Being Female in Today's World- Part 1

jadyn noelle photography

The subject of raising girls in today's world conjures up many thoughts, proven by MANY conversations I've either been a part of or have eavesdropped on in public. It's rarely a boring conversation!

I had lunch with some people at work the other day that I don't know. When the subject of raising daughters came up, one of the ladies said the funniest line, as she summarized her thoughts on raising her own daughter. She said, “When my daughter was 9, I said ‘I can’t do this’; when she was 11 I considered sending her to boarding school; and when she was 13, I considered going to boarding school!" That's a good summary of a fairly common thought!

Recently in preparation for my talk at a local church on the value of being female, I asked a question on my Facebook page "5 Things" to see what women had to say. I asked the question: One of the values or benefits of being female is _________:

Some answers you gave: 

• giving birth and giving life
• we are caretakers yet taken care of
• we are emotional creatures and life would be meaningless without emotion
• having such strong, raw emotions-sometimes it hinders, but mostly it helps me to experience life in the truest sense
• motherhood
• the innate ability to be compassionate
• nursing a child
• we are strong- stronger than we think

I add to that that we are creators, receivers, have power, are able to nurture, we have an intuition, an inner desire for relationship, we hold families together, and are able to go deep with the Lord.

Everywhere I go, I hear people say “OH NO” to raising girls in today’s world. Why? The reasons seem to be the dangers, it’s hard to control what they do in a culture so immoral, the pressures so strong and the role models so low. Raising girls is expected to be hard. But I say that’s the wrong point of view.

  

Let’s talk for a minute about how females are viewed in our society. First, there is so much gender confusion in today’s world. Knowing the value of why God created males and females has always been important, but it's becoming increasingly important. The strengths He gave each are important.

When I say “how females are viewed in society”, I’m talking about culture in general-  the culture we live in- the news, the media, the movies and books, the music, the culture in schools and on social media, etc. Not necessarily how you are living your life. How our culture portrays females slips in, no matter how protective we try to be, so it’s good to understand and think through these issues with our girls, as is age appropriate. I am generalizing in the broadest sense.

Think of baby girls- they are everything sweet, cuddly and princess-y. Girls are talkers and fun and frilly. As they grow into toddlers, we talk about how smart they are, what they are learning.

The elementary years are adventurous years, where they try new things and find new talents- maybe sports, leadership in school clubs, music, drama, art, being smart, enjoying life. Somewhere toward the older elementary years, the worrisome thoughts creep into girls' minds about looks, girl drama, mean girls and sometimes the confusing, yet fun subject of liking boys! Many adults look at these girls as though they are way too young to possibly be worrying about any of these subjects, but the young girls are definitely feeling the stresses early.  Thinking about looks, popularity, boys and how to deal with drama.

 As teen years hit, many in our culture have a view that teen years are going to be certain way. There is little we can do about the fact that girls become high maintenance, hard to get along with, sassy to parents and into things such as friend drama, dating, immorality, partying, etc.  We sometimes fall for this! But I disagree that it's a given. 

As adults, sometimes we are afraid of these years and are reactive instead of proactive.  We may assume the worst and expect things to be hard. We may put up with negative behavior in girls because “that’s the way girls are”. We put on our “YIKES” hat and think we can’t affect our girls in this stage. I believe that is so untrue!

People rise to the level of expectation. God never said the teen years have to be a terrible experience. They may have some difficulties and have rough periods, but we don't have to expect the worst and toss up our hands. If we consistently teach godly principles and have those as our standard, maybe some drama can be saved. We can concentrate on character at each stage and have that be our guideline. It certainly doesn't mean that the years will be a breeze, but we can prepare for them way ahead of time. Actually, the young years are the training ground for how teen years will be.

The biggest problems  in teen life become – who are my friends, do I have a boyfriend, and do I look good? The value of being female begins to show up as “how do I look, and am I desirable to guys?” instead of who they are inside, what they are gifted with.. what we see. Their view has often changed since childhood.

What’s interesting, in talking with many tweens, they feel tremendous pressure to grow up too fast. It’s easy to assume they want to, but when I've asked, almost 100% say they would rather remain young longer, and just enjoy being a kid. Who knew. 

