourselves at times.

I’ve had a few of those moments take place during my walk with Christ. What I have learned is that most often those crazy thoughts are the leading of the Holy Spirit. I just needed to open my mind a little and my heart maybe a lot to consider the things He is trying to tell me.

I was eating dinner with a friend one night after work. She didn’t know it but I had a hard day that day. Her words were so encouraging and uplifting. My heart was soaking it up. Once our conversation ended, I offered her a ride home. She usually walked to work from where she lived, but since it was late, I didn’t feel comfortable about letting her walk alone. During our ride home, she made a comment about her search for a car. She explained how she had never had one in her 22 years of life. It kind of made me feel guilty in that moment. I never had to work for the car I drove, and it most often was a thing I took for granted. She talked about how her family was large and didn’t want to do for one kid what they couldn’t do for the others. It made total sense.

I dropped her off and headed home. As I made a turn out of her neighborhood, I heard a small voice inside my head say, “You could give her your car. Wouldn’t that be awesome?” I gave myself a small laugh aloud. I’ve heard of people doing things like that before. But those kinds of things were for people with lots of money. You know, the kind who could manage giving their cars away. Not 24 year old soon to be college students with little to no money. All of these thoughts were interrupted by a scripture verse. I even spoke it out loud, to myself, which I guess is a little strange in hindsight.

“Give and it shall be given unto you; pressed down, shaken together and running over.”

I have heard that scripture hundreds of times before but I honestly couldn’t recall where it was in the Bible (and I might have skipped over a few parts in my recitation). But that first word, give, stuck out to me. So much so that I kept weirdly repeating it out loud. It’s a command. Give. I was drawn to this before in Mark 15:16. This is the scripture that commands us as Christians to go into all the world and preach the gospel. That first word again, go, is a command. I heard a message on that scripture once where the speaker was talking on the things that this passage doesn’t say. It doesn’t go and “only do this if…” or “only applies to….” It just says to go.

That verse stuck with me for a few weeks as I questioned whether or not I could really take God at His word. Did I have to have a specific command from Him to give? The scripture does say just give. Can I really trust that if I just give that it will be given back to me?

Reality kind of hit me in the face one week in particular as all the things I needed to fix on my car started to resurface. It was a very stressful week. I felt a little overwhelmed. But after much prayer and some incredible people with car-fixing abilities stepped forward to help, what should have cost me over $1000 to fix only ended up costing me about $100 out of my own wallet.

At this point I had just decided that I should sell my car. It was in the best shape it could be, costing me the least amount of money possible. Selling it just made sense. Especially since school was around the corner and I could use the extra cash. However, the whole process made me feel anxious. I have come to know that when anxiety sets in, the Lord is usually trying to get my attention. Its odd that He communicates with me in that way I suppose, but sometimes it takes just that to get my attention.

I decided to fast one Wednesday in response to my anxiety. That morning at work, I had another conversation with my friend. We were talking about trust in the Lord. She told me that the Lord had been challenging her on big faith. He created the Universe after all. Couldn’t He do exceedingly and abundantly more than we give Him credit for? She was speaking straight to my heart. All I could think in that moment was “This is it. This is what I have called you to. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be apart of the answer she is seeking Me for?” It really convicted me. In a sense, my disobedience could rob my friend of receiving her entire blessing. Not that the Lord couldn’t work in other ways, but He does ask us for our obedience at times. We are His hands and feet on this earth.

I went straight home after work that day knowing that I needed to prepare to just trust God and obey. I made the decision to give my car to her, and while making arrangements for “the day to give”, I learned that a family member had just recently purchased a new car for themselves, so they were giving the old car to my parents for whichever child needed it most. I happened to be that child! Talk about some divine preparation. God was already providing for me as I was deciding to give. 

Friday morning came and I picked my friend up for coffee. I got to share with her what the Lord had taught me through her words of wisdom and then hand her the key to her new car. She was ecstatic. It was just precious to watch her cry and laugh at the same time over how much God cares for her. It was truly a blessing to witness.

If this story ended there I would’ve been perfectly content in my decision. I have learned in the short 3 years I have been walking with Christ that obedience to Him is the only way to satisfactorily live life. He only ever calls us towards Him. So to obey Him is to be closer to Him.

However, another thing I’ve learned is that I cannot out give my God. It's just not possible. An hour after our coffeehouse transaction, I received a call from my school. To set a short yet important backdrop for you, my prayer from the moment the Lord called me to school was that He would allow me to graduate debt free. I had at this point received scholarship and grant money that covered around 80% of my school fees. As thrilled as I was, it was still slightly disappointing to receive only a partial answer to my prayer. Oh, I of such little faith.

The phone call I received was to let me know that I had received an additional scholarship from excess departmental funds. I am now 100% loan free, funded for my first year of college. Only my God is this good. Only He is this faithful. His word has been proven true! Be blessed and encouraged that He doesn’t call us to obey and leave us to struggle along the way. He provides all things according to His purpose and He blesses those who are obedient. It’s worth it every time!"

The Nameless Woman by Lauren

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I love to pass on work that other people produce. I especially love to pass on original words written by young girls and young ladies.

Today I have the super honor of sharing a story that a wonderful young lady recently wrote. Lauren is my daughter's roommate at college. You know how we parents pray for our kids friends as they grow up, hoping our children will find very quality relationships? Lauren is an above and beyond answer to those prayers. She is in real life as fun as she looks in this picture! Ultra quality, as you will soon see as you read her words. 

I love her focus on "the nameless woman" in this story, taken from the story in John 8 from the Bible. No one is nameless to God. Lauren imagined what the woman caught in adultery must have been thinking as she was extended grace from this amazing Man. 

The Nameless Woman

By Lauren Branz

Again, I found myself in the same place.
Once again, I felt such filth all over my body.
I lifted up my fingers to wipe away the tears from my eyes, but all I could see was the dirt under my fingernails and my mud-stained hands.

My body ached.
Ached with a stinging pain.
Ached from the broken heart that I owned and was trying so desperately to fix.

The ground underneath my body was hard and cold.
There were no blankets to warm me.
Nothing to melt the icy feeling that followed me wherever I put my feet.

All that was next to me was a man that did not belong to me.
A man that did not love me.
A man that wanted a twisted form of love from me.

