Healthy Dating Relationships- Part 1

"What does a healthy dating relationship look like?"

I've been asked more than once by older teens or girls in young twenties who are ready to consider a life long relationship.

It caused me to stop and really think.



Caring about another person is a vulnerable thing. It's hard for some people to be vulnerable, because it leads to a chance to be hurt. But that's part of it. Part of life. We get hurt sometimes. The fear of possibly being hurt can't stop us from a great adventure with rewards that are greater than the risk!

The subject of dating nowadays is a bit different than it was 20 years ago. Dating has become so complicated according to 1) my observations and 2) what girls have said. Now I've seen some young couples who have done things the way we are used to- they meet, get to know one another by talking and being together, he asks her out on dates, and they eventually become exclusive.

On the other hand, too many girls have said that they are disappointed with boys that seem to be in fear of them, or don't know how to start a conversation, or ask them out on dates, or rely too hard on social media for communicating.

The number of girls who have never dated is huge! (I'm sure moms of boys have things to say about this, and I welcome your comments. We would love to hear from you!!)

In the "old days", we dated to have fun with someone we may like, and eventually realized we both couldn't live without each other, or we parted ways. Nowadays it seems that couples want to have a commitment before they even start dating.

There is so much pressure to know where you stand instead of getting to know each other and taking a risk.

Sometimes it seems couples want to know the end  result before they start dating.

So what's my advice? Have fun without knowing the end result.

You may decide you really like him. You may decide you want to move on. You may marry him. You may break up! Young people say "I don't want to waste time". No one does. But there's no way to know ahead of time if you're going to marry someone. The risk is part of life. But so is the fun and the people you meet along the way. I heard great advice from someone- "Just leave them better than you found them if it doesn't work out".

Can we come back to a balance from the days of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye?" (I just finally read that book 10+ years later. I don't really agree with that approach, but was intrigued with the influence it had on our Christian culture, so I gave in and read it for myself).

Young people are so concerned with only dating who they are going to marry that they have become paralyzed in a way.

Sometimes you just have to date, chill, and have fun while you figure it out.

Ask God for direction and know that He will. He's not opposed to innocent fun. Or friendships. Or love.

We've made life into a complex puzzle in some ways, instead of embracing the process.

Stay tuned for part two.

Can Your BF Pass This Quiz?

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Can Your BF Pass this Quiz?

Stop Teen Abuse Credit: Carey Hope

"He's so dreamy, so nice, so thoughtful."

Then over time, he begins to do some things that make you a little uncomfortable, but maybe, you think, it's just a bad day? You find yourself thinking, "Maybe I did something wrong to cause it? Surely that won't be normal."

You find yourself explaining him to people...

"It's kinda sweet, he always wants to know where I am and who I'm with. He really cares... kinda romantic!"

"He just doesn't like my friends that much, I mean, he likes them I guess, but he'd rather not hang out with them. That's ok.... I guess."

Do you ever wonder about some things your boyfriend does? Is it normal?

There are a couple of great websites to help answer that question.

One is www.loveisrespect.org. This website is FULL of info, resources, quizzes, help for teens and parents, and even a text-in peer advocate line.

If you want to take the quiz to see if you are in a healthy relationship, click here: Healthy Relationship Quiz. 

Another great source- Here is a checklist from www.stayteen.org: 

DATING ABUSE CHECKLIST

Sometimes it can be almost impossible to look at your relationship objectively. But if you’re concerned that your partner is abusive, your instincts are probably right. Go through our dating abuse checklist and see if your partner has said or done any of the things below. Can you answer agree with some or many of the statements below? If so, it’s time to think about getting help and getting out.

• My partner teases me in ways that hurt my feelings.
• My partner calls me mean names like "stupid" or "fat" or “worthless”.
• My partner acts jealous of the time I spend with friends, family, or people I’m in class with.
• My partner gets angry about the clothes I wear or how I style my hair or they try to control how I look.
• My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by my house, or getting someone else to call/drive by my house.
• My partner always wants to know who I talk to on the phone or who I’ve texted.
• My partner says it’s my fault when they have a bad day or are in a bad mood.
• My partner throws or destroys things when angry.
• My partner hits walls, drives dangerously, or does other things that scare me.
• My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs.
• My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do.
• My partner often accuses me of cheating or of being into other people.
• My partner doesn’t respect my privacy (he/she reads my email, goes through my personal things, demands access to my desk/locker, insists on seeing my text message history).
• My partner has threatened to hurt me.
• My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave.
• My partner has intentionally hit, kicked, slapped, punched, or otherwise hurt me.
• My partner has given me visible bruises, welts, or cuts.
• My partner forces me to go further sexually than I want to.
• My partner is mean to me in front of other people, but sweet, kind, and apologetic when we’re alone.
• My friends have told me they worry about me because of my partner/ think my partner is abusive.