As we grow older, the value that society largely puts on adult women is still in our looks, our youth and our sexiness. Like that’s the biggest aim we should have. That feeling gets transferred to our kids very young. The Girls 101 workshops we've done with girls as young as 5^th grade prove that they have thoughts of self loathing about their looks and their size already. Negative thoughts don't necessarily go away as we get older, we just mask it differently. Some women have gotten beyond it, and don’t see their value in looks. But the pressure of perfection and our looks is very prevalent. The Lord helps us through that as we mature. We can get beyond it.

Even the mean girl stuff- that doesn’t always go away with age either. Women are either our biggest hindrance, or our biggest support. There is nothing more powerful than a group of women who support each other.  Women who aren’t competitive is a beautiful thing. On the other hand, little is as destructive as mean women. 

As adults, there are varied expectations of women. Either we are expected to get a degree and make good money and compete with men, or we are to be the best stay-at-home-super-mom there is, making everything from organic sources while blogging about it. But we are to be busy and excel at whatever we do, regardless of what we choose. AND, we are to stay desirable no matter what happens; stay young, keep our body in shape after birthing several children, etc. Whew!

Older women- do you feel expected to be available, to help raise more kids (grandkids), to afford this, work here, volunteer there, be good moms and grandmas? Maybe it’s finally time to live your dreams, when in reality you are tired from making everyone else’s happen.

I don’t think all of these negative assumptions society makes about females, or that we put on ourselves, is how God intended us to be when He designed us. I don’t think He made us to be difficult and competitive. 

I think we misunderstand femininity and expect too little.

Maybe we are just misusing our strengths!

In Part 2, we will take a look at:

What should our focus be then? What are the strengths God gave us as women?

Stay tuned.

Mean Stinks!

Need deoderant?!

Buy Secret!

No really, we just love Secret Deoderant because of the "Mean Stinks" campaign that they started to combat girl meanness and bullying!

Some celebrities have teamed up with Secret and together they have spread the "Gang Up for Good" cause.  Paint your pinky blue and help spread kindness at your school this year.

At Girls 101 Friendship Camp last week we watched quite a few of the videos made by Mean Stinks.

Here's one with celebrity Demi Lovato:

Follow the "Mean Stinks" page on Facebook for encouragement and tools to combat bullying. 

Or check out the website www.meanstinks.com for the same, plus lots of videos on girl conflict and what to do about it.

The last day of camp was so cool. A dear friend Britni came to share her very personal story with the girls at camp. She was the Mean Girl in middle school. She therefore lost all of her friends but one. She had to decide to become different, apologize to people, and become a better friend. You can read the whole story HERE and HERE. In a third part of the story, Britni describes some of the inner thoughts she had back then, the reasons why she acted the way she did. WE LOVE BRITNI now and it's hard to imagine her that way! 

After Britni shared her experience, she then was the one to paint the pinky of each girl BLUE as we took the Mean Stinks pinky pledge to "stamp out the mean!"

I LOVE the creativity and seriousness of the girls with the cause! EVEN our Silhouette friend "Karen Fred" got a pinky painted blue! (After we drew a hand on her!)

Gang up for Good....because Mean Stinks!!

Why Go To Girls 101 Camps? Because of THIS!

Friendship Camp 2013 is now complete!

What a fun time!

What was camp like?? 13 fourth and fifth graders came together, most of whom didn't know anyone else at the camp (that means they came SOLO!) But new friends were made and lots of fun was had.

By the end of camp when they were all happy and at ease, I asked how many didn't want to come on day one and were forced by mom....several hands went up (which is always the case). But props to you moms for making your girls go, because everyone had a blast and they all said they were so glad they came!!

We had three days of games that were a hit, talking with new friends, role playing, videos, discussions on current friend issues, ponderous moments, as well as hearing stories, encouragement and advice from college girls about their own friend experiences.

What makes a good friend? How do I handle conflict with my friend? What are the ways girls fight vs. how boys fight (and how come?!) How can I make friends at my new school where I won't know anyone? Does everyone secretly feel the way I do?

We even got to hear from Lacey Russ, Miss America's Outstanding Teen 2011. She encouraged the girls with her advice of what worked best for her in making friends, as she was "the new girl" a couple of times in life. She showed her crown and let the girls ask anything they wanted.

Girls 101 and Lacey Russ, Miss America Outstanding Teen 2011, Sanco Photography

Sanco Photography

Sanco Photography

Another college helper shared how she never felt she had that one BEST friend connection that girls want so badly. Though she had a lot of friends, there wasn't one she called "best". She told advantages she now sees in having a variety of friends instead of just one bff.