He didn’t want me. Not me.
No man wanted me.

You see, I was what you would label “an adulterer”
Always taking things that did not belong to me.
Always looking for love in the wrong places.
It was a deadly cycle that I couldn’t figure out how to break.

I looked out of the makeshift window in the small clay home.
It was still dark, yet the sun was beginning to slowly burst out of the horizon.
The man next to me was beginning to stir.
His body reeked with a smell that I could only describe as spoiled food and wine.

I realized that I needed to leave this man quickly.
His wife would be home when the sun was out of hiding.

Although this was a lifestyle that I had become accustomed to,
I still didn’t want to be caught doing the very thing that I was the most ashamed of.

I began to sit up slowly and started to look for my worn-out sandals that were passed on to me from my mother.
They were right beside the enormous door and inside of a bucket.
I stood up and began to plan my quiet escape.

As I was picking up the sandals, I began to hear noises outside of the home.
Then the door began to slowly open.
I looked around for a place to run, but there was nowhere to run.
There was always nowhere to run.

A woman now stood in the doorway with a group of men behind her.
She walked in her home with a candle in her hands.
She looked right at me with fire in her eyes and yelled,
“This is the woman I was suspecting. The adulterer!”

The adulterer. Even I was beginning to forget my own name.

“Get out of this home!” One of the men yelled.
“How dare you think you could get away with this?” A second one said.
“You’re coming with us. No harlot in this town!” Another added.

The woman walked right up to me as her drunken husband began to wake up from the chaos.
“I hope you get what you deserve for seducing my husband,” she said as she spit on my face.
She then leaned down to comfort her repulsive husband.

“Who is this woman?” he said pointing at me. “I have never seen her before!” he slurred.

I looked at him, disgusted.
Once again, I was the nameless woman.
Was anyone willing to stand up for me?
Did I do this act by myself?

The wife began to whimper loudly.
“Pharisees, take her away!” She yelled to the men in the doorway.

The two men in the front came to me, and grabbed both of my arms forcefully.
They pushed me through the door as they began walking me through the town.

They were holding my arms so hard that I was beginning to not be able to feel them.
All I could feel was the sharp stones under my feet.
I remembered I never got the sandals from the bucket

Where were they taking me?
Was death my punishment?
There was a dark part of me that wished that it was.
At least I would be out of my misery.

I was beginning to see where they were taking me.
To the temple courts.

As they brought me into the temple, I realized there were hundreds of people there.
They were all listening to a man that I had never seen before that was standing in front of them all.
He was teaching them.

He stopped speaking when I came into the temple.
All of the people looked at me.
My pride was gone. Everything I had was gone.
I had never felt more defeated.

The men made me stand in front of the entire group.
All of their eyes were glued to me.
I looked down at my filthy feet to avoid their gaze.

“Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

I felt as if the men didn’t like this teacher.
Like he was challenging their authority.
They hung on his every movement like they were trying to accuse him of something also.

Instead of answering them, this teacher bent down and starting writing in the dirt below him.

I thought that maybe the men had brought me to the wrong person.
Who was this curious man?
What was happening?

“Did you hear us, teacher?” one asked.
“What are you doing?’ another one chimed.
The questioning continued as he persistently wrote in the dirt.
After a long pause, he stood up and said these simple words,

“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

My head shot up.
I couldn’t believe it.
Was this teacher crazy?

Everybody in the town knew who I was.
An adulterer.
I deserved a punishment.
I deserved to be put to death for the things that I had done.
I even knew that.

He looked at me for a moment with his soft gaze and bent down to write in the dirt again.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first.
Every single one of my accusers and criticizers fled.

This teacher gathered himself as he looked around the temple.

“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” he said as he looked at me with his gentle eyes.

I looked around the temple.
No one was here to condemn me any more.

“No one, sir.” I spoke slowly.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” the teacher declared.
“Go now and leave your life of sin.”

He continued writing in the dirt.
I was speechless and shocked.

Whoever this man was,
Whatever this man was,
I wanted to know what he was teaching.

(Send her some love in the comment section- she is just emerging as a writer and went out on a limb letting me post this! Don't you agree she should continue writing?!! So good).

Anastasia's Mom- Her Perspective

Yesterday Anastasia told a story of growing up in many ways during her college experience, which she is now in her final year of. If you missed it, make sure and click on those pink words there and read her touching story.

The tragedy of her roommate passing away was something she never dreamed would happen.

If you missed that story, please go back and take a moment to soak in the words of Anastasia.

Today, Anastasia's mom Lucy shares her side of the story, receiving that phonecall, the shock and her response. Here's Lucy:

"From the time our children are born, our goal is to raise them to become independent, self-reliant adults. Ironically, when the day comes, we tend to pull back the reins.

I had so many different emotions as we moved Ana into her dorm. I felt excitement, anticipation, fear, pride. I was so proud of Ana for becoming the young woman that I had raised. She was ready for this moment, this life experience. I just knew she would do well. She would make lifelong friends and memories.

I wanted her to experience campus life. Even though we were only 45 minutes away, I wanted her to stay on campus during the weekends so that she could become a part of that community. It was hard, but I felt that it was best. I tried to give her space, but what I really wanted was to be a college chic all over again! I knew that wouldn’t go over well.

We spoke often and sent texts keeping each other informed of life’s daily happenings. Occasionally, she would come home and spend the night. I loved those times.

I will never forget the day Ana called me and I could barely understand her words through her sobbing.”What?”

She said it again, “Ariane died….”

Did I hear that right? “What?! When? What happened?”

My thoughts were reeling…this can’t be…we just saw her a couple of days ago when we dropped Ana off after a nice meal. We walked her to her room and Ariane was sitting on her bed studying. She stopped long enough to acknowledge us with her beautiful smile. She was her usual friendly self. She seemed fine.

I asked her again. I asked all the same questions over again thinking the answers would be different. It didn’t make sense.

“What can I do? Do you need me to come? How can I help?” I felt so helpless. I thought she needed me. I could have been there for her, but she was surrounded with people who loved her and who loved Arianne. They would support her.

I was glad that she came home that night to spend the night with us. I just hugged her and didn’t want to let go.

