The 5 Biggest Challenges to American Teen Girls- Guest Blog

Jamie is the one in the picture who just graduated. I've had the privilege of getting to know her as she and my daughter have been friends at ORU. She has stayed at our house, spent a month in Africa with my daughter on missions, done Bible studies with us, helped with Girls 101, plenty of things. She has impressed me with her heart for God and what she's allowed Him to do in her life.

She would say she has changed a lot since her teenage days, and has let God into the difficult places, and let Him grow her up into the person she was made to be. She also has a blog where she shares some pretty profound thoughts, so you may want to follow her.

I wanted to ask her to answer a question I've had for girls who are still relatively close to teenage years. Things have changed so much since we were teens, and I have been curious to hear the thoughts of a few girls who can answer this question:

"What are the 5 biggest challenges to American teen girls?"

Jamie's answer:

That's a big question.

1. The pressure to grow up. I feel like a lot of girls just want to be "there" already. They want to wear makeup sooner and play outside less. They want to do what the older grades are doing because it looks cool and more fun.

2. Trying to figure out who you are. Girls want to be so unique but they also don't want to be the odd one out. Nobody ever wants to be the one on the outside of the circle, so I feel like a lot of girls give up things they like in order to be somebody that fits in. They want the likes on Instagram, Facebook, and in school.

3. Boys. They aren't as nice as they seem, and they aren't as mean as they seem. They're young, you're young. Girls want somebody to care about them, they want somebody to call theirs. They want that attention and I think a lot of stupid things happen because they're young and they don't understand the weight of their actions. It's honestly not a big deal to them at the time. Purity isn't really all that cool at that age.

4. Knowing who to be influenced by. Media is crazy today and girls see these beautiful pictures on Pinterest, Instagram, TV, music videos, wherever, and they see how cool that looks. They want their life to hold as much carefree, spontaneous and unique adventure as they see. They see how much fun it looks. Christian media hasn't done a spectacular job of being appealing in the media, and half of that is because we copy what the secular world is doing and slap a cheesy Bible verse on it. Girls don't want to be the odd one out, plain and simple. In the media, they don't see all these perfect girls missing out.

5. Partying. It's happening earlier and earlier and I think that's because of how easily it spreads. Through Snapchat, texting, and pictures that are posted online, girls see girls in the grades above them do it and they think it's okay because they weren't "the first ones". They want to have harmless fun. They hear the stories of their friends laughing for hours on end, or about how they don't remember taking this picture or walking to this place and a lot of girls want to be able to join in on those exclusive conversations.

The overall thing I keep going back to is acceptance. From friends, boys, the older grades, parents, etc.

My name is Jaime Bofferding and I'm graduating from Oral Roberts University with a Psychology degree and a business minor. I am passionate about people, media, and promoting Jesus in an authentic and real way. Check out my blog at: jaimebofferding.wordpress.com

Jamie would say that she has found answers to these challenges in her relationship with the Lord, and finding her identity, purpose and acceptance in Him. 

This is a helpful summary of what we can watch for as we guide tweens and teens into adulthood. Girls definitely feel the pressure of these things, and if we know what the problems are, we can be better equipped with some answers.

5 Things Story- Women in Their 70's and 80's Share Their Secrets

Today I'm super excited to have a guest blogger, Sharon Braner of SISTER CHAT blog. 

Sharon is a good friend of mine, a lady who is always in the middle of something. She leads awareness efforts about human trafficking, she's volunteered with me in Girls 101 workshops, she has a blog and a bookclub, and she spreads the word about a spectacular teen summer camp that her son Andy Braner runs- CAMP KIVU for teens. Whew!

I asked her to investigate and snoop around among her friends, and ask moms who have "finished" raising kids, "What are 5 Things you are glad you did?" Sometimes ladies who are mature in years think that their advice might be outdated for today's world, but I find that usually it's not. In fact, when I read their 5 things, I shouted YES! This fits exactly in today's world. Values are timeless. We'll let Sharon take it from here!

"5 Things Story

Yesterday I sat at a kitchen table with two older friends, one in her 70’s, the other 80.

We get together once in a while to share knitting patterns and problems, but after about the first 20 minutes the conversation always turns to current life issues each of us are facing. (I am SO blessed to have older friends that are a few years ahead of me in this life! Their wisdom is remarkable!)

I asked them, “What 5 things did YOU do as a mom that you are so glad you did?”

I literally watched their faces change as they silently moved back to the glory days of mothering their young. One has two grown sons, the other two grown daughters. Their children are kind, loving, strong adults and now raising children of their own.

Maybe time has erased the tension, worry and that huge feeling of responsibility young moms often battle, because now those two lovely ladies beamed in the joy of those memories of babies, toddlers, and teens.

(It’s ALWAYS good to know women that are still alive, upright, & functioning in the empty nest period of life. These two are just fine!!)

Their answers were a collaboration of sorts because they agreed on so much. Evidently their 5 elements are (or maybe WERE) just standard rules of “how to grow a child.”

Their thoughts: (not in any order of importance.)

1. READ : Start reading to the babies when they are BABIES! Read to them every day, make sure they see YOU reading, take toddlers to the library, have lots of books in the house, turn the TV off and READ. Cultivate the joy of reading. Read history, biographies, and FUN fiction.
2. FAMILY MEALS: Every night without fail. Even when harried schedules intervene “make a table.” Turn the TV off and SIT at the table. When it gets difficult, make the meal simple, but put it on the table and face each other. Family members get to know each other at the dinner table. (Phones in a basket by the door when family comes in, picked up only when leaving the building. No answering phones during dinner.)
3. RESPECT: Moms must model respect by treating every single human being with dignity. Treat children with respect, listen to them, and never speak in degrading or condescending tone. If disrespect by others is witnessed, take the opportunity to talk about it.
4. CONSEQUENCES: Every child must learn that bad decisions are followed by unhappy results. Time out, taking away a toy or privilege, etc. As hard as it is to want to protect them, learning consequences at home is far better than learning is from the principal, police, or the judge. Forego the temptation to be a drill sergeant but face issues one at a time with appropriate responses. Discipline quickly and love deeply.
5. FAITH: Take them to church always; making sure teens are involved in a great youth program. Pray aloud and often, read the Bible every day at some point. Talk about the character of God. Let them hear you praying for them and others. Teach them to think beyond themselves and their own needs. Be sure they learn they are not the center of the universe.