Then there was the college girl who shared her very real experience of being the mean girl, and how she lost all of her friends. After soul searching, she changed her ways, made some apologies and learned to be a good friend.

Here are some comments made by the girls at the end of camp:

"I liked the camp because I learned alot on how to be a better friend and what I've been doing wrong and I can change myself."

"I liked meeting new people."

"I liked this camp because it gave a lot of advice- friendship, bullying and what kind of friend you should be. I will be the new girl next year so this advice really helps."

"I liked all the games we played and all the people here. I also liked how much I learned about healthy friendships."

"What I like about camp is that it's super duper fun!"

"I like that we played games."

"I learned how to deal with girl drama."

"I liked meeting new people and watching all the girl drama videos."

"I learned you do not have to like everyone, or be friends with everyone, you just need to be nice to them."

On that last comment, we talk at Girls 101 how it's natural to gravitate towards people who are similar or have the same interests. You may meet people you truly don't care for, that you have nothing in common with. It's okay that you may not care for them (ssshhh!!), and you don't have to be a hang out buddy with them, but all people deserve politeness and respect from us. Basically, no one should be able to tell who the people you don't care for are.

Empathy was the big word of the week. Everything we did came back to the word EMPATHY and the Golden Rule.

As one of the college volunteers summed it up, "Be the friend that you want others to be to you."

More camps coming up, be on the watch at www.5things.us and on Facebook at 5 Things!

A Glimpse Inside of a Local Workshop

Instead of making excuses of why I haven't been blogging, how about showing you some pictures?

We just finished a super fun five week session of Girls 101 at a local public school. A very good group of girls, such sweeties.

Why am I always floored when they share why they liked the group and what they learned at the end of our five weeks? I don't know, except that it's a thrilling and encouraging thing for us as leaders to hear girls, unprompted and uncoached,  share the exact things we are hoping they take away from our time together.

Things like...

I got to know more girls that I didn't know well before.

I like that we learned what to do when we get bullied or see someone else get bullied.

I like leaving everything from the day behind and having fun here.

It helps to get stuff the negative stuff out of me and learn how to deal with stuff.

Hopefully using visuals the girls helped create, they will continue to remember things like...

not labeling people, even before giving them a chance

pursuing traits that make a good friend and avoiding traits that cause fights

assessing ourselves as friends as well as we assess other people (smile)

the power of words that can affect others strongly- both positively and negatively

One of my favorite things about new workshops is meeting 15 new girls in our city that I didn't know before.

I loved working with these wonderful ladies. All are former teachers who are now home raising kids. They love this opportunity to get back into a school, be with kids again and teach valuable life skills.

It was a thrill for me to have a photographer in the bunch share her talent! She captured amazing pictures weekly. Thanks to Elizabeth of Sanco Photography for contributing this valuable part. We were able to give each girl a fun picture collage at the end of our session as a momento.

Workshops are available for schools as an after school program, in 5 week sessions for grades 4-12th. If you would like more information, please email me at hollytumpkin@gmail.com.

4th and 5th Grade Girls- The Worst Time of Day

Last week began a new Girls 101 workshop at a local elementary school.

To get things started, we did some brainstorming on first thoughts that come to mind when you hear the topic "Girls" or "Friends".

The first column are all the good things that friendships bring. I'm sure you can see from the second column, these are the negative things that come along with friendships among girls.

So is it a given that drama has to be a part of a girl's life?

Well, it's hard to avoid it completely, so there are some things we can talk through and learn about that help to deal with complications as they arise. Girls can feel a little more equipped at least, instead of helpless.

We challenge girls to think through the behavior of the offender, what motivates people to be mean in the first place. What's nice about doing workshops in schools, I have no idea who the nice ones or the mean ones are, (many can be both) and we talk freely about the issues, challenging each to the same standards.

According to girls everywhere, a lot happens at lunch and recess.  Many say recess is the worst because it's face to face conflict. Other times of the day, messages are being sent through other people, so it's more indirect, but recess is the mean person's chance to get face to face with you.

Discussion Starters:  Ask your daughter what lunchtime and recess are like at her school. Does she dread either for any reason? Does she see bad behavior happening to people? If so, take the opportunity to tell her your thoughts on how she can stand up for herself or others.