As hard as this year has been for Ana, I think it’s made her a stronger, wiser person. She sees life in a “real” way and knows life is short. I can’t protect her from that as hard as it is to see her hurting. She has become that loving, mature, God-strong woman independent , self-reliant, Christian young woman that I always hoped and prayed she’d become."

Anastasia shared the personal struggle she went through in dealing with the loss of her very close friend unexpectedly. Thank goodness she was surrounded by loving friends and family. I never met Ariane but know that she was an amazing and inspiring person, well loved by those around her. I pray for her family in what must still be so hard.

I thank Lucy and Anastasia both for sharing their story. Ana described how through hard times, good can still come. How people live without faith in God is beyond me. I know that there's nothing else that can hold us together during times as hard as the ones that Anastasia described. But He is there even then. And I know He is with Ariane's family.

We have the hope that even our eternal life is secure. Ariane just changed where she lives.

College Girls Share What Draws Them...

I love this video!!

Almost all of these girls I've met personally and know how wonderful they are. One is my lovely daughter.

I love that Jaime Bofferding took the time to make this video. (Props to you!)  I asked permission to blog this and they happily agreed.

Take a moment to be inspired by hearing what draws these girls into a personal relationship with Jesus.

In a day where many parents are nervous about raising girls, I love to share examples of wonderful, quality, fabulous girls, (not perfect) but still fabulous girls.

They are our very exciting future. I think we'll be okay.

Getting the Most Out of Middle School- Taya's Story

Jadyn Noelle Photography

Middle school is notorious for being a very hard three years and having just survived it, I completely agree.


Though it may be extremely hard at times, there are still countless amazing parts to it!


I think that three of the key things to having a successful middle school experience are relationships, staying true to yourself, and a relationship with God. My parents, God and my friends helped me through, and I left with only a few battle wounds. I think that if you focus on these three things, then it can be very fun and full of good memories.


Friends can make or break a school year. It's easy for middle schoolers to become so involved in only being friends with people that make them "look good". My closest friends have been the people I least expected to relate to. Over the past three years two of the most important things I have learned is to always get to know people for myself, and it’s good to have friends outside of school.

I can’t tell you how many times I listened to what people said about others, avoided that person, and then ended up becoming really close friends with them once I started talking to them myself. Sometimes people may judge you for who you’re friends with, but if you know in your heart that they’re good for you then you shouldn’t care what people say. It’s better to have friends you love and are happy with, rather than being with who may make you look good. I have a giant mixture of friends from all sorts of “groups”, and it’s so fun! But my two closest friends don’t even go to my school. It’s really nice to have a few people that aren’t involved in your school life. Long story short, get to know people yourself, accept everyone and don’t worry about what people think of your friends.

Possibly the biggest reason for drama at this age is dating. Guys are great friends. I have a lot of guy friends and it’s really fun. But the mistake that girls make is thinking that in middle school, making a friendship into a relationship will actually go somewhere. Remember this, you are thirteen, you aren’t getting married tomorrow and as my wonderful dad put it, “You can’t get bacon from a chicken, and you can’t get real romance from a middle school boy.” There is so much truth to that. I have had a million friends cry to me (more than once) about boyfriend issues. Save yourself the tears, and don’t do it. In middle school they make much better friends then boyfriends.

One of the hardest things about school is not becoming someone other than yourself. It’s hard, because everyone wants to fit in. You should never compromise who you are to be be “accepted”. It’s not worth it, because in the end if you can’t be yourself, then you won’t be happy. I know this.

There is a friend for everyone. Now if you’re disagreeing right now and saying, "No there aren't friends for everyone. No one talks to me,"  then I'd suggest you might be wrong. In seventh grade, I didn’t have any classes with any of my friends, and this was during my shy stage. Nobody talked to me, so I assumed that no one liked me. I found out later that since I didn’t talk to anyone, it caused people to think I didn’t want them to talk to me. But as soon as I became friends with one girl (we started talking about a book series and it went from there), I was able to start being myself more.  I became friends with her friends, and my year got better.

While I was quiet and didn’t talk to anyone, thinking that they wouldn’t like me, they just wanted me to open up, talk to them, and be myself. So even if you’re incredibly shy, just start with one person and introduce yourself. Don’t act like you like certain things just to have something to talk about. Stay true to who you are, and you will find friends. And if you have a hard time starting conversations, I find that giving a (genuine!) compliment can help start conversation. Again, do not change who you are just to make friends. If hanging out with them requires changing yourself, they’re probably not ideal friends.

My whole life I have not liked sunday schools, youth groups, large church gatherings and crowds of people. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus, I just don’t like large groups of people. But in sixth grade my parents forced me to go to a youth group, and over time I came to love it. This last year I alternated between three different youth groups, and can now tolerate large groups of people. The best part of it though, is that it truly helped me survive middle school.

I made a few fantastic friends there, and I’ve never been closer to God. I leave verses in my locker, or on my binders to help throughout the day. Also I started listening to worship music in the mornings before school rather than other music, and it helps put me in a good mood for the day ahead. So even if you think that youth groups aren't your thing, I highly suggest trying it out. There is no way I could’ve lived through middle school without it. And if you try it and really don’t like it, then at least find some strong Christian friends. One of my best friends actually isn’t a Christian, and I have many more that aren’t, but I still make sure to have good Christian friends who believe the same. For me it is vital to having a healthy life.

Yes, middle school has its downs, but it also has ups. It’s like a roller coaster. Whenever you go down a hill on a roller coaster, then you have to grip onto the bar, or else it feels like you’ll fly right out. During the downs of middle school, then you need friends, family, and God to hold onto. During the ups, then you'll have people to share it with. I have some great memories and yes there was hard times, but I still had fun. It’s definitely a learning experience, and one that I wouldn’t change. It made me a stronger person, and now I have learned things that I can use in high school.

5 Things Story- Jana Pepin Emerson Shares About Her Mom

Yesterday the 5 Things Story of Roberta Pepin was highlighted, giving us a breath of fresh air in this complicated world of parenting. Love your kids, take care of them, teach and pray for them. Live well.

Today Roberta's daughter, Jana Pepin Emerson, 4th child of 10 and 1 of only 2 girls, shares her 5 Things she's glad her mom did while raising her. (surprise mom!)

From Jana, 5 things I'm glad Mom did….