Well, I took a deep breath and realized that I’d failed in many of these areas, even though my sons survived and are happily functioning adults. I’m sure my friends failed from time to time as well. I suppose the lesson is to TRY to be consistent.

I worked hard at being a good mom and have been heard to say in years gone by, “If they amount to anything I’ll take all the credit, if they become serial killers I’ll take the blame.”

How foolish! As influential as parents are in their children’s lives, God is and must be the #1 parent.

THE most important ONE thing I’ve ever learned: God answers the prayers of mothers!"

5 Things Story- Remembering Rita Laughlin

We are overdue for another 5 Things Story!

5 Things Stories are stories from women I interview. They answer the question "What are 5 things you're glad you did as a mom?" or in this case, "What are 5 things you're glad your mom did?"

Recently I had a getaway by myself for a week (unheard of, I know!) It was delicious. I went to see a long time friend that I rarely get to see, Christine. Chrissy, as I call her, is 2nd from the left in this childhood picture.

She is surrounded by her sisters Cecelia, Michelle and Lou Anne. We are highlighting their mom, Rita Laughlin.

Christine and I both used to live in Phoenix in the early 1990's, where we shared some FUN memories. She is high drama (the good kind), verbose, quick witted and is always game for whatever comes along. We've also known each other through some not-fun drama and difficult times. She inspires me with her faith that is SO real and very solid. She has one of the most inspiring relationships with God that I know.

I had just known her a short time when her mom passed away in 1992. I did get to meet her once. Christine tells such fun things that her mom did growing up. While I was enjoying my vacation at her house recently, spending time writing, I asked her if she would share a 5 Things story about her mom. So we sat down and I asked her to tell 5 things she's glad her mom did while raising her. Christine and her sisters grew up in Phoenix in the 1950's and 60's.

In her words:

1. The most important thing I think my mom did was to set an atmosphere in our home that God was real.  That He would meet us where we were. She taught us all how to pray. Saturday nights she would gather us all to pray. She was brought up Catholic. She understood talking directly to the Father. So she would gather us together to pray and ask God directly for what we needed, which was often food. My father left when I was very young. I never knew him. She taught us how to seek God, how He would care for us, and how He was real, in a very tangible way. That He could be referenced every day of week. She was baptized in the Holy Spirit when I was 14. She ran prayer meetings at our church (one of first women to do that). She gave us a strong understanding of who God was. That's the most valuable thing. Each of my sisters is still serving the Lord based on that heritage.

2. She taught us a strong sense of family, by what we did together, as in family activities. For holidays- she would go all out, with limited stuff we had. She sewed us each a new outfit for Easter. She put out every type of finery that she had to show us that God's days were to be handled in excellence. She made  treats that we weren't used to having. She went all out. At Christmas we would each get a present and some additional things. We were very low income but had no idea. We thought we had the finest of all, "most deluxe". She cared for us, cooked for us every day. We stood behind our chairs before dinner to pray then sat down. On special occasions in the spring, she would put the table outside and we would enjoy a dinner outside, just for a different fun atmosphere.

3. She read to us. A favorite memory is how she would put us to bed, then sit on stool in the hallway where my sisters and I in both bedrooms could see and hear her. There were 2 sisters in each of the 2 side by side bedrooms. She would read us the classics. (She didn't believe in TV per se). We would lay there in beds and just imagine all the words. She was gifted with language  skills and wit. It gave way to an understanding that imagination was everything. We believed we could do anything.

4. She emphasized eduacation. After we were grown, she went back to school for a degree, in her 50's, when she had more disposable income. She placed a huge emphasis on using all that God has given us to explore the world.

5. She gave us an appreciation for entertainment! On Saturday nights, it was big band music. She taught us to dance and sing. We had to come up with plays and skits to present to each other. My mother's father was a stage actor and her mother was a flapper. So she was into drama! I've come about it honestly! My sisters and I carried it on with our kids when  they were little. In fact I just had Misti perform a riverdance for me. (Her 30-something daughter) . She valued entertainment and arts. I see it in all of my sisters.

She had tremendous wit and intelligence...a brilliant woman, but she was also harsh at times and needed healing because she grew up in an orphanage for a time. My grandma, her mother, was super selfish- with the "star" situation she had going on. When my mom was young she contracted polio and her mom sent her to live in an orphanage for a few years. They did come get her a few years later.

She taught us community, responsibility for family, how we fit in. But the greatest thing - I would literally see her pray on her knees for food, and groceries would come. That was normal to me. Society back then did not have all we do now. Two parent families were normal, not our situation. People made fun but she provided a safe environment. We thought we lacked for nothing.

She made us go after God- literally by walking to church and catechism, in Phoenix! The priest was like Jesus to us. I remember his booming voice as my eyes peeped over the eye level pew. I was terrified and mesmerized. At Catechism they showed slides about Jesus, and after each slide was a beep. Jesus walked on water... BEEP! I was enthralled.

I can't imagine raising 4 girls, the fighting, by myself, and trying to believe God for food. How she held onto our house is a miracle I'll never know.

She never let us know we were about to lose the house or anything, if we were. At one point, for a year or so, she went through a depression  or breakdown when I was young. I just remember the house was dark. Normal would be lots of light and music playing. It was a short period. .