RA- Relational Aggression in Girls

Relational Aggression, or RA, is a fancy term for girls using relationships to mistreat each other- (silent treatment, exclusion, isolation, rumors, cliques, I won't be your friend if, etc).


Girls love to act, so role playing is a popular method of teaching. Even simple role playing at your house with your daughter is good prep work, to help her feel a little more ready to face things she (or he) may be facing at school.


In Girls 101 workshops, we role play using the MEAN GIRL, the TARGET, and the BYSTANDERS. We also talk about the feelings of each, motives of each and OPTIONS for girls to use if they find themselves in any of those roles.


I like to challenge girls to be SHE-ROS and to come to the defense of themselves AND others when they see people being mean. The world needs more She-ros who are brave enough to stand up for something!

Here are some tactics that your daughter can use:

TARGETS- (the one targeted by mean girl)

No matter how much you have to fake, respond in confidence. You are less likely to get picked on if you appear confident. Even if you have to go around the corner and break down when she's gone.

Look her in the eye. If you're too scared for that, look at her nose or the top of her head. It'll look like you're looking her in the eye.

It's okay to remove yourself from the situation. A simple confident "that's not true" or "stop it" followed by leaving is fine.

Use humor to diffuse the situation, if you can.


BYSTANDERS- (the ones who are around and observing, whether you're involved or not)

All girls will be bystanders at some point, and they actually have a lot of power. Typically, bystanders are afraid to say anything to stop the meanness, because they know they could then become the target of meanness too. But better to be brave and be a she-ro.

I teach having EMPATHY for the Target . Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want someone to help you? Then be brave and do something about it. Easier said than done, right? Well there are a few ways you can do something, even if you're not feeling super brave. Here are a few ideas:

Simply say something to the MG. "Hey lay off" or "Hey that's not true" or "What are you doing? Leave her alone".

Body language- just go stand by the target. They won't feel alone and now MG is looking at two people instead of one.

Go up to target and say "Hey let's go to class" and walk off with them- just help them get out of the situation.

All you bystanders band together and just walk off, taking the target with you, leaving Mean Girl by herself.


If it's a really bad situation, or ongoing, tell an adult.

Helping Her Choose Good Friends

I hope you've enjoyed this little middle school friend series...I missed a few days because life has been FULL!! And it still is. For the next two days I'll be attending various events at my Alma Mater for Homecoming weekend, participating in a couple of alumni events...always fun.

I thought I would re-post one of the most popular posts from last year about helping girls choose (and be) good friends. I love to do this object lesson with girls, because they are the ones coming up with what's written down, not me.

So they really come to conclusions based on what they say, not what I say. (and that's always better than being told what to think, especially for teens).

Our pretend friend- this object lesson involves writing down the positive and negative traits of friendships on individual circles and gluing them on a silhouette of our fake pretend friend! (We always have to name her first!) The good traits went inside, and the negative traits went outside.

The girls think of various things that a good friend does- things like compliments, stands up for, is honest, etc. Those are written down and put inside of the silhouette.

Then they come up with traits that cause division and problems among friends- lying, insults, rumors, etc. Those go on the outside of the silhouette.
We discuss how everyone makes mistakes (and will at times do things on the outer parts!) so friends have to be open to talking through and forgiving each other. But also, if we are hanging out with a friend that does mostly negative all of the time, that sometimes we have to rethink if that is a good friendship.

Are we constantly disappointed or in conflict with a friend, or is it just occasional? Can you usually work it out together or does it just get worse?


Then the biggest question is, where do we ourselves fit? Am I mostly exhibiting the good character traits? Do I try and make the negative traits minimal? And then, where do my friends fit?


We are not judging people, but learning how to choose good relationships based on what makes healthy friendships. All make mistakes and we must learn to discuss and forgive.

But we do have a choice of who to spend large amounts of time with and who to invest our lives in.

Who we hang out with determines much of who we become!

Discussion Starter:

Draw a big circle. What's important to you in a friendship? Think about your favorite friends. Name 5 reasons why they make a good friend and write those inside of the circle.

Now try and name 5 things that girls do that make friendships difficult- traits that girls have that make you not want to be friends with them. Write those 5 negative traits outside of the circle.

As you look at your picture, where do you fit most of the time? Where do your friends fit most of the time?

