"after a late night stalking jason castro with my girls at a local concert, staying late to ensure they got a picture with him, i awoke early this morning to take a daughter to horse lessons. the summer heat stretch is causing us to have incredibly early lessons to ensure survival and the drive is a bit far away.
sometimes i stay out in the area to write, sometimes i drive home. today? giggly over getting home to a MUCH needed quiet morning alone! even if it's only an hour and a half before having to drive out there again. so excited. barely got horse daughter out of the car when other daughter calls because she has a sudden babysitting job way out by the horse lessons, so can i take her? of course. certainly. even though i have to drive allll the way home to get her and allll they way back out by horse lessons. don't want to discourage strong work ethic. so much for the needed quiet morning. i can adjust.
drive home. have one cup of coffee. take daughter way back out to babysitting job. if i added up time spent in car i'd be depressed so i don't. come home. aaahhh quiet morning. get a text from horse daughter that someone else is bringing her home. praise God for nice people! get call from sitter daughter that she's been requested to stay longer now, but doesn't know how long, so now i'm "on call".
have a bit of needed time alone. remember that husband asked me to drop off dry cleaning shirts today. throw them in the floor in the doorway so i can't possibly forget to take them when leave. whenever that is. i don't know because i'm on call. get a call from third nanny daughter who is watching 3 kids. the problem is she has to take them places but the boy has hives and can't get hot. we all know her car is blazing hot because it hasn't had AC in three years and the nation is in the middle of a hellish heat streak. so could they use my car? (which leaves me with hot car to pick up sitter daughter who dies if she has to be seen in nanny daughter's car especially if a parent is driving it).
searching for viable options, the other choice we come up with is i could drive the whole group to their lunch destination, wait a half hour doing whatever i'm supposed to do, then come back and get them and take them to the theater, then go back and get them two hours later, which would work but wait, what if sitter daughter needs a ride right when movie starts? then she'd have to sit there awkwardly with people she doesn't know well for 30 minutes while i drive to get her since it's so far away. that really wouldn't hurt her so maybe i'll do that. or i could say no to the whole nanny daughter thing like my husband would. but according to the kids, that's what makes mom the mom. she does these things.
being a mom is like one gigantic ongoing sacrifice. we consider things husbands don't. i can't let the boy with hives drive in a hot car can i? ok take my car. i'll drive the hot one. nanny daughter has suffered three years in it, so i can take one turn. i leave in hot car to take the shirts that i tripped on to the dry cleaners. turn on car and radio station i don't allow is blasting. reminded that she's 18 and going to college and there's not a darned thing i can do about and it's not my job to approve her music outside my home anymore. remember the speech my husband often gives about the "diet" of music, not wanting too much junk food in their diet. and all the reasons they've gotten from me about unapproved music and why. the times i've made them read lyrics out loud to us. or worse for them, when i read them. ha.
reminded that she tells me she turns off gross, degrading songs and doesn't like them either. i think about a music/media blog coming up and i could blog this, but then people would probably say aaaahhh, the poor deceived blog lady actually thinks her daughter turns off the bad songs. isn't that precious....but i can handle that cuz i know she probably does because that's the kind of person she is, and has she ever actually listened to one? probably. i'm not clueless. i remember how long it took me to clean up my own song habits and how i only really listened when it was God telling me and not someone's speeches.
then i see a handwritten scripture taped to dashboard next to the radio about may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight O Lord. thank you Jesus. i chuckle at how contrasting the song and the scripture are as i listen to the words of the song which i 've decided to KEEP playing, so i can be proven if needed that this isn't really a bad station. but the song is describing an ongoing sex scene in more detail than i have ever heard in a song, and now i have to listen to it for research purposes so i know what's going on.
so now i'm driving around the hot car blasting the unapproved radio station thinking how funny it would be for people to see the 5 things lady driving around blasting around an explicit sex song. then it's windy cuz all the windows are down cuz it's hot so now i have to turn it up even louder and i'm thinking what a funny blog this could be but do i dare expose the world to my real mind? i remember how my husband told me once it must be exhausting to live inside of my head and i had only given him a tiny glimpse of my daily reality. laugh to myself because people think i'm quiet sometimes, but it's cuz my head is always like this and there's so much going on that i'm too tired to talk.
