Healthy Dating Relationships- Part 1

"What does a healthy dating relationship look like?"

I've been asked more than once by older teens or girls in young twenties who are ready to consider a life long relationship.

It caused me to stop and really think.



Caring about another person is a vulnerable thing. It's hard for some people to be vulnerable, because it leads to a chance to be hurt. But that's part of it. Part of life. We get hurt sometimes. The fear of possibly being hurt can't stop us from a great adventure with rewards that are greater than the risk!

The subject of dating nowadays is a bit different than it was 20 years ago. Dating has become so complicated according to 1) my observations and 2) what girls have said. Now I've seen some young couples who have done things the way we are used to- they meet, get to know one another by talking and being together, he asks her out on dates, and they eventually become exclusive.

On the other hand, too many girls have said that they are disappointed with boys that seem to be in fear of them, or don't know how to start a conversation, or ask them out on dates, or rely too hard on social media for communicating.

The number of girls who have never dated is huge! (I'm sure moms of boys have things to say about this, and I welcome your comments. We would love to hear from you!!)

In the "old days", we dated to have fun with someone we may like, and eventually realized we both couldn't live without each other, or we parted ways. Nowadays it seems that couples want to have a commitment before they even start dating.

There is so much pressure to know where you stand instead of getting to know each other and taking a risk.

Sometimes it seems couples want to know the end  result before they start dating.

So what's my advice? Have fun without knowing the end result.

You may decide you really like him. You may decide you want to move on. You may marry him. You may break up! Young people say "I don't want to waste time". No one does. But there's no way to know ahead of time if you're going to marry someone. The risk is part of life. But so is the fun and the people you meet along the way. I heard great advice from someone- "Just leave them better than you found them if it doesn't work out".

Can we come back to a balance from the days of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye?" (I just finally read that book 10+ years later. I don't really agree with that approach, but was intrigued with the influence it had on our Christian culture, so I gave in and read it for myself).

Young people are so concerned with only dating who they are going to marry that they have become paralyzed in a way.

Sometimes you just have to date, chill, and have fun while you figure it out.

Ask God for direction and know that He will. He's not opposed to innocent fun. Or friendships. Or love.

We've made life into a complex puzzle in some ways, instead of embracing the process.

Stay tuned for part two.

4th and 5th Grade Girls- The Worst Time of Day

Last week began a new Girls 101 workshop at a local elementary school.

To get things started, we did some brainstorming on first thoughts that come to mind when you hear the topic "Girls" or "Friends".

The first column are all the good things that friendships bring. I'm sure you can see from the second column, these are the negative things that come along with friendships among girls.

So is it a given that drama has to be a part of a girl's life?

Well, it's hard to avoid it completely, so there are some things we can talk through and learn about that help to deal with complications as they arise. Girls can feel a little more equipped at least, instead of helpless.

We challenge girls to think through the behavior of the offender, what motivates people to be mean in the first place. What's nice about doing workshops in schools, I have no idea who the nice ones or the mean ones are, (many can be both) and we talk freely about the issues, challenging each to the same standards.

According to girls everywhere, a lot happens at lunch and recess.  Many say recess is the worst because it's face to face conflict. Other times of the day, messages are being sent through other people, so it's more indirect, but recess is the mean person's chance to get face to face with you.

Discussion Starters:  Ask your daughter what lunchtime and recess are like at her school. Does she dread either for any reason? Does she see bad behavior happening to people? If so, take the opportunity to tell her your thoughts on how she can stand up for herself or others.

Hidden Thoughts of Tweens

I'm working on a project, so I pulled out a file from my cabinet. In it are many, many papers full of anonymous statements girls have written over the years during meetings and workshops.

When given the chance to air (even anonymously) the negative thoughts that nag their minds, they are happy to do so. Girls from various schools, various grades and situations in life have contributed, yet their statements are always strangely similar. 




I'm too shy.
I'm too quiet. Too sensitive.
I'm too loud.
I'm too ugly. Too skinny.
I'm so ugly.
I feel like I'm not worth it. I'm never going to fit in.
I'm not cool.
I'm too nice.
I wish I was better.
I feel like I'm not loved.
I'm too fat.
I feel not needed.

Girls everywhere have to overcome thoughts like these. Whether they have much or little, appear popular or subdued, one thing I've learned is most girls fight these feelings.

Many thoughts are based on looks, because we as a culture emphasize that more than anything, to our detriment.

Many thoughts are based in not being confident to be who they are. Goodness, we adults are still learning that, aren't we!?