Talk to a parent or adult today. Get someone else's opinion. Be honest with them. You deserve to be treated with respect.

You can call or text this Hotline- 24 hours a day. Seven days a week.

Text "loveis" to 77054. Or call 1-866-331-9474

Choosing a Good Husband Pt 2- Check Yourself

Are you one that wants to get married ONE time and make it work?  

To actually stay married for life?

If so, good for you. It's possible. A good goal. Not gonna lie, it's hard, but it IS possible. The best headstart you can give yourself is choosing a good man to marry. They are out there!


 Yesterday we held out 10 qualities to see if your man is a keeper...a man that will make a good husband in the long run.

Today, let's talk about YOU. Your outlook on life and marriage. These are outlooks that will help or hinder you from being the wife that he can marry one time, for life.

1.  Marriage works best when two whole people, confident and complete within themselves, marry each other. If each person feels like a half, searching for someone to complete them, they will most likely end up disappointed in marriage. No other person can complete you. Work on becoming "whole" yourself, in your own identity and in your relationship with Jesus, the ultimate Fulfiller. Choose a man who is complete on his own also, confident in himself and his relationship with God. Two wholes make a marriage. Two halfs make a hole that will never be filled. Are you looking for someone to make you feel better and complete? Or are you your own person with confidence and goals, who happens to find someone you'd like to live your life out with? Have your own dreams for your life. Be a whole person with or without him. Be confident.

2. Don't marry a dream. What you have is what you get. Aren't girls infamous for thinking "I'll change him?" You won't. Or "things will be different when we're married?" It won't. So, don't marry what you want him to become, or the idea of what you want marriage to be. Look very clearly at what you have NOW because that is what you have.  If you don't have it dating, you won't have it married. Is that too blunt?

3. Keep your standards high before marriage. Don't marry what you're not willing to live with. This is tricky, because some girls' standards are so high they will never marry. Then again, some girls explain away flaws that they'd rather not see, in order to not be alone. That understood, it is still important to keep your standards high if you want a really good man. This leads us to point #4.

4. You want to have high standards before marriage, but depending on how you think, with some girls it's a fine line between high standards and expecting perfection. Even in high standards, you can't expect perfection.  You won't get every single thing you want in one man. It's impossible. Be picky, but not unrealistic. No one is perfect and guys will make mistakes. As will you. Which leads me to point #5.

5. You need to have someone older and more mature in your life to help you decide if some mistakes are immaturity and forgivable, or if they are deal breakers. Sometimes you can only see that if you're older and have lived longer, so a mentor friend is very valuable. More on that below.

6. Don't unfairly judge your man based off of what has become dubbed as "chick porn". Chick porn consists of all the love stories, books and movies that portray boyfriends as perfectly charming, impossibly good looking and always "on" in the ultra romantic department. They slay dragons and run through the crowded streets of Manhattan to chase a taxi down in order to propose to the waiting female. Most guys aren't going to live up to that romantic Hollywood ideal. That's not entirely real.

You don't want to be judged by guy porn, do you? Girls that aren't entirely real? He shouldn't be judged on our girl version of porn, utter and total perfect romance at all times. It makes for a great movie, but then many are dissatisfied with the real guy next to them on the couch. Think about it.

That said, I would worry about a dating relationship where there was NO romance, pursuit or adventure. Most guys will muster up romance during the dating phase to win you over and that is a big part of dating! It's good to feel pursued and romanced, to know that he really wants you. 

7.  Let a good guy be a good guy, without having to be THAT guy. Banners and posters, flying leaps out of airplanes, and heart shapes mowed into cornfields are not going to last. They are endearing, yes, and make for great memories and pictures. But sometimes a guy who simply asks you, face to face, to the prom  (or to marry him) is a good guy.  (For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, asking a girl to a dance, a prom or to marry him has of late become an art form. One that I wonder about- are guys intimidated by this? Have girls become too demanding in their expectations of romance and exploits for simple invitations? Guys, be thoughtful, respectful, charming and maybe even romantic in your invitations to girls, but save the big one for a marriage proposal.) Girls, if he's speaking to you face to face and is sincere and thoughtful, receive it, even if there's not fanfare.  If he happens to be strumming a guitar singing a song written just for you, good for you, enjoy it!