Help your daughter understand that everyone makes mistakes, but hopefully the majority of our behavior, and our friends behavior, is positive.

2 Things Girls Fight Over the Most

So after years of listening to girl drama, I can tell you two things girls fight over the most. (You probably already know this, no big surprises).

Boys.

And BFF's.


Who likes who..

and who's hanging out with who.

I like him, oh my gosh, no I like him! She's looking at my boyfriend, I hope she knows she better stay away from him, he's mine...or...Why are you so obsessed with boys? Come one, let's go ride bikes. I'm gonna go home if you don't get off the phone with him.

I don't want to go out of town Friday mom! Jackie asked me to hang out with her and I really want to! If I can't then she might not ask me again, or she'll hang out with someone else instead. If you make me go I won't get into this group! Or....Ohhhh, I guess I'm sad because Sophie started hanging out with the new girl in our class. They keep ignoring me, it's like I don't exist anymore.

We girls love to be loved, don't we? We all have a tendency to want to be the queen. It seems everyone is peddling and jockeying for the best position, where they will then feel secure. Girls will fight for the position of "girlfriend" or "best friend". If anyone dares threaten her position, the gloves may come off.

Almost every fight comes back to a girl feeling like someone is threatening her position.

She wants to be Todd's girlfriend. So she "claims him" and tells everyone she likes him. Now no one else is "allowed" to talk to him or look at him because he's "hers". She gets mad at girls who may also be after him, and she may even get mad at girls who simply answer his question or hand him a pencil. She's declared her "position", his girlfriend, whether it's true yet or not. And don't mess with it! Or else.

Having a best friend is vastly important to some girls. If a third person comes along and threatens a girl's position as "best friend", all hell can break loose. Devastation may ensue. Girls may do all sorts of things to someone who appears threatening to her.

One thing I try to get across to girls is that first, none of us own each other. Just because you like a boy doesn't mean that you own him or you can control who he has a conversation with.

Secondly, friends are gifts, they aren't possessions. There is even room enough for three (or more) to be friends! There's enough friendship and love in the world for everyone to survive if one more person is added to the mix. No one owns you and no one should be able to make you do certain things or hang out with certain people. Conversely, you don't own a friend and can't control who they like and do things with. You may or may not be included every single time in others' plans.

These are big thoughts for middle schoolers, but they can "get it". Not everyone will play along, and some will always choose competition and drama, but explain these truths to those who listen to you, and it will help those who have the ears to hear.

Be flexible. Give space. Give grace.

Don't Re-Live Your Own Drama, Mama

Middle school.

What do those words conjure up in your mind? Fun and popularity? Misfit and misfortune? Alone and invisible?

It's really quite interesting how well many adults still remember the dramas of their own teen experience.

When moms have daughters experiencing friend problems, especially girl drama, it can muster up some surprising emotions in moms still, who have not quite forgotten what they themselves experienced years ago.  Perhaps that's why a handful of adults dread having children of this age to guide- they don't feel like they were guided through, and really don't know how to navigate these years again, this time as the adult.

One word of caution- be careful not to project your old feelings and fears onto your child's experience.

If you find yourself riled up about something your daughter is going through, step back and ask yourself, "What am I really worked up about? Is it her situation, or is there something more?"

Are you re-living the old feelings you felt as a teen? Those feelings may be completely misplaced on your daughter's current situation.

Don't react quickly.

Step back.

Breathe.

Listen.

Be open minded.

Don't assume how she's feeling. Ask a question or two, but not too many.

Resist the urge to step in right away.  Help her think through how to navigate things herself.

Remember there is another side of the story. Help her try to see it from other angles.

Most problems blow over and solve themselves, so give it time.

If it's a problem that is bigger than one that would just normally blow over, let her know you're in it with her and will help her figure out how she can handle it.

Be her support and listening ear and place of acceptance.

Pray with her.

Encourage her to still act with character even when others may not.


Mom Activity just for yourself:

If you're a journaler, journal out (or at least think through) answers to these questions.

What are bad memories of girl drama that you experienced that still come to mind?

Do you have unresolved feelings about that?

Is there anything in particular you fear about your kids going through teen years?

Getting in touch with your own thoughts is one step to help you navigate through these years as a parent.

Are You Feeling Middle School Drama, Mama?

I am a parent survivor of middle school 3 times over. WHEW!

Here are some things I've learned.

No one is perfect.