Girls should remember that all girls, even the ones who appear most confident and perfect, and those who may even appear indifferent, all fight similar inner battles.

This is a good reason to be nice to each other. We have no idea what inner struggles people are going through. A nice person can make all the difference. So can a mean one. For good or bad.

During the tween years, there is tremendous pressure to become like everyone else. But isn't that bizarre?

There is no way every person can be the same. Tweens feel pressure to conform, to be loud or to be quiet, to be cool and confident, anything to fit in.

Yet if they aren't being true to themselves, trying to conform to everyone else will eventually wear them down.

If everyone is fighting the same battles, how about helping each other through them?

Discussion Starter:

Show your daughter these statements that other real girls have written. Ask her if they are common thoughts among girls she knows. Maybe it will lead to the thoughts she struggles with.

True Story- He Was Perfect, And Secretly Abusive

photo credit: www.dosomething.org

This true story I am sharing with permission, in my own words based on what a friend shared with me about her high school experience.

She grew up in a Christian home and went to private Christian school. This story happened a few years ago. This beautiful is girl now in her twenties and married to a great guy who truly loves her.

In high school, she started out in a dating relationship with a guy who seemed perfect. He was the football star, won the Christian awards at school, chosen for Homecoming court, everyone liked him. Including the adults in her life. In fact, he was "approved" to date.

She was surrounded by her loving family, good friends and many good adults, in a private Christian school, yet found herself in an abusive dating relationship in high school. It can happen anywhere.

Later she found he had a bit of a past that made him lacking in how to have a healthy relationship. She found herself dating Mr. Perfect, but hearing things like "Wear this, do that, you're too skinny, or ugly...Be glad you're with me because no one else would want to be with you." He became controlling and possessive. 

At first there was verbal abuse as described above, then some physical things began (throwing and breaking items). Being forced sexually occurred also.

She didn't tell anyone for a long time. She thought something was wrong with her, that she was a terrible person. Everyone liked him. 

Then she didn't know how to break up. And began to be afraid to be alone with him. 

Her mom began to know something was wrong, though she would've never guessed what it actually was. No one would. But her mom felt something, and began asking questions. One night her mom heard him over the phone in the background freaking out and breaking stuff. She moved her to another school.

When she finally later confessed the two year ordeal to her family, terrified to tell because she thought it was her fault, her family was obviously completely devastated. They felt incredibly guilty as parents for not seeing. But they loved their daughter and never saw it as her fault. They helped each other restore back to healthy, healed outlooks and lives.

Now, in her own words today she shares some wisdom gained from this experience, that she'd like to share with girls and those who love them. 

"The main point is just to watch out for the kind of men that want to control every bit of your life. It starts out small: For example, a controlling man may start telling you what to wear, what to listen to, watch, and where to go. Then it may get to the point where he might control who you spend your time with. Like me, you may be only allowed to spend time with him. My ex-boyfriend eventually starting making me believe that my friends and family didn't have my best interests at heart, and told me that he was the only one who knew how to take care of me. He would threaten to leave or embarrass me if I spent too much time with other people, or if I wanted to do the different things I enjoyed.

With the control came lots of verbal abuse. I was told I was stupid, ugly, and worthless all the time. Unfortunately, I was already very insecure going into the relationship so it was easier for me to believe all of the hurtful things he would say. I became very depressed and unmotivated to do anything anymore. My world just became this guy who treated me terribly, and I believed I deserved a relationship like this because I didn't know my worth.

I would encourage women to be very cautious when picking a man to be in their lives. For the safety of your heart the dating process should be taken slowly. Also, make sure you have trustworthy family and friends close by; they may see things you don't at first. Love can sometimes be very blind when you are infatuated with another. If you find yourself losing relationships and the things you once loved doing due to the man in your life, you may not be in a very healthy relationship. Don't date someone to find yourself, you have to be confident in who you are going into this. We are daughters of God and we need to be patient and wait for the kind of godly man that wants to encourage us and bring us closer to God and all of the beautiful things in life. I know it was extremely hard to break my relationship off; I was very afraid of what he may do. I was very blessed to have my family and friends by my side to help me break the relationship off, and help me see my worth so I wasn't tempted to go back to him. I would encourage young women in this situation to go to someone they can trust to help them break it off and counsel with them about unhealthy relationships. We are beautiful inside and out and we should be cared for and protected."

Can Your BF Pass this Quiz?

Stop Teen Abuse Credit: Carey Hope

"He's so dreamy, so nice, so thoughtful."

