Tuesday, January 8, 2013
"When Love Blinds"- Pt. 2
I've heard so many women who've experienced bad marriages say "If I'd only listened to people", "If I'd only seen the signs when we were dating".
One friends of mine just said something all girls should know. "If the top 5 people in your life that love you all have a problem with who you're dating, listen to them. Even if you can't see it."
Finally I asked women to share their stories, so maybe we can put them in front of girls who are dating and save them the same mistakes.
Yesterday we started a series of women's stories- (did you see yesterday's post?!) If not, click on this title and check out "When Love Blinds" Part 1.
Today, another friend shares her experience:
I had many "red flags" before I married my ex-husband, but I ignored them or made excuses for them.
1. He had a flash temper - he would yell and scream and rant and rave for hours at a time.
2. He also expressed his anger toward me with the silent treatment. Sometimes this would go on for days and weeks at a time.
3. He was very controlling in every area of my life. Money, time, sex.
4. He lied about anything and everything for no reason at all.
5. He cried alot....over nothing or over anything at all. Looking back, I think it was his way to manipulate others.
6. He disrespected his parents and his parents still treated him like a child
7. His family was terribly dysfunctional. I knew that his dad had molested his sister from the time she was young until her late teens. His mom knew about it too and said, "Better her than me." (I didn't learn that part until much later.)
That's not all inclusive, but that is a gracious plenty.
Now why did I love him? or justify these signs?
When I met him, I had been praying that I would meet a good Christian guy. In many ways he seemed like all that and more. He would pray with me and we would have Bible studies together. He even wrote my dad a letter asking if it would be okay if we dated. He talked about how he would treat me with respect. It impressed my parents and it impressed me. No one had ever done that before. We started talking about getting married. There were positive happy moments too.
We got engaged after dating a few months. At one point while we were engaged, we were apart a couple of months. I was really seeking God about my relationship with him. I wasn't sure if I missed him or not, or if maybe God was trying to lead me in another direction. I stayed with him.
My parents wanted us to be engaged for a year. Looking back, I think a year long engagement is too long to ask a young couple to stay pure. We stayed pure up until 2 months before our wedding day. Anyway, I started having doubts about our future again after our first intimate encounter, but I thought that no one else would want me. I was used. I had always wanted to save myself for THE one and now I felt like I have to marry him.
I also felt like it would have been an embarrassment to my family to call off the wedding the day of the wedding but I know now that it would have been perfectly fine.
My parents were having doubts now too, but I also justified that because my parents didn't like any of my previous boyfriends, so why should I expect anything different? My dad was especially controlling and I just thought this was par for the course.
We went through alot before and after we got married. All the wedding preparations were stressful and that is one thing that I made excuses for. The week before we married, he was mad at me about something and was ignoring me. We went out to dinner with my mom and she commented on how badly he was treating me. (This is the same way my dad treated my mom.) Maybe it was a learned behavior.
The day of the wedding, as my dad was getting ready to walk me down the aisle, he said, "You don't have to do this. It's not too late to change your mind." I told him he was being ridiculous.
I later learned that my mom prayed to God for a week that He would strike her dead or at least make her so ill that the wedding would be postponed. Obviously, my parents could see the problems.
Then, after we got married, we moved from across the country. Neither one of us had a job to go to. We had very little money. And apparently no sense! Once we arrived in our new destination, the next morning we discovered that our truck and moving trailer had been stolen. Everything that we owned, all of our clothes, wedding gifts and what little furniture we had was stolen. What a way to start an already troubled marriage.
Even on the honeymoon I saw bad signs. Once the day came, he was unwilling to buy tickets (not expensive) to an event we had planned that I had really, really looked forward to.
(The marriage didn't last. But she says the child she had with him is the best most wonderful part. This is one thing that I've heard many women say. Though a marriage feels like a mistake, somehow in a way that is beyond our human ability to understand, God works all these things out. Children are never ever a mistake. They are a beautiful, planned miracle. God has restored this woman and her child. She is now in a wonderful marriage with a man who became the husband and dad she hoped for.)
Random follow up thoughts...it's definitely important to date someone long enough to see how they are and how they react though all sorts of life situations. If their personality appears to be questionable in some important areas, that's worth stopping and seriously considering, alongside people who love you and have lived longer. Even if you see many other good things in that person. It's never too late to call something off. It may be uncomfortable, but it's never too late. Thoughts on purity- Those who strive to wait until marriage to have sex is a noble thing and one I recommend and believe in. But making a mistake doesn't take away all hope. Not at all. It does change things, but there is always hope and change available.
Very thankful to theese ladies for sharing their stories.