1. Always pointed us to the Lord. I remember so many times when I was struggling with making a decision, was anxious or concerned about a relationship, my mom would encourage me to pray about it and seek God for my answer. She would say “Why don’t you take some time and do some praying about it”. Probably even more importantly, she lived her life that way. She would “go away” every once in a while to pray and re-charge herself. I can still picture her feeding a baby (because there were a lot of those in my family!) and her Bible would be open and she would be reading or praying while she was nursing.

2. My mom was (and still is) an AMAZING listener. I honestly can NEVER remember a time when my mom was too busy to listen to something I had to say. She never made me feel as though what I had to say wasn’t important or that she didn’t care. She was really good about listening and not telling me what to do but instead letting me talk through what I was dealing with and not trying to “control” or “solve” the issue. We would often tease my mom about her friendships. She has always had some close friendships with women who seem to do much of the talking and I attribute this to my mom’s amazing listening skills. She is a person who is content just listening and people are very drawn to that.

3. Gave unconditional love. I have always felt as though my mom was my biggest fan! As the mother of ten children, she was able to find the time to make each one of us feel as though we were her favorite! She is one of the very few people in my life where I feel like I can be my true self with, always. I can say anything to her and know that she will never think any less of me or judge me in that moment. She truly knows my heart and I feel extremely safe with her. I know that I have not always been the easiest person to love and forgive but my mom has always been there for me and has been a constant support.

4. Modeled the importance of thinking of others. My mom is one of those people who has always put others needs before her own. Regardless of her own daily struggles, she has always modeled the importance of putting her children, husband, and others before herself. Looking back now, as an adult and parent, I think about the challenges that my parents faced on a daily basis when raising ten children. At the time, we were all protected and had very little knowledge of the obstacles that were before them. My mom has always been gracious and kind to those around her. I do not think that it is a coincidence that all ten of us children place high value on helping others, whether that is through choosing a “helping” profession or incorporating mission work into our lives.

5. Was a strong encourager. My mom is also one of the most positive people I have ever met. She is an eternal optimist. She has always had a way of finding the good in people, even when they don’t deserve it. There have been many times in my life where I have felt hopeless or really frustrated with a situation and I know that by talking with my mom, she will be able to encourage me and remind me that God has a plan. I truly believe the success of her children is attributed to her constant support and encouragement.

Thank you Jana for giving us your perspective, looking back on life, and sharing what felt most important, as the daughter. Tomorrow we get to hear from daughter-in-law Scarlet, who was happy to share, as she is "still benefitting daily" from Roberta's parenting. Stay tuned!

5 Things Story- Roberta Pepin, Mom of 10

Pepin is a pretty well known name in our area, maybe because there are so many of them! I've had the fun of getting to know Roberta Pepin recently, a mom to 10 grown children.

Almost the whole family (missing one!)

Married to her "Handsome", Jerry, for 51 years, Roberta and Jerry have known each other even longer, being neighbors growing up! So she says they have known each other forever.

Roberta and Jerry have 8 sons and 2 daughters, ranging in ages from 50-27. Grandchildren are 15 in number, with one on the way. Great grandchildren are two in number, with one more on the way! They are a large, blessed family.

My good friend Scarlet, married to one of the Pepin boys, arranged for me to meet Roberta, knowing that she would make for a great 5 Things story!

As I talked with Mom Pepin, I also got input from daughter-in-law Scarlet (who says she is reaping all the benefits from Roberta's parenting.) Therefore I'm mingling in Scarlet's comments also, to add a different angle to this interview.

First, I asked Roberta if she always wanted a large family and her answer surprised me. She did, but apparently at the time, in her area of the country, many people were causing guilt about having large families due to overpopulation fears. She prayed about each child, wanting to know each time that having another was the right thing. The response always seemed to be that children are a blessing, and she says now that they always had enough, even though it was not always clear ahead of time how they would provide for each added blessing.

After becoming pregnant with their 4th child, Roberta said she and her husband became committed followers of Jesus and began to experience more understanding of their relationship with Him.  The issue of having a large family and overpopulation guilt was bothering Roberta, so she began to pray about it even more.  At a Lutheran service they attended, a Christian man from India spoke. He noted in his speech that Americans spoke against Indians for having too many children, and that peaked her interest. Afterwards, she asked him about this. He shared with her Psalm 127 "Children are a heritage of the Lord, offspring a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame."

Roberta and her husband were very new to having a close relationship with the Lord and it was hard at times, but they listened to the Lord. Finances were often hard.  She says they weren't an ideal situation to have multiple kids. Each time she became pregnant they needed reassurance that it was the right thing.

So the calm outlook that I saw on her face today,  I realized was a learned thing over years of seeing answered prayers.

Before meeting with Mom Pepin, I asked my Facebook readers what questions they wanted me to ask a mom of 10 grown children. Two responded, and both asked about worrying. What did she decide to let go of and not worry about? What did she waste time worrying about that she wished she hadn't?

Much to my surprise, one of her favorite lifetime mantras is "Don't worry. It'll all work out". She has seen God come through too many times to think that He won't this time.

Her children are all known for being quality, good, solid people, so before I met her I thought, "This will be like talking to the super source of all parenting! 'How did you do it?! What can we do that you did?!'" (Isn't it funny how our human tendency, though we know is false, is to look for some formulas that will make everything be okay.)

That is not what she had to share. She's a wonderful, peaceful, humble mom. No formulas. Just a handful of great principles.

(Bad news, there's no magical formulas.) (We knew that, but don't we always hope?)

Good news, all she shared about her life is possible for any other person to do, if they so choose.

That's a good thing!

She is a mom who loved, listened to, took care of and prayed for her kids. And exemplified a good life.

In a world of hyper parenting and over parenting, it was refreshing to take a look back just a few years and see how simple her approach really was...and how well it worked.

I asked Roberta to share 5 Things She's Glad She Did raising her children. Though she was reluctant to come up with anything she really did, (true humility), as she talked about those years we managed to identify 5 things together.

1. Raise them to know the Lord, by teaching them and living the example. Once you release them to live their own life, they will have the foundation necessary to be on their own. Life decisions will be made through that filter.

