Phones and Social Media- Some Parents' Rules

Since my three recent posts, Dating Amongst Tweens, Dads Against Daughters Dating and At Some Point They Will Date, I've been thinking of the moms who do not have a husband at all to handle dating scenarios as they come up, and also those ladies who have a husband who is very hands off and unwilling in these matters.

I don't want to leave you out or leave you feeling discouraged that for whatever reason, your teens don't have a dad to enforce what you wish. Doing that alone is hard work. The answer to that dilemma is not easy. To be both roles yourself, or to find a father figure that your teen will listen to.

Through conversations I had with dads for those blog posts, some tips came up that might be valuable. I'd like to offer these out to everyone, but especially to moms in this situation. These tips can be used very well by dad or mom. In fact, in our house I enforce a lot of these myself, and just leave the big stuff to my husband. These are some steps that are helpful that will probably occur before dating even starts, so having some standards in place early on is helpful.


Here are some thoughts:

Our 16 year old daughter always has to ask us if a boy wants to be her "friend" on Facebook and we have to approve. She can not ask a boy to be Facebook friends first. She is not allowed to chat boys on Facebook either, unless she's related to them, or we know them very well. :)

We told our kids that they can't just give out their phone numbers willy nilly.

I've told my girls the benefit of giving out a google phone number instead of their cell phone number. With a google number, you can block people that you wish you hadn't given your number to or ever have a problem with. But the calls will forward to your real cell phone number. 

In middle school, my daughter is not allowed to give her number to boys, therefore she can't text them either. She can ask me about certain guys and if I approve it, I get their number also, so I have a list of boys numbers that are approved and who they are.

We do random phone and contact checks to see who they are talking to. I know sometimes kids "hide" people in their phone by listing them under someone else's name. My kids have to be ready to answer for everyone in their phone.

I don't let my kids "friend" anyone more than a couple of years older than them of the opposite sex unless it's a good family friend we know well. There's nothing to gain by them "getting to know" a guy or girl that much older.

We don't allow friending adults without asking us first. Has to be approved first. Teachers or coaches don't get cell phone numbers either. (We personally had this understanding too-my daughter was told if an adult asked for a cell number, to just give them mine.)

I reserve the right to have my kids "defriend" or "unfollow" people if I don't like what I see. If they want to stay on social media, that's part of it.

Much of  teens communication comes through these channels before dating ever starts, so having boundaries here in cell phones and social media is a good precursor to handling dating issues later.



 

What Do Our Lives Communicate?

Photo credit: Jadyn Noelle Photography

So I got a little distracted from this series by a personal issue and a current event but now, let's finish up thoughts on how today's communication has changed for all of us, especially teens!

Part One- Gone are the Days discusses the girls meeting I held where we went over all the communication problems now caused by texting conversations, instead of face to face communication.

Part Two- Distracted Relationships reveals that we adults too have been sucked in to the myriads of technology...enough to irritate our own kids at times.

So.  There are vast amounts of ways we communicate now. It used to be a hello and a handshake, or a handwritten, sealed, stamped letter that took days to arrive.

Now it's phonecalls, emails, texts, Skype-ing, Face Time and Instant Messaging. Just to name a few!

But many are the ways we may not be as aware of, that speak volumes about us too! And people are watching. Some things that have become normal for today's teen culture are fine, when considered and thought out ahead of time. Some things I don't consider fine. These are worth a conversation with teens.


We communicate through BODY LANGUAGE-

Tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, body language. These all contribute toward gaining true understanding of what a person is communicating. Is your friend rolling her eyes while talking to you or really paying attention to what you're saying? What does your body language say when you speak to friends?

Remember that when communicating through phone or social media, you're missing out on all these crucial elements of understanding true meaning. Many misunderstandings happen this way.

As a teen, can you hold a conversation with an adult? Can you shake hands firmly and look in the eye?

We communicate IDEAS everyday-

Whether we realize it or not, this is true. Do we pause to think about this? What ideas does your life communicate? 

Please stay with me through this thought. When talking to girls, I asked "What is your first thought of a girl who goes through lots of boyfriends in school?"  What does that communicate to you? And reverse it, what about boys who go through lots of girlfriends?

