Getting the Most Out of Middle School- Taya's Story

Jadyn Noelle Photography

Middle school is notorious for being a very hard three years and having just survived it, I completely agree.


Though it may be extremely hard at times, there are still countless amazing parts to it!


I think that three of the key things to having a successful middle school experience are relationships, staying true to yourself, and a relationship with God. My parents, God and my friends helped me through, and I left with only a few battle wounds. I think that if you focus on these three things, then it can be very fun and full of good memories.


Friends can make or break a school year. It's easy for middle schoolers to become so involved in only being friends with people that make them "look good". My closest friends have been the people I least expected to relate to. Over the past three years two of the most important things I have learned is to always get to know people for myself, and it’s good to have friends outside of school.

I can’t tell you how many times I listened to what people said about others, avoided that person, and then ended up becoming really close friends with them once I started talking to them myself. Sometimes people may judge you for who you’re friends with, but if you know in your heart that they’re good for you then you shouldn’t care what people say. It’s better to have friends you love and are happy with, rather than being with who may make you look good. I have a giant mixture of friends from all sorts of “groups”, and it’s so fun! But my two closest friends don’t even go to my school. It’s really nice to have a few people that aren’t involved in your school life. Long story short, get to know people yourself, accept everyone and don’t worry about what people think of your friends.

Possibly the biggest reason for drama at this age is dating. Guys are great friends. I have a lot of guy friends and it’s really fun. But the mistake that girls make is thinking that in middle school, making a friendship into a relationship will actually go somewhere. Remember this, you are thirteen, you aren’t getting married tomorrow and as my wonderful dad put it, “You can’t get bacon from a chicken, and you can’t get real romance from a middle school boy.” There is so much truth to that. I have had a million friends cry to me (more than once) about boyfriend issues. Save yourself the tears, and don’t do it. In middle school they make much better friends then boyfriends.

One of the hardest things about school is not becoming someone other than yourself. It’s hard, because everyone wants to fit in. You should never compromise who you are to be be “accepted”. It’s not worth it, because in the end if you can’t be yourself, then you won’t be happy. I know this.

There is a friend for everyone. Now if you’re disagreeing right now and saying, "No there aren't friends for everyone. No one talks to me,"  then I'd suggest you might be wrong. In seventh grade, I didn’t have any classes with any of my friends, and this was during my shy stage. Nobody talked to me, so I assumed that no one liked me. I found out later that since I didn’t talk to anyone, it caused people to think I didn’t want them to talk to me. But as soon as I became friends with one girl (we started talking about a book series and it went from there), I was able to start being myself more.  I became friends with her friends, and my year got better.

While I was quiet and didn’t talk to anyone, thinking that they wouldn’t like me, they just wanted me to open up, talk to them, and be myself. So even if you’re incredibly shy, just start with one person and introduce yourself. Don’t act like you like certain things just to have something to talk about. Stay true to who you are, and you will find friends. And if you have a hard time starting conversations, I find that giving a (genuine!) compliment can help start conversation. Again, do not change who you are just to make friends. If hanging out with them requires changing yourself, they’re probably not ideal friends.

My whole life I have not liked sunday schools, youth groups, large church gatherings and crowds of people. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus, I just don’t like large groups of people. But in sixth grade my parents forced me to go to a youth group, and over time I came to love it. This last year I alternated between three different youth groups, and can now tolerate large groups of people. The best part of it though, is that it truly helped me survive middle school.

I made a few fantastic friends there, and I’ve never been closer to God. I leave verses in my locker, or on my binders to help throughout the day. Also I started listening to worship music in the mornings before school rather than other music, and it helps put me in a good mood for the day ahead. So even if you think that youth groups aren't your thing, I highly suggest trying it out. There is no way I could’ve lived through middle school without it. And if you try it and really don’t like it, then at least find some strong Christian friends. One of my best friends actually isn’t a Christian, and I have many more that aren’t, but I still make sure to have good Christian friends who believe the same. For me it is vital to having a healthy life.