2. Be there for them, an encouraging, listening ear. If you're worried about them, yes it's hard, but still listen and encourage. (Daughter in law Scarlet stepped in here and added that she has noticed that Mom Pepin really shows interest in what interests her kids. She gets into their world, not in a controlling way, but in an interested way.) Roberta said to listen, not in order to press your own plan, but to stay involved. You are the parent. Stay involved by listening.

3. Don't worry. It's relief to know that we don't have to do the fixing. God gives us room and choice in life, we should extend that also. Teach the Word to them, and then they choose. If they do drift, be there still to encourage. We have all drifted off the path from time to time. It's never the end. From years of experience, she says something good is always around the corner. (Isn't that great??!!)

4. You think you love them so much, but God loves them so much more. He will take care of them.

5. Be an example of godly living. (DIL Scarlet  jumped in with her observance of this family she married into. Scarlet describes the family closeness as nothing short of just amazing. Favor surrounds them "like surround sound in a movie". They are all honorable and respectful. Among the most godly men Scarlet said she knows. The favor and closeness the family shares is amazing).

Roberta quickly added, "I didn't teach that, it's got to be God. He fills in the gaps for us. I know there's no way it was me."

I had to ask, "Were you hours in prayer? Praying for this great family?" She laughed and said, "No, I was doing laundry." Scarlet said that Roberta oozes peace and that set the tone for the Pepin home, one of peace.

As for not worrying, Roberta said you can't white knuckle life. Let God take over. There were so many kids, they had to get along. They didn't always have a lot of extra finances, but she now sees her kids love to give. God did it all.

She said, "I didn't have time to problem solve everything for them, they had to solve things on their own often. As a mom you feel so responsible, but you cannot do it all."

The three of us noticed how different some parenting is now, thinking that we have to oversee and do everything for or with our kids. Maybe they don't really need all the overboard extra attention and stress some moms put on themselves today. Roberta's kids all grew up able to problem solve and take care of themselves and be responsible. Because she gave them room to learn that growing up.

This interview took me back to the old school parenting that I love- be a good person, take good care of your children, and know that the kids will be ok. If you can't afford something, let your kids see God provide. If they have a problem with friends or school, listen but let them work it out. There is something very freeing about the whole thing. Maybe a reminder we need.

Roberta shared what she sees in today's generation that she appreciates so much. She loves that fathers are more involved and helpful now. She loves hearing wisdom of younger generation too.

So my summary... In this stressful world we live in, maybe it's all easier than we make it. Easier, yet harder. Sometimes it's easier to fill our lives with activity, than it is to be a solid person.

I choose to go after the simplicity of the solid life, doing the right thing and trusting God to be God.

It'll all work out.

Parenting in the Wilderness

Lucky for you, today's post is from my friend, Tracy Schaller.



Tracy and her husband, Mark both went to college with me way back when. In fact, I remember them like this:

Remember that guest post from my friend Lucy about Raising a Daughter with a Disability? Mark was the team leader for that missions trip that Lucy and I were both on. Not sure if Mark knew Lucy and I snuck out and raided the pantry, but oh well.

Mark and Tracy were dating during that summer that Mark, Lucy and I spent in Amsterdam. The days of receiving letters from back home were exciting, I do remember that. The funny thing is, I never really knew Tracy very well, just through Mark that summer. I know he adored her.  I didn't get to "know" Tracy well until Facebook this last year! Isn't that funny. There are some people you can get to know and relate to, when you find them posting things that you would post, you like the comments you see, common opinions are realized. Facebook is a funny thing, but it IS possible to get to know someone through it.

NOW, Mark and Tracy have 7 beautiful children, ranging in ages from 4-18. They have been married for almost 23 years. An amazing example of a great family.

I just had a feeling. I asked Tracy if she would share something on this blog. Usually I give people a direction, or theme. This time it was an open ended question. She responded with this beautiful devotional for parenting that she wrote. I will let it speak for itself. I'm sure it'll speak to you.

"Parenting…no one ever said it would be easy.  And if they did, they lied.  There are definitely different seasons in parenting – depending on the year, the month, the week, the day, the hour, the moment!  Often it seems like a mommy finds herself in the “wilderness season” more than she cares to be. 

Here you may feel hot (bothered, sweating, as in -"I don’t know what I am doing, I’m not even sure how we arrived here, and how do we get out – alive"), thirsty (for His wisdom, His knowledge, His understanding, His answers, His comfort…are you parched yet!?)  

At these times your children may feel like the desert animals – serpents and wild animals.  I think it is safe to say – we have all been there and have experienced that!!

The beautiful thing is that there is hope!!  Here are just a few reminders that just may help you during this season of wilderness mothering.

He knows your name and is calling…(Hagar heard Him call while in the wilderness – Gen 21:17-19 – He opened her eyes and she saw a well of water.  I’m so thankful that there is always a few places small springs of water rise to the surface and give enough moisture for growth.  May He open your ears to hear and your eyes to see.  His presence is near.  He is our living water – our oasis!!  He uses all for growth!

He wants us to simply be in fellowship with Him – abiding – resting – trusting, peaceful – not afraid.  Song of Songs 8:5 “Who is this coming up from the DESERT leaning on her lover?”   If we lean on Him – He promises to direct our paths.  It is He who is pouring living water in you and through you  (to help others find the Oasis – Jesus – in their mothering.)  This verse reminds me of my job – abiding – and His job – giving me strength. 

It reminds me that it is okay to look odd to this world in my mothering – they will eventually say and ask, “Who is this LOVER of hers?”  Oh, that is my heart’s cry…may they see Jesus.  My reactions during the wilderness season matters – others are watching!  The only way for me to be a terrific mom is my leaning on the Creator of my children!

Finally, I love His promise to mothers!!  Isa. 40:11  “He tends his flock like a shepherd.  He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young.”  Ponder it!!  Allow Him to be all this to you – this moment!


We all know that parenting isn’t for wimps.  “Keep Calm and Carry on”, my mommy friend. 

Lean on Him – abide, hope, rest, know His love, wait on Him….His promises are sure and true!"

Quiet, Stillness, Support...

This last weekend girls were prayed for at a prayer meeting just for them...girls both in high school and college. The goal is just to provide an atmosphere of quiet, stillness, and support in prayer.

God gave, through Scripture and prayer, some wonderful images of His relationship with each of them.