Your mind can come up with possible answers.  Not that the thought is accurate, and we are not encouraging judging people. I'm just pointing out that as humans, we cannot help but have an initial reaction or opinion to people's behavior. We may be able to work past that initial reaction and say to ourselves, "Well maybe that isn't true, I shouldn't judge". Hopefully so.  But let's face it, many people, especially in younger teen years, don't do that. It takes maturity. What we do affects what people think about us. And us of them. Right or wrong. Actions communicate.

Let's help our kids to think through initial thoughts of others, giving benefit of the doubt, not judging, yet being aware. And offering the forgiveness we all need continually. By the same token, help your teen realize that others are forming thoughts of them, right or wrong, and others may not be giving your teen the benefit of the doubt. It's important to communicate beyond initial impressions.

We communicate ideas about ourselves through PICTURES-

In today's picture obsessed world, this deserves alot of consideration.

Here is a wonderfully happy college girl like that I know. My daughter's roomie.  What does her picture communicate about her? By the way, this is how she looks most of the time! She is all flowers and sunshine to everyone she meets. It's just her. This picture reflects who she is.

During a girls meeting, I pulled up a random girl on Facebook that it took me awhile to find. No, I didn't know her, but half of the little square profile pic was her chest busting out of her rather small top.  Quiiiite a bit of cleavage shall we say.

I showed the picture to the girls. "What are your first thoughts? What do you think of her? What is she communicating about herself?" They obviously came up with answers. "Why do you think those things" is such an important question. She put her chest out there and that drums up alot of opinions, like it or not. It's human nature to have an opinion. So if you put your chest out there, odds are you'll drum up the same assumptions from others. Pictures communicate.

Consider the pictures you share and post on social media, or text to people. What are you communicating about yourself? Is it consistent with the image that you want others to have of you? If it is, great! Fabulous! If not, it's a good thing to think about.

It's way too common for kids to text underwear or naked pics to people. If you were to receive one of those, (heaven forbid), what does that communicate to you about the person who sent it? If you have sent one, what is the message you're trying to convey? Is that how you want to be thought of? Why?

I think we know that teen to early twenty years are pretty much known for silly, not well thought out behavior. I tell girls today they are the first generation that really don't have the luxury of not thinking first (unfortunately). If you take a pic, or someone takes it of you, there's not much to stop it from getting posted online, or sent to someone, whether you want it to or not.

Pictures live forever now. It used to be we could tear them up, destroy the negative. (yes, negative).  Now a picture is almost eternal! Let's be smart about it.


We communicate daily by CHOICE OF WORDS- 

Picture someone you know who always has something nice to say. They are well spoken, mannered, full of nice words. What do they communicate to you about themselves?

For those that are fellow fans of old movies, think about how classy and fun ladies were in the old Doris Day movies. Or Audrey Hepburn. Ladies were classy, well spoken.

What's fairly common in some circles today? For some girls to greet each other with "What's up b**ch?"  What does that communicate? It's a far stretch from the fun Doris Day days!

I remember being fresh out of college and getting one of my first jobs as a receptionist. A co-worker immediately didn't like me and passively called me a b*tch as she worked away next to me. I got up, went to my bosses office and said "I"ll not be working with someone so unprofessional and I won't be called a b*tch". Boss lady called us both in and we all had it out. I don't mind working with people who use language, but not directed at me. She never did it again, and we became friends.  In fact, one day when I was horribly sick at home alone in my apartment, she was the one who came and delivered medicine to me.

Another one, the EFF word is becoming way too common, with WTF and FML. If you don't know what those mean, ask a teenager. They all know. Because of texting, I'm afraid it's even more common with kids who normally wouldn't talk like that out loud. But they may type or text it.

Even if they don't say the words but text them all the time, does that make it different? That's up to you.

How you come across to people will either earn you respect...or not.

For those who are Christians, we talk about the difference between following culture just because it's culture, or following Scripture.  If culture says it's normal to send naked pics, should we do it?

We DO know.

Everyone has an internal measure. You know where the line is. Would you say certain things to your grandma or your pastor? Can I lead a girls meeting using the EFF or B word?

People know when to "clean it up" because we just internally know. Everyone would straighten up in front of the Pope. Why? People recognize certain behavior as wrong in front of someone "holy", for lack of better word.

It could be a fun exercise to pay attention to yourself for the next few days and try to see what others might see in what you do.

