The "I'm Glads" from Mama Rock

Marilyn Rockhold, who I affectionately nicknamed Mama Rock, is the mom of my junior high and high school BFF, Valerie. I spent much time at their house growing up, along with Valerie's THREE older sisters! So when I think "mom of girls", Mama Rock is one of my first thoughts. I saw her in action and I've seen the results of her fabulous mom skills in the lives of all four sisters grown up! She is among the first I approached to ask "the 5 things she's glad she did raising girls".

First, I must reminisce. When I think of fun times at Valerie's house, I think of the green tapioca pudding or the homemade Orange Julius drinks we made every time I spent the night. I think of Valerie's 1976 Mercury wood paneled station wagon that we drove on the weekends, a car that skipped radio stations every time we hit a bump, but we just as quickly switched our song as we sang along! Mama Rock hosted get togethers at her house quite often for us. Her sister Janet and I both share a Halloween birthday and we knew we were both TREATS and not TRICKS! I think of the time Papa Rock drove Valerie, Janet and I to Hutchinson, KS for a weekend retreat, but an hour down the road Janet discovered she'd forgotten her curling iron. Being a dad of 4 girls in the 80's, he knew the gravity of the situation and the undeniable need to return home for it, but that doesn't mean he was happy about it! When he said with very mild controlled “fury”, "I'm just so mad I could SPIT", we hysterically giggled in silent vibrations and uncontrollable laughter in the backseat for a good long while! Because as calm as his anger was, that was really mad for sweet Papa Rock! Yes, he took us all the way home for the curling iron. They are good people.

Ok, so now for “substance”. When I asked Mama Rock the 5 things she's glad she did in raising her girls, here is what stood out to her. (This was prefaced by "it was all in spite of me and by the grace of God". I made her come up with practical pass-on-able tidbits!!)

1. I am glad we taught respect for authority and obedience at an early age (right off the bat, one year old and up). If you wait until they are tweens, it's too late. Now they respect God and His authority, as well as the law, their parents, teachers, etc.

2. I am glad we required them to do household chores because they learned how to keep house and to do their share as members of a family. (I can attest to this fact when my own girls and I visited Janet's family of (7children) in Kansas City in recent years. It was like a well oiled machine- every person did their part happily, without a parent having to beg and no one complained. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I mentally scribbled notes, wondered what in the world I had done wrong and said to my kids "DO YOU SEE THIS?!?!?!" Sorry for my extra comments there, couldn't help it.)

3. I am glad we kept an "open house" for their friends, because we got to know their friends and they got to know us. Have as many activities in your home as possible. We wanted the girls and their friends to feel welcome anytime. Because of this we would know if there was trouble anywhere and they would be less likely to go astray.

4. I am glad we made family time a priority via meals together, going to church together, watching TV together, etc. Family should come first after God- and that includes extended family too. Having a good husband/wife relationship and agreement between the two (at least in front of the kids) is very important too.

5. I am glad we did not wait "until they were old enough" to teach these things but started at a young age, because if a child is left to herself she brings shame to her Mother. Proverbs 29:15

To sum it up, she said teenage years can be scary and there are some really hard times, but she found them to be so much more fun than she expected. Mama Rock and Papa Rock are now the proud grandparents of a whopping 25 wonderful grandchildren and one grand-son-in-law !! Grandkids range in age from 25 years to 3 months; thirteen girls and 12 boys.

Afterwards, I couldn't help but bring up the subject of her working as a nurse while raising kids, since she didn't mention it. I remember her often being in her nurse uniform, coming to and from work late at night, wondering why we were coloring our tapioca pudding green. Her thoughts on the subject: "Nursing was the only job I was ever interested in, even as a child. I was never interested in having a career or climbing the career ladder. My family was my first priority and my job came second. I just worked part time in order to help with family finances, college,weddings, etc. I'm very proud that two of my granddaughters are RN's also. It's fun to be able to "talk shop" with them. When my granddaughter Abigail's class recited the Nightingale Pledge, all the RN's in the audience were asked to join them, I was very proud to be able to do that. I'm very grateful for all the nursing experiences I've had."

Coming tomorrow, insights from all four now grown up Rockhold sisters! Stay tuned, it's fun because what they appreciate is all so varied. Thanks to Mama Rock for being willing to share her thoughts with us. Their entire family is a great example to many people. I'm glad to know them.

IS IT OK TO NEED TIME ALONE??!

Blogging was tossed aside the last few days due to being on a getaway with my hubby of 20 years....that's right, 6 days alone! That's rare, but so fun! Here we are at Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. Now I'm back home and today at my scheduled haircut, my hair guy and I told each other about our trips- we BOTH just got back from rare "alone-with-our-spouse-trips" to Cali!

Then we veered into the inevitable talk about raising kids (he has 7 kids and is in the throws of all young ages!) All this reminiscing got my mind going.

