Christmas Then and Now- Sharon's Story

Meet my friend Sharon. Sharon is the one I spoke of yesterday that shares the message that causes a ruckus on our Mom's Panel. Miss that one? Catch up right here----> HERE

Today she shares a story of her Christmases through the years, from her childhood, through adulthood as a mom, and now how it looks during the "grandma" years. You can follow her humorous and inspirational blog at Sister Chat. She's always up to something, so it's a good read!

CHRISTMAS THEN AND NOW!

Everybody’s story of their family of origin is different.  It took me a while to discover that the Norman Rockwell scenes were FICTION!  After that revelation I was a much happier person.  Evidently even as a child, I’d been comparing my life with what I THOUGHT my friend’s lives were like and of course I came up short, especially at the holidays. (Only as an adult have I come to realize that all families struggle with something and perfectionism is a curse.)

My mother died when I was 11 months old, my sister was 3.  Our alcoholic father placed us in the care of our maternal grandparents and a bachelor uncle.  We were poorer than church mice but didn’t know it at the time!

Our Christmas celebrations and decorations were FAB.  At least I thought so, it’s all I knew.  They consisted of a ragged cedar tree that my uncle cut and brought in from the woods near our small town and some red and green crepe paper, twisted and taped to the ceiling corners of our very small living room. The tree was covered with those terrible silver string “icicles” and a plastic red and white star that I still treasure.  My sister and I had red “swirl” skirts and a piano!  We practiced “Drummer Boy” and “O Holy Night” for weeks for our “Christmas Program” which we and whatever cousins we could wrangle into the performance would deliver.  Our audience would be our grandparents, show time was immediately BEFORE opening presents on Christmas Eve.

Early Christmas Eve evening, the married uncles would bring their wives and many children to our home and absolutely FILL that tiny house.  After we kiddos sang a song or two, after each person opened ONE gift, the adults would crowd into the kitchen for pie. Granny had spent the day baking all kinds; chocolate cream covered with meringue was my favorite.  That party usually lasted a couple of hours. On Christmas Morning we opened ONE very small gift from Santa, checked out the hard Christmas candy (usually stuck to the inside toe of the stocking) examined the ONE huge orange in our stocking and ate turkey dinner.  It was great!  It’s all we knew and it was enough.

Our Christmas celebrations have since magnified ten-fold. 

I learned from my days in 4-H how to set a table and bake Christmas goodies. After marriage and two boys arrived, our Christmas celebrations grew and were refined to say the least.  We began to party the whole month of December. My mother-in-law taught me how to cook a turkey, sweet potatoes and cheese peas! I had an older woman friend in every city we’ve lived and each shared tips and recipes.   My time spent teaching the Bible to adults gave me the depth of the absolute miracle of Christmas.  I studied Southern Living magazine, took Christmas tours, watched my friends, and yes, looked at Norman Rockwell type paintings. I copied every good idea I saw and so our decorations, food, and celebrations became a hodge podge of everything. Pictures prove that Christmas was often “over the top.” 

Sending out Christmas cards continues to be a favorite activity as I thank God for each person on my list, remember times we’ve spent together and pray for each one and their family.  I’m going to dread the day when hard-copy Christmas cards go out of fashion!

We incorporated stockings filled with toys, a mound of gifts for each boy, lights on the house, music, church services, gathering gifts and taking them to the underprivileged, two trees in the house, Snow Village set-ups, a blow-up Santa riding in an airplane, many children’s Christmas books, kids parties, adult parties, church parties, clothespin cookies, and yes, CHOCOLATE PIE.  

Often the Christmas morning activities would begin very early, one year it was 2 a.m.  Whoever woke up first was the signal for the party to start!

One year when our oldest was three, he was invited to speak at our church and he recited from memory all of Luke 2.  I’d drawn pictures of the story on butcher paper to help him grasp the details.   