Discussion Starter with your teen: Go through each of the topics above and ask for their opinion on what they see at school on a daily basis. Hear out their opinions. For Christians, try and decipher what is just culture and okay, or what parts of culture contradict what Scripture teaches.

Thanks for staying with me. That was long!

Distracted Relationships

So yesterday we looked at how communication has sure changed...and it now has some hazards added, with texting, social media and diminishing social skills.

I've heard girls say they have been disappointed with friends who ignore them while they're together, just spending time on their phones or computers instead.

I personally notice our culture's obsession a lot in the waiting room. Everytime I sit in the orthodontist's office, I notice how no one acknowledges each other (not that we necessarily would anyway) and instead are all looking down at our phones. Me included sometimes, then other times I force myself to read instead, just to buck the trend.


Have you seen the funny commercial of all the people in the carpool texting instead of talking?

You can catch it right here  for a giggle!


But at our girls meeting, why did the room get mysteriously quiet when I mentioned how moms and especially grandmas I've talked to feel when their family is present, but on their phones instead of talking?

Is it less offensive when we are the holder of the phone and not the ignored one? I have to catch myself at this too! (daily)  It's truly addictive to have all of these devices!!

I told them about things I've heard grandmas tell me - how sad it is when everyone gets together and they're all on computers or phones. One grandma said her granddaughter asked her to move because "she was blocking the DVD". Grandma was just putting her in the carseat of the van at the time! Another mom lamented that company all came over but were on 3 different computers in the same room.

One girl said her grandma makes her put her phone down when she picks her up from school because it's Grandma Time. Go grandma!

My own mom told my kids to put their phones up over break, which they promptly did. Go Grandma! (I do practice this, it was during a time not much was going on, but then when Grandma joined us, put 'em up!)

I encourage grandmas to speak up when family is at your house. I don't mind. We've just slidden into laziness.  We all need to pay more attention to this.

THEN, the ouch. I have heard this so many times, but girls mention how aggravated they are when it's Mom on the technology when the teen wants to talk! Often roles are reversed!

When I first read this, and heard girls talk, I began paying attention to myself and realized with regret I was on mine too much. Even if it's doing business, paying bills or returning emails (all possible on the phone), it takes away from what's important.

Decide to notice your own behavior. Ask your kids what bothers them. Hey, this is a personal battle too. If a teen wants to talk, we'd be silly to be too busy. And if you have a little one at home, hoping one day they'll still want to talk to you as a teenager, practice undistracted attention right now. It's got to be in place before the teen years hit.

There is an interesting article about this, "Distracted Parenting" from CNN last summer.  It's worth the three minutes it'll take to read. Here's a quote to tickle your curiousity:

"The problem is, my kid sees me with that phone and doesn't think about all that real world stuff. She doesn't give me a pass. In that moment, she might believe my phone is more important than she is."


Basically, let's go back to the old days and imagine how people interacted before phones. It doesn't mean you can't bust out a phone occasionally to show a hilarious you tube clip, it just means be aware, be courteous. Don't let it be present all the time. YOU be present all the time.

If you see me doing this, remind me please.

Gone are the Days of "May I speak to ___ please?"

Tweet. Add. Follow. Creep. Stalk. Comment. Like. Send. Rate.

Communication.  It's changed. Right?

From the old days of a giant phone strapped to the wall with a spirally cord.  We had to actually stay in one place (in the house none the less) to talk. There was ONE NUMBER for the entire family. "Special- amazing- LUCKY kids may have a second phone line installed in the house for them. (gasp!)

AND we had to answer the phone with manners when it rang. "Yes, just a moment please." And when we called friends. "May I speak to so and so? This is ___".

Then came cell phones, then texting, then MySpace (thank God that's pretty much out), then Facebook, then Twitter and Tumblr. And on and on.

Echoing in my head are the voices of SO MANY high school and college aged girls  (and some moms of girls who have heard the same) who have lamented about boys who don't seem to know how to talk face to face. Like they are hiding behind technology. Too afraid to approach them in person. So instead the guys send a Facebook message as an icebreaker. Or ask girls out by text. Let me add that this is in 1,2,3,4,5 different states I'm talking about. One state didn't seem to have the problem. I can't share which, without ratting out the source, so you'll have to wonder.

