5 Awkward Talks - #2 To Tell or Not to Tell

To tell or not to tell. That is the question.

In the tween and teen years, generally speaking, it is taboo to tell on someone. However, on occasion it may be essential for a friend's safety.

That said, sometimes it's hard to discern when it's important to tell, then equally hard to have the guts to tell, when you may feel like you're ratting out a friend.

I've heard of and experienced quite a few sensitive situations like this over the last 9 years of talking to tweens and teens.

When I ask middle schoolers if they have personally known someone affected by abuse, cutting or suicide, about 70% say they have at some point known someone affected by each of the 3 categories. They also confirm that drug use is a huge temptation or struggle for many people their age.
If cutting, drugs, suicide and abuse are that prevalent among 6th, 7th and 8th graders, odds are that your tween or teen knows or will know someone struggling.

So the question is, what do they do about it? Anything?

My first thought was that our culture has turned into one of such an independent spirit, that often even we adults turn our heads away, with the attitude of "It's not my business. Someone else will deal with it." But do we leave kids in danger when we have that attitude?

However, in discussing this blog with my friend, Dr. Krysclie Mayer, Psy.D., she shared a different perspective that I think is much better than my original thought. She said "I might quibble with your idea that our culture has an independent spirit. I think I know what you mean-that people tend to "live and let live" --but I think it's due to a tendency to be very dependent...dependent on someone else to do something, say something, take care of a difficult situation.  I think it's an outgrowth of nanny-state-ism, fear of liability and/or not wanting to be perceived as judgmental, etc. Dependency is a huge impediment to people confronting situations that are truly unsafe for others."

So maybe even we adults are afraid to step in to difficult situations, but when teens act the same, don't we wonder how no one thought to get help? There is a horrible news story, (an extreme example), when in 2009 there were multiple witnesses of a 2 1/2 hour gang raping of a girl, where no one got help. How could no one report this? Teens watched, but didn't report it.

That's so extreme, but there are plenty of other instances where fights have gone on in our own schools and few think to get help, even though many will video it.

Last winter in Oklahoma City, a big fight at a high school was in the news because of it's severity, length and how it made the rounds on Youtube (video no longer available). Details are unclear about whether anyone went to get help as the guy was getting beaten, I'm going to assume that someone did...but how long did it take? The video of the beating is long, and obviously because there is a video, some chose to record instead of or while help was being sent for. Still, the video showed people walking by the beating, seemingly unaffected.

Years ago in high school I remember happening upon a group of guys beating a guy senseless. I was so horrified that anyone could do that to someone that I think I froze and did nothing but leave as quick as I could. (Everyone that knows me well knows I freeze at emergency type situations haha). I still remember that and wish I would have gotten him help.

I'm also grateful to say that there are those responsible teens who will tell an adult when something dangerous is going on with a friend. Several things come to mind. One girl told higher ups when a person was doing drugs in class unnoticed. A girl told when a friend was drunk at a lake. I know of a few girls who got adults involved when  friends mentioned or contemplated suicide. A girl told an adult when a teacher made sexual remarks to the class. Was it risky to tell? Yes. Would some people consider them a rat? Probably. But more importantly, people got the help they needed to steer clear of more life-threatening danger. All of these  who told were brave, responsible and made a difference.

When a life is at risk or in danger, or illegal activity is involved, it becomes necessary to tell. A true friend will get help before it's too late. It takes guts. It also takes someone willing to risk a friendship to get the help needed. I would rather tell an adult that my friend is in a dangerous situation and have her mad at me, than to do nothing and have disaster strike, knowing I could have stopped it. 

But how is a 6th grader supposed to know what's truly dangerous and what to do about it? One example- cutting is so common. Many tweens and teens know people who cut, but never tell. All the teens may know that so and so cuts, but it's rare that they tell an adult. The kids may think, "I know it's not good, but lots of people do it". What they may not realize is the danger of cutting.