i stop at the gas station to get gas because of course the car that i get has one fume, but the song isn't over so i sit and listen to the end of it (yes with my windows down), typing whatever words i can understand into my phone so i can look it up later for research purposes to know what those muddled words actually were. wondering how many kids listen to this garbage and how many parents even know that the songs say such things? or do the parents listen to?
anyway, pump gas, get back in hot car, excited i have a new text, then realize it's from myself. disappointed. laugh that in my mom world with sometimes little adult interaction, a text is cause for excitement. how pathetic. at least i entertain myself. i am my own best friend. as i drive and sweat, i'm thinking to myself that not only am i on call to pick up sitter daughter whever that is, but i also previously agreed to take horse daughter to a friend's house after her lesson. my selfish motive at the time was to have quiet time , but there's always a price, right? and my price is driving. and oh how i pay. but soon i'll have no one to drive around and then i'll miss this, right? self talk. perspective.
so the day that i thought would be filled with aloneness and fulfilling writing deadlines is now full. then i recall that yesterday was the SAME. i started my glorious day only to receive a phonecall from my husband that his car had just broken down on the highway. he got a ride to work. i still don't understand what happened, but all i know is i had to take a spare key, drive it to abandoned car, put the key under the mat and leave it unlocked because the tow truck was on it's way. simple.
i promptly drive to abandoned car. leave key under mat. lock door. get ready to drive away and PANIC that i just locked our only extra key into the abandoned car, with tow truck in route!!
PANIC that i cannot possibly reveal my ignorance OR stress out my husband who is in a series of meeting after meetings and can't help me anyway. i have to take care of it myself and don't have much time to do it and how could possibly be this DUMB? because my head is this full you see.
all the way there i was sad thinking of all the hard sicknesses and accidents and hospitalizations of friend's children that are going on. it's just so wrong and there are so many things to pray for and i want everyone to have a miracle. so now i've locked the only key inside. as i hold my skirt down with each wind gust from each semi that barrels by, i am thankful for smartphones. look up locksmiths. beg someone to come like right NOW cuz a tow truck is on the way, and my husband can't possibly know i did this, because he just wouldn't get it, cuz men's heads aren't full like this, right? all the cartoons show the empty bubble cloud above the man's head and he told me that really IS true, and then i think i wish i was a man sometimes it would be easier, but not really cuz then i'd have to provide an income.
a wonderful locksmith, now my BFF4L, came and saved me within 15 minutes and i use an old credit card hoping it will go by unnoticed, realizing i would have paid him a million dollars, well not really but YAY it was under 100. we pact together that this never happened and i speed off. husband texted that the tow truck was almost there and i respond "cool." so calm.
now i'm driving home and get a panicked call from horse daughter who is at home and she's crying cuz our dog has something wrong with it. i imagine heat stroke and i panic again, speeding home. why is my heart pounding so much today? thank goodness it wasn't actually heat related. i misunderstood the crying sounds and the dog was okay, it's too hard to explain the tears so never mind. now i have to spend an hour settling my heart from the adrenalin rush i just had twice. i'm thinking of my friends who had worse things happen recently and wow if i'm pounding over that imagine what they were like. go home. exhausted. no writing today.
i'm left today thinking about people asking how the writing is going, probably wondering about my self imposed deadlines i've spoken out loud. and how difficult that is to answer. what do i do everyday? things like this. drive, drive around town, drive more. meet needs. say yes to too much. write in my head, wondering if i'll ever have time to get it on paper. wondering if it matters.
thinking what a funny blog this could be-inside a multi tasking mother's head. but then i wonder wait what if i'm the only one? then i'd just look really crazy to the whole world. well the whole world of 100 people that might potentially be reading it. but surely not, surely other moms can relate to this madness. am i the only one? please say i'm not. am i brave enough to find out? i don't know yet. we'll see. but i'd definitely find out if my husband reads my blog!
gotta go. sitter daughter needs her ride. i didn't tell her it's the hot car. we'll surprise her.
p.s. if no one comments that they can totally relate, i may never blog again. and we'll say this never happened."
p.p.s. the above picture is what I actually looked like driving around this summer. the below pic is how i liked to imagine myself, to get through the day.
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