The girls are not impressed.  I would sooooo love to hear the guy's side of this!! (Moms of boys, please comment!!)

On another note: Friendships among girls are affected by these new forms of communication too! At a recent girls meeting, this was the topic of our conversation. 

I want to highlight just a few things discussed among these girls. These might be great conversation starters for you and your teen!

1.  I didn't have to come up with examples, because girls read me hilarious conversations straight off of their phones of all kinds of misunderstandings via text. 

Texts don't allow any kind of normal communication skills to take place. In person, we hear the voice of the person, hear mood and expression, word inflections, which words are emphasized, see their facial expressions, hear the tone of their voice.

Texting can be so misunderstood. Ex. I didn't say you're stupid.  I DIDN't say you're stupid.  I didn't SAY you're stupid. I didn't say YOU'RE stupid. I didn's say you're STUPID. .

One sentence could be interpreted 5 different ways on a text.

Before you jump to conclusions, pick up the phone and call the person at least. Have a conversation.

2.  Therefore the girls decided it's best not to have important conversations, or fights, over text because it's too complicated with all the possible misunderstandings.

3.  All the girls had experienced this- Disappointment when they get together with a friend and that friend spends the entire time on her phone, or on facebook, or texting other people.

So much rudeness! We need to have some phone ettiquette in place.

The actions of that friend communicated, even though she didn't actually SAY words.  How?

I asked the girls what that communicates to them. The answer? "That they would rather be with that other person than me. That I'm boring them. They don't want to be with me."

Please have a conversation with your child about this. So many do this. Manners.

4.  Girls reported being kinda paranoid about texts received because they couldn't tell the tone of the text, simply because of lack of (or too much) punctuation.


Example-  I text someone. They send back "Hey!!" (they are excited to hear from me). What if they text back "hey". No punctuation. If two or three texts come across like that, I may start to wonder "are they mad at me? what's wrong??"  Silly, but real.

5.  Here's a bad one. Almost everyone had seen (or done) this- people texting someone ACTING like they were someone else. Boy, if that isn't a way to get in trouble.

But it's true, when you receive a text, there is no absolute guarantee that that text is from the person you think it is. Because you can't see them.

Because all of these girls knew of that situation happening, the odds are it happens alot. I've seen girls do this so I know it's common.

Gotta be careful.

I text. Daily. I'm not against texting!

But we have to see that all these new forms of communication require with it some guidance along the way.

Do you agree??!

MORE TO COME tomorrow on this topic. Stay tuned!!

How Social Media Affects Friendships

Recently I listened to a group of high school girls discuss the pros and cons of social media and how it affects friendships (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr). I'm also mixing in a few opinions I've heard from middle schoolers over the months too. Not really giving my opinions here, just passing along what girls have said.  My hope is that this will give you some content for thinking through the social media issues and will provide discussion starters with girls.


Ok, there ARE some PROS! I have to admit that too, because I love many things about Facebook.

Photo credit : Pinterest for iPhone


their PROS

Meeting up with old friends
staying in touch with friends you normally wouldn't get to
sad posts from girls give awareness of what needs are out there
it's a way to encourage friends- you can write nice things to them
it's fun
you can creep on people
you can investigate and check out people you don't know well
post fun pictures


Here are their CONS.

one was at a place with a lot of new people all in one area, and instead of meeting and talking with each other, everyone was on their phones.

girls post pictures of themselves then say things like "oh this is so ugly", to get compliments.

promotes jealousy.  you see pictures of other friends doing things together that you weren't invited to.

friends get mad seeing that you did things with other people too that they weren't in on.

some always post negative posts to get attention.

some take it too seriously and always have a long commentary and opinion on why they may not agree with something, instead of being lighthearted.

easier to be critical

people have the guts to say what they wouldn't say in person

we judge people entirely by their profile

if someone leaves an awkward post on your wall, you either have to leave it there, or risk offending them by deleting it.

someone may post pictures of you that you don't want and you can't do anything about it.

boys hide behind facebook sometimes, initiating conversation through messages instead of being brave enough to talk to you in person.

girls will post pictures that they look the best in, not caring as much how good or bad their friends look.

school drama follows you home when you have facebook.

when you get together with friends and they want to do is creep online instead of actually doing something fun

when get together with friends and they just stay on their phone on facebook and don't pay attention to them. rude.