According to the Mayo Clinic, "Self-injury can cause a variety of complications, including:

• Worsening feelings of shame, guilt and low self-esteem.
• Infection, either from your wounds or from sharing implements.
• Life-threatening problems, such as blood loss if major blood vessels or arteries are cut.
• Accidental or deliberate suicide. You may unintentionally injure yourself fatally, especially if you injure yourself while under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs. You're also at higher risk of deliberately taking your own life."

"Inside a Cutter's Mind" by Jerusha Clark with Dr. Earl Henslin is an informative book to "understand and help those who self-injure". I have come to just ask bluntly about cuts if I see them. One girl told me you'd be surprised how no one ever asks about obvious visible cuts.

Most kids know who uses drugs, who is high in class, even if it escapes the teacher's attention. Most kids know who the creepy adults are- the ones who do inappropriate things and give most students the heebie jeebies. It's also far too common for our teens to walk around with the knowledge that a friend gets beaten or abused at home. These are serious life issues that are very difficult, delicate and hard to deal with. What do they do with this information?

Even responsible adults may believe in different approaches for these sticky topics. But as long as you talk through your beliefs with your children as to what is appropriate and needed, they will be armed. Make sure they are comfortable coming to you with information.

Did you know most schools have an anonymous hotline you can call to report suspected behavior? You can also call if you fear someone might be a victim of something negative. It's not our job to investigate, accuse and bring change to a person's life, but it IS the job of  professionals. We can take responsibility to report suspicion to professionals.

If we can report suspicious behavior, the professionals can investigate and take necessary action if needed. Find out phone numbers of your local centers or hotlines to call for different needs. Find out if your school has an anonymous tip line.


Have this discussion with your teens.
If a friend talks about suicide, what should you do?
If a friend tries drugs, what should you do?
If a friend confides in you that they are abused at home, what should you do?
Do you understand that cutting is very dangerous even though it may be common?
If you see a fight happening, what should you do?
What is the difference between being a tattle tale and getting help when really needed?

Resources:
Inside a Cutter's Mind by Jerusha Clark with Dr. Earl Henslin
How to Talk to Your Kids About Drugs by Stephen Arterburn and Jim Burns

What Do Our Lives Communicate?

Photo credit: Jadyn Noelle Photography

So I got a little distracted from this series by a personal issue and a current event but now, let's finish up thoughts on how today's communication has changed for all of us, especially teens!

Part One- Gone are the Days discusses the girls meeting I held where we went over all the communication problems now caused by texting conversations, instead of face to face communication.

Part Two- Distracted Relationships reveals that we adults too have been sucked in to the myriads of technology...enough to irritate our own kids at times.

So.  There are vast amounts of ways we communicate now. It used to be a hello and a handshake, or a handwritten, sealed, stamped letter that took days to arrive.

Now it's phonecalls, emails, texts, Skype-ing, Face Time and Instant Messaging. Just to name a few!

But many are the ways we may not be as aware of, that speak volumes about us too! And people are watching. Some things that have become normal for today's teen culture are fine, when considered and thought out ahead of time. Some things I don't consider fine. These are worth a conversation with teens.


We communicate through BODY LANGUAGE-

Tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, body language. These all contribute toward gaining true understanding of what a person is communicating. Is your friend rolling her eyes while talking to you or really paying attention to what you're saying? What does your body language say when you speak to friends?

Remember that when communicating through phone or social media, you're missing out on all these crucial elements of understanding true meaning. Many misunderstandings happen this way.

As a teen, can you hold a conversation with an adult? Can you shake hands firmly and look in the eye?

We communicate IDEAS everyday-

Whether we realize it or not, this is true. Do we pause to think about this? What ideas does your life communicate? 

Please stay with me through this thought. When talking to girls, I asked "What is your first thought of a girl who goes through lots of boyfriends in school?"  What does that communicate to you? And reverse it, what about boys who go through lots of girlfriends?