Then over time, he begins to do some things that make you a little uncomfortable, but maybe, you think, it's just a bad day? You find yourself thinking, "Maybe I did something wrong to cause it? Surely that won't be normal."

You find yourself explaining him to people...

"It's kinda sweet, he always wants to know where I am and who I'm with. He really cares... kinda romantic!"

"He just doesn't like my friends that much, I mean, he likes them I guess, but he'd rather not hang out with them. That's ok.... I guess."

Do you ever wonder about some things your boyfriend does? Is it normal?

There are a couple of great websites to help answer that question.

One is www.loveisrespect.org. This website is FULL of info, resources, quizzes, help for teens and parents, and even a text-in peer advocate line.

If you want to take the quiz to see if you are in a healthy relationship, click here: Healthy Relationship Quiz. 

Another great source- Here is a checklist from www.stayteen.org: 

DATING ABUSE CHECKLIST

Sometimes it can be almost impossible to look at your relationship objectively. But if you’re concerned that your partner is abusive, your instincts are probably right. Go through our dating abuse checklist and see if your partner has said or done any of the things below. Can you answer agree with some or many of the statements below? If so, it’s time to think about getting help and getting out.

• My partner teases me in ways that hurt my feelings.
• My partner calls me mean names like "stupid" or "fat" or “worthless”.
• My partner acts jealous of the time I spend with friends, family, or people I’m in class with.
• My partner gets angry about the clothes I wear or how I style my hair or they try to control how I look.
• My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by my house, or getting someone else to call/drive by my house.
• My partner always wants to know who I talk to on the phone or who I’ve texted.
• My partner says it’s my fault when they have a bad day or are in a bad mood.
• My partner throws or destroys things when angry.
• My partner hits walls, drives dangerously, or does other things that scare me.
• My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs.
• My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do.
• My partner often accuses me of cheating or of being into other people.
• My partner doesn’t respect my privacy (he/she reads my email, goes through my personal things, demands access to my desk/locker, insists on seeing my text message history).
• My partner has threatened to hurt me.
• My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave.
• My partner has intentionally hit, kicked, slapped, punched, or otherwise hurt me.
• My partner has given me visible bruises, welts, or cuts.
• My partner forces me to go further sexually than I want to.
• My partner is mean to me in front of other people, but sweet, kind, and apologetic when we’re alone.
• My friends have told me they worry about me because of my partner/ think my partner is abusive.

Talk to a parent or adult today. Get someone else's opinion. Be honest with them. You deserve to be treated with respect.

You can call or text this Hotline- 24 hours a day. Seven days a week.

Text "loveis" to 77054. Or call 1-866-331-9474

Lucille Ball Said It All

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." ~ Lucille Ball

Good news is, I believe change can be made.


But as Lucille said, it has to be faced first.

February is National Dating Violence Awareness Month.

And it's an ugly topic. Not fun to write about. Why do I do it anyway?

Because the first time I brought this topic up with girls, not even thinking they needed it, not even knowing for a fact that it was an issue in their world, two girls told me afterwards they had relationships they needed to get out of, before things got worse. I was floored. And each year since, I know of at least one more similar story, just from my little world. That's why this is a must every year. There are signs before anything ever gets physical. Do you know what they are?

Awareness is a must. Education works.


A very good definition of what dating violence is, comes from an Oklahoma government website.  "Dating violence is the use of harassing, controlling, and/or abusive behavior to maintain power and control over a partner in a romantic relationship. It can take the form of emotional/verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, stalking, or a combination of abusive behaviors. Anyone can be a victim of dating violence regardless of age, race, or gender. Teens are particularly vulnerable to dating violence due to their young age and inexperience with romantic relationships." 

In my state, the statistics are much higher than the national average according to this news story and statistics from the YMCA, Oklahoma Ranks High on Dating Violence. Three times the national average for Oklahoma high school freshmen! Not good.

So one purpose this month is to educate on healthy and unhealthy relationship signs. 

There are some great resources from organizations on the Internet. Please check out www.loveisrespect.org, www.stayteen.org, www.dvis.org, 


Discussion Starters: Take opportunity to talk through daily things that come up in relationships that your kids see. What do you think of that? Do you think she's treating him well? Do you think he's respecting her? Would you put up with that from someone?

That way we can casually talk about healthy relationship qualities with our kids, when it's not them involved, so they aren't defensive.

How to Help Your Teen Have Healthy Relationships-Pt. 1

February is  National Teen Dating Violence Awareness  Month. 