Other observations-

you used to be able to politely keep a secret who you invite and don't invite to events, but now anyone can post pictures about everything, so it's harder to keep it a secret.  If you had a party and your mom only let you invite 8 people instead of the 20 you wanted, and it wasn't your choice,  now it looks rude if your friends post pictures.  Friends feelings can be hurt even though you wanted them there.

some girls don't take down pictures that others ask them to remove. there's nothing you can do.

i know mean stuff happens between girls on facebook that they may not be brave enough to do in person.

girls have observed things written on social media that give glimpses into girls lives that look VERY different from the persona they portray at school

My only suggestion for now...Consider with care the decision whether or not to let your teen use social media in middle school, because this seems to be the years when most drama happens.  Teens are still developing their identity at this age and may need to be protected from some of the harmful sides of social media. If they do use it in middle school, keep a close eye on what they do.

It's a privilege, not a right.

Wanna Know Girls Thoughts on Friendships?

October is anti-bullying month. We've got some great things coming up on that subject, a real life story to share, but I want to start out with some real thoughts on friendships, from recent meetings held with local teen girls.

After years of meeting with teen girls talking about life issues, loneliness is one common theme that has never changed, no matter the age or the different group of girls I'm talking to. Girls can tend to be lonely. As busy as we are, it's an interesting thought! A middle schooler this weekend said "That's why girls want to have a boyfriend". Another said that girls you'd never expect sometimes post things on Facebook or Twitter declaring loneliness. Loneliness may be partly due to the fact we are made with such a great capacity for relationship. Learning what to do with that need for relationship is helpful.

Girls often say with sadness how they rarely have time to get together with so many friends they really enjoy. We talked of the need for relationship and friendship, how crucial it is. Our lifestyles sometimes make us so busy, they definitely feel stress at young ages, but does the primary need for good relationships get squeezed out? Good friendships are part of what eleviates stress in our lives. Are we making time for people? It's something to consider. It seems a constant battle for all of us, adults too. I know I can relate!

It is helpful to let girls know that occasional loneliness is relatively normal and they aren't the only ones that feel that way. So often we do feel like "the only ones" who feel a certain way. Oh, I'm normal?! What a relief! Sometimes just knowing that helps. It may be a surprise to learn some girls feel this way at all. Not all do, but it may be helpful to bring it up sometime and see if the girls you know can relate.

When we do have that great fun time with friends, it's so important who we hang out with. Friends influence us one way or another. At our last two meetings, girls have had to think through what character traits are important to them in friendships.

A group of 8th graders individually write down the 5 most important character traits they wanted a close friend to have. Then as a group they had to unanimously agree on just 3 of those traits as the most important. This was a difficult task which led to very interesting discussion!

After a lively debate, we finally realized narrowing down to 3 would be impossible before moms arrived to pick up girls to go home. These girls had lots of thoughts and compelling arguments! So the final 5 they could agree on as tops were: honesty, trust, Christian, fun, and a friend who listens. Each had their own personal top 3, that weren't necessarily the same as others, which is totally fine. It wasn't a right or wrong answer, just an exercise to think through what traits a good friend should have.

Lastly, looking in the mirror is necessary (but definitely not quite as fun), as we ask ourselves, am I displaying those qualities that I seek from others? This question solicited a couple of groans and sheepish looks....but teaching girls to consider their own behavior will give them life long skills they'll need for good relationships.


Random thoughts girls have shared this month-

1. I want a friend who listens to me. Some girls want to talk about their problems all the time, but get annoyed when I want to talk about mine.
2. I want a friend who isn't a downer all the time. If someone is negative a lot, I feel it pulling me down with them.
3. I want a friend who really wants to be with me. I don't want to be their back up plan.
4. I have alot of people tell me their problems. I have to make sure I don't get burdened down trying to take care of everyone's problems.
5. "Oh no..." when asked to think about how they themselves are acting toward others...indicating the need to examine self is definitely needed! :) haha... who can't relate to that?!

Discussion starter: When girls you know, daughter or otherwise, are talking about friends, ask what it is they enjoy about that person. Just listen. This can help her think through what traits are important to her in relationships.

Sometimes the opposite approach works too. If she is having friendship problems, recognizing what that friend is doing that hurts her, helps her to see the positive quality that friend may be lacking.