Your mind can come up with possible answers.  Not that the thought is accurate, and we are not encouraging judging people. I'm just pointing out that as humans, we cannot help but have an initial reaction or opinion to people's behavior. We may be able to work past that initial reaction and say to ourselves, "Well maybe that isn't true, I shouldn't judge". Hopefully so.  But let's face it, many people, especially in younger teen years, don't do that. It takes maturity. What we do affects what people think about us. And us of them. Right or wrong. Actions communicate.

Let's help our kids to think through initial thoughts of others, giving benefit of the doubt, not judging, yet being aware. And offering the forgiveness we all need continually. By the same token, help your teen realize that others are forming thoughts of them, right or wrong, and others may not be giving your teen the benefit of the doubt. It's important to communicate beyond initial impressions.

We communicate ideas about ourselves through PICTURES-

In today's picture obsessed world, this deserves alot of consideration.

Here is a wonderfully happy college girl like that I know. My daughter's roomie.  What does her picture communicate about her? By the way, this is how she looks most of the time! She is all flowers and sunshine to everyone she meets. It's just her. This picture reflects who she is.

During a girls meeting, I pulled up a random girl on Facebook that it took me awhile to find. No, I didn't know her, but half of the little square profile pic was her chest busting out of her rather small top.  Quiiiite a bit of cleavage shall we say.

I showed the picture to the girls. "What are your first thoughts? What do you think of her? What is she communicating about herself?" They obviously came up with answers. "Why do you think those things" is such an important question. She put her chest out there and that drums up alot of opinions, like it or not. It's human nature to have an opinion. So if you put your chest out there, odds are you'll drum up the same assumptions from others. Pictures communicate.

Consider the pictures you share and post on social media, or text to people. What are you communicating about yourself? Is it consistent with the image that you want others to have of you? If it is, great! Fabulous! If not, it's a good thing to think about.

It's way too common for kids to text underwear or naked pics to people. If you were to receive one of those, (heaven forbid), what does that communicate to you about the person who sent it? If you have sent one, what is the message you're trying to convey? Is that how you want to be thought of? Why?

I think we know that teen to early twenty years are pretty much known for silly, not well thought out behavior. I tell girls today they are the first generation that really don't have the luxury of not thinking first (unfortunately). If you take a pic, or someone takes it of you, there's not much to stop it from getting posted online, or sent to someone, whether you want it to or not.

Pictures live forever now. It used to be we could tear them up, destroy the negative. (yes, negative).  Now a picture is almost eternal! Let's be smart about it.


We communicate daily by CHOICE OF WORDS- 

Picture someone you know who always has something nice to say. They are well spoken, mannered, full of nice words. What do they communicate to you about themselves?

For those that are fellow fans of old movies, think about how classy and fun ladies were in the old Doris Day movies. Or Audrey Hepburn. Ladies were classy, well spoken.

What's fairly common in some circles today? For some girls to greet each other with "What's up b**ch?"  What does that communicate? It's a far stretch from the fun Doris Day days!

I remember being fresh out of college and getting one of my first jobs as a receptionist. A co-worker immediately didn't like me and passively called me a b*tch as she worked away next to me. I got up, went to my bosses office and said "I"ll not be working with someone so unprofessional and I won't be called a b*tch". Boss lady called us both in and we all had it out. I don't mind working with people who use language, but not directed at me. She never did it again, and we became friends.  In fact, one day when I was horribly sick at home alone in my apartment, she was the one who came and delivered medicine to me.

Another one, the EFF word is becoming way too common, with WTF and FML. If you don't know what those mean, ask a teenager. They all know. Because of texting, I'm afraid it's even more common with kids who normally wouldn't talk like that out loud. But they may type or text it.

Even if they don't say the words but text them all the time, does that make it different? That's up to you.

How you come across to people will either earn you respect...or not.

For those who are Christians, we talk about the difference between following culture just because it's culture, or following Scripture.  If culture says it's normal to send naked pics, should we do it?

We DO know.

Everyone has an internal measure. You know where the line is. Would you say certain things to your grandma or your pastor? Can I lead a girls meeting using the EFF or B word?