I don't remember ever coming home without a great meal on table. She loved to cook. When we got to high school, she taught us to cook and we took over.

She was a great mother and to me a great role model. It's why I'm "old school" now. Once she did allow tv, it was old movies and Bonanza. She was super strict on what she allowed in the house. We couldn't bring magazines or any new found things, it was heresy (said with a chuckle). I think it was because she understood it was God that got her through and she wanted to honor Him. When we purchased a gift for her, 80% of the time it was something religious because it so important to her.


In my opinion my mom had a lot of shortcomings, but she did what she was supposed to do, which was raise us up in the fear of the Lord and give us an understanding of Him. She gave us family, trust, community, safety and responsibility.

Awkward Talk #3 - Living in a P o r n Culture

oh boy. where to start. this is a biggie.
this post will barely hit the tip of the iceburg, but it's a start.

This summer we are sharing 5 Awkward Talks to have with your children...talks that may not come up naturally in conversation...talks that one of you may be uncomfortable with. The first had to do with creepers and pedophiles. The second with helping your child know when it's important to share certain information with you.

Today is the big awkward topic of p o r n. It's so pervasive in our culture. Advertising, and even our entertainment are heavily influenced by p o r n.  In fact, we may even need to define p o r n to our kids. Drastic changes have happened so fast in the last 10 years, with access to technology, that what  used to be considered soft porn "back in the day"  may be "normal" to our kids now.  Do they even consider it p o r n? This doubt was confirmed as I asked teens...is it naked people? Almost naked people? What is it exactly? We need to define p o r n as we're talking to our kids, so let's go to www.dictionary.com.

P o r n is defined as "writings, photographs, etc., intended to cause sexual excitement". Wow. Interesting. That's broad.

Some might think, "Now where would my child actually see p o r n o g r a p h y?" Anywhere. Anytime. In your house. On their phone. On that laptop. On their friend's phone. On a tv show.

Now with internet, phone apps, You Tube, TV, movies etc, there's no sneaking needed. It used to be harder to access- you had to go to a store, buy a magazine and hide it. Apparently, (so I've heard), for quick thrills guys would sneak peeks at the underwear section of the Penney's catalog. Wouldn't we love to have those days back??

Now anyone in the house can easily access porn if they want, unless due diligence is paid by us parents. Even then, odds are it will happen. Heck, now you can even see soft p o r n if you read some news websites (which is why I wonder if some even realize that's the p o r n of yesterday). It's so normal now. Our younger kids have never been in anything BUT an oversexualized society, so they don't know any differently.

In the last few years our media culture has plummeted at an amazing rate and we are sliding fast and furious into an oversexualized p o r n i f i e d culture, where almost everything is sexualized. This is a dangerous breeding ground for all things toxic, with long term affects on us as people.  If we want to save our kids from addictive habits that can destroy themselves, their relationships and future families, we need to have this conversation. More than once.

Vicki Courtney, an author on raising teens, says in her blog in May 2012,

"A couple of weeks ago, I saw several articles in the news reporting the results of a parliamentary study in the UK that should serve as a wake-up call to parents in the U.S. When it comes to the number of children and teens viewing pornography, we’re not far behind our friends in the UK, so we’d be wise to consider their findings. Consider the following statistics:

• Four out of five 16-year-old boys and girls regularly access porn online.
• One in three ten-year-olds have seen explicit material.
• More than a quarter of young patients being treated at a leading private clinic are receiving help for a porn addiction.

Vicki quoted Dr. Mary Anne Layden, the co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Cognitive Therapy testified to the Senate in 2004 and called p o r n, the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.” She states, “The internet is a perfect drug delivery system because you are anonymous, aroused and have role models for these behaviors,” Layden said. “To have drug pumped into your house 24/7, free, and children know how to use it better than grown-ups know how to use it — it’s a perfect delivery system if we want to have a whole generation of young addicts who will never have the drug out of their mind.”

From the UK article that Vicky referred to, Why are we surprised kids are addicted to porn? That's the world they know, here is a quote from Sonia Poulton:


"Pornography is exactly what it says on the tin. It is not about loving relationships that are built on a foundation of respect and commitment but about a ‘wham bam, thank you mam’ approach to sexual gratification. To imagine it is anything more or less is delusional.

I am not an anti-porn campaigner. I don’t object to consenting adults viewing it - that’s their prerogative. Equally, it is not for me to tell people whether they should appear in porn films. I work on the basis that so long as they are willing participants - as opposed to abused and bullied into the roles - then it’s their human right to do what they wish with their bodies.

But that's where I draw the line. Making porn public - as society has - is not the same because people lose the right to choose whether they want to see it or not. It has been beamed at our children, from TV's and billboards, without their say so. They are now conditioned to see public sex and sexuality as a given.

So it is that we are now reaping the results of permitting sex to be all-pervasive and all-consuming. Porn is part of everyday lives, rather than something adults do in the privacy of their own homes, and our children are fighting a tide that tells them something is wrong with them unless they too also indulge."

(I may not be with her 100% on all of that, but I do agree with her overall premise- society is wrong to make it not a choice, especially for our kids). Some adults are going to choose to engage in it regardless, but should it be forced upon everyone, especially children?)