Yes, middle school has its downs, but it also has ups. It’s like a roller coaster. Whenever you go down a hill on a roller coaster, then you have to grip onto the bar, or else it feels like you’ll fly right out. During the downs of middle school, then you need friends, family, and God to hold onto. During the ups, then you'll have people to share it with. I have some great memories and yes there was hard times, but I still had fun. It’s definitely a learning experience, and one that I wouldn’t change. It made me a stronger person, and now I have learned things that I can use in high school.

Parenting in the Wilderness

Lucky for you, today's post is from my friend, Tracy Schaller.



Tracy and her husband, Mark both went to college with me way back when. In fact, I remember them like this:

Remember that guest post from my friend Lucy about Raising a Daughter with a Disability? Mark was the team leader for that missions trip that Lucy and I were both on. Not sure if Mark knew Lucy and I snuck out and raided the pantry, but oh well.

Mark and Tracy were dating during that summer that Mark, Lucy and I spent in Amsterdam. The days of receiving letters from back home were exciting, I do remember that. The funny thing is, I never really knew Tracy very well, just through Mark that summer. I know he adored her.  I didn't get to "know" Tracy well until Facebook this last year! Isn't that funny. There are some people you can get to know and relate to, when you find them posting things that you would post, you like the comments you see, common opinions are realized. Facebook is a funny thing, but it IS possible to get to know someone through it.

NOW, Mark and Tracy have 7 beautiful children, ranging in ages from 4-18. They have been married for almost 23 years. An amazing example of a great family.

I just had a feeling. I asked Tracy if she would share something on this blog. Usually I give people a direction, or theme. This time it was an open ended question. She responded with this beautiful devotional for parenting that she wrote. I will let it speak for itself. I'm sure it'll speak to you.

"Parenting…no one ever said it would be easy.  And if they did, they lied.  There are definitely different seasons in parenting – depending on the year, the month, the week, the day, the hour, the moment!  Often it seems like a mommy finds herself in the “wilderness season” more than she cares to be. 

Here you may feel hot (bothered, sweating, as in -"I don’t know what I am doing, I’m not even sure how we arrived here, and how do we get out – alive"), thirsty (for His wisdom, His knowledge, His understanding, His answers, His comfort…are you parched yet!?)  

At these times your children may feel like the desert animals – serpents and wild animals.  I think it is safe to say – we have all been there and have experienced that!!

The beautiful thing is that there is hope!!  Here are just a few reminders that just may help you during this season of wilderness mothering.

He knows your name and is calling…(Hagar heard Him call while in the wilderness – Gen 21:17-19 – He opened her eyes and she saw a well of water.  I’m so thankful that there is always a few places small springs of water rise to the surface and give enough moisture for growth.  May He open your ears to hear and your eyes to see.  His presence is near.  He is our living water – our oasis!!  He uses all for growth!

He wants us to simply be in fellowship with Him – abiding – resting – trusting, peaceful – not afraid.  Song of Songs 8:5 “Who is this coming up from the DESERT leaning on her lover?”   If we lean on Him – He promises to direct our paths.  It is He who is pouring living water in you and through you  (to help others find the Oasis – Jesus – in their mothering.)  This verse reminds me of my job – abiding – and His job – giving me strength. 

It reminds me that it is okay to look odd to this world in my mothering – they will eventually say and ask, “Who is this LOVER of hers?”  Oh, that is my heart’s cry…may they see Jesus.  My reactions during the wilderness season matters – others are watching!  The only way for me to be a terrific mom is my leaning on the Creator of my children!

Finally, I love His promise to mothers!!  Isa. 40:11  “He tends his flock like a shepherd.  He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young.”  Ponder it!!  Allow Him to be all this to you – this moment!


We all know that parenting isn’t for wimps.  “Keep Calm and Carry on”, my mommy friend. 

Lean on Him – abide, hope, rest, know His love, wait on Him….His promises are sure and true!"