Such a key part of parenting well is having a good marriage. Part of having a good marriage is making time for the two of you to be alone, even if it doesn't seem convenient. Time alone, it's a good thing to pursue.

Yesterday at Walgreens, my favorite checkout lady and friend, Karen, asked how school was going for my kids. I said I barely knew because I got them started in school then immediately left for a week! Her quick and usual wise response was "and what a growing experience for your kids to get through that alone" (meant in the best way possible). That was nice to hear because I did have one small twinge of doubt about leaving, but it was truly the only possible time for us to get away. Yes I had guilt about missing Back to School night for one of them, but my fabulous friend went in my place and all was well. We moms are notorious for feeling guilt no matter what we decide! But if we "feed" our marriage, we fuel our parenting as well.

Knowing this need to get away, along with reliving "little kid days" with my hair guy took me back (humor me and follow the path of my mind) to days when my girls were all little and sometimes I just needed a break! Like a real "get away" break. I LOVED being a mom of little girls, but I will also be honest and say that there were times if I didn't get away I thought I'd go crazy....yes, I LOVE me some alone time....which is rare at that stage of life. I used to dream of a Land called NOONENEEDSMOM. Of course I loved and wanted to be needed, but just for a day?! Maybe two? No one needs anything? Doesn't that sound dreeeaaaammmmyyy?

I happen to have a husband who believes in the premise "if mama ain't happy nobody's happy". But back in those days he took it a step further (being a true man) and actually suggested and helped make it happen! NO, he wasn't trying to get rid of me (I don't think). He truly knew everyone's life would be more peaceful if I got those precious few moments of ME time to regroup. Wives everywhere burned in jealousy when they realized I had a man who would send me on a trip and offer to take care of the kids (just kidding). But there's also another element to this concept. Some women may have been jealous for alone time (who knows), or judged me for leaving my kids, OR maybe even had a husband just as willing. But sometimes great moms are also very uncomfortable to let things fall into the hands of dad tactics, like the kids won't survive without mom there. I took a risk back in the day and let him try it. Guess what? Everyone survived. Was it different? Yes. Was it the way I did things? No. Did everyone miss me and appreciate me? Yes. Did they have fun without me? Yes. They even made fun dad memories that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

Are you in this position and wishing for some time away? Are you thinking about forwarding this blog to your husband to give him a clue? (hee hee) Take these 5 points into consideration.

1. Pick a fabuously thoughtful husband. If it's too late for that, then

2. Tell him some benefit that he will receive by you getting away. If you're happy, he'll be happier. It's not manipulation, it's just true!

3. NOW, don't NAG him about how he does things while you're gone. (yes if you forward this to him, I meant for him to see this point). Let dad be dad no matter how preposterous things can be (ha). You can go into any bookstore and find biographies of children who survived horrifying conditions growing up. People are very resilient. The kids will survive if nap time is skipped or cookies are served for dinner. My own kids memories of "dad-cations"? They loved using only paper products. Therefore no dishes to do. They also survived a tactic that I thought was ludicrous and unfair, (but rather funny). For dad-survival, by day two my husband eliminated all questions. If you have small children, you know that is the majority of conversation. He was great fun, did lots of stuff with them, took fabulous care of them, but just couldn't handle the barrage of conversation and questions. "Ut! Was that a question? Remember no questions." Guess what? They aren't scarred. They barely remember. The point is, I was ALONE and the kids were bonding with their manly dad.

4. Now before you leave, prepare yourself to deal with the guilt you will feel upon departure. Motherhood is one big guilt trip after another. My memory is of my family driving me to the airport when I went to stay with my sister in D.C. The kids were all little. I looked at them in the backseat and my quietest one was just sitting there silently with tears rolling down her sweet cheeks. STAB ME IN THE HEART. I said goodbye, got inside the airport and called my friend. I said, "I need you to tell me right now that I'm not a bad mother and that it's ok to go on this trip." My wise friend said "You are teaching your girls to go visit each other one day and to take care of themselves too". What a good friend. I went.

5. When you get back, you will be ready for the Land of EVERYONENEEDSMOM. Be extra nice about everything, be nice to your husband, and maybe just maybe, no one will mind if you do it again!

For women who don't have this option, my heart goes out to you. Truly. I've been humorous in this blog, but I have so much respect for women who parent alone. I hope and pray for creative solutions for you. Maybe two moms can swap time with each others kids to allow alone time. This is an area we could perhaps be more sensitive to others. Maybe watch for moms who need time and offer services ourselves. Just a thought. Everyone is entitled to a little peace, quiet and rest. I'm thankful. And mentally wondering who I need to help.

Groundhog Day Mom Days?

"I think the most significant work we ever do, in the whole world, is done within the four walls of our own home." Stephen Covey

So many mom days can be full of ordinary "groundhog day" moments (if you remember that movie), but if we can tweak our perspective just a little bit and see how valuable ordinary days are, our outlook will begin to change.