If you don't believe in God speaking to you through prayer, this may not make sense to you. But we had a room full of young girls, who by choice are living lives in relationship with Jesus, who find their purpose and identity in Him. They are filled with hope and confidence in their futures. And a security of relationship with God.

Not everyone believes this way, which I get and that's okay. But for those who do, or who seek for something like this, nights like this are such an encouragement. Such a boost for girls to see God intimately involved in relationship with them.

Photo credit: Joy Magee http://www.deebrestin.com/

"You're nestled under His wing, in comfort and protection, as He battles above, on your behalf."

Encouragment  received that she is on the right track, He's pleased she is determined to serve Him. He's right there with her as she makes daily decisions. She can be confident that she will make good decisions as she stays consistent.

"You don't have to know everything now. God's got it figured out ahead of you. Rest. Be at peace."

God appreciates her being one of those who seek Him and seek to understand Him.

"The road may be lonely as you make decisions that separate you from others, but it won't be lonely with Him. He's got your back."

"Good things to come- don't let go of the dream, it's still valid and still there."

 What better thing can you ask to hear from high school and college aged girls than "Can we do this every month??" (and I never remember to take pictures at these meetings! or I'd post these lovely ladies!)

Girls seeking prayer. Seeking God.

God proving Himself  faithful, involved and caring.

Donna Greene, who has worked with teen girls for well over 30 years, says in her book "Growing Godly Women":

"The Bible helps a girl to look deep within her soul in order to find and begin to know her true self. She learns to acknowledge her own unique gifts and accept her true feelings and limitations. She begins to make decisions about values, standards, and commands from God. What is socially acceptable does not necessarily match God's Word. The Bible teaches her a process, which includes knowing the difference between thinking and feeling, between hearing her own voice and that of another person rather than the will of the Lord. God's Word shows a girl the difference between immediate gratification and long-term goals. Culture may change but God's guidelines do not. They help a girl chart a course based upon the road which, although narrow, leads to joy, confidence, personal satisfaction and peace."

Many, many sources, whether they consider themselves "Christian" or not,  agree that teens have a need to understand and experience spiritual things.  It helps them process life.

Ladies in my local area, if you have never heard of or been to an iRefresh prayer meeting, I encourage you to check out one of these monthly meetings, for a similar experience for women. Look at their website at http://www.irefresh.net/.

Our Stocking Prayer Tradition

Merry Christmas! Last night our family continued what has become a favorite Christmas tradition. We gather around the fireplace, take down the stockings that hang at the mantle and pass them out. Then we each write a prayer to Jesus. The letter gets tucked back in the stocking year after year for no one else but Jesus to see.

I don't know how this tradition started. But this is year nine, so my kids were 4, 6 and 9 when we began. Nothing more precious than a 4 year old's handwritten prayer, full of misspelled and backwards letters, wishing Jesus a Merry Christmas. Last night was the first time I got to see that! One daughter shared the cuteness of her first letter with me. (I don't read any of the prayers, even as I pack up decorations year after year. They are sacred.)

 There were no rules when we started. Some of us highlight the year, some are traditional prayers, some write their questions about the next year, one signs her signature each year to see how it changes. The girls last night were laughing at old phases they've been through in growing up.

 One awesome thing that happens is we can see how God has answered prayers. And we can see how things that seemed so huge and important at the time of writing has actually worked out or become unimportant during the span of twelve months.

 I'm sharing this tradition in hopes you'll steal it and start it too! It's never too late, you can do it on Christmas, New Years, maybe even birthdays. It's become too meaningful to not pass on. Tweak it to fit your family, then have fun.

 Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Discerning Mom Vs. Rebellious Child - Wanda Watson

I'd like you to meet another friend of mine, Wanda Watson.  We met about 25 years ago through a mutual fun friend here in Tulsa. Wanda was the wise woman at the time and we were floundering youth!

Wanda has raised four amazing children, 3 daughters and a son, most of the time as a single mom. She lives in Texas now, but spent all of these childrearing years in Tulsa. Her kids are all grown, happily married and have given her 6 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren that she adores!!

We lost touch for years, but found each other again through Facebook! (One of the benefits of Facebook...)

One fun fact  about Wanda (that she won't tell you)  is how back then she would move wherever she felt like God led her to, for whatever period of time He said, and it was always to affect the life of someone nearby. This was when her empty nest years had started. She was extremely involved at Victory Christian Center while she was also a social worker at D.H.S. She might live in an apartment for a year because God said to move there, and there was always someone who needed her influence at that time. She loved every move and all the people along the way. She loves people, is humble, fun and silly too. But when it comes to spiritual things, she is strong and bold and seems to have a direct line to God (though she won't like that I just wrote that!) :)

There's something very beneficial about kids knowing that they can't lie, because their mom hears from God. That's the kind of mom she was. She was a very loving and supportive mom, who worked full time, volunteered many hours at church, made sure she spent time with all her kids, but also had to be extra strong, raising kids as a single mom.

I could come at her story from many angles, but what I want to focus on today is something very specific, hoping it will help those in similar situations.  That is, how to deal with a rebellious child, especially if you have the personality type Wanda has, which is very discerning.

There are too many good nuggets, so I'm breaking my 5 things rule and giving her more. She gets 8! :)

1.  You can use your discernment in two ways - to judge or for information. Some discerning people pounce on their kids because they feel like they "know" what's going on with them already. Don't pounce. Use your discernment for information, but follow up with questions. Try your best not to judge your kids. They know by your attitude when you have already judged them and they will close up. If you have a hard time not judging them, tell them "I don't want to judge you, I just need to understand, so that I won't." Never open your mouth to let the enemy of our souls use your words against them. (God watches over His Word to perform it and the enemy seems to watch over ours to make it happen as well.)


2. Even though I often knew what was going on, I didn't assume I knew for sure. I asked questions. I often said,  "You know when I was young, this is what was happening...what's it like now?" to start conversations. She seemed surprised that I was human and had any kind of problems, after all I was her mom. :)


3.  Whether your kids are rebellious or quiet, the same principles apply to each, just with a different approach. Since I never wanted to pounce or condemn her with my mouth, I prayed first and asked God how to deal with her rebellion. I asked "How do I lead her?" I always tried to give unconditional love, without judging her. God allows us to see their goodness and focus on that, rather than totally on the deed done, so we can teach them how to turn it around to their good. There were a few times when God put my discipline on hold until He had better opportunity to get my hearing in tune with His way of doing things; rather then me going off on a tangent at the moment of occurence.