(Keep reading!!)


It could be easy to brush it off and think "Oh, thank goodness that doesn't apply to anyone I know!" But I beg  you to read on, if not for yourself, than to be educated,  for the sake of all the people you know and influence.

Dating violence sounds extreme, and it can be. And we would hope rare. But it does happen. 

However, there are many smaller signs leading up to potential violence that our kids need to recognize. I have found that smaller signs of pretty unhealthy behavior is alarmingly common. It may not be a physical abuse yet, but it's a sign of potential trouble down the road. 

We need to put some standards out there of what should be expected and what's not acceptable in dating relationships.

My eyes have been opened after discussing this topic among girls.  After going over warning signs of potentially dangerous relationships, I've heard, "Ohhhhhh...my boyfriend kind of does that...." (some of the more stalker type stuff).  I've heard of girls covering bruises with makeup. I've had girls recognize that their boyfriends were just controlling, but when they found out that's not normal, they reconsidered the relationship and got out. 

Unfortunately dating abuse does happen. And it doesn't have to be physical. Being treated in a very controlling way, taking you from family and friends, demanding to know where you are and who you're with 24 hours a day, are all signs of a danger zone ahead.  


Then there are just unhealthy relationships that may not be dangerous, but just aren't good.

Some teens don't know this. We need to tell them. What's obvious to us may not be obvious to them. I'm happy to say some girls that learned these are bad signs broke up with guys. A little education can go a long way.

And sometimes it's the girls who are abusive, controlling or unhealthy. My first year of marriage we lived in an apartment under a violent couple. It was the cute little twenty something girl that beat her boyfriend. This definitely goes both ways. Guys need to be just as aware as girls do, what constitutes a healthy relationship.

January 31, 2012 President Obama issued a Presidential Proclamation  that February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention month. 

At the top this website, click on National Dating Violence Awareness Month, for a ton of good resources and more information (including quizzes and hotlines to text for help).

Throughout this month, I'll be writing on this topic. It will be sporadically placed throughout the month. I'll share a couple of real stories that girls have been willing to share. 


I beg you to push through the feeling of wanting to ignore this. Inform yourself. Watch for signs. Talk through this with your kids. 

People that act abusively need help and I hope will get it, but the girlfriend or boyfriend is not the one to help them. No matter how many times they apologize. If you find out someone you know faces any of the warning signs we'll talk about this month, SPEAK UP.  You have permission to get in their business. They honestly may not know some behaviors are not normal. You may save them.

The last day of this month, we are hosting a COMMUNITY TALK on this topic. A few different people will be sharing info, stories and resources. At the end, for those who can stay (and it's totally worth it!!) the Lifetime movie "Reviving Ophelia" will be shown. This fictional movie is a great visual and discussion starter of the topic of high school dating abuse. 

Feb. 28, 2013. 6:30pm. Believers Church 4705 S. Memorial. Females age 13 and up welcome.

And now, a video from www.loveisrespect.org.

Yet Another Suicide. More Bullying.

For those of us in my city, a couple of days ago came the sad news of yet another suicide, this one at the I High in Coweta. There have been way too many in our city this year.

Some of the suicides this year have hinted at being results of possible bullying, some we will never know.

However, according to many students, parents and witnesses, this week's 9th grade boy appeared to have been a victim of sure bullying, according to this news report. We are so sorry and send prayers to his family and friends. For the full story, click on this link below, highlighted in blue.

But first, it gets worse. This seems to be an ongoing issue in this particular area. One girl from this same area came forward to tell about being a victim of intense bullying also. According to the news story, it sounds like parents have already been banding together in this area trying to take some action against an obvious problem. In this news link, a copy of one of the vicious notes left in this girl's locker is posted for all of us to see. It's important to look at it, though the news story cautions "Graphic Content". Please take a look.

ARTICLE IN NEWS TODAY on KRMG

Thank goodness the girl told someone, who thankfully told her parents. Unfortunately it looks like when the school did take some action, the perpetrators just changed victims. Unfortunately, the next victim took his life this week.

I have no idea which schools in our city take action and which say "kids will be kids", so I cannot comment to that.

But I do know that it's complex and terrible and needs some action. Snapping bra straps and tripping someone in the hallway may have been the problems years ago, but now there are some terrible actions being taken that are way beyond comprehension. The note in that news article is a perfect example of the brutality of some things happening today.

