5 Things Story- Remembering Rita Laughlin

We are overdue for another 5 Things Story!

5 Things Stories are stories from women I interview. They answer the question "What are 5 things you're glad you did as a mom?" or in this case, "What are 5 things you're glad your mom did?"

Recently I had a getaway by myself for a week (unheard of, I know!) It was delicious. I went to see a long time friend that I rarely get to see, Christine. Chrissy, as I call her, is 2nd from the left in this childhood picture.

She is surrounded by her sisters Cecelia, Michelle and Lou Anne. We are highlighting their mom, Rita Laughlin.

Christine and I both used to live in Phoenix in the early 1990's, where we shared some FUN memories. She is high drama (the good kind), verbose, quick witted and is always game for whatever comes along. We've also known each other through some not-fun drama and difficult times. She inspires me with her faith that is SO real and very solid. She has one of the most inspiring relationships with God that I know.

I had just known her a short time when her mom passed away in 1992. I did get to meet her once. Christine tells such fun things that her mom did growing up. While I was enjoying my vacation at her house recently, spending time writing, I asked her if she would share a 5 Things story about her mom. So we sat down and I asked her to tell 5 things she's glad her mom did while raising her. Christine and her sisters grew up in Phoenix in the 1950's and 60's.

In her words:

1. The most important thing I think my mom did was to set an atmosphere in our home that God was real.  That He would meet us where we were. She taught us all how to pray. Saturday nights she would gather us all to pray. She was brought up Catholic. She understood talking directly to the Father. So she would gather us together to pray and ask God directly for what we needed, which was often food. My father left when I was very young. I never knew him. She taught us how to seek God, how He would care for us, and how He was real, in a very tangible way. That He could be referenced every day of week. She was baptized in the Holy Spirit when I was 14. She ran prayer meetings at our church (one of first women to do that). She gave us a strong understanding of who God was. That's the most valuable thing. Each of my sisters is still serving the Lord based on that heritage.

2. She taught us a strong sense of family, by what we did together, as in family activities. For holidays- she would go all out, with limited stuff we had. She sewed us each a new outfit for Easter. She put out every type of finery that she had to show us that God's days were to be handled in excellence. She made  treats that we weren't used to having. She went all out. At Christmas we would each get a present and some additional things. We were very low income but had no idea. We thought we had the finest of all, "most deluxe". She cared for us, cooked for us every day. We stood behind our chairs before dinner to pray then sat down. On special occasions in the spring, she would put the table outside and we would enjoy a dinner outside, just for a different fun atmosphere.

3. She read to us. A favorite memory is how she would put us to bed, then sit on stool in the hallway where my sisters and I in both bedrooms could see and hear her. There were 2 sisters in each of the 2 side by side bedrooms. She would read us the classics. (She didn't believe in TV per se). We would lay there in beds and just imagine all the words. She was gifted with language  skills and wit. It gave way to an understanding that imagination was everything. We believed we could do anything.

4. She emphasized eduacation. After we were grown, she went back to school for a degree, in her 50's, when she had more disposable income. She placed a huge emphasis on using all that God has given us to explore the world.

5. She gave us an appreciation for entertainment! On Saturday nights, it was big band music. She taught us to dance and sing. We had to come up with plays and skits to present to each other. My mother's father was a stage actor and her mother was a flapper. So she was into drama! I've come about it honestly! My sisters and I carried it on with our kids when  they were little. In fact I just had Misti perform a riverdance for me. (Her 30-something daughter) . She valued entertainment and arts. I see it in all of my sisters.

She had tremendous wit and intelligence...a brilliant woman, but she was also harsh at times and needed healing because she grew up in an orphanage for a time. My grandma, her mother, was super selfish- with the "star" situation she had going on. When my mom was young she contracted polio and her mom sent her to live in an orphanage for a few years. They did come get her a few years later.

She taught us community, responsibility for family, how we fit in. But the greatest thing - I would literally see her pray on her knees for food, and groceries would come. That was normal to me. Society back then did not have all we do now. Two parent families were normal, not our situation. People made fun but she provided a safe environment. We thought we lacked for nothing.

She made us go after God- literally by walking to church and catechism, in Phoenix! The priest was like Jesus to us. I remember his booming voice as my eyes peeped over the eye level pew. I was terrified and mesmerized. At Catechism they showed slides about Jesus, and after each slide was a beep. Jesus walked on water... BEEP! I was enthralled.

I can't imagine raising 4 girls, the fighting, by myself, and trying to believe God for food. How she held onto our house is a miracle I'll never know.