4. I explained to her, sometimes drawing pictures so it made more sense, that she was  in this parameter of safety that God had for her (under me as the parent).  I drew a box to represent that. This parameter will expand as she got older, with more freedoms and trustworthiness.  If she messed up, the parameter decreased, with fewer freedoms, but it didn't mean she was a bad person.  It just meant she wasn't emotionally ready to have the parameter expanded. My answer wasn't "You can't do it again", but yes, when you are ready. Or we will try this again after you have had time to show you can handle more of your own decisions in other areas. I'm supporting you until you are ready. I'm on your team. My job is to protect you and I love doing it!

5.  I reasoned with my kids.  Taught them the right thing, let them know of choices that were ahead, what would happen, how to make better choices...We expounded not just on the consenquece of the bad decisions but the benefits of the good ones. I let them know that growing up is a process and they will make mistakes but I am always there to support them when it goes well and help when it does not.  This allowed me to be proactive instead of reactive. Roleplay with your kids.


6.  God gives you ability and insight with your kids. Listen to it and follow through with it. When I said my youngest couldn't date until 16, I didn't  relent on rules. I had to follow through.  Curfew was midnight, not 5 minutes after midnight. If they were after midnight at all, they had to skip the next date.  Even if the excuse was legitimate. I let her boyfriend and her know that being responsible in dating is planning ahead for delays. When she did start dating, I said "these are the days you can date, you won't go out more than these certain days a week." When she hit her limit that week, I didn't relent even if special circumstances came up. The mom of one of her dates was upset with me, saying "I don't want to have a Romeo and Juliet situation, since they aren't allowed to be together".  I said, "If you're son is that unstable, I'd rather they not keep dating."


I wouldn't let her go to the Caravan, the teen dance club in Tulsa. I told her and her date, "I'll know you are there and I'll come inside, embarrass you and get you out."  She actually smiled and shook her head in a "yes she will" kind of way that was not at all sarcastic. It told me that in her heart she really did know that my restrictions were because of my love for her and I would take care of her even if she couldn't. They never did go to the Caravan.I had to be strict because of her rebelliousness and stubbornness. She needed to know that I loved her. At times I knew her obedience was because  she knew there were consequences and not because it was in her heart, but God reminded me that obedience in action will lead to obedience in heart.


7.  Pray for wisdom. One of my daughters and her now husband, when they dated and would sit in the vehicle too long in the driveway, I would send younger siblings out to see them in the driveway so it wouldn't cause embarrassment, but would let them know it was time to come in.  Had that not worked I would have not had a problem embarrassing them by coming out myself. Later they told me they're glad I did that. God knew.


8. Pray scriptures for your kids, pray that the Word will be true in their lives. My kids know and say that I prayed Isaiah 61 over them, and have told me the many ways that Isaiah 61 has come true in their lives.


Other people  have commented to me what a blessing my children are to them and how their ministry to them has changed their lives. Now I have grandchildren who are following Christ and are now blessing others. The Word of God prayed over your chldren will not return to the Father without producing what that Word is sent out to do. He is faithful.

This daughter who was rebellious back then, is now a surgical care R.N. and working towards a degree to become a Nurse Practitioner.
Some kids are easy, some are difficult. Pray for wisdom and insight. Never assume you know what's going on. Never judge your kids. Love them unconditionally. Be the parent.


I know that God taught me so much while raising my children and it was a case by case or child by child lesson, but when we are willing to trust Him and listen to HIs Spirit He will never fail to lead us to right thinking and decisions for each one. He promises to give wisdom.

Pt. 4 - Ellie's Side

If you've missed it, we've been in an ongoing series for Anti-Bullying Month, retelling my friend Britni's story from her middle school years.  I told you the detective in me came out when we got into this story, and I had to find Ellie! Ellie and I have now conversed via phone to get her side of this drama.  Kinda fun becoming a reporter of sorts... I have great respect for these girls being willing to re-live some less than glamorous moments of their lives, in order to be a help. "Ellie" also gave permission to use her real identity, so today I introduce you to Morgan, aka Ellie.

Catch up on the story now if you need to so you can truly appreciate Morgan's perspective!

Pt. 1, Pt. 2, and Pt. 3 (Middle School Mean Girl Drama)

Now, to set the scene, I asked Morgan what her personality was like in middle school.  Britni was a strong personality, a leader, a go getter. Morgan was quiet, sensitive, compassionate.  She said if someone looked at her the wrong way, she might have cried back then. However, with Britni, her crazy silly side was brought out also,  in their very comfortable friend moments. They had a lot of fun during their many good times!

In Morgan's own words....

"I love Britni, and I have since we were in middle school together. I think what really drew me to Britni was the fact that even though she was going through so much pain- and at times she was not always the truest friend- I would see these glimpses of her strength, love and loyalty to me.  I always knew she was going to do big things, and now she is out traveling the world for Jesus! (You can see what Britni's currently up to at http://britnibersin.theworldrace.org/).  When Britni says to me 'I'm sorry I wasn't always the nicest to you', I have to refresh my memory to even remember some of the situations that took place.  It's really amazing how forgiveness can do that.


I do remember days when my so called "best friend" would blow me off to hang out with the more mean and dominating girls, or when she would point out a flaw in me, in front of others, for her own attention.  It was very painful at the time, but I seem to always remember back then that hurt people hurt people, and Britni was hurting.  I realized that I wasn't going to do any good hurting her back, so I tried my best to keep on loving her, even when it was so hard to do so.

What I couldn't understand is why Britni was trying to have these relationships with these dominating mean girls during her difficult times, trying to win their approval when she didn't have to do anything for mine.

Many times when Britni said something mean to me, I'd run to my mom and cry.  My mom always tried to protect me when I was upset or she would encourage me to take breaks from my friends when they were hurtful.  She was compassionate and also a problem solver, so on occasion,  my mom approached Britni's mom and together they talked us through problems.  

My mother is really a good woman and I am actually very grateful she is so strong & wise, otherwise I don't know if I would have survived school and  some friendships when I was younger.