Pt. 4 - Making a Difference!

After 3 days of the issues, today is the hope!

This 5 part series on the early sexualization of girls was kicked off with the recent Toddlers and Tiaras episodes that have made national news; then we moved on to how marketing ploys push girls to grow up too fast on purpose; day three was a 7 year old's disappointed observations about her favorite comic strip heroine, "re-done" into a new sexier character (who did more posing than adventurous feats).

Today I want to tell you about some great people that are working to change all of these things.

On a day to day basis, we don't really hear too much about girl issues or organizations committed to them. But thanks to internet and twitter, it's been a pleasant surprise to find out about efforts being made all over the country to combat these cultural issues.

So today I'd like to introduce you to my fabulous new finds. These are great people fighting to help girls grow up well in this culture. Please take a moment to check out their websites and see the great works they are doing!

BEAUTY REDEFINED- http://www.beautyredefined.net/

photo credit: www.beautyredefined.net

Among the many other great things they do, a billboard campaign has started in Utah where they are based. Check out their website or facebook page to see the other billboards too! Website fabulousness- revealing advertising photoshopping that leads to false "perfect beauty" ideals, combatting pornography becoming mainstream in media and advertising and how that negatively affects all of us, men and women alike.

7 WONDERLICIOUS - http://www.7wonderlicious.net/

Great website for moms of little girls. They speak to the issue of how our culture's early sexualization of girls affects girls at younger ages. YES, I have heard of girls as young as 5 being told they looked fat, and it is very commonplace now in grade school for girls to be weight conscious. CHECK OUT this website for info on helping your daughter deal with those struggles.

DOVE BEAUTY (yes, the soap company) - Click on the links below to watch videos Dove has made to promote real beauty, not the photoshopped kind. (I still believe in makeup FULLY lol). There are plenty more if you google or youtube (just be aware there are lots of "parodies" on youtube also. Make sure it's a real Dove video).

Some favorites are:

Beauty Pressure

Case Study: Dove Campaign For Real Beauty 'Amy' (you will sigh and aaaahhhhh)

Time-lapse beauty / Dove evolution commercial

MEG MEEKER, M.D. - http://www.megmeekermd.com/ "The Wisdom of a Pediatrician, the Heart of a Mother". I have used Meg Meeker's books to teach girls from. She has a great website full of parenting advice, videos with encouragement and advice, and great advice for older teens and college age girls.



TURN IT AROUND - Facebook Group (if you do a search for it, the group logo is a Cosmopolitan magazine with a red line through it).

This is a group my girls and I started a year and a half ago. After years of covering eye level magazines from my girls view at check out stands, wishing they wouldn't display magazines like that, but not having time or energy to take on the whole publishing business, we had a great idea. The Turn It Around Campaign. If you see a magazine that you find offensive for women, or that young kids don't need to see, just turn it around in the rack.

A facebook page was created, lots of fabulous people joined and we started getting messages of people turning magazines around! Men too! Facebook is in the process of archiving groups, but as far as I can tell you can still join it! It's time to revive those efforts !

Watch the video some local girls made of turning magazines around. (They were trying to get on the Tyra show!)

FINALLY, to be fair, this whole sexualization in media affects boys too. Below is another link to a Dove video that shows the photoshopping of male models. It's only fair to point out to girls that their "ideal guy" may not exist, just like his "ideal girl" may not exist, looks-wise. Starts out kind of slow, but by the end you'll get the point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_I17cK1ltY

There is much hope and goodness in our culture and that is the part we need to focus on. There are many young people, boys and girls alike, who are living apart from this "ideal" that media tries to create. It's possible to be different! Having a strong identity and teaching kids to think through what they see allows them to discern media messages for themselves. That is what we need to be able to do.

MIDDLE SCHOOL MADNESS!!

As the school bells prepare to ring once again, moms are busy everywhere bustling from store to store to buy clothes, uniforms, books and those inevitable Kleenex and ziplock donations. Preparing our blossoming kids for middle school.

Have you prepared yourself for middle school, Mom?

Maybe you've noticed it. Growing independence, face in the phone, wanting to go to the mall more often (without you). Sure signs of the impending teenage years. In my observations over the last few years, right before 6th grade is when moms start asking questions and seeking some guidance for the next phase of life. Questions like this, "HELP!!"