You ARE where you're supposed to be, living the life you're supposed to live. What you do each day matters more than you realize. Try to look at the ordinary normal moments of each day as what they really are, LIFE. Life is a lot of normal moments all wrapped up together.

Don't let a world full of glitz and glamour distract you from the true glamour of a steady life well lived. What you do with each normal moment builds the life you will live.

Enjoy today's normal moments!

I love, love, love inspirational quotes! This beautiful book called "Love Life" is available through www.live-inspired.com. (They didn't even pay me to say that, I just love it!)

MIDDLE SCHOOL MADNESS!!

As the school bells prepare to ring once again, moms are busy everywhere bustling from store to store to buy clothes, uniforms, books and those inevitable Kleenex and ziplock donations. Preparing our blossoming kids for middle school.

Have you prepared yourself for middle school, Mom?

Maybe you've noticed it. Growing independence, face in the phone, wanting to go to the mall more often (without you). Sure signs of the impending teenage years. In my observations over the last few years, right before 6th grade is when moms start asking questions and seeking some guidance for the next phase of life. Questions like this, "HELP!!"

A few bullet points to get you started on this brave new journey:

1. Decide your stance ahead of time on the boy issue. First of all, learn the kids terms and what they mean. "Boyfriend" could mean "we now awkwardly avoid each other at all costs and only talk through friends" or it could actually mean "we go on dates alone and make out in the movie theatre on the weekends". Probably a few other meanings in between too. What's going to be allowed? Can your daughter text guys? Can she hang out with them? Do you care if she has a boyfriend? The subject will come up so decide ahead of time. Have dad involved too and listen to what he has to say. Talk to your daughter about the why's and why not's in whatever you decide.

2. Some places may not have to worry about this, but if you are in most public schools at least, prep your daughter how to handle inappropriate talk from boys. This infuriates me. Much that could actually be labeled "sexual harrassment" will be open talk at unbelievably young ages. Within earshot that she can't ignore. What should she do when guys talk all kinds of sexual talk to her or in front of her? No matter the school policy, my own kids have our permission to do whatever it takes to defend themselves or put an end to things. So far only a pencil bag used as defense has been broken. That won't be everyone's policy, but it's ours. I happily replaced the bag.

3. Prep her for mean girl drama. It will happen. She could be on either side of it. Or stuck in the middle. Talk her through the concept that "hurt people hurt people". It doesn't cure the pain but it gives perspective of motive that allows empathy. Encourage her to be one of the much needed heroes who stands up for weaker people. Role play with her possible solutions when hard situations arise. Give her a game plan. Encourage her that it takes two to tango and if you don't engage someone when provoked, the game ends. Only the other girl is left playing. Read "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons, "Girl Wars" by Cheryl Dellasega, or if you want a Bible based approach read "Mean Girls" by Hayley DiMarco.

4. Know that 6th and 7th grade can often be the hardest years. I think it's because they are at a transition stage where most still want to be young, but they are afraid to admit or show it because there is incredible pressure to be "old". For years I have asked 13 year olds if they would rather stay young or grow up. It is almost 100% unanimous- they want to stay young. They feel pressure to dress older, talk and act older, watch and know more. Tremendous pressure to look old and to have a boyfriend. These are the things they have told me at least. My suggestion is to keep them young as long as you can. Encourage acting their age, not like high schoolers. 6th graders still have a lot of teenage years to get through. If they are allowed to do it all in 6th or 7th grade, what is there to look forward to? Pace their teenage years. Think about all the freedoms teenagers will eventually have. Will you give all those out at age 13? What will they have to wait for? It's easier to extend waited for freedoms than to retract ones given too soon.

5. Decide on social media. When are they allowed to have Facebook, Twitter, etc? Know that middle school is potential for high level drama and if they have social media, problems can follow them home. It may be a relief to have a reprieve from people at home during any difficult phases.

Keep a good line of communication open. Be available. You will survive! Teenage years are so short in comparison to the rest of their lives. You stay strong and help them to stay true to themselves during this short time. It can be done!

A Post for College Freshman

Do you have a wonderful son, daughter, niece, nephew or friend heading off to college for the first time? After all that's been invested into them for 18 years, of course you want them to have the best experience ever for the next four years. Along with all the purchases, packing and clothes shopping, a little warning of how to be socially prepared for college life is a great add on to your list of to-do's. Especially for those heading to huge state colleges.

At a recent meeting at my house, 22 year old girl Britni Bersin shared candidly with a group of girls what she wished she'd known before entering college in Oklahoma. Much discussion followed with some great questions and insights from many. I'm just going to give you a touch of what was said and encourage you to forward this to any college freshman (or moms of) that you know!