There were times that Britni and I may have hung out less but I can't remember if that was by our own choice, or moms encouraging a break. (It's nice to know what seems traumatic right now may not be remembered in a just a few short years!)

I remember feeling like I had this mission to be at my friend's side through her pain, even if that meant I would be hurt at times. I realized the pain that my friend was going through was real.  Deep down I knew the other girls were just taking turns hurting one another, and if I could stay out of it as much as possible I could avoid some pain.


I did choose to forgive Britni and other girls that hurt me.  But honestly, I didn't always know how to protect myself. Looking back, if I could warn young ladies of anything, it would be that it's so crucial not to allow the way others treat you affect how you feel about yourself.  Growing up, I always had people who I thought were friends take advantage of me and treat me unfairly.  Sadly, my insecurity made me believe it was okay to be treated this way as long as I just loved and forgave everyone.  Later in life, girlfriends who treated me unkindly became boyfriends who treated me unkindly.  I eventually had an abusive boyfriend for the majority of my high school years.


Now I believe it so very important to always stand up for yourself.  We won't always have the control to make others treat us kindly or fairly, but we can choose how we react.  I believe it is important to remember to love God, love others, but also to love yourself.  I needed back then to know that it was never okay for people to treat me this way.  I had to grow to learn who I am and how to be my confident, fabulous self!


Above everything, we must always take our pain to Jesus.  He is by far the ultimate healer.  Without feeling His acceptance, we won't know how to stand against the cruelty of others. 

Looking back on this story, what is so neat to see is that God uses what we have gone through to strengthen us and to help us help others.  Through the persistent love I have had for Britni despite of what we went through, it's amazing to see God in all of this, and that our friendship has carried on.  We now love one another and push each other towards the things God has for our lives.  I am so blessed to have her in my life!"

I'm so happy to tell you Morgan married a wonderfully kind (and good looking!) husband on December 11, 2010 and is happily married, still growing in her understanding of all these life issues.

When I asked what she wishes she would have done differently back then, she had an interesting answer.

"I wish I'd known who I was, who God made me to be..and had been confident in that. If you don't know who you are, you'll let anyone tell you who you are.  In Christian schools, kids often don't want to be there, but even the ones who do may not understand their relationship with God and how that should affect their daily life.  They can be in church and chapels all the time, so FEEL like they are being spiritual, but my challenge to those kids now would be this- spend time with God alone, ask Him "Who am I? Who have You made me to be?" I wish I would have concentrated more on my one on one time with Jesus, my personal relationship with Him.  If I could have understood who I was in His eyes, I don't think I would have listened to other people so much. "

My observations from Morgan's story...

1.  Morgan's personality is a gift- a compassionate loving supportive friend.  One of life's greatest treasures. In that compassionate gift, she now sees that she needed boundaries also.  Girls often can love potential and good traits, while overlooking negative behavior. It took the help of her mother to know what behavior from a friend should not be overlooked and where boundaries were needed to protect herself.

2.  Morgan felt her choices were 1) hurt Britni back or 2) just keep on loving and forgiving her even when it's hard.  Morgan isn't alone in thinking those are the only choices.  I've seen that with many girls over the years.  In our efforts to teach them the "Christian way", we have taught them is to be kind and loving and forgiving, but we may have slacked on teaching them boundaries and conflict resolution.  Knowing what to take and what not to take from someone is a subject we need to roleplay with our daughters. Standing up for themselves, or even knowing when to, is not a natural ability in middle school. It has to be taught and it's a crucial life skill.

3.  What boundaries could have been set? Looking at their situation objectively, with no emotion, I could envision this scenario...

When Britni starts to tell Morgan what to do, who to like and who to be mad at, she can say, "Britni, I don't let anyone tell me what to do or who to like. If you're going to be that way, I'd rather not hang out. I like you, but not the way you're acting."  If Britni changes her ways, Morgan can keep hanging out with her. If she doesn't, Morgan can stop hanging out with her, at least for awhile.  She may be able to say, "Britni, why are you acting that way?" or "Hey I miss hanging out with you, are you still hanging out with the mean girls? How long are you gonna do that?" If Britni begins to miss the friendship, she may be more inclined to change her ways and go back to the true friend.  If not, Morgan may need to leave Britni alone until Britni amends her ways.

4.  In her insecurity, Morgan internalized mistreatment and allowed it to affect how she felt about herself.  She recognizes the only thing powerful enough to combat her inner feelings was her own relationship with God.  Being older now, she realizes the strength and healing that is possible with God's help.  I thought that was interesting she knows  now that a stronger relationship with God would have helped her at the time.

5.  It's possible to be mean without thinking you're mean.  Britni said in her post "I wasn't intentionally mean to Ellie".  But she said mean things to Ellie. So from Ellie's angle and in reality, Britni was mean (at the time).  Britni judged herself at the time from an internal perspective, that she was just dealing with life.  The truth was, which Britni acknowledges now, is that she was mean.

Lesson from that? Girls you are dealing with now, maybe even your daughter, may say they're not mean, and truly believe it, while they are acting out very mean behavior.  It takes a lengthy look to get to the bottom of things.

Back in Pt. 3,  I said it must be such a relief for the "Ellies" of the world to realize the mistreatment they endured wasn't because of their own failings, but because of the meanness of the perpetrator.  After hearing Morgan's side, it's only a relief looking back, when the situation is over. It doesn't save the Ellies from the pain put upon them at the time it occurs.

It's not okay to be mean.  It's not okay to hurt people or cause them pain. Britni agrees with this now. She's been portrayed as mean girl for a few posts, and she was, but it was only a small portion of her life. Morgan says  "Now that Britni and I are older its nice because we have each others back when we are going though things, and there is this 100% acceptance for one another. I can't honestly remember the last time we had a disagreement."  Here they are at Morgan's wedding last year :)

Let's continue to teach our kids the value of other human beings. Let's help our kids walk through the trials of life in depth, being open to hearing things they don't necessarily say out loud, and walking them through things they may feel they have to navigate alone. Some things are just too hard to figure out alone before life gives wisdom that only age can bring.

Tomorrow, you'll get to meet Britni's mom.  She has some encouraging words for moms out there. You won't want to miss it!