Countless images surround all of us in daily life. We can hardly avoid it, but instead we are forced to figure out how to deal with it. This article from http://www.tweenparent.com/ describes things so well, I encourage you to check it out. "Bringing Up Kids in a Porn Culture".  A quote from this article:

"People not immersed in pop culture tend to assume that what we see today is just more of the same stuff that previous generations grew up on. But what is different today is not only the hypersexualization of the image, but also the degree to which such images have overwhelmed and crowded out any alternative image of being female. Today's tidal wave of soft-core porn has normalized the porn-star look in everyday culture to such a degree that anything less looks dowdy, prim, and downright boring. Today a girl or young woman looking for an alternative to the hypersexualized look will quickly come to the grim realization that the only alternative to looking hot is to be invisible. And what girl wants to be invisible? Adolescence is about being noticed and the desire for visibility among one's peer group too often means conforming to the plasticized, formulaic and generic images that bombard us daily. We should see the porn culture as a bully that manipulates, coerces, and grooms girls into conformity by providing them with limited choices. This culture is slowly chipping away at girls' self esteem, stripping them of a sense of themselves as whole human beings, and providing them with an identity that glorifies sex and trivilizes every other human attribute."
Girls are affected by this porn culture by, without realizing it, by being sucked into slowly looking more and more like the sexualized "role models" and/or acting like them. Grade schoolers are concerned already about being "hot" and "sexy". Shoes and clothing keep looking more and more like stripper attire.
And who knew that prom party buses had stripper poles in them? That was a question I never knew to ask until it was too late. "Who will be there? Will there be alcohol? Will there be a stripper pole?" These are the things that I'm talking about that have suddenly become mainstream. Stripper poles used to be hidden- part of an adult world that was not considered as accepted or mainstream. Only certain types of people were there. Now thanks to many factors, almost every nice kid knows what a stripper pole is. And some dance on them now.

But I also  know plenty of girls who are relatively happy with their looks and how they fit in, without giving into the over sexualized look, so it is possible to live differently. I don't believe all girls feel dowdy if they don't look oversexualized. Some see it as refreshing to have a nice wholesome natural look. However, I don't know if any girls escape the effect completely. The obsession with looks, bodies, pressures to be "available" to guys, and to be hot and sexy permeates just about everyone, even if it's to a small degree.

Boys are affected even more by this problem, being the ones who view porn the most (though it is not just a boy problem. More and more popular entertainment is really just p o r n for women, in various forms.) Again from the TweenParent article:
"I regularly lecture to parents groups and they are appalled by the images that any 11 year old can feely access by typing Porn into Google. What often shocks them is the sheer level of brutality where sex is used to make hate, not love, to a woman's body. The feelings and emotions we normally associate with love...are missing, and in their place are those we normally associate with hate. It's images like these that are now commonplace all over the Internet and are shaping the way boys and men think about sex, relationships, and intimacy."

This is not the attitude we want our boys to have toward women, is it? I don't think any of us would want that, for girls OR boys. But it could be happening right under your nose. Is it?
It's important to ask. Ask direct questions. Point blank honest questions. Give your kids a chance to be honest without getting in trouble, just for the sake of getting to truth. If you discover p o r n has been an issue, talk about boundaries and consequences for future. If they are unmarred by p o r n so far, be thankful. Have a detailed conversation about why it isn't healthy for them, how to avoid it and what to do if/when p o r n comes up among friends. What is the escape route?

Vicki Courtney's suggestions are:

1. Put safety filters on your home computers and deactivate the web browser on your children’s handheld devices.
2. Help your children come up with an escape plan. (click on her link for details)
3. Educate your children about the long-term effects of viewing pornography.
4. Put it on your calendar to talk about this topic at least once every two months.
5. If you have a son, I highly recommend parents read the book, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by William Struthers.
PLEASE HAVE A FILTERING SYSTEM ON YOUR COMPUTER AT HOME! If you don't know how to add one, it is worth every penny it would cost to get someone in your house to do it for you. Even then, talk to them about all the other places they might see p o r n. Friends houses may not have filters on computers. Don't google just anything, it can be dangerous. Friends iphones have apps and internet availability even if your kid's phone doesn't.

LESSON LEARNED- (It is sketchy to even blog about this.) As I researched for this blog, I googled one word- a should be innocent word- and immediately saw more disgusting pictures than I ever have seen. In one second. And my computers are loaded with filtering systems for this reason. Please know that if I, an informed, careful, filtered, educated adult did this (while blogging about it), than your kids need to definitely be very careful what they google. Have a talk just about that if nothing else! As much as we love Google, it's not always our friend.

Now that my kids have confessed to me (just today) what they actually googled years ago after I had a sex talk with them, I especially caution you in this regard! They googled questions that needed clarification in their minds that they didn't want to ask me, though they knew they could have. Good heavens, that is not the way we want information clarified. lol! yikes! Thank goodness the internet was new enough back then maybe it wasn't as awful as now. Google stuff now and you may be in for a surprise. Currently, stats say that 12-25% of what is on the internet is p o r n.

I had this Awkward Talk with my own girls today. I asked each of them how much p o r n affected their circle of friends and acquaintances. Interestingly, it was all different. Some ran into the subject alot and some rarely. Some felt like most, if not all guys, are into it because of how they talk, jokes they make and references they use. Some knew of female use of p o r n. Some didn't know anyone affected by p o r n.  Some knew of a few girls and guys in their circle of friends sending and receiving naked text pictures. Some knew of guys looking at p o r n on phones in middle school years. We also got into the discussion of many teen girls reading 50 Shades of Grey. In regard to the circle of friends where it never comes up, we wondered is that because they really aren't into it (yay!), or are people into it but never admit or talk about it? (yikes).

We want to know which it is. What do you think?

I  recommend to parents to have random phone checks with your kids' phones. At random times,  take their phone, check it, look at pictures, apps, etc. Know their passwords. DO NOT assume your kid would "never do that". Check anyway. Sexting is becoming very common.
I came across this great quote of Danny Silk's of http://www.moralrevolution.com./ "Intimacy's counterfeit is addiction...it comes in the form of many things (alcohol, carbohydrates, porn, cigarettes, sugar, shopping, etc). It's an attempt to create intimacy through a relationship with an object. Addiction is welcome to people who can not get away from their pain, so they self medicate."
I had to explain to my girls that p o r n is addictive. No one plans to get addicted. Good people are addicted. Marriages fall apart because of p o r n. They know I'm hard core about filtering media intake because of the oversexualization of everything. (Someone might have admitted tonight that they are finally grateful, though my oversight "has always been annoying." YES! Who cares if we are annoying? Buy me a tshirt - Annoying Mom. I'll wear it.)