For adults to just say "kids will be kids" doesn't work anymore. Sometimes just telling a kid to "suck it up" doesn't work.

On the flip side, some schools are so stringent now, we end up with stories like this one in the news today about the 7 year old boy suspended from school for throwing a fake grenade. He said he was playing "Save the World" and threw the fake grenade to destroy evil and save the world. Pretty typical behavior for young boys. Surely schools can find a happy medium between this severity of action, and "kids will be kids". 

Please tell someone if you are being treated this way. Tell someone who cares.

Please tell someone if you know a friend is being treated this way. Even if your friend gets mad.

Use your schools anonymous tip line if you don't want to be known. If your school doesn't have one, ask them to set one up. 

Adults, take time to learn and listen, not to just brush off reports as kids being too sensitive. Stand up for them if something bad is happening to them. If you know something and don't want to be known, you use the anonymous tip line at the school too! It can be scary to confront- do it anonymously if you can't in person. 

People have gotten a little weary of the word bullying, I know. We can't call every conflict between individuals bullying, or we lessen the weight of true bullying. But what seems to be going on at this local school is true bullying- when a student receives a letter that says, "You stupid attention whore. Pigs like you deserve to get slaughtered. Just make everybody happier and die. JUST DIE." Perpetrators like this need to be found and punished. 

After the death this week, one mom started a Facebook Page called  Oklahoma Parent's Alliance Against Bullying. She posts some helpful tips for how to take action within the school system if your child is being bullied. 

OK Parents Alliance Against Bullying shared some good tips today.  Keep copies of every form of proof of harassment. Keep the notes, texts, emails, print out the IM's, social media, etc. 

Also, on the Oklahoma Dept of Education website, there is a lot of info on bullying, complete with official forms to fill out when reporting an incident. 

If your school doesn't respond effectively, move on up to the next level to report it again.

Meanwhile, let's stay busy with our own kids and all of those in our sphere of influence, being a good role model and teaching how to have character and be a good person. 

And I'll continue trying to grow Girls 101 Workshops and get them into schools, where one of the things we cover is issues like these. 

Phones and Social Media- Some Parents' Rules

Since my three recent posts, Dating Amongst Tweens, Dads Against Daughters Dating and At Some Point They Will Date, I've been thinking of the moms who do not have a husband at all to handle dating scenarios as they come up, and also those ladies who have a husband who is very hands off and unwilling in these matters.

I don't want to leave you out or leave you feeling discouraged that for whatever reason, your teens don't have a dad to enforce what you wish. Doing that alone is hard work. The answer to that dilemma is not easy. To be both roles yourself, or to find a father figure that your teen will listen to.

Through conversations I had with dads for those blog posts, some tips came up that might be valuable. I'd like to offer these out to everyone, but especially to moms in this situation. These tips can be used very well by dad or mom. In fact, in our house I enforce a lot of these myself, and just leave the big stuff to my husband. These are some steps that are helpful that will probably occur before dating even starts, so having some standards in place early on is helpful.


Here are some thoughts:

Our 16 year old daughter always has to ask us if a boy wants to be her "friend" on Facebook and we have to approve. She can not ask a boy to be Facebook friends first. She is not allowed to chat boys on Facebook either, unless she's related to them, or we know them very well. :)

We told our kids that they can't just give out their phone numbers willy nilly.

I've told my girls the benefit of giving out a google phone number instead of their cell phone number. With a google number, you can block people that you wish you hadn't given your number to or ever have a problem with. But the calls will forward to your real cell phone number. 

In middle school, my daughter is not allowed to give her number to boys, therefore she can't text them either. She can ask me about certain guys and if I approve it, I get their number also, so I have a list of boys numbers that are approved and who they are.

We do random phone and contact checks to see who they are talking to. I know sometimes kids "hide" people in their phone by listing them under someone else's name. My kids have to be ready to answer for everyone in their phone.

I don't let my kids "friend" anyone more than a couple of years older than them of the opposite sex unless it's a good family friend we know well. There's nothing to gain by them "getting to know" a guy or girl that much older.

We don't allow friending adults without asking us first. Has to be approved first. Teachers or coaches don't get cell phone numbers either. (We personally had this understanding too-my daughter was told if an adult asked for a cell number, to just give them mine.)

I reserve the right to have my kids "defriend" or "unfollow" people if I don't like what I see. If they want to stay on social media, that's part of it.

Much of  teens communication comes through these channels before dating ever starts, so having boundaries here in cell phones and social media is a good precursor to handling dating issues later.