Now the “boys” are grown and have many children of their own. And we make NEW Christmas traditions. We visit them bearing gifts (usually not on THE day) and “fit into” their wives and in-laws plans.  We go to church with them, sledding, shopping or whatever they want to do.  It’s fun to watch them make their own memories with their children. 

We spoil the grandchildren terribly and are forming new traditions with them. (Making homemade noodles, taking a light tour, unwrapping gifts on a “pretend” Christmas morning.)  And we try to find time to go back to the “family of origin” and take the trip down memory lane.

I think I’ll go make a chocolate pie!

When's It Ever Gonna Be My Turn?

Over lunch and a cup of hot tea, once again my mind was provoked by a friend who always makes me think. This particular subject was about the holidays.

She told me about a conversation she had with a young relative. This young mom admitted to my friend some frustrations with holidays, extended family plans and pressures she felt to make everyone happy. She said to my friend, "When is it ever gonna be my turn?"

My friend, surprised a bit, said "But it is your turn". This hit her relative with surprise, as brand new thoughts burst forth.

Now back track with me to a post from last year. I shared last year about a Mom's Panel that I take part in. Six moms share 5 minutes about their stage in life, so in 30 minutes the listener has heard highlights of lessons learned in parenting each stage from toddlers to empty-nesting.

During one particular 5 minute segment, the one that covers the phase of life where your own children are married with children, our panel discovered an intriguing phenomenon. No matter where we were, what church we were in, even in other states, the reaction from the audience of women during her segment was the same. Stankface. (That's what a couple of us on the panel eventually named it). What did she say that was so offensive?

Sharon's offending words to fellow grandmas (offered with a smiling face and great humor)- "I've learned to allow my married children to form their own new holiday traditions and in the process make some new ones of my own and be happy about it. Sharing my children and grandchildren with "those other people" at holidays is a good thing but must be learned with gracious cooperation."

As she shares this hard word with grandmas, they don't like it. There is a generalized "stankface" that sweeps across the room, laughter subsides and a bit of thick air permeates as she shares her medicine with a spoonful of humored sugar. We realized how pervasive this problem is and how delicate the feelings are as we watched reactions over and over among diverse groups of women. Strangely, the younger in the crowds always look happy.

My lunch and tea friend shared that her grown kids have not been to her house for Christmas in 10 years. I asked her if she's ok with that. She wasn't for awhile, but decided to be. She's now happy she always has an invitation to one of her children's homes for the holidays. Perspective. She says, "It's their turn". She also said she only knows of one or two other friends who are also grandmas who have made peace with that. "What do the others do?" I asked. "Manipulate, whine, moan, wring their hands, coerce..." A great basis for happy holidays. (Not!)

Since this conversation, I have observed two items in the media relating to this. One is a radio commercial featuring a grandma who brags about all the up to date technology her house offers so that she's the "favorite grandma" to visit at the holidays.

Another really funny Facebook post I saw is this:

"An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her", and he hangs up. Now the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, do you hear me?!" and she hangs up. The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

No one pretends this is an easy time of life. I can well imagine it's not. But I think of my friend's perspective of becoming okay with the new phase and how much easier and happier the holidays would be if others could do the same. She had "her turn" as she raised her kids and did Christmas as she and her husband wanted. Now her kids are grown and she says they need to do things in a way that's best for their families. It's their turn. Can we think of it as taking turns?

I think of her relative she talked to, the young mom who was stressing over doing what everyone else wanted and putting down her own desires for her young family. It should be her turn. What if she spends all her time as her kids grow up doing what everyone else wants, then her kids leave. Did she miss her turn?

The simple concept of "taking turns" that we teach our toddlers, turns into a lesson we don't want to do ourselves, in later years. Do we regress to fighting for our own way, not wanting to share, this time in ways that are more "dressed up" than the biting, pulling, grabbing and screaming of two year olds?

My friend who served me tea that day said it's not easy. But it's right. It makes life work.