Teens are good observers. They see what isn't right. I've been told by babysitting teens that many young kids (I mean young) have their own computers, laptops, etc. and have been known to innocently google certain things, or try to watch certain music videos. One kid, either 6 or 9 years old, can't remember which, said "I'm not allowed to go on You Tube, so I just pull it up on Bing".

The parent thinks they are protecting the kid from videos they shouldn't see by disallowing YouTube, and meanwhile have no idea that the 6 year old has outsmarted them in wit and in technology.

We work hard to keep things pure over here. And for years I've prayed for my husband, my girls and my girls' future husbands to be kept from all of this stuff. We need people who can still be intimate and connected to a person, not people who can only be intimate and connected with a picture or a video.

Pornography destroys people. And relationships. And marriages.


Our kids are worth protecting.

Get educated. Ask the hard questions. For your kids' sake!

5 Awkward Talks to Have This Summer #1 - Pedophiles

If I see one more story of a teacher being inappropriate with students I may blow up. Is it weekly now? And often too close for comfort? Sometimes in my own city.

This has been on my mind, but this week I saw yet another story. A Teacher of the Year was found sexting nude photos to an 8th grade student where he taught band in a middle school. In Texas.

We have had  recent crazy stories here in our town, involving even elementary aged children. I know of real stories, more than I wish I knew, about people involving inappropriate actions. Not all of them ever went public. It is too common. I've even had to call a school and report a teacher for warning signs.

As serious as this is and as much as we want to protect our children, it's still an awkward subject to bring up in normal conversation. Especially at my kids ages, when they're coming and going and rarely all home at the same time. I can see it now, as they are running out the door for work, "Oh and beware!! If anyone tries to touch you inappropriately, don't let them!" Seriously, when does it fit in??

Is it good dinner conversation? Maybe. Whenever you can fit it in I suppose. Bedtime? Sure. Sometimes I use news stories as a good way to bring up talks. With Sandusky back in the news allegedly having written creepy letters to his victims, maybe that's a way to bring it up. Use this blog as an excuse.

And how do we stop this from happening to our kids? By having the awkward conversation.

I had an idea. I have 5 Awkward Talks that should be had with your kids,  the level of intensity depending on their ages of course. What if we do this together this summer?

Over the course of 5 weeks this summer, I'll post a blog about an awkward topic. Then within the week, find a time to have a discussion with your kids about it. And share feedback.

By awkward, I mean this. For some, it will be very hard to talk about the subject. For some it will be no big deal, but for the subjects coming, frequency and reminders are always good. These are things that just don't have an easy entry point in day to day conversations. 

Your kids may moan and look at you like this.

YOU may moan and look at them like this. But do it anyway.

So today we are going to talk about pedophiles. Or creepers, as our kids would say. The problem is, sometimes pedophiles don't always come across as creepy. But eventually, they will DO something creepy. Let's talk about it.

This last spring, I attended a workshop held by E.A.P.C. Empowering Adults, Protecting Children. The statistic the presentation starts with is this startling one:

1 in 4 girls and 1 in 9 boyswill be molested by the time they are 18.

90% of molesters are known and trusted by the families of their victims.

As an advocate for youth (I just declared myself that this year. Isn't it a fancy title?), I attended this just to be informed and to be able to see warning signs, because I'm tired of stories in the news like I mentioned.

Keeping Them Safe

E.A.P.C. sells a small book, Keeping Them Safe, describing warning signs and more at the link. You may want to pick up a copy.

Here are highlights: (all quotes are from Keeping Them Safe)

- Teach your children proper body part names, not just nicknames. Why? "Potential molesters know that the mere fact that children know the proper names of private body parts is an indication of the level of communication they maintain with their parents. This is a red flag to a potential molester. He or she is more likely to steer clear of a child with that level of communication freedom with parents or guardians."

- Just like we have safety rules for all other areas such as knives, scissors and ovens, have Touching Rules.  "No one is allowed to touch your private body parts (parts of the body covered by a bathing suit) except to keep you clean and healthy (as in a doctor). Very few people have permission to do this and only when your parents say it is okay". If ANYONE, even someone you know and trust, touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, scared or confused, you should: say no or words that mean no, get away as quickly as possible, tell another trusted adult what happened, even if the person tells you not to tell."

- Predators will approach your child with something they can relate to- a lost dog, candy, etc. Anything to pull them away from safety by choice. Tell your kids that whenever they are alone and someone asks for help, don't help them. It's okay to appear rude or mean sometimes. It's not okay to help a stranger. Go get an adult to help them.

-Have a family code word for emergencies. If children aren't with you when something uncomfortable happens to them, have them call or text and use the secret word or phrase that you've chosen. Then you will know they are in trouble.

-Molesters often give gifts to their victims.  This is so true. True in many of the news stories of serial molesters, gifts are almost always a part. Even with older teens or college aged boys- if an older adult is giving you lots of gifts for no reason, be suspicious.

-The yucky part is that molesters always have a "grooming period". This includes manipulation, deceit and bribery. This can leave the victim feeling confused. For example, a man may offer a young teen boy a beer, knowing that the boy will be less likely to tell his mom of any inappropriate acts, because then he'd get in trouble for having a beer too, which he knows is clearly wrong. They will always say not to tell, and threaten the child that no one will believe them if they do tell.