8. Tell yourself the truth. Girls, we are SO good at lying to ourselves, seeing what we want to see and explaining away red flags. Ask friends who care about you and are brave enough to tell you the truth. The ones you're afraid to ask. If a lot of people close to you are questioning you two as a couple, listen carefully to that. Ask yourself why you're afraid to talk to some friends about him. Listen to family. Be honest with yourself about any red flags you see.  Everyone I know who is now divorced say they ignored red flags before getting married. Divorce is an extremely painful process. Listen now, even though it's hard. It'll be harder later.

9. Take it slow. Enjoy the process. Enjoy friendship. Don't rush it. We live in an impatient culture that hurries everything along. Instead of acting like you're married, (going on trips together, spending Christmas morning with them, living together, having sex, having him read marriage books with you)  just date and see if you enjoy each other. Hang out, have fun, be friends, date. You can add all those other things when it becomes appropriate. Some things are better and less complicated when waited for.

 10. Make your decision a matter of much prayer. Follow peace in your heart. God will direct you. He wants good things for your life, so let Him in on this decision- the biggest decision of your life. He knows your heart, your life and what is best for you. 

5 Questions to Ask Yourself-

1. Do you really, really love him?

2. Does he bring peace or drama to your life?

3.Does he make you a better person? Are you freer to be yourself or do you feel controlled?

4. Have you lived through each season together?  Summer, fall, winter, spring? Have you been through some "life" together? Hit a bump or two? it's good to be together long enough to have a challenge or two to work out.

5. Are the things that bug you when dating deal breakers, or livable? If it bothers you now, it will only escalate in marriage. Ex. If the issue is that he's messy, you are able to deal with that.  You may not like it, but you can learn to deal with it. If the issue is he cheated on you when dating, that's a deal breaker. Talk it over with your older mentor friend who has lived longer than you. Almost 100% of affairs I've heard of in adult married couples had cheating involved during dating or engaged years. That's a serious issue that will probably be repeated, so you need to talk to someone about it.

Choosing a Good Husband Pt 1

Our youngest :)

Recently a couple of girls I've known for years, who are now at the age to consider marriage, asked me for a list of relationship advice. Advice geared toward those considering getting married.

 That is such a huge question. We could either be really simple, "follow your heart", or we could go overboard with a looooong checklist of demands....

I tend to be wordy in print, so looks like the list will err toward long....However, that's actually what these girls were asking me for, I believe. In a world where so few couples stay married, they were asking for real tips.

How do I choose a husband that I can actually stay married to for life? These girls are Christians and know that I am, so my list will be geared that way. As I wrote my answers for them, the thought occurred, why not blog this? There are obviously so many more good thoughts, so don't get mad at me if your best tip isn't on here. It would be FAB if you would leave yours in the comments!

SO, feel free to take what fits and throw out the rest. Though I really believe all these are important. :)

Part one focuses on HIM. (more to come, focusing on YOU).

10 signs that mean he might be a keeper:

1. Marry someone who loves Jesus as much as you do and who believes in the covenant of marriage. Having that in common will put you lightyears ahead on the road to success. It can be hard to be married at times, but each of you having your own personal relationship with the Lord will give you both the foundation necessary to make it work. It still takes more than that, but at least foundation is there to work from.

2. Choose a man of character.  A man of character is consistent. He treats you with respect, as well as others in his life- his friends, your friends, his mom, his family, his boss. He cares about honesty, commitment, respect and trust.  If he has a past that includes children or an ex, does he take care of them? Is his character the same online as it is in person? Is he open with you or secretive? 

3. Marry someone you can laugh with, that shares your sense of humor. It's a wonderful thing and can help you through difficulties, besides just making life more fun anyway! If you're laughing together, you're probably friends, which is a great basis for marriage.

4. A good husband is responsible. Does he have a job and a good work ethic? Does he pay his bills? Can you trust him in this area? Does he rely on you to do the responsible things or is he self motivated?