1. Coming from a small conservative atmosphere, our Britni had an image that "only bad people party". This was busted when she realized awesome super fun really good people party too, which gave way to reconsidering partying may not be so bad after all. So she tried it and has some stories to share now that she wishes she didn't have. Her willingness to share was prompted by trying to save these girls some problems.

2. Mentality of college for the most part = PARTY. Girls may be thinking about guys with a "oooo I wonder what he's thinking" romantic mentality, but there is a 80+% chance that the guys are looking at you just wanting to score and move on. Be aware he's probably not thinking how "cute" your outfit is and what a great person you are. SORRY to the guys who aren't like that, we discussed that there really are good guys out there too, but no girl wants to be scored on and tossed aside. Screen your guys well. This concept can also be reversed obviously.

3. Though many campuses are "dry", there are many ways around it and people will party. And the "rules" are not followed in Co-Ed dorms.

4. The good news Britni gave is that you CAN have a positive experience in all of this. She watched two friends enter college and live a life with the positive public knowledge that "they don't drink or do drugs" but they still had a blast and were popular just being themselves. People respected their stand and confidence.

5. Britni's advice? Know yourself. If you know you're weak, surround yourself with good stronger people. Get involved in activities. If you know who are you, be yourself confidently and don't try to fit in to something you're not.

So lock your doors. Don't put your drink down where it can be messed with. Drive yourself places so you're not stuck somewhere you don't want to be. Don't live in fear, just in awareness. Have a blast and find good people to have good fun with. Study hard.

Lastly, for parents (and I guess college students if they want one more book to read) I highly recommend the book "Unprotected" by Miriam Grossman, M.D. A campus psychiatrist shares many current stories of life on her college campus and how many popular campus trends are hurting our kids. We need to be aware of what's going on, not to be scared, but to just be informed and able to help our kids through possible scenarios should they occur. Stay one step ahead! :)

Trust all that you put into them. And pray.

Praying Teens

This week I had a room full of teen girls at my house - some in high school, some entering college. All came for prayer time. One thing I love is the variety. Schools represented were OSU, Victory, Metro, Lincoln Christian, ORU and Union. At last month prayer meeting we also had Broken Arrow, Jenks and OU girls.

A friend of mine who helped pray spoke of how a "safe place" has been created for girls to come. I told her that spoke volumes to me because that was the original goal! Seven years ago, I wrote down my goals, one of them being "to create a community of friends, moms, and mentors who can guide girls safely through adolescence." That is just one thing that has happened in these few years.

Girls who have to be a certain "way" at school or who may be perceived in a particular fashion at school, can have a place to come where that is laid aside, and we are all just girls, working through life.

Our prayer team is comprised of women from their late twenties to early seventies. Prayer teams privately pray for each girl individually. Many times the prayer team has never met the girls, other times we know them quite well. Standard procedure is to pray and remain quiet until God shows us what to pray for. We don't ask questions or needs from the girls until later. It's always an adventure to see what God has to say to each girl.

It's common for girls to kinda be freaked out or scared of prayer meeting. For some reason many are afraid they are going to get a list of what's wrong with them. It's unfortunate that our church culture has often fed that fear, because that is not God's heart. What always happens is God tells them what He loves about them, or He brings up some secret awesome thing that is really meaningful, that the prayer team could not have known. So then God is seen as really personal and that He cares about those hidden things in her heart. He also often highlights the girls' gifts and confirms plans He has for them. He may say there are things to get rid of, but only in light of something so much better He has for them instead.

In a culture that constantly tells girls they aren't good enough, it is a privilege to offer an atmosphere where girls can come hear straight from their Heavenly Father what He loves about them. They leave lighter, freer, filled with hope, stronger.

(Women, if you need a night of prayer like this, I urge you to check out my friend Sheryl Kloehr's ministry at www.irefresh.net. See her facebook page called iRefresh Ministries. How we pray is modeled after iRefresh. Monthly meetings for women are offered in the Tulsa community.)

30 Seconds a Day

A man came home from serving overseas and saw the tremendous need among teens as he adjusted back to society. He asked a woman he knew how he could help mentor these teens. The lady answered he could make a difference in 30 seconds a day, by doing these 5 things, and it would be just as effective as volunteering for an organization:

1. When you pass them in public, make eye contact with an expression that shows you're glad they're on the planet!

2. Thank the teen by name who bags your groceries.

3. Say hello each day.

4. Congratulate them on first and lasts, like the first day of school.

5. Once you've made a connection, make sure they know your support is unending. They don't outgrow the support of adults who pay attention!

This comes from www.search-institute.org which is dedicated to discovering what kids need to succeed. Not everyone will volunteer for an organization, but the point is everyone can make a difference just in daily interactions. Teens often get a bad rap just because they're teens. What teens actually need is more people who believe in them. Let's turn that around, shall we?