Not even my sweet infallible children (or yours).

Girls interpret every move, nuance and breath as directed at them during this critical stage (whether it's meant toward them or not).

Some girls thrive on drama and will always cause it or gravitate toward it (for whatever reason). (Well, many girls would rather connect with conflict than have no connection at all.)

The majority of girls are terrified of discussing conflict with a friend (for fear of losing the friend).

The meanest usually have the worst behind the scenes problems (still doesn't make being mean okay, just a bit more understandable).

Listening to your daughter describe the friend drama, then leaning toward and teaching empathy first and as a way of life, is in my opinion the best first step. (Well maybe she had a hard day at home, or maybe she didn't mean it that way, but it still doesn't make how she treated you okay. Stay clear of her for awhile, or speak up for yourself respectfully. Empathy + removing yourself OR speaking up for yourself).

Your daughter (and mine) are most likely not telling you the entire story....(and just may be leaving out inconvenient self-incriminating details).

Few moms believe their daughters capable of some things (and many are surprised when they find out they are). So make sure and ask about their own role in the drama.

All the girls are navigating their way through some of the toughest years for girls. 

Moms get emotional about it and don't know what to do.

You're not alone. We all want to figure out this out.

Hence, this series! 

More to come. 

Is Girl Drama Inevitable?

I'm breezing through the book "Girl Wars" again by Cheryl Dellasega. So here's a few lines from what I'm reading this morning!


5 Random sentences that are interesting:

1. "Today's young women are subtly influenced to interact in ways that reduce rather than enhance their underlying power to connect with one another."

(the thing is, girls are actually designed to be good connectors. but in many atmospheres though they are "taught" to be competitive instead. the opposite.)


2. "Bombarded with messages about their physical appearance at an early age, they are expected to dress provocatively while maintaining straight "A" averages and excelling at sports."

(have heard it said this way too- expected to dress sexy but not act out on it, expected to get good grades, but have shallow interests, etc etc)


3. "They are labeled as mean "Queen Bees" but given no alternatives for more positive behaviors."

(if girls are not learning good behaviors from someone close, they will most likely be mimicking what is portrayed in media, which is not very positive. good behavior is not hard for those who see it lived out in family and close friends, and who learn from early age to respect other people. sometimes bad behavior isn't intentional, but when girls are caused to stop, think about and discuss things, they see the difference and can choose good over bad. they can relearn).


4. "Role models for today's teens are not powerful women who have succeeded because of their persistence and kindness to others, but rather superstar singers acting like sexy schoolgirls".

(enough said).

5. "No wonder young women find themselves in a state of extreme confusion, unsure of how to relate to either themselves or others".

(agree. very confusing to girls. be sexy, don't have sex. be young, be old. be smart, play dumb. be skinny, be happy with yourself. be nice, stand up for yourself.)


(continued excerpt): "The good news is that all across the country, mothers, girls and others are finding ways to help adolescents feel more secure about their own abilities and safe in their relationships with others. Slowly, their efforts are changing the "girl poisoning culture". There are groups around the country meeting with girls, teaching character and life skills. The number is still too small, but growing! It makes a world of difference to just meet and have a place that girls can talk through issues in life that are confusing. That's one of the things we'll be doing at this community workshop. Talking about healthy relationships, and how to deal with what is sometimes "accepted" as normal girl behavior (meanness), but shouldn't be.

Which leads me to the final quote from Girl Wars:

"We believe girls are NOT inherently cruel, and that although behaviors such as jealousy, gossiping, and joining cliques may be normal in terms of what we expect, they are not what we have to accept."

She says that after all her work and research, she believes "not only can girls be kind, they feel better about themselves when they are".

Some Helps for Friendship Drama

If you have a girl (or are one), there are friendship worries and woes going on at any given moment.

We can learn how to get better at handling them.

The next few blogs will be on this topic.

For starters, if you're looking for a book you or your daughter can read, there are some out there that I recommend.

Here are a few resources I have used that I find pretty helpful.

For elementary through possibly middle school- Christian Girls Guide to Friendship

For elementary, ideally 3rd-5th grade, American Girl has Friends- Making Them and Keeping Them

For middle school, American Girl has A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles.

For some of the more serious, intense, true mean girl stuff for older girls, from a Scripture based approach, I'd recommend Mean Girls- Facing Your Beauty Turned Beast by Hayley DiMarco.