5. What is his family experience? They say you don't just marry him, you marry the family and there is truth to that. What are you marrying into? What's his idea of marriage based on how he grew up? Someone with a similar family experience growing up is helpful, but definitely not necessary. Commonality just makes thing a little easier when you already think somewhat alike in family related issues. Do you both want kids? What are each of your expectations about you working or not working outside of home when you have kids?

6. Marry a giver and not a taker.  In the Bible, dating isn't discussed, but marriage is. If you study the Ephesians 6 husband, he gives, not takes. He serves, doesn't demand. Love gives, lust takes. Read the chapter from that perspective. Of course, reciprocate that and be a giver also.

7. Find a man that's teachable.  Everyone makes mistakes and as a couple you hopefully mature together. Part of that requires both of you being teachable, not stubborn or demanding or stuck on your own way. You can work many problems out in life if he is willing to admit he's wrong sometimes, and see another way. You of course should be the same, not just him.

8. One push, one shove, one hit, he's out. Literally. Love is not abusive. I'm hard core on this, because of stories I know from friends. If he hits once, he'll hit again. You are not the one who needs to save him from this behavior. Someone else can help him. 

9. How are his words toward you? He should not call you ugly names.  His words should actually make you better. Back to the Ephesians 6 husband- as Christ "washes us" with the water of His Word, our husbands words to us should be cleansing and make us better.

10. Find someone who celebrates who you are, not someone who tries to change you into what he wants, that isn't true to your nature. You should feel celebrated, not criticized, and free to be your real self.


Come back tomorrow for tips geared toward YOU.

(repost from 9-25-12)

How to Tell Your Friend or Daughter You're Concerned

We've talked about many areas of dating violence in the last week.

But what if you're worried about someone you know? How do you talk to them about it? It's definitely a tricky thing. Whether you're an parent or a friend of a teen, today we have resources for you.

I had a college girl write out for me why she thinks it's important for adults to listen about dating abuse. Here are her words:

"When I was 17, my mother told me that my friend's boyfriend “looked like a serial killer.” He looked a little different and sometimes his smile creeped me out, but my friend was “happy” (a term I once used loosely). My mother kept referring to that boy with questioning reservation, because she truly believed her sense of something being wrong. I didn't notice anything different. My friend was thoroughly obsessed with her boyfriend, and I didn't think that was weird. I have never had a boyfriend, perhaps that was normal. I didn't know anything at 17, because I had never truly been through anything, but my mother had been through it all and she could sense it.

My friend's boyfriend was abusive, and took her away from all her friends. Her parents didn't know until he shoved his arm through a glass door to stop her from leaving; her parents didn't know until the damage was already done. I didn't know until she told me, because at 17, I knew nothing.

There were tons of adults around my friend during this relationship, and all claimed to have “sensed something” before it was confirmed. I'm sure these adults simply didn't know that the girl was a little too obsessed with her boyfriend, maybe they didn't realize that she was cut off from family, and that that was totally normal for an abusive boyfriend to isolate her. As soon as the adults found out, action was taken. She was immediately relocated, a restraining order was placed, and her ex-boyfriend was given psychiatric help.

I could not have offered help like this, because at 17 all I could do was tell an adult, or another professional. She needed adults to intervene.  I often regret not having the confidence to fight for my friend, but there is nothing that can be done now but to help the healing process. Domestic Violence is not something that any teenager can deal with alone."

Well spoken. Now I'll refer you to some already well written articles of advice. If you'll take the time to click on these links, some good direction is offered for how you can approach your friend.

How to Tell a Friend You're Worried About Their Relationship by Michelle Hainer from www.stayteen.org.

How to Help a Friend from the www.loveisrespect.org website. Another helpful article from them, knowing when to tell an adult or not, is FOR TEENS.

What if you're a mom or dad, and you see some things you don't feel good about in your teen's relationship? The website www.loveisnotabuse.com offers some good advice in A Letter to Parents.

Here are warning signs listed for parents to watch for: (excerpt from www.loveisnotabuse.com)

A COMMON CHARACTERISTIC

A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others. Over time, the isolation from one's social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time "just the two of us," and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, "You must not love me." Creating this isolation and dissolution of one's social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors. In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and emails, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant. Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. "They must love me because they just want to spend time with me."