A few bullet points to get you started on this brave new journey:

1. Decide your stance ahead of time on the boy issue. First of all, learn the kids terms and what they mean. "Boyfriend" could mean "we now awkwardly avoid each other at all costs and only talk through friends" or it could actually mean "we go on dates alone and make out in the movie theatre on the weekends". Probably a few other meanings in between too. What's going to be allowed? Can your daughter text guys? Can she hang out with them? Do you care if she has a boyfriend? The subject will come up so decide ahead of time. Have dad involved too and listen to what he has to say. Talk to your daughter about the why's and why not's in whatever you decide.

2. Some places may not have to worry about this, but if you are in most public schools at least, prep your daughter how to handle inappropriate talk from boys. This infuriates me. Much that could actually be labeled "sexual harrassment" will be open talk at unbelievably young ages. Within earshot that she can't ignore. What should she do when guys talk all kinds of sexual talk to her or in front of her? No matter the school policy, my own kids have our permission to do whatever it takes to defend themselves or put an end to things. So far only a pencil bag used as defense has been broken. That won't be everyone's policy, but it's ours. I happily replaced the bag.

3. Prep her for mean girl drama. It will happen. She could be on either side of it. Or stuck in the middle. Talk her through the concept that "hurt people hurt people". It doesn't cure the pain but it gives perspective of motive that allows empathy. Encourage her to be one of the much needed heroes who stands up for weaker people. Role play with her possible solutions when hard situations arise. Give her a game plan. Encourage her that it takes two to tango and if you don't engage someone when provoked, the game ends. Only the other girl is left playing. Read "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons, "Girl Wars" by Cheryl Dellasega, or if you want a Bible based approach read "Mean Girls" by Hayley DiMarco.

4. Know that 6th and 7th grade can often be the hardest years. I think it's because they are at a transition stage where most still want to be young, but they are afraid to admit or show it because there is incredible pressure to be "old". For years I have asked 13 year olds if they would rather stay young or grow up. It is almost 100% unanimous- they want to stay young. They feel pressure to dress older, talk and act older, watch and know more. Tremendous pressure to look old and to have a boyfriend. These are the things they have told me at least. My suggestion is to keep them young as long as you can. Encourage acting their age, not like high schoolers. 6th graders still have a lot of teenage years to get through. If they are allowed to do it all in 6th or 7th grade, what is there to look forward to? Pace their teenage years. Think about all the freedoms teenagers will eventually have. Will you give all those out at age 13? What will they have to wait for? It's easier to extend waited for freedoms than to retract ones given too soon.

5. Decide on social media. When are they allowed to have Facebook, Twitter, etc? Know that middle school is potential for high level drama and if they have social media, problems can follow them home. It may be a relief to have a reprieve from people at home during any difficult phases.

Keep a good line of communication open. Be available. You will survive! Teenage years are so short in comparison to the rest of their lives. You stay strong and help them to stay true to themselves during this short time. It can be done!

It Starts So Young...

“I’d like to maybe have a baby girl one day (said with smile), but you know (as if sharing universal knowledge), when they’re teenagers…..” (fade out, with voice of dismay). I guess I was to imagine my own ending to that sentence. A young married girl said this to me just days ago, echoing thoughts I’ve heard before.

But girls don’t have to be scary to raise! I know many FAB teenage girls! Just start young. Begin with the end in mind. What kind of girl do you want your daughter to be when she’s older? Raise her now with that result in mind. It’s never too young to teach life lessons. In fact, the earlier the better! (And pray a lot).

Life lessons started early at our house! 5 funny stories I recall, all of which happened when my girls were 4 years old or less.

(boys) The quest for a husband -My daughter, at 3, (pictured above) packed her little Lillian Vernon suitcase, which grandma had embroidered with her name, and said she was going on a journey to find a husband. So cute in her pursuit, I simply told her, "Well honey, your husband is supposed to find you. You don't need to search for him." Somewhat appeased, she said, "Well I'll just sit here and wait then." She and her Lillian Vernon bag waited on the porch for awhile, but she quickly got bored and went to play again. That seems to be the last time she was worried about it!

(character/integrity) Driving around our hometown one day, the kids asked to eat out. I said, "Remember girls, daddy and I told you we are starting our own business right now, and may have to spend a little less money for awhile?" Silence. Then after a few seconds, the ponderous child in the back said, "Mommy, can't we just steal the food and repent later?"