For middle and high school, a newly found resource that seems to look great so far is Coping With Cliques by Susan Sprague.

Now, as I recommend other sources to you happily, while I'm writing my own, please support these great authors now, then support me when I finally have my own in print! (smile).

I tried to recommend a variety of types of books, as we have a varied reading audience. Check these out and find one that fits you.

Know that you will get alot of good advice and insight from each, but you may or may not agree with every answer given. Each of our girls situations are unique and each of us have strong opinions about relationship issues, especially involving our girls.

So use these as a guide, not as a rule book.

More to come!!

Top 5 Posts in 2012

Where did the year go???!!! It's a blur.

I thought you might enjoy knowing the 5 most-read blog posts from 2012. Kinda funny that the top one is about boys LOL!

I'm realizing how long it's been since our focus has been friend problems, middle school issues, etc...so be expecting that topic early in 2013! But for now...drum roll please....here are the top 5!


1. Actual Quotes from Teenaged Boys

2. Helping Your Daughter Choose Good Friends

3. How Do You Respond to a Mean Girl?

4. 5 Things Story- Raising a Daughter with a Disability

5. 5 things Story- Roberta Pepin, Mom of 10


HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! Enjoy tonight. May your new year be blessed.

How do you respond to a Mean Girl?

On the final day of Friendship Camp we defined Relational Aggression.

Remember how on Day Two the girls decided that boys fight physically and girls fight emotionally?

Relational Aggression, or RA, is a  fancy term for girls using relationships to mistreat each other- (silent treatment, exclusion, isolation, rumors, cliques, I won't be your friend if, etc).

We role played quite a bit using the MEAN GIRL, the TARGET, and the BYSTANDERS. Talked about feelings of each, motives of each and OPTIONS for girls to use if they are in any of those situations.

The girls were challenged all week to be SHE-ROS and to come to defense of yourself AND others when people are being mean. We had a black cape they got to wear when we role played :) The world needs more She-ros who are brave enough to stand up for something!

FYI- here are some tactics we shared that your daughter can use:

TARGETS-

No matter how much you have to fake, respond in confidence. She is less likely to pick on you if you appear confident. Even if you have to go around the corner and break down when she's gone.

Look her in the eye. If you're too scared for that, look at her nose or the top of her head. It'll look like you're looking her in the eye.

Remove yourself from the situation. A simple confident "that's not true" or "stop it" followed by leaving is fine.

Use humor to diffuse the situation.

BYSTANDERS-

All girls will be bystanders at some point, and they actually have a lot of power. Typically, bystanders are afraid to say anything to stop the meanness, because they know they could then become the target of meanness too. But better to be brave and be a she-ro.

We talked about having EMPATHY for the Target and doing something about it.

Simply say something to the MG. "hey lay off" or "hey that's not true" or "what are you doing? leave her alone". 

Body language- just go stand by the target. They won't feel alone and now MG is looking at two people instead of one.

Bystanders band together and leave MG.

Go up to target and say "hey let's go to class" and walk off with them- just help them get out of the situation.

If it's a really bad situation, tell an adult.

At the end of the day we videoed girls telling some things they learned this week. I was so happy to hear them quickly say solid practical things they left with! Woo hoo!

A Big Friendship Secret...Sssshhhhhh!

Yesterday I highlighted Day One of our Friendship Camp.  Even snuck in a few cute pics. Day Two was even more fun as we had activities that helped us really get to know each other, and we got into some nitty gritty stuff about the issues girls fight about.

We had lively discussion about how boys fight versus how girls fight.  The perceptive and brilliant girls came up with their own conclusion (I just asked three questions and let them talk). Conclusion? Boys fight physically vs. girls fighting mentally and emotionally (aIthough unfortunately girl physical fighting isn't completely unusual.)

Girls discussed this at their table with a group first, then we discussed it as a group.

 Another interesting dialogue was based on the pros and cons of having one best friend - and the pros of having a variety of friends in our lives.

At this upper elementary age, it seems the most common thing I come across is friends fighting with each other about who is friends with whom.

The strength and frequency of this problem frustrates me as I watch girls stress over it....

SO I told the girls A BIG SECRET. 

Friends are gifts. We don't own each other. 

What?!? (explain please)

You are allowed to have more than one friend!

And your friends are allowed to have more than just you as a friend!