WARNING SIGNS 
While the following non-specific warning signs could indicate other concerning things such as depression or drug use, these should also raise a red flag for parents and adult caregivers about the possibility of an unhealthy relationship:

    * no longer hanging out with his/her circle of friends
    * wearing the same clothing
    * distracted when spoken to
    * constantly checking cell phone, gets extremely upset when asked to turn phone off
    * withdrawn, quieter than usual
    * angry, irritable when asked how they are doing
    * making excuses for their boyfriend/girlfriend
    * showering immediately after getting home
    * unexplained scratches or bruises

For a free, downloadable, VERY helpful resource, take a look at the booklet for parents. 

A Parent's Guide to Dating Violence- 10 Questions to Start the Conversation

Another True Story

I know none of us like to think about Dating Violence, and the possibility of it happening.  And that is the reason to talk about it during this Awareness Month.

Because it does happen. 

I'm grateful to my friend for being willing to share her personal story with you. 

"Over 15 years ago, what now seems like a lifetime ago, I found myself in an abusive relationship. I didn’t realize until long after I’d gotten out, that there were so many levels of abuse – it’s not just physical abuse, but also emotional, mental & sexual. Most people who know me now, can’t believe I was ever in an abusive relationship – I’m strong, independent, outgoing, don’t have a problem setting boundaries with my friends & family, I was raised by great parents with a relatively normal childhood (divorced parents, but hey, that’s not really abnormal). Yet, more than 15 years ago, I found myself looking in the mirror at a gigantic black eye wondering how in the world I let that happen?


The relationship started in a bar - both of us liquored up and then hooking up. I was newly divorced, only 23 years old and looking for my “knight in shining armor.” For this story, we’ll call my abuser “The Knight” – even though he was FAR from what we all picture as little girls. The Knight & I started our relationship off with booze & sex – great foundation, huh? We partied together a lot and partying always led to The Knight getting jealous because some guy looked at me sideways. Oddly enough, it was always MY fault if a guy looked at me and always ended up with me having to convince The Knight that I wasn’t cheating on him. For about a year, there was no physical violence, only constant accusations of infidelity on my part (I found out later, he was the one cheating – quite enthusiastically at that!).

Then one cold, January night at the bar, a long-time male friend dared to buy me a drink AND put his arm on my shoulder. The Knight’s jealously grew and grew that evening until finally we had to leave the bar. At one point, after yelling at me for what seemed like an eternity, The Knight pulled the car over, dragged me out of the backseat and threw me into a very cold, very hard snow bank. Then he pulled me up and threw me down again. This happened several times until his friend pulled him off me and I was able to crawl back into the car. At this point, I didn’t know if I’d survive until morning. I couldn’t make sense of what had just happened. No one had ever physically manhandled me like that! I was hoping and praying that The Knight’s friend would somehow calm him down and everything would be ok. When we got to our apartment, I raced upstairs and hid in my small son’s bedroom (note that my son was not at home). Unfortunately, The Knight’s friend turned his back on me as before long, I was being dragged out of the bedroom, was picked up by the waistband of my pants and the back of my shirt and was tossed across the kitchen to land on my face and slide into the cupboards. I literally saw stars and didn’t move for what seems like an eternity. I was petrified. Something must have snapped in The Knight at that moment because he gently picked me up and carried me to bed. He started crying and begging me to forgive him and to never make him do that again… Yes, he was telling me it was MY fault that he’d done what he did.

We were together for nearly 3 years and The Knight would never admit that he abused me, always saying that it wasn’t abuse because he never actually hit me. No, he didn’t hit me with his fist, I’ll agree to that, but throwing one’s partner 10 feet in the air, throwing that same partner repeatedly into a snow bank, constantly berating one’s partner, constantly accusing your partner of infidelity and demanding to know where they are every moment, or holding a shotgun to your partner’s head while they’re begging for mercy, are ALL forms of abuse.

Only after seeking help from the local domestic violence shelter’s support group was I able to see that I really WAS being abused and that it was NEVER my fault. HE was the one who was damaged. HE was the one at fault. It took me a very long time to recover emotionally and even longer to forgive The Knight."

5 things from her story:

1. He was jealous when guys looked at her AND it was her fault that they looked at her.
2. No physical abuse for a year, just constant accusations of her infidelity.
3. Yelled at her. Physical abuse began.
4. He cried and begged forgiveness as he said "please don't ever make me do that again" (still her fault)
5. He never admitted he abused her, since it wasn't a fist/hit (though he tossed her across the room, etc).

This friend is currently happily married and recovered from those dark days. Thanks to God and to friends, and to the grace that helped her walk out of a bad situation, and into forgiveness and true life, she is living a completely different life now. She says if her story can help one person out of the pain she went through, it is worth it.