She never let us know we were about to lose the house or anything, if we were. At one point, for a year or so, she went through a depression  or breakdown when I was young. I just remember the house was dark. Normal would be lots of light and music playing. It was a short period. .

I don't remember ever coming home without a great meal on table. She loved to cook. When we got to high school, she taught us to cook and we took over.

She was a great mother and to me a great role model. It's why I'm "old school" now. Once she did allow tv, it was old movies and Bonanza. She was super strict on what she allowed in the house. We couldn't bring magazines or any new found things, it was heresy (said with a chuckle). I think it was because she understood it was God that got her through and she wanted to honor Him. When we purchased a gift for her, 80% of the time it was something religious because it so important to her.


In my opinion my mom had a lot of shortcomings, but she did what she was supposed to do, which was raise us up in the fear of the Lord and give us an understanding of Him. She gave us family, trust, community, safety and responsibility.

Anastasia's Mom- Her Perspective

Yesterday Anastasia told a story of growing up in many ways during her college experience, which she is now in her final year of. If you missed it, make sure and click on those pink words there and read her touching story.

The tragedy of her roommate passing away was something she never dreamed would happen.

If you missed that story, please go back and take a moment to soak in the words of Anastasia.

Today, Anastasia's mom Lucy shares her side of the story, receiving that phonecall, the shock and her response. Here's Lucy:

"From the time our children are born, our goal is to raise them to become independent, self-reliant adults. Ironically, when the day comes, we tend to pull back the reins.

I had so many different emotions as we moved Ana into her dorm. I felt excitement, anticipation, fear, pride. I was so proud of Ana for becoming the young woman that I had raised. She was ready for this moment, this life experience. I just knew she would do well. She would make lifelong friends and memories.

I wanted her to experience campus life. Even though we were only 45 minutes away, I wanted her to stay on campus during the weekends so that she could become a part of that community. It was hard, but I felt that it was best. I tried to give her space, but what I really wanted was to be a college chic all over again! I knew that wouldn’t go over well.

We spoke often and sent texts keeping each other informed of life’s daily happenings. Occasionally, she would come home and spend the night. I loved those times.

I will never forget the day Ana called me and I could barely understand her words through her sobbing.”What?”

She said it again, “Ariane died….”

Did I hear that right? “What?! When? What happened?”

My thoughts were reeling…this can’t be…we just saw her a couple of days ago when we dropped Ana off after a nice meal. We walked her to her room and Ariane was sitting on her bed studying. She stopped long enough to acknowledge us with her beautiful smile. She was her usual friendly self. She seemed fine.

I asked her again. I asked all the same questions over again thinking the answers would be different. It didn’t make sense.

“What can I do? Do you need me to come? How can I help?” I felt so helpless. I thought she needed me. I could have been there for her, but she was surrounded with people who loved her and who loved Arianne. They would support her.

I was glad that she came home that night to spend the night with us. I just hugged her and didn’t want to let go.

As hard as this year has been for Ana, I think it’s made her a stronger, wiser person. She sees life in a “real” way and knows life is short. I can’t protect her from that as hard as it is to see her hurting. She has become that loving, mature, God-strong woman independent , self-reliant, Christian young woman that I always hoped and prayed she’d become."

Anastasia shared the personal struggle she went through in dealing with the loss of her very close friend unexpectedly. Thank goodness she was surrounded by loving friends and family. I never met Ariane but know that she was an amazing and inspiring person, well loved by those around her. I pray for her family in what must still be so hard.

I thank Lucy and Anastasia both for sharing their story. Ana described how through hard times, good can still come. How people live without faith in God is beyond me. I know that there's nothing else that can hold us together during times as hard as the ones that Anastasia described. But He is there even then. And I know He is with Ariane's family.

We have the hope that even our eternal life is secure. Ariane just changed where she lives.

Sending Her Off to College...(boo hoo)

My what a year does! Last year at this time I was sad and emotional about moving our oldest out of the house and into college. Yes, I was giddy with excitement at the thought of her getting to experience all that I did at my Alma Mater, so it was with mixed emotions that we packed up.

This year is a breeze compared to last. But I know there are moms going through the "first time sending one off to college" right now. It's with those in mind that this blog was written.

My daughter only moved 20 minutes away. Some ladies sniffed at my melancholy thoughts by minimizing the transition I was going through. Yes, she was only 20 minutes away, but I maintain that we still entered "adult phase" of life. Her closeness in proximity didn't mean my mental and emotional transition into her adulthood didn't exist, or felt any less. (Well, maybe it would have been worse if it was hours away. I dunno, but I'm testimony that even 20 minutes away can be a tough transition.) Because I knew that I was letting go and changing seasons, whether it was 20 minutes or 20 hours.