Mom of 6 - As They Transition to Adulthood

Meet Karen. Karen and I had the fun of being friends back in college, as were our husbands. Karen and her hubby Terry got married soon after and are living a full adventurous life, raising 6 kids together (just 6 of their many adventures).

Karen and I lived on the same floor as freshman...aaahh, that fun freshman year. I believe we were both a little loud and possibly crazy, but I'll vote for her being even moreso...wonder how she would vote! When I remember Karen on the wing, I think of silly fun, animated talking and a clear New York accent. And quality. Very quality person. I can imagine she'd be a very fun mom! (I just searched for a picture of us from college, but lucky for you my picture organizational skills suffer).

We have only reconnected as adults through Facebook and then had the fun of seeing each other recently for the first time since college, at a friends wedding. I got to meet some of her beautiful girls! She also has a fun family blog called KOOL DAZE, following the full life of parenting a large family in her "free spirited, fun loving ways". You can find it at http://karennkool.blogspot.com/ Check out her blog, you'll enjoy!

I asked her to share 5 things she's glad she's done, looking back as her kids are quickly turning into adults. Here is what she shared, in her words. Enjoy!

"Parenting has been some of the most challenging, exciting, heartbreaking, frustrating, exhausting, but mostly rewarding adventures I’ve known. At this point I can say that I’ve actually been parenting for about half my life. I had my first baby when I was 23, and I’ve now reached the glorious age of 44 [gasp]. My sixth and last baby, Caleigh, recently turned 10 [double gasp]. Holy smokes, how did that happen so fast??

I am not disappointed to leave those infant, toddler, and preschool stages behind. The parenting challenges of those stages were so very different than the challenges of parenting teens and young adults. And quite frankly, I like the latter stages more. They have NOT been without MAJOR challenges--trust me when I say that. The pitfalls of teens and young adults have been just a bit more serious than say... finding poop smeared on the bedroom wall, or having to deal with a biting toddler. Ahhh, weren’t those the good ole days? I suppose I enjoy parenting more now because I’ve come such a loooong way in my personal growth as a parent. That and the fact that I journaled like crazy during my own high school and college years. Its helped me remember my own experiences and what the kids must be going through.

So, what are 5 things I am thankful I did in raising my kids, now that they are beginning to enter adulthood?

I’M THANKFUL I’VE LAUGHED A LOT--Its sheer delight to see that my kids have grasped the value and ability to laugh. In the Hochstedler home we all have a fairly good sense of humor. None of us are comedians, but we like to joke and have fun. We tend to hang out with people who laugh a lot, too. My kids crack me up all the time. Its pure joy. In our home, we think its especially important to be able to laugh at yourself because it breaks down self-righteous thinking and pride. We try to promote humility. Humility with a chuckle. Its especially fulfilling when we can look back on a bad situation and have a good laugh because its been walked through with success in the end. Having the ability to laugh about things helps my kids to not be afraid of having an honest look at themselves, especially when dealing with a difficult situation.

OPENNESS AND HONESTY is a big one. I can say this, my kids have a whole variety of levels when it comes to being open and honest with me. It all depends if they are trying to hide something--and we have gone through some heartbreaking times of dishonesty and rebellion--and sometimes they just need to vent a little. I can’t describe to you the joy that fills my soul when one of my kids finds a desire to open up to me. That’s when the honesty shows up, too. Its a double whammy, in a good way. It also means they are being honest with themselves. When they open up after a season of rebellious thinking, I don’t always like what I hear, but God gives me the grace to be patient, understanding and to be a good listener. Being genuine is really what it amounts to. “Don’t just say what you think I want to hear. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Be genuine. Say what’s really going on inside. Its the only way you will find your true destiny.” I put no value in keeping up an image to hide what’s really there. I really don’t care what other people think.