The picture that she recommends using to see if you are in an abusive relationship is this Violence Wheel. You can see it and more information about it at www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel.

True Story- He Was Perfect, And Secretly Abusive

photo credit: www.dosomething.org

This true story I am sharing with permission, in my own words based on what a friend shared with me about her high school experience.

She grew up in a Christian home and went to private Christian school. This story happened a few years ago. This beautiful is girl now in her twenties and married to a great guy who truly loves her.

In high school, she started out in a dating relationship with a guy who seemed perfect. He was the football star, won the Christian awards at school, chosen for Homecoming court, everyone liked him. Including the adults in her life. In fact, he was "approved" to date.

She was surrounded by her loving family, good friends and many good adults, in a private Christian school, yet found herself in an abusive dating relationship in high school. It can happen anywhere.

Later she found he had a bit of a past that made him lacking in how to have a healthy relationship. She found herself dating Mr. Perfect, but hearing things like "Wear this, do that, you're too skinny, or ugly...Be glad you're with me because no one else would want to be with you." He became controlling and possessive. 

At first there was verbal abuse as described above, then some physical things began (throwing and breaking items). Being forced sexually occurred also.

She didn't tell anyone for a long time. She thought something was wrong with her, that she was a terrible person. Everyone liked him. 

Then she didn't know how to break up. And began to be afraid to be alone with him. 

Her mom began to know something was wrong, though she would've never guessed what it actually was. No one would. But her mom felt something, and began asking questions. One night her mom heard him over the phone in the background freaking out and breaking stuff. She moved her to another school.

When she finally later confessed the two year ordeal to her family, terrified to tell because she thought it was her fault, her family was obviously completely devastated. They felt incredibly guilty as parents for not seeing. But they loved their daughter and never saw it as her fault. They helped each other restore back to healthy, healed outlooks and lives.

Now, in her own words today she shares some wisdom gained from this experience, that she'd like to share with girls and those who love them. 

"The main point is just to watch out for the kind of men that want to control every bit of your life. It starts out small: For example, a controlling man may start telling you what to wear, what to listen to, watch, and where to go. Then it may get to the point where he might control who you spend your time with. Like me, you may be only allowed to spend time with him. My ex-boyfriend eventually starting making me believe that my friends and family didn't have my best interests at heart, and told me that he was the only one who knew how to take care of me. He would threaten to leave or embarrass me if I spent too much time with other people, or if I wanted to do the different things I enjoyed.

With the control came lots of verbal abuse. I was told I was stupid, ugly, and worthless all the time. Unfortunately, I was already very insecure going into the relationship so it was easier for me to believe all of the hurtful things he would say. I became very depressed and unmotivated to do anything anymore. My world just became this guy who treated me terribly, and I believed I deserved a relationship like this because I didn't know my worth.

I would encourage women to be very cautious when picking a man to be in their lives. For the safety of your heart the dating process should be taken slowly. Also, make sure you have trustworthy family and friends close by; they may see things you don't at first. Love can sometimes be very blind when you are infatuated with another. If you find yourself losing relationships and the things you once loved doing due to the man in your life, you may not be in a very healthy relationship. Don't date someone to find yourself, you have to be confident in who you are going into this. We are daughters of God and we need to be patient and wait for the kind of godly man that wants to encourage us and bring us closer to God and all of the beautiful things in life. I know it was extremely hard to break my relationship off; I was very afraid of what he may do. I was very blessed to have my family and friends by my side to help me break the relationship off, and help me see my worth so I wasn't tempted to go back to him. I would encourage young women in this situation to go to someone they can trust to help them break it off and counsel with them about unhealthy relationships. We are beautiful inside and out and we should be cared for and protected."

Can Your BF Pass this Quiz?

Stop Teen Abuse Credit: Carey Hope

"He's so dreamy, so nice, so thoughtful."

Then over time, he begins to do some things that make you a little uncomfortable, but maybe, you think, it's just a bad day? You find yourself thinking, "Maybe I did something wrong to cause it? Surely that won't be normal."

You find yourself explaining him to people...

"It's kinda sweet, he always wants to know where I am and who I'm with. He really cares... kinda romantic!"

"He just doesn't like my friends that much, I mean, he likes them I guess, but he'd rather not hang out with them. That's ok.... I guess."

Do you ever wonder about some things your boyfriend does? Is it normal?