I knew that she wouldn't be rushing home often, which was fine. I actually didn't want her to. I would have loved the visit, but I also didn't want her to come by much at first...make sense? Sure our family would have loved to see her sweet face every day, but when she reluctantly picked a college in town, part of the "sell" was that we'd pretend we didn't live here, in a half joking way. She needed to get away. To be on her own. It's totally healthy to want and have that "going away" experience as kids transition into adulthood. I knew I wasn't going to be talking to her every day anymore or have knowledge of, let alone input into, her daily life. I was okay with that, mentally. Common sense told me that was the next normal season of life. I had to let it happen and not try to hang on to the past season of life. For both of our benefits.

There is still the emotional side to get through. When I was sad, I shed the occasional tears, and then found my own way through it, without involving her. I chose to focus on the excitement of her new experiences, which I knew would be incredible. And I chose to focus on giving her needed space, knowing that after awhile, things would even out. (Or so my friends told me who had already been through this). I chose this. Doesn't mean it was always easy, but it was a choice, to press through to that next season. And not get stuck. There was one time I called and asked if she could swing by because everyone really missed her. She tells me now part of what she learned too that first year was about seasons of life.

I do remember not really knowing what to do- if or how much to call, to text, to tweet.  Knowing mine, I leaned to not doing much at all. I waited for her to call, or to text. There weren't a ton of calls at first, but quite a few texts with occasional news. That was a big transition because she was the TALKER at home, who talked and talked every day about everything. So really, I didn't know much about what was going on anymore on the day to day, comparatively speaking. But that's OKAY. (not really, if you want to hear whiney-mom's opinion. But I had to make the decision not to listen to my internal whiney-mom, for both our sakes). It was hard at times, and it was sad at times, but I prayed and asked God to help me switch seasons. And He did.

And yes, after time, it did all even out. She tells me now that I did the right thing by giving her space. Everyone said it would all be okay, just different. They're right. And communication normalized and eventually it all smoothed out. We even eventually, by the end of the year, turned into a hang out house for lots of fabulous young people. Woo hoo!

For the sake of all the moms out there not quite sure what to think or do after you drop your daughter off at college, I asked a few young ladies to share some of their experiences and advice to moms. These are girls who just completed their first year at school, away from home.  Each have different situations and personalities, so maybe it will benefit to hear a few opinions, since we know there are no absolute "right answers" for every case. They shared their thoughts with me, which I formed into a story from their perspective. I hope to have captured each accurately.

1. My mom and I are close and have always texted and talked a lot. When I moved into my own apartment, there would be a couple days that I didn't hear from her at all. I wondered if I'd offended her. It was weird not to talk to her. Actually my mom missed me a lot but was trying to give me space. The misunderstanding got settled with one simple conversation. I wanted to be on my own and be an adult, but still wanted to hear from her. Advice?  Moms can still feel the need to parent at this stage, but let them be an adult. You have parented, given tools  and been an authority for 18 years...you've prepared them, so now let them be an adult. (But we still want to talk to you).

2. My mom was very strict in high school, so I was surprised by how she treated me like such an adult when I left for college. Mom brought up the conversation that things are different now...you're in college and I remember how busy it was. She left it up to me to call home.  That was perfect. Don't call your daughter every day in college. We would go 4 days or so without talking in the beginning, with maybe short texts daily. Life was so busy, that sometimes I couldn't reply for awhile, but mom never freaked out. In contrast, I knew of other parents who called daily, and if they couldn't reach their daughter, they began calling me and other friends trying to make contact with their daughter. My mom was spontaneous and sometimes drove two hours to show up for an hour lunch then go home, which meant a lot to me. Sometimes my mom didn't have time to talk to me either the exact time I called, which was a little sad, but I realized she had a life that continued after I left, and that was good and okay. It was my mom that got me through many of the stresses of that first year. I could call her when there was a need or when I  had leisure time. I didn't feel demands from her. We enjoy a good relationship still. I appreciated the space given.

A friend of mine had an entirely different experience. I watched a friend not only feel pressure from schoolwork and changes, but also pressure from home to emotionally "take care of" her family. This friend felt a lot of stress and obligation to go home and to respond to phonecalls quickly and frequently. Because she cared, obviously she responded to the need. But her friends could see that it stressed her out and limited her experience of her freshman year greatly, even in studies.