Holidays can be hard in some ways. But many families work it all out with no problem. Take turns with location, all happily gather in one place, compromise, celebrate a different date, etc. Even as you are in the "take your own turn" stage, it's good to be aware and flexible and occasionally do something different that accomodates others. But if you think about all the families who have family at a distance, or multiple families to visit because of divorce and remarriage, things get quite complex. And stressful.

But freedom gives room. Enjoying what we do have. Being flexible.

This doesn't apply to everyone, but it will to some. Whether it's your time for you to take your own turn, or whether it's time for you to let someone else have their turn, this is good food for thought this Christmas season.

5 Things- Holiday Style

Tis the time of year for celebrating!

For those that don't know, I just self published a holiday book! 
5 Things- Holiday Style...Making the Season Meaningful. Affordable. Unforgettable".

It's been in my head for a few years. Actual fruition of the idea was inspired by seeing a book my friend made.

My friend Lisa, who is amazing first of all, had a book published this fall.

Actually her friends turned her blog into a book for a fundraising effort. Lisa's sweet mom is going through cancer treatments right now, Lisa has overcome health issues herself, and she spends SO much time helping various causes in our city, many involving cancer, animals and children. She has spent time with cancer patients, helping them through treatment. She basically brings her happy self to many people who need her. She has overcome much and shares her story very openly, bringing hope and life to many. (She even wears a chicken costume for some occasions, but you'll have to get her book to find out why!)

Her book is called "Joy in the Journey: Finding Laughter and Miracles in Very Dark Places" by Lisa Jernigan Bain. You can find it on Amazon.

So I pounded it out for a couple of weeks and put all the ideas in my head onto paper. With the help of my hubby, this first 5 Things book was created! (Many more to come!) In it, I share many ideas, traditions, menus and recipes that our family has used over the course of many years through the holidays. Many of my mom's best recipes that I use are in it. I love to celebrate, as you will find out in this book!

5 Things- Holiday Style is like a guide through the holidays, and it reads more like a book than a cookbook. Humorous stories guide you throughout. I promise you will laugh out loud at least once, and giggle a few times. Many reports of crying too. The response has been awesome, truly. So many emailed, texted or told me that they read the entire thing in one setting. I'm so grateful for the response!

All the books I sold here locally were part of a fundraising effort too. 10% went to my daughter's youth group fundraiser- a clean water well in Uganda. The rest is set aside to benefit Girls 101 Workshops, the cause I am determined to bring to our city in a bigger way. More to come on that in the future.

If you are interested, you can find me on Amazon. Just do a search for "5 Things- Holiday Style" and up I pop!

Merry Christmas!

Our Stocking Prayer Tradition

Merry Christmas! Last night our family continued what has become a favorite Christmas tradition. We gather around the fireplace, take down the stockings that hang at the mantle and pass them out. Then we each write a prayer to Jesus. The letter gets tucked back in the stocking year after year for no one else but Jesus to see.

I don't know how this tradition started. But this is year nine, so my kids were 4, 6 and 9 when we began. Nothing more precious than a 4 year old's handwritten prayer, full of misspelled and backwards letters, wishing Jesus a Merry Christmas. Last night was the first time I got to see that! One daughter shared the cuteness of her first letter with me. (I don't read any of the prayers, even as I pack up decorations year after year. They are sacred.)

 There were no rules when we started. Some of us highlight the year, some are traditional prayers, some write their questions about the next year, one signs her signature each year to see how it changes. The girls last night were laughing at old phases they've been through in growing up.

 One awesome thing that happens is we can see how God has answered prayers. And we can see how things that seemed so huge and important at the time of writing has actually worked out or become unimportant during the span of twelve months.

 I'm sharing this tradition in hopes you'll steal it and start it too! It's never too late, you can do it on Christmas, New Years, maybe even birthdays. It's become too meaningful to not pass on. Tweak it to fit your family, then have fun.

 Merry Christmas from our family to yours!