There are a couple of great websites to help answer that question.

One is www.loveisrespect.org. This website is FULL of info, resources, quizzes, help for teens and parents, and even a text-in peer advocate line.

If you want to take the quiz to see if you are in a healthy relationship, click here: Healthy Relationship Quiz. 

Another great source- Here is a checklist from www.stayteen.org: 

DATING ABUSE CHECKLIST

Sometimes it can be almost impossible to look at your relationship objectively. But if you’re concerned that your partner is abusive, your instincts are probably right. Go through our dating abuse checklist and see if your partner has said or done any of the things below. Can you answer agree with some or many of the statements below? If so, it’s time to think about getting help and getting out.

• My partner teases me in ways that hurt my feelings.
• My partner calls me mean names like "stupid" or "fat" or “worthless”.
• My partner acts jealous of the time I spend with friends, family, or people I’m in class with.
• My partner gets angry about the clothes I wear or how I style my hair or they try to control how I look.
• My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by my house, or getting someone else to call/drive by my house.
• My partner always wants to know who I talk to on the phone or who I’ve texted.
• My partner says it’s my fault when they have a bad day or are in a bad mood.
• My partner throws or destroys things when angry.
• My partner hits walls, drives dangerously, or does other things that scare me.
• My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs.
• My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do.
• My partner often accuses me of cheating or of being into other people.
• My partner doesn’t respect my privacy (he/she reads my email, goes through my personal things, demands access to my desk/locker, insists on seeing my text message history).
• My partner has threatened to hurt me.
• My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave.
• My partner has intentionally hit, kicked, slapped, punched, or otherwise hurt me.
• My partner has given me visible bruises, welts, or cuts.
• My partner forces me to go further sexually than I want to.
• My partner is mean to me in front of other people, but sweet, kind, and apologetic when we’re alone.
• My friends have told me they worry about me because of my partner/ think my partner is abusive.

Talk to a parent or adult today. Get someone else's opinion. Be honest with them. You deserve to be treated with respect.

You can call or text this Hotline- 24 hours a day. Seven days a week.

Text "loveis" to 77054. Or call 1-866-331-9474

Lucille Ball Said It All

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." ~ Lucille Ball

Good news is, I believe change can be made.


But as Lucille said, it has to be faced first.

February is National Dating Violence Awareness Month.

And it's an ugly topic. Not fun to write about. Why do I do it anyway?

Because the first time I brought this topic up with girls, not even thinking they needed it, not even knowing for a fact that it was an issue in their world, two girls told me afterwards they had relationships they needed to get out of, before things got worse. I was floored. And each year since, I know of at least one more similar story, just from my little world. That's why this is a must every year. There are signs before anything ever gets physical. Do you know what they are?

Awareness is a must. Education works.


A very good definition of what dating violence is, comes from an Oklahoma government website.  "Dating violence is the use of harassing, controlling, and/or abusive behavior to maintain power and control over a partner in a romantic relationship. It can take the form of emotional/verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, stalking, or a combination of abusive behaviors. Anyone can be a victim of dating violence regardless of age, race, or gender. Teens are particularly vulnerable to dating violence due to their young age and inexperience with romantic relationships." 

In my state, the statistics are much higher than the national average according to this news story and statistics from the YMCA, Oklahoma Ranks High on Dating Violence. Three times the national average for Oklahoma high school freshmen! Not good.

So one purpose this month is to educate on healthy and unhealthy relationship signs. 

There are some great resources from organizations on the Internet. Please check out www.loveisrespect.org, www.stayteen.org, www.dvis.org, 


Discussion Starters: Take opportunity to talk through daily things that come up in relationships that your kids see. What do you think of that? Do you think she's treating him well? Do you think he's respecting her? Would you put up with that from someone?

That way we can casually talk about healthy relationship qualities with our kids, when it's not them involved, so they aren't defensive.

How to Help Your Teen Have Healthy Relationships-Pt. 1

February is  National Teen Dating Violence Awareness  Month. 

(Keep reading!!)


It could be easy to brush it off and think "Oh, thank goodness that doesn't apply to anyone I know!" But I beg  you to read on, if not for yourself, than to be educated,  for the sake of all the people you know and influence.

Dating violence sounds extreme, and it can be. And we would hope rare. But it does happen. 