3. My mom gave me lots of space. She didn't call a lot at first. I didn't think about it much, so what she did must have been fine. I called home to tell things, texted random things.  Advice? Let them have space and let your kid miss you. Yes call sometimes for sure, or if you have a bad feeling, but don't call everyday. I'm sure it's hard, but they'll eventually come back.

4. My guy friend at school had his mom call him twice a day, all the time. He planned his life around it. Everyone thought that was strange.  As far as me, I was never really homesick, was very independent. My parents let me live my life and thought "she'll call us". I realized that after two weeks and never calling they were kind of wondering about me... it was totally unintentional! I was so busy and having so much fun, I just didn't think about it, even though I missed them! So I had to find a balance to make time to make those phonecalls. And to pay attention and actually say I miss you. Texting is awesome, because I could respond more easily and quickly. Phonecalls often can't be done quickly, so I would wait until I had more time, which sometimes never happened. I eventually tried to call home once a week. Advice? Let the kids be the ones chasing you. But we do want texts, packages, letters, etc. to know you are thinking of us! (All of these girls said letters are great because they can read them at leisure anytime). And picture text messaging is awesome.

5. My mom called and texted a lot at first and it was hard for her to understand why I couldn't respond right away. But life was SO busy I literally would not have time. First semester was kind of hard to work out an understanding. Later into year we would go for a day or so not talking, and then it was almost weird to not talk to my mom because I always did. I wanted space, but I missed my mom calling when she didn't. It was kind of a journey to figure it out. It was kinda weird and hard. I wanted to know she was thinking of me and didn't want her to completely leave me alone, because she's my best friend and the first one I want to tell everything. But I also knew life was so busy I couldn't be available any time to talk. She eventually understood just how busy I was. We worked it out.

After all that?

I take it that we need to understand that they are on an entirely different schedule (one that only college students can  maintain it seems!) and that the hours that are free for them are usually hours that we are snoozing!

You know your daughter's tendencies and personality. Work around her needs, not yours. You're the adult and can work through the season. If you're struggling, find a friend to talk to. Pray. He helps us through things!

Your daughter is just now having a chance to get away, grow up and figure things out. A little space and natural. And needed. If she is the clingy or reluctant one, maybe helping her tough things out a bit will be needed. Each is different.

Are you worried she'll be lonely? Sometimes that's good for us. It'll help grow her up.

Worried she'll never call again? Odds are very low that that's true. It's a short season to get through, in light of the rest of your life.

Stay in contact, probably just not daily. Send those notes, letters, emails, texts, packages or tweets. Let her know you're thinking of her. Text her a funny picture.

Another brilliant thought from a friend of mine, don't stop the family traditions just because one person is missing. Keep life going on as normal as possible for everyone else still at home. Check on everybody else and see how they are doing with the transition too!

Perspective. One short season in a very long life, most likely full of great things to come.

I Broke Down Over "Love in the Wild"

Ugh. One of those days I gave up. Too emotionally tired to move on. One of those "mom give-up moments".

I walked in my daughter's room to find two of my kids huddled in bed with a laptop, so I simply inquired what they were watching. "Love in the Wild". Hmmm. Never heard of that one. So I asked about it. I guess something similar to The Bachelor, but held out in the wild. The great outdoors. Inwardly moaning, but not wanting to fight the battle, I leave.

Blasted online tv service. These kids know more than I can keep up with. I never even heard of the site that they are watching from, and it is one of my top goals to stay more informed than they are!

Unsettled feeling inside me, because we don't watch The Bachelor at my house. (Yes they have seen it with friends on occasion, but it's not regular, or viewed at my house. However, once they're on their own, they're on their own to view whatever they want. Just not at my house). Talk about teaching girls all the wrong ways to go about finding a man. It seems so desperate.

Many of my friends watch it and I'm not judging, this is just a personal decision. I understand some ladies get together and watch it just to make fun of it. That's like when my college roomie and I used to buy ice cream and lock ourselves in our dormroom to eat it all ourselves as we made fun of Miss America pageants (sorry pageant fans). It was an event. But the grown up me, and shows like The Bachelor, just don't mix. I just can't support it. My soap box. Now there's ANOTHER show like it? Great.

The oldest daughter I can't really say much to, she's pretty much on her own. But just because she's free doesn't mean I want the younger ones being "free" with her. We still watch over a large amount of what's ingested. Need to deal with it and don't want to. Ignore it some more. My mind is thinking, "What else are they watching?? What else don't I know?"