- Keeping Them Safe has a chapter on good babysitter rules and guidelines too. Baths or showers should not be given by babysitter without your prior permission.

Listen to your children if they say someone is creepy. Believe them.
Show up, introduce yourself, make yourself known around other adults. Predators say they are less likely to approach a child if the adult has made themself known.

I've also heard from friends who do speaking on this subject, that often faith based kids are targeted. The reason? They are less likely to talk about sex openly, therefore less likely to report it, or be comfortable talking to an adult about it. And they are also taught to be nice and respectful, so maybe they'll have a harder time stopping the perpetrator.

Be open, let them know you can talk about anything, be brief and don't make it a lecture.

SUMMARY- (mine, not E.A.P.C.)

1. If someone makes you feel creepy, stay away. Don't be alone with them. EVEN if this is an uncle or a  coach or teacher or stepmom.
2. No adult should want to touch you, or ask for a massage, or rub your shoulders if you are one on one. If you feel weird, it is. Someone you don't know well shouldn't even try to be alone with you.
3.  IT'S OKAY TO BE RUDE AND SAY "STOP IT, that makes me feel weird".
4. My personal thing is, I don't want teachers or coaches to have cell phone numbers of my girls. If they can only communicate through text messages, they can text me and I'll pass the info along.
5. If you think it's weird but aren't sure. IT IS. Listen to your gut. You're right.
6. The ones who do tell are the brave ones that help end harmfulness to kids.

If they say someone has been inappropriate to them?

According to Keeping Them Safe: "Don't panic or show shock, remain as calm as you can. Express your belief in them. Let them know it's not their fault and that telling was the right thing to do. Report to the authorities immediately. It is your job to listen and support the child, not to investigate the allegations. Tell your child what happens next, be honest. You are calling authorities and someone will be investigating."

It has to be stopped for the safety of all kids.

Also be aware that most schools have anonymous Help Lines that you can call anonymously to leave tips- whether you know of a student who has been harmed, or if you suspect a teacher is a predator.

No one likes to be the one who tells, but for the sake of everyone, we have to. It's the right thing to do.

Now, go have this conversation. Some time this week.

For Better Teen Years, Start When They're Little

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The teen years aren't ever a breeze, but they can be pretty darn good if some character traits are in place from a young age. The effort you put in when they are young can help build smoother teen years. Of course it won't solve all potential problems that will come along, but will just make them easier to deal with then.

The best tip is leading by loving relationship of course, that is assumed. But here are just a few other thoughts.

1. Develop absolute respect for you and others early on. The more respect you can get in place when they are young, the easier their teen years will be for both of you.

2. Develop self control and imagination at a young age. Daily, make sure they spend a few minutes alone in creative play without use of technology. (Be very careful how soon you give them the freedoms of phones, internet and social media. Make sure those two things are in place first, self control and imagination).

3. Develop thoughtfulness toward others and awareness of their world. Empathy and perspective are powerful.

4. Help them understand and experience the power of waiting, being patient and not receiving everything they want immediately.

5. Develop the knowledge that they are loved and taken care of but the world doesn't revolve around them. They have to know how to exist without being the center of attention. They are an important part of a bigger picture. They are one part of a bigger family.


Of course how you present each of these ideas will look differently at each wonderful age and stage, but they are guiding principles that are valuable to hold up as standards.

Don't you just want to squeeze that little baby in the picture??

Ideas for Young Ones- Room Time Play Time



"Shout out to mom for room time play time!"

Recent words I never thought I'd hear.

Room Time Play Time.  That phrase evolved when my girls were young and I needed a break from momming, so I sent them to their room to play by themselves each day for a period of time. They had to play alone in their room for maybe 30 minutes.

I think it might've been selfishly motivated, as a mom needing a break, but it was also evident to me that alone play time was good for them. The self control, the creativity and imagination, the peacefulness that it would help build were worthy pursuits, but at the time the break it gave me was my favorite byproduct. Looking back years later, my favorite byproduct is their ability to be alone, creative and imaginative.

At the time they didn't like it usually, so I tried to make it sound fun and exciting, "It's room time play time!!"  At certain stages and ages, a gate was even put up at the opened door so the little one couldn't get out. I wish I could find the pictures I know exist, of one of my girls hanging on the gate crying, begging to come out. Other times, they happily played.

Cries acknowledged, they would be reminded room time play time didn't end until they spent some quiet play time alone. Tears always soon ended and once play occured for a short time, they were let out and I felt a bit better. It wasn't like there was no bread or water...nothing like that. Though kids sometimes feel tortured, doesn't mean they actually are. :)

Of course the only pictures I could find are cute ones. Crying ones of actual room time play time do exist and I would show you if I could find them. Promise!

When mine were little, much of the current technology didn't exist, just noisy toys and music, which they used if desired.  It wasn't a time for watching movies or tv, but creative play. This is still a need in today's world, and even more so.  A half hour breakaway from technology can't harm them, but would instead have long lasting benefits.

Keep some toys that are only for this special time!

Soooo cute.......

Love the green socks and backwards sparkly shoe combo

So why did this come up recently? We had an outing, left phones at home (mean mom), and spent some time crafting outside. I heard one daughter say, "Shout out to mom for room time play time!"


After shock subsided, of course I had to ask what motivated her declaration. Here's her answer: "It was good because we were forced to be creative and now I greatly appreciate my creativity. Kids don't know how to be creative anymore." (love the use of word "forced"...but it's true I suppose!)

Well it only took a decade and a half, but Room Time Play Time has now been appreciated! (claps and cheers!!)

Days are long for moms of young ones! This is just one simple idea to implement to help both of you. It takes a little gumption to get through the initial protests, but persist and it will pay off.

Summer Ideas- "Notebooking"

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Summer is here. We love summer. Late nights followed by no early alarm clocks makes for good times.