(gender confusion) One of my girls, in a particularly appreciative moment, walked up, put her arm around my shoulder and said, "Mommy, you're a good man."

(media choices) My youngest got to tag along to an outing to see "Princess Diaries" at the movies. Being the most "grown up movie" she'd seen, she paid a lot more attention at age three than I thought she would, proven by the fact she climbed over the theatre seats to whisper to me, "Mommy, I don't want to rent the Goofy movie anymore. I want this one with all the boys in it!"

(spirituality) One daughter asked one day, "Has a girl ever died on the cross?" Before I could even answer, thank goodness, she settled her own mind with a quick, "No, it wouldn't look nice...with men it's a little better!"

I share those in jest and humor, though they are real! As years have gone by, life training isn't always so easy or cute, but still so necessary, and so DAILY, coming up at unexpected times. I encourage you to write those funny things down as they happen, you will definitely laugh over them years later!

Stay tuned for some great insights from ladies who have raised girls. I'm interviewing moms who have walked this road and are willing to share their insights with those of us still in the trenches! I'm asking each lady, "What are 5 things you're glad you did raising daughters?"

Also working on follow up content from our first mean girl story, From the Heart of a Teen Girl. THANK YOU for all the blog support you sent our way! If you “like” the Facebook page,

5 Things, you’ll be subscribed to all of our posts.

I’m talking to many ladies and girls behind the scenes, getting some great stuff ready for you!

From the Heart of a Teen Girl

I had a whole introductory blog planned and written, but in extraordinary timing, I received a message from a teen girl, Imani, telling me her story regarding mean girl drama. Imani is a relative of mine in another state. With her permission, I'm sharing it with you, in her own words. There's no better way to start this blog. It is because of these real issues that 5 Things was created.

"So I sat down to write everything out last night, and it really made me sad, mostly because I have such great female friends now who just build each other up, and encourage me to be better, but there are so many girls who don't know what that feels like, and that simply saddens me.
When I went through some of my mean girl situations most of them boil down to looks, and the way I speak/carry myself. Not good at all, but those are the easiest things to critique and be rude about.

In fourth grade there was a girl who was pretty, blonde, and VERY thin. She used to talk about how skinny she was, and wear short shorts that my mother would never (even today) let me wear, and I was a bit jealous. Our birthdays were days apart, and she would make hers bigger and better than mine. She would tell people that she would never talk to them if they didn't go to her party, and she would exclude me just so I would have a party where not many people showed up. She made me feel less than good about myself. But I also felt badly for her because her parents were getting divorced, and she didn't seem happy about it (like any normal girl) and she was always BEGGING for attention.

In Middle School, I was homeschooled and encountered the most painful Mean Girl in my history. She was very very manipulative. To adults she was nice, and to everyone else she was admired. When I came to our Homeschool Co-Op, she started to tell people that I was trash, lie about me ruining property or saying mean things so everyone would be mean to me and exclude me from their events and activities. When I told my mother, she had a sit down with me, the girl, and a boy who she had told to be mean to me. The boy apologized, and was pretty nice to me after the meeting, but the girl never apologized, kept spreading rumors, and her mother didn't interfere at all. She even got her little sister to be rude to my little sister, calling her fat, and ugly, which I just thought was wayyy beneath the belt.
Those were the two biggest situations, but I have many small stories of girls who talk about the way I speak and the way I dress, but those don't bother me as much because I have family and friends who build me up. If I didn't, I don't know where I'd be.
I also know that the shows like Real Housewives... are creating an image of women that is not cool, or fabulous, but just dramatic and catty. When girls say things like "This is why I don't hang out with girls; there's too much drama." It makes me sad because it's not true. I have very little drama with girls I'm close to because we love, and support each other. Why aren't there more shows like Gilmore Girls where they hold each other up, and help each other reach for their dreams? It's because it's not as "entertaining" and that's very damaging to the way women are portrayed.
PLEASE let me know if you need anything else. I love that you love working with young girls (like me!) because no one else seems to. You seem to be so excited to work with girls. I really, genuinely wish there were more women like you to teach girls about how amazing women can be!"

Wisdom from a teenager. More to come.