Finally I can't stand it. I wouldn't be me if I didn't check and follow through. Stinks to be the mom sometimes. I  look it up. Confirm online that it's same premise as The Bachelor. Couples take turns doing fun stuff during day followed by evenings of drinking, drama, hot tubs and snuggling in bed with guy of choice, followed by switching partners to do the same the next day.

Back to the room. Stick my head in door, girls look up, pause laptop, and knew what I was going to say before it came out of my mouth. They were quick to tell me "We're just watching one episode! There's a girl in it who isn't playing by the rules! She's actually showing some morals!" I still don't know if that part was true or not- but they knew that would get my interest.

I go into "You can't just watch anything you want without asking, if it's something you have a feeling I wouldn't like" mantra. While I'm saying it with my mouth, inside my head I'm thinking, "Am I too hard, am I too much, is it really a big deal, is the younger one old enough to decide on her own....followed by thoughts of no, this is a rotten role model of a show and I don't want it in my house infesting my kids' minds with false notions of life, but I'm just so tired of having to deal with endless things like this that I can't keep up with." Wondering if I'm even right. Frustrated with having conversations that cause more frustration between us. Don't know how to talk about it without us all being frustrated.

They groan, close the laptop and I leave, tired of the job of being a mom.

It's one of those days I just can't take the pressure. I go in my room to do laundry and make the bed and cry as I'm doing it. It was the straw that broke my back. How silly. What a small straw. It's a dumb show!! But on top of whatever else was going on that week, I couldn't handle it. I'd love to leave values aside sometimes and just keep peace. But I don't really want that either. What I really want is just for parenting to be easy.

Oh, and this happened the week I launched this blog for the first time.  So I'm crying, making my bed and thinking "I can't do this blog. Forget it. I don't even know what the H-E- double hockey sticks I'm doing half the time." Then in walks one daughter to find me crying over Love in the Wild. A funny moment. We're both kinda laughing over it, but I'm still at the end of my life purpose. It's all over. I don't want to try and help or support anyone in parenting, cuz I don't even want to be a parent right now either. Let's just let whatever happens happen, and see how it all turns out. I'm tired of being a mom.

Well, the only reason I'm here online is because daughter talked me into following through. She proceeded to tell me with a chuckle that the show is no big deal, and that I've done such a good job in making sure they know and understand how to view things, and they know it's not a good way to find a guy, and no one is auditioning for it (ha). That they are so solid in what they believe that watching this one show is not going to change them. True or not, I let it go. And why are you crying she asked? When I said "Because I don't want to do this silly blog I said I was gonna do cuz I don't know what the heck I'm doing either", she told me all the reasons I should do it.

So if you've enjoyed anything about this blog, thank my daughter. I decided to drop the issue of the show and leave it be. It's not an ongoing problem. Not a big deal. Go to sleep and start over the next day again. Restart!!

Looking back at that day, it's so funny to me what little it can take to push us over the edge sometimes! We chuckled through the event, and I am laughing about it now. My point in sharing this is not about the show, not about the right or wrong choices, but about how exhausting it can be to be a parent. That we're all in the same boat. We all have those moments, we work through them and move on! It can all be laughable in hindsight! So, for those who are worried about me, I'm okay. Just being real, sharing one of those moments that I'm sure we all have. Life goes on!

I know the endless issues of today's world, all the messages that come at them...so many things to monitor, deciding which to confront and which to let go. I live it too. And not perfectly at all. I know the frustrations and insecurities of not always knowing what to deal with and how to deal with it.

But here we are, mainly I suppose because I "get" the need for support and answers and knowledge of community- other moms living the same thing. Having always been one to go find the answer when I need it, I just want to share those findings with you.

Lots of books have been read, stories from many moms heard, I've watched the culture change over the years and have sought out ways to practically avoid potential pitfalls.

We all have different "triggers" too. I'm sure some of you don't care about The Bachelor or Love in the Wild. (actually small cares in light of everything). Maybe something bugs you that doesn't bother me. What's important is that you're sticking by what you believe in and want to get across to your kids.

My own soapbox is really thinking through media choices. One show might not be a big deal, but if you look at the culture overall, all of those shows together is creating an atmosphere that is showing our teens a way of life that is separate from any of the values I'm trying to teach. Media is slowly dumbing us down as a society. What we take in habitually affects the way we think, whether we believe it or not. Otherwise, why would advertisers spend boo coo bucks constantly showing us things to buy?

With that said, and while we're still following that mantra in our house, I try to live with understanding and balance and trust. Seeing the big picture. Laughing at myself. Trying to figure out what to stick with firmly.

And sometimes letting things go.


What silly unexplainable break down moment have you had??!