DEMONSTRATING COMPASSION has been key. I have spent a lot of time talking with my kids about situations that arise among their circle of friends and at school, as well as things going on at home or in the extended family. Some parents would never be as open with their kids as I am with mine. Its a personal choice. Its who I am. Of course, I use discretion, but its a great teaching moment when, in a frustrating circumstance, I can be able to clearly point out how someone’s behavior effects everyone. And how our own behavior has an impact as well. During these dialogues I can explain my stand on a matter in a non confrontational way and hopefully lead them to making better choices for themselves. Sometimes I’ll find one of my kids put off by my “assessment” of an incident. They will feel I’m being judgmental of their friends because I’m direct about my views. So I’ll try to find ways to reference that person during other conversations and demonstrate my own heart of compassion and understanding for them e.g. point out a bad behavior I disapprove of, but share that I understand reasons why their friend is struggling and what my hope is for that person. Time and again my kids have recognized where they are being judgmental which allows God to change their viewpoint. They gain the ability to disapprove of negative behavior but still have compassion for the person. That is a victory. (Two of my daughters have mentioned a desire to become a counselors. Go figure).

YAY FOR INDEPENDENCE. My kids have all learned the value of independence fairly early! I am not a mom who likes to wait on them (or anyone) hand and foot. NOPE! I like to have fun!! ha ha My husband learned to cook early on in our marriage and makes dinner about as often as I do. We both enjoy cooking, just not all the time. My kids have all learned how to do their homework independently, do laundry, cook, clean the house (although their definition of “clean” is debatable) travel, make money, do their own banking, etc. I refuse to do it all for everyone. It sounds selfish, but actually its been very good for my kids. They have a strong work ethic. Years ago, the boys took their first trip alone to NYC (2 hours away) by themselves at 14 and 15 years old. They made a few “memorable mistakes” during those adventures, which made me want to forbid them from every going again, but, alas, the foolishness was their learning curve for the next try. They are certainly unafraid to find their own way in new territory. I like that. My sons both have great jobs and have worked since they were 13. They wanted their own money, so we encouraged it. My two oldest daughters have great jobs during the summer and part-time work in the winter. The next daughter is thinking about where she can start working now. They make me proud.

IMPARTING THE ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT. My husband and I never allowed our increasing family size to keep us from being adventurous. For example, in 1993 we spent a month in India with our 2 yr old and 6 month old, heading up 4 teams of teenagers on a mission trip (my 2 yr old came back from that trip with a biting problem). Later we went to Dominican Republic on a mission with our 10 mo old daughter and several teens from the church. After that was Guatemala. I was 6 months pregnant for that one. In 2002, we moved our whole family to a completely different community for a year. The kids loved it. My husband and the boys started dirt biking and now its motorcycles. I’ve led my girls into the musical theater world. We all go to the slopes for boarding and skiing. Terry and I have taken many adventurous trips without the kids, too. We have to make them a little jealous and star-stuck at times. And now THEY are starting to take trips without us. Nate, 18 yrs old, recently took a 2-month trip to Costa Rica all on his own. He made some life-long friends and absolutely loved it. We, of course, had to visit him for his last week there. ;-)

Its so exciting and scary to watch each of the 6 kids struggle along and find their way into adulthood. Its amazing to see so much of Terry and me in them and we are certainly blessed to have so many tries at this parenting thing. Maybe we’ll get it right by the sixth one. Its a good thing they’re in God’s hands.


BTW, the 6th item I would have added to my list would be how our home has always had its doors open to many, many young people through the years. I have a lot more the six kids if you count the extra's we've treated as our own. Our kids have all the more siblings, I suppose. I'm just glad I don't have to pay for their college too.

(Jolene, their exchange student from Germany is to Karen's right, at Karen's son's graduation).

Pt. 2 - Mean Girl

Yesterday we left you hanging! Peep on over at Part 1 if you missed it before you read this post!

Middle School Mean Girl Turned Missionary- Pt 1

Britni had spent her entire 6th grade year being the mean girl, even into a portion of her 7th grade year...before things began to take a turn for the worse....