I took some time off of blogging the last week or two, in order to soak in the last week of quiet mornings with no one home, before school ended.  I spent some time in quiet, off of my phone, computer and social media. It was a planned period of time to quiet all the voices in my head, so I could hear my own. And mainly, to focus on the still small voice of the Lord.

Though I love talking with people, reading my Facebook newsfeed, and also keeping up with my daily intake of online research, I must say that putting all of that aside for a few days gave me a much clearer mind.

In a world that offers so much fun and tempting "clutter", it's nice to get away occasionally and give our minds a rest. It's rejuvenating. And hopefully not a lost art. 

In a way it seems we may lose some aspects of creativity by constantly feeding ourselves information. By pulling away and being alone with our thoughts, true creativity and imagination is fueled.

This is something I have attempted to pass on to my girls....the need to put things down, to be able to be alone and think and create. That was a lot easier just a few short years ago before all the new distractions we have in our culture today. But it's still an attempt. And a need.

When children are little and require so much oversight,  it's tempting to just put them in front of a movie or videogame in order to catch a break. While I did that too, and it's fine for periods of time, just having a couple of creative ways for kids to spend some quality time alone is helpful.

Today's idea will break up the long summer days, give you a short break and also feed your childrens' minds and imaginations at the same time.

When my girls were little, I heard an idea from someone (wish I could remember who), loved it and ran with it! We called it "Notebooking". For some reason, we only did it in the summertime, but it's one of those things I'm so glad we did.

Before I explain, understand that my girls didn't necessarily love it at the time. It was sometimes met with groans yet sometimes with eagerness too, depending on age and mood.

The idea? Each girl got a blank three ring binder, full of notebook paper. Usually the kind with a little plastic cover over the front- that way they could decorate the cover by sliding a piece of paper in there.

When it was Notebooking time, they had to spend 30 minutes doing absolutely anything. There were no rules. Just fill it up with something that interests you. One day, hopefully, I will find their notebooks in storage and post pictures.  This could be done with any age, I know my youngest was quite young, very young. She may have just drawn, I can't remember.

I asked my girls the other day if they remembered Notebooking and they all said yes. I asked if they remembered anything they did in the notebook. (this was a good decade ago!)

One daughter wrote her own version of the "first episode" of Full House, their favorite tv show. Because Full House never explained why the mom of the family wasn't alive, she wrote an episode explaining what happened to the mom.

During one gloomy time, when Notebooking didn't sound fun, my daughter sat in her room (maybe 4 or 5 yrs old at the time??) and wrote a song called "My Room Blues". She didn't want to notebook that day, but was forced, and wrote song lyrics about it.
What's awesome about that and so funny is that she grew up to really write songs, so we joke that My Room Blues was her first song.

They spent time writing and drawing, collecting leaves and glueing them in the notebook and other things I can't recall.

I do know that they were forced to think and imagine and come up with an interest. This is an awesome activity to start when children are young, even 2 years old! They will have to look within themselves to come up with an idea, then let their imagination run wild and let them create.

Only rule (and it's for mom) - don't correct anything- there's no right or wrong.

It's fun to see what they come up with!

Toddlerhood & Elementary Years

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Those early years...they are immeasurably fun, and yet can be incredibly hard at times too.

Yesterday we introduced the Mom's Panel with the help of my friend Sharita.

Our panel has a blast traveling around and sharing with moms of all ages and we are honored to be a part of encouraging them in their journeys of motherhood.

As I said yesterday, in our 40 minute talk, Sharita covers her "best things she's learned about momming through the toddler years".

She and her hubster have a precious son Jackson, 5, who is lover of all things Captain America, LittleBigPlanet and basically anything boy. I have seen her in the midst of her mom-ness and I can attest she is a great one. What I love about her style is how she has Jackson think through issues and she also has him repeat words back to her for reinforcement. She's a good mom.

Before telling our tips, here is a disclaimer: As we always say on the panel as we share, it's easy to sit up there and talk about these lessons (or write them out here so easily), but the lessons came with years of struggle, fatigue, exhaustion, perseverence, effort, wanting to quit yet starting over, again and again. None of these were accomplished or learned overnight by any stretch! And some still get worked on.
Here's a few nuggets from her 10 things she shares to encourage other moms in the TODDLER stage:

1.  I keep relationship with hubster at the center...the main focus. Jackson joined our world that was already in motion. He isn't the center, but a welcome member.

2.  Consistency, consistency, consistency especially in discipline. It's easier to let things go, but we can't. Never discipline in anger. Deal with the heart issue and discipline with a loving heart. Never inflict shame and guilt. Reinforce love after discipline.

3. Playing with my child is super important (outside, inside, in the dirt, with sticks and mud) We play what he wants, on his level. I also make sure he has time to play alone as well, to stimulate creativity, imagination and reflection.

4. My own priorities have to shift for the greater good of my family.

5. 3 words: first time obedience. This is something we are always working on.


Next in line on the panel is myself. Now my girls are all teenagers, but I happily share about the elementary years for this panel. Why? Because I have come to realize that much of teen success depends a lot on what happens in the elementary years. So here are some tidbits I've looked back on and been glad we did in the ELEMENTARY years:

1. The importance of teaching respect as the foundation for life. Being respectful to parents and other adults was required. They'll have to answer to someone their entire lives. Having respect in place will make life much easier for them.

2. It's worth any sacrifices made in order to be available to enjoy life with them.

3. It's ok to say no to them and they will survive. Even if they are "the only one who can't or don't have one".

4. As a parent, it's important to say no to your own adult peer pressure. We all still face peer pressure, in the form of "all the other parents let their kids" or "Nobody else's parents care or check". Just like our kids, we have to be strong enough to stand up for our own convictions, even when others don't agree. If we constantly cave, we are modeling "caving in" to our children. If we stand up for convictions, that's what we are modeling to them.