People know when to "clean it up" because we just internally know. Everyone would straighten up in front of the Pope. Why? People recognize certain behavior as wrong in front of someone "holy", for lack of better word.

It could be a fun exercise to pay attention to yourself for the next few days and try to see what others might see in what you do.

Discussion Starter with your teen: Go through each of the topics above and ask for their opinion on what they see at school on a daily basis. Hear out their opinions. For Christians, try and decipher what is just culture and okay, or what parts of culture contradict what Scripture teaches.

Thanks for staying with me. That was long!

Wanna Know Girls Thoughts on Friendships?

October is anti-bullying month. We've got some great things coming up on that subject, a real life story to share, but I want to start out with some real thoughts on friendships, from recent meetings held with local teen girls.

After years of meeting with teen girls talking about life issues, loneliness is one common theme that has never changed, no matter the age or the different group of girls I'm talking to. Girls can tend to be lonely. As busy as we are, it's an interesting thought! A middle schooler this weekend said "That's why girls want to have a boyfriend". Another said that girls you'd never expect sometimes post things on Facebook or Twitter declaring loneliness. Loneliness may be partly due to the fact we are made with such a great capacity for relationship. Learning what to do with that need for relationship is helpful.

Girls often say with sadness how they rarely have time to get together with so many friends they really enjoy. We talked of the need for relationship and friendship, how crucial it is. Our lifestyles sometimes make us so busy, they definitely feel stress at young ages, but does the primary need for good relationships get squeezed out? Good friendships are part of what eleviates stress in our lives. Are we making time for people? It's something to consider. It seems a constant battle for all of us, adults too. I know I can relate!

It is helpful to let girls know that occasional loneliness is relatively normal and they aren't the only ones that feel that way. So often we do feel like "the only ones" who feel a certain way. Oh, I'm normal?! What a relief! Sometimes just knowing that helps. It may be a surprise to learn some girls feel this way at all. Not all do, but it may be helpful to bring it up sometime and see if the girls you know can relate.

When we do have that great fun time with friends, it's so important who we hang out with. Friends influence us one way or another. At our last two meetings, girls have had to think through what character traits are important to them in friendships.

A group of 8th graders individually write down the 5 most important character traits they wanted a close friend to have. Then as a group they had to unanimously agree on just 3 of those traits as the most important. This was a difficult task which led to very interesting discussion!

After a lively debate, we finally realized narrowing down to 3 would be impossible before moms arrived to pick up girls to go home. These girls had lots of thoughts and compelling arguments! So the final 5 they could agree on as tops were: honesty, trust, Christian, fun, and a friend who listens. Each had their own personal top 3, that weren't necessarily the same as others, which is totally fine. It wasn't a right or wrong answer, just an exercise to think through what traits a good friend should have.

Lastly, looking in the mirror is necessary (but definitely not quite as fun), as we ask ourselves, am I displaying those qualities that I seek from others? This question solicited a couple of groans and sheepish looks....but teaching girls to consider their own behavior will give them life long skills they'll need for good relationships.


Random thoughts girls have shared this month-

1. I want a friend who listens to me. Some girls want to talk about their problems all the time, but get annoyed when I want to talk about mine.
2. I want a friend who isn't a downer all the time. If someone is negative a lot, I feel it pulling me down with them.
3. I want a friend who really wants to be with me. I don't want to be their back up plan.
4. I have alot of people tell me their problems. I have to make sure I don't get burdened down trying to take care of everyone's problems.
5. "Oh no..." when asked to think about how they themselves are acting toward others...indicating the need to examine self is definitely needed! :) haha... who can't relate to that?!

Discussion starter: When girls you know, daughter or otherwise, are talking about friends, ask what it is they enjoy about that person. Just listen. This can help her think through what traits are important to her in relationships.

Sometimes the opposite approach works too. If she is having friendship problems, recognizing what that friend is doing that hurts her, helps her to see the positive quality that friend may be lacking.