She was in a private Christian school where many kids ran around with smiles on their faces and "acted right" at the "right times", but were completely different behind the scenes. And we all know girls are pretty sneaky. They know how to appear innocent when necessary and still do damage to those around them, all while keeping a smile on their face!


In Britni's own words:
"Midway through our 7th grade cheer season, everything changed. A new girl decided to join the squad. She just transferred from a public school and she was gorgeous. Not to mention, just as cruel as we were. Being the new girl, she stirred curiousity from our peers. From myself, she stirred jealousy. I tried to protect what my friends and I had "built" for ourselves by gossiping about her and spreading around half true stories I had heard. But instead of joining in with me, my friends flocked to her. Needless to say, I was left once again, alone. Abandoned. Just like I felt from my parents divorce. I really hit a low point in my lost and festering emotions. I spent many times at school alone now, usually eating lunch in classrooms or bathrooms. Ellie stuck by me. It got so bad I decided to quit my private school and study at home for the rest of 7th grade year. I was so angry and hurt. I wanted nothing more to do with these people. I wanted nothing more to do with people in general. All they had proven to me was their capability to leave.

It was while I was at home that "the rumor" started. I began hearing comments from people regarding my sudden disappearance from school. Lies were being spread around that I was pregnant. They were whispering, gossiping, word vomitting all over me. ME! I was the gossiper, not the gossiped about! And yet, somehow, I had become the center of a vicious and degrading rumor mill for the first time in my life. Honestly, at the time I'm not even sure I completely knew how you get pregnant. My reputation took a beating. But this was the thing it took for me to take a real close look at myself for once. I had to swallow my pride and realize that they were now treating me how I had treated them. I was finally reaping the harvest from the seeds I had sown. Although I spent the remainder of my year feeling completely alone, I had started a process of growing up and allowing God to work on the mess of pain and filth hiding in my heart.

God began to bring across my path some wise individuals who spoke truth to me. One man once told me, "If you want a true friend, be a true friend." I pondered what that meant for me as I took this year at home to re-build. I also learned that it's okay to hurt, but you need to talk to someone about it. You can't deal with pent up emotions by yourself, otherwise you'll end up pouring out your wrath on others. So, as 8th grade finally came around, I gathered the courage I had gained and the lessons I had learned and headed back to school. That next year was easily one of the best school years I've ever had. And what's even greater? I gained true friends, many of which, especially Ellie, I've been close with to this day (a whole 8 years later)."

Insights: (not that these are correct actions or motives, these are observations of WHY)

1. It was because of Britni's jealousy that she lashed out at the new girl. Jealousy breeds drama.
2. In Britni's mind, the new girl threatened the friendship structure she had built with her friends, so Britni went into protective mode, trying to keep the new girl out.
3. Shallow friends abandon for the next new thing.
4. The friends she gossiped with, now gossiped about her.
5. It took something big for her to take a look at herself.

Now this story reads really quick and simple, but I know that the living out of these two years, especially the last one, was long and hard with much pain. She explained to me the reason her 8th grade year and on were so much better. She and some of the other girls had learned their lessons and made a decision to leave the drama behind, to change their ways. They stuck together. They split ways with those who continued to live in and create drama. That was key.

Britni is extremely remorseful for pain she caused. I offered to write this story anonymously, but she said no, she needed to "own" her past. Her hope is that girls may listen and recognize any behavior of their own that may need changing.

There is still more to come on this huge subject.

Helping girls understand the motives of why people act the way they do is key to 1) building empathy and 2) helping girls not internalize mean behavior toward them as if they are at fault. Generally, the mean ones are hurting inside so they bring hurt to others. The victims often wonder "what's wrong with them" and internalize the pain as if they themselves are at fault. It doesn't lessen the pain at all to understand why someone is mean to you, but it can help your mind understand the situation and know that it's not your problem, it's theirs.

We have to learn how to deal with bullying, to teach girls how to deal with it when it happens to them. I believe in confronting it, standing up for yourself and also standing up for others who can't seem to do it themselves.

Broaching that subject soon. Stayed tuned.