However, there are many smaller signs leading up to potential violence that our kids need to recognize. I have found that smaller signs of pretty unhealthy behavior is alarmingly common. It may not be a physical abuse yet, but it's a sign of potential trouble down the road. 

We need to put some standards out there of what should be expected and what's not acceptable in dating relationships.

My eyes have been opened after discussing this topic among girls.  After going over warning signs of potentially dangerous relationships, I've heard, "Ohhhhhh...my boyfriend kind of does that...." (some of the more stalker type stuff).  I've heard of girls covering bruises with makeup. I've had girls recognize that their boyfriends were just controlling, but when they found out that's not normal, they reconsidered the relationship and got out. 

Unfortunately dating abuse does happen. And it doesn't have to be physical. Being treated in a very controlling way, taking you from family and friends, demanding to know where you are and who you're with 24 hours a day, are all signs of a danger zone ahead.  


Then there are just unhealthy relationships that may not be dangerous, but just aren't good.

Some teens don't know this. We need to tell them. What's obvious to us may not be obvious to them. I'm happy to say some girls that learned these are bad signs broke up with guys. A little education can go a long way.

And sometimes it's the girls who are abusive, controlling or unhealthy. My first year of marriage we lived in an apartment under a violent couple. It was the cute little twenty something girl that beat her boyfriend. This definitely goes both ways. Guys need to be just as aware as girls do, what constitutes a healthy relationship.

January 31, 2012 President Obama issued a Presidential Proclamation  that February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention month. 

At the top this website, click on National Dating Violence Awareness Month, for a ton of good resources and more information (including quizzes and hotlines to text for help).

Throughout this month, I'll be writing on this topic. It will be sporadically placed throughout the month. I'll share a couple of real stories that girls have been willing to share. 


I beg you to push through the feeling of wanting to ignore this. Inform yourself. Watch for signs. Talk through this with your kids. 

People that act abusively need help and I hope will get it, but the girlfriend or boyfriend is not the one to help them. No matter how many times they apologize. If you find out someone you know faces any of the warning signs we'll talk about this month, SPEAK UP.  You have permission to get in their business. They honestly may not know some behaviors are not normal. You may save them.

The last day of this month, we are hosting a COMMUNITY TALK on this topic. A few different people will be sharing info, stories and resources. At the end, for those who can stay (and it's totally worth it!!) the Lifetime movie "Reviving Ophelia" will be shown. This fictional movie is a great visual and discussion starter of the topic of high school dating abuse. 

Feb. 28, 2013. 6:30pm. Believers Church 4705 S. Memorial. Females age 13 and up welcome.

And now, a video from www.loveisrespect.org.

When Love Blinds- Part 5 (and final one)

This week, we've read stories from 4 different ladies about warnings (or red flags) they recognized in dating relationships, but unfortunately chose to ignore.

All 4 married these men, had very difficult marriages and painful divorces.

All 4 of them wish they had paid better attention to the clues they excused away.

All 4 of them had wonderful children in their first marriages that were in no way a mistake AT ALL, and the best part OF those marriages.

Our human minds can't figure this out. Only God knows how all the pieces fit and work out. He thankfully brings beauty out of ashes, and redeems every mistake if we let Him. Children are never a mistake, but always a blessing.

All 4 of these ladies don't want other people, especially their own children to have to go through the pain they went through. There are few things in life more painful than a bad marriage and divorce.

This is why they were all willing to expose their experiences, as well as the thinking they remember having during the "love struck" dating phase.

If anything you read rings true with you, or hits a vibe in you, or seems oddly familiar to a situation you are in now, I beg you, on their behalf, to sit down with someone who cares and confess those concerns.

If the top 5 people (or even a majority of them) in your life that love you and have always cared about you have an issue with your current dating relationship, don't rush it. Stop and consider. Listen to them. Anything done in haste is usually iffy. You can always still get married later if you find it all okay after considering the issues with them.

But why not put it through the fire first? If it survives the consideration, great! You can get married. But if it doesn't, isn't it better to have some pain now, to save yourself pain later?

The main reason girls go through with a questionable marriage, is they don't want to be alone. Or they are afraid of the backlash that will come by ending it. Or they just want to have sex or have the security of a husband. Or don't feel worthy enough to find someone else.
Women who have been through this would line up to tell you that everything wears off, then you are stuck in a marriage with all the bad things you ignored, and you'll be trying to figure out how to get out. Once you're married, you can't just "go home" anymore to get away. You will be living in the house together. Very together.

So choose well!