Isn't that good news?!

So why are you giving your best friend a hard time because she spent time with another girl yesterday?

And why are you stressing out that your best friend doesn't want you to ever invite a different friend over to hang out?

"If you're going to be friends with her, then I'm not going to be friends with you." (most common line ever).

What if your answer was "Ok."? Not a mean OK, just "ok". (As in- instead of having to receive her words as a panicked threat, it's more like "wow, ok, that's sad, I'll miss you but I wanna be friends with her, so I guess that means we can't hang out anymore if you're making me choose...so wow, sad, let me know when you change your mind cuz I like you both" kind of thing. Make sense? :D

What would happen? (is that plausible?)

Nobody owns you. You don't own anyone. Friends are gifts that are given into our lives and we should treat them with care. And you should be expected to be treated with care.

Not an earthshaking revelation...but maybe a small enough of one to trigger a new thought...a bit of good news...a new shift in perspective. Some girls seemed to light up a bit when they realized they don't have to stay stuck in the murk and mire of the drama of who vs. who vs. who is with who. "Wait! I don't have to play this?!"

And it's definitely not a RUDE thing! We don't have to get sassy and full of an "Nobody owns ME!" attitude!

But we can do a simple mental shift and release ourselves from feeling the pressure of being dominated by someone. Or from our own attempts to control other people. 

 

It doesn't solve everything, but it does give a beginning point.

 

The idea I tried to share is that there's enough love to go around. If we can grow towards being accepting of the fact that we can all have many friends, and that we don't have to feel threatened by someone else, the world would be an easier place.

That's a lofty goal for some at this age, (and adult age haha) but it doesn't change the truth of it. Giving an explanation and a standard to rise to is helpful.

Helping Your Daughter Choose Good Friends

Just in case you hadn't heard already, last week was our first Community Workshop for girls, aka Girls 101

What a fun time we had. Many more opportunities to come, Girls 101 is just getting started!

(yes my name tag is on my skin, it wouldn't stick to my clothes)

Day one of Friendship Camp was approached by 15 fourth and fifth grade girls (most of whom didn't know each other) with the hope of fun, the slight awkwardness of not knowing people, and with a little relief that there was something to do INSIDE during the deluge of rain we received over Spring Break.

Our very brave very first volunteer got to get COVERED UP. Because there was a room full of girls that don't know each other, we wrote down thoughts that we think but don't say out loud....judgements or opinions we make at times without truly knowing someone. Ex. I don't need any more friends, I'm too shy to say anything, you look like you already know people, I think I'm cooler than you, you go to that other rival school, you look funny, etc etc. Some of the feelings are valid and we learn to work past them, but many are unfair judgments against people that blind us from new friends and opportunities!

The girls had to decide which thoughts to leave at the door! Well mission accomplished, because by lunch girls who had just met were laughing and talking it up!

As the girls spent time getting to know one another, a lengthy discussion was based around what qualities we enjoy in friends, as well as what types of things cause friction in friendships.

An object lesson involved writing down the positive and negative traits on individual circles and gluing them on a silhouette of a person. The good traits went inside, and the negative traits went outside. 

We discussed how everyone makes mistakes (and will at times do things on the outer parts!) so friends have to be open to talking through and forgiving each other. But also, if we are hanging out with a friend that does mostly negative all of the time, that sometimes we have to rethink if that is a good friendship.  Are we constantly disappointed or in conflict with a friend, or is it just occasional? Can you usually work it out together or does it just get worse?

Then the biggest question is, where do we ourselves fit? Am I mostly exhibiting the good character traits? Do I try and make the negative traits minimal? And then, where do my friends fit?

We are not judging people, but learning how to choose good relationships based on what makes healthy friendships.  All make mistakes and we must learn to discuss and forgive.

But we do have a choice of who to spend large amounts of time with and who to invest our lives in.

Who we hang out with determines much of who we become!

Discussion Starter:

Draw a big circle. What's important to you in a friendship? Think about your favorite friends. Name 5 reasons why they make a good friend and write those inside of the circle.

Now try and name 5 things that girls do that make friendships difficult- traits that girls have that make you not want to be friends with them.  Write those 5 negative traits outside of the circle.

As you look at your picture, where do you fit most of the time? Where do your friends fit most of the time?

Do you understand that everyone makes mistakes, but hopefully the majority of our behavior is positive.