5. Use the term age appropriateness to decide when to let freedoms be granted. Sometimes kids ask to have or do things that there's nothing wrong with- so instead of saying a fast yes, or an absolute no, think of it in terms of "is it age appropriate"? They have a lot of years to get through, and it's best to spread freedoms out. Instead of no, it can be "not yet, but in a year or so that might be ok."

Helping Your Daughter Choose Good Friends

Just in case you hadn't heard already, last week was our first Community Workshop for girls, aka Girls 101

What a fun time we had. Many more opportunities to come, Girls 101 is just getting started!

(yes my name tag is on my skin, it wouldn't stick to my clothes)

Day one of Friendship Camp was approached by 15 fourth and fifth grade girls (most of whom didn't know each other) with the hope of fun, the slight awkwardness of not knowing people, and with a little relief that there was something to do INSIDE during the deluge of rain we received over Spring Break.

Our very brave very first volunteer got to get COVERED UP. Because there was a room full of girls that don't know each other, we wrote down thoughts that we think but don't say out loud....judgements or opinions we make at times without truly knowing someone. Ex. I don't need any more friends, I'm too shy to say anything, you look like you already know people, I think I'm cooler than you, you go to that other rival school, you look funny, etc etc. Some of the feelings are valid and we learn to work past them, but many are unfair judgments against people that blind us from new friends and opportunities!

The girls had to decide which thoughts to leave at the door! Well mission accomplished, because by lunch girls who had just met were laughing and talking it up!

As the girls spent time getting to know one another, a lengthy discussion was based around what qualities we enjoy in friends, as well as what types of things cause friction in friendships.

An object lesson involved writing down the positive and negative traits on individual circles and gluing them on a silhouette of a person. The good traits went inside, and the negative traits went outside. 

We discussed how everyone makes mistakes (and will at times do things on the outer parts!) so friends have to be open to talking through and forgiving each other. But also, if we are hanging out with a friend that does mostly negative all of the time, that sometimes we have to rethink if that is a good friendship.  Are we constantly disappointed or in conflict with a friend, or is it just occasional? Can you usually work it out together or does it just get worse?

Then the biggest question is, where do we ourselves fit? Am I mostly exhibiting the good character traits? Do I try and make the negative traits minimal? And then, where do my friends fit?

We are not judging people, but learning how to choose good relationships based on what makes healthy friendships.  All make mistakes and we must learn to discuss and forgive.

But we do have a choice of who to spend large amounts of time with and who to invest our lives in.

Who we hang out with determines much of who we become!

Discussion Starter:

Draw a big circle. What's important to you in a friendship? Think about your favorite friends. Name 5 reasons why they make a good friend and write those inside of the circle.

Now try and name 5 things that girls do that make friendships difficult- traits that girls have that make you not want to be friends with them.  Write those 5 negative traits outside of the circle.

As you look at your picture, where do you fit most of the time? Where do your friends fit most of the time?

Do you understand that everyone makes mistakes, but hopefully the majority of our behavior is positive.

To Grind or not to Grind

It's funny. Same day I said on Facebook that I'd love to blog current parenting issues, but I won't for sake of my kid's privacy, this happened!!

Me to daughter-"So I saw the paper asking parents to help with winter formal!"

Daughter- "yeah."

Me- "So I actually get to? Yay!" (in excited voice. It's a hard thing to ever get your foot in the door at our huge public school)

Daughter- (serious tone) "You can help with the decorating. Just please don't chaperone."

Me- (in defensive disappointed questioning shocked voice) "What?! Why!?"

Daughter- "Cuz people will probably be grinding and you'll tell them to stop (in flat knowing tone)".

(She knows I would LOVE the opportunity.)

Me- "Well aren't the chaperones SUPPOSED to tell them to stop grinding?"

Daughter- "Yes. I just don't want you to be the one telling them to stop grinding."

Me- "Can I post this?" (finding humor at the subject matter and how many times we're saying grinding).

Daughter- "Yes. (surprisingly emphatic). You can do whatever you want with this, as long as you're not there." 

(respectfully said).

Me- (getting excited) "Really?!!"

Daughter- "yes".

Me- "woo hoooooo!!!" (as I started to remember one of my favorite Pinterest pictures I hadn't used yet. (see above)

This is probably more fun than chaperoning anyway.

Let's talk about grinding!

So remember back to when you were little and you always felt old?! In the know? Looking back, now you realize how young you were at the time? You felt so old, but were 10. Now if you looked at a 10 yr old you would realize they're just a kid.

Picture a 12 year old. Now picture them grinding. L.O.L. Isn't it just wrong? But they're doing it and talking about it and thinking they are waaaaayyyy cool! Well not everyone's doing it. I know that, but a whole lot are!!! And what 12 year old honestly knows anything about grinding? (if my kids are reading this they have now passed out on the floor in horror.) It's just silly.

Now as they get older, they unfortunately might know what they're doing, but good heavens. Does everyone realize what they look like out there on the dance floor? Or does anyone really want to see this?

This whole concept of grinding would be kind of funny if it wasn't so sad. And disturbing. Sorry, but I feel like all self respect has been taken.

Come on, get some respect or get a room. Is that too harsh? It's how I feel. 

To make it even weirder, there's a study out of "Who is more likely to initiate grinding on the Dance Floor in college? Girls or boys?"

The answer? Boys.

Is that upsetting to you? Some people are upset by it, but not because of anything sexual, but because it's a double standard. Girls should be able to initiate grinding too. Hmmm.

Now I have no idea of the nice man's opinion who posted this article. He didn't give his opinion, just merely referred to the study.

So my question is, who is most likely to initiate grinding in Middle School?

I'd rather not know.