 

Dating Series- At Some Point They Will Date.

So what do we do when "dating" and boyfriends rears its ugly head as early as 11 or 12 years old?
Click here to find out!  Dating Amongst Tweens

As I asked several dads for their opinions on daughters dating, the collective opinion seemed to be a big fat no! Read here:  Dads Against Daughters Dating.

Today I want to share some more similar thoughts from dads, and also how they handle the transition into inevitable dating, when their daughters ARE old enough. Because eventually she's gonna go out with someone right?

There are different approaches towards this. Hopefully in these different approaches and philosophies you can find one that works for you.

Scenario 1- When a 16 year old daughter asked to hang out with a guy friend alone, the guy had to come see the dad first at home, even if the date was just an hour at Sonic.  They would chat about life, or he would throw out random questions to see how the guy handled it. That lasted for quite awhile before he stopped putting him through the process. That dad has the philosophy that boys and girls that are "friends" are never just friends, and someone always ends up liking each other. For that reason, he does not have a different category for how he treats "friends" or "boyfriends". If you want to hang out with his daughter, even as a friend, you go through the same treatment a boyfriend would.

Scenario 2- A daughter is in 9th grade. A group of friends want to go out together. Though no one claims to like each other, the group is 2 boys and 2 girls. Only because the dad knew all kids involved, and knew their families, did he allow it. If he hadn't known the kids and the families, he wouldn't have allowed it at 15.  But the boys were still required to call him first, get his permission and talk to him about the outing. It had a very safe feel to it.

Scenario 3- Dad does not allow any outings at all until the boy meets with him and goes through a series of questions with the dad. Dad sets out a very clear plan of what he wants for his daughter and what he expects from the boy in his behavior.

Scenario 4- After relenting to let his daughter date at age 18 to a pretty good guy, dad still set limits on how much time could be spent together each week. It could not be together all the time every day.

Lastly, I'd like one more dad, who has two teen daughters, to share his philosophy.

"Here are my thoughts on allowing my daughters to "date" in their early to mid teen (13-17) years.

I do not see any scriptural support for allowing daughters or sons to date in the traditional American sense.  The pattern we find in scripture is one where dating (courtship or even engagement might be a better description) was for the purpose of leading to marriage. So unless I, as a father, am ready to let my daughter marry between the ages of 13-17 then dating is not an option.

I am all for my daughters getting to know someone better who they have an interest in, through correspondence and conversation in controlled environments, but even then not until the mid teen years. During this time they should observe the young mans spiritual walk, how he treats her, how he treats his mother and siblings and his respect and obedience toward his father.

Then assuming they find themselves compatible with one another and could see that the relationship could lead further towards the engagement and marriage path, I would be comfortable before the Lord that a "dating" relationship could begin."

This dad's daughter, when she was 18, had a boy interested in her. He approached this dad and asked if he had permission to get to know his daughter better. The boy and girl wrote letters back and forth and texted for a few months (happened to be long distance, family friends who had moved away). Then he approached dad again and asked if he could commit to a more dating relationship with her, meaning that he could foresee the possibility of wanting to marry her one day. Permission granted. So phonecalls and skyping joined the letters and texts. Two years later they are still dating and visiting each other.

Basically, there are many routes to take. These dads just want to make sure their daughters are well treated and respected and protected. There are still dads out there who set boundaries and require things of boys. It isn't always easy to do, because girls may resist it and find it unnecessary, but a decent guy is usually up for the challenge. So dads if you're feeling old school or wimpy, step up! You're not alone. Though it's not as common, there is still a need for dads to play their protective role over their daughters.

As my husband puts it, as the girls get older, he can't stop things from happening, but he can definitely be a good speed bump.

Awkward Talk #4 - To The Parents

Jadyn Noelle Photography

Awkward Talks. I wish we didn't have to have them. I wish they weren't needed.

But they are.

What is an Awkward Talk? (def)- important subjects to talk about that may cover topics not easily addressed due to uncomfortable feelings, or that may not fit easily into normal day to day conversation.

If you missed out on the awkwardness we have already covered, don't be left out! Here they are:

Talk #1- Creepers and Pedophiles

Talk #2- To Tell or Not to Tell

Talk #3- Living in a Porn Culture

These talks were all created  to help you, the parents, cover topics with your children, at whatever level their age makes appropriate.


Today, Awkward Talk #4 is a little different. It's me talking to you, the parents.

The awkward part is that you're probably not going to think this applies to you or your kid. But you're the ones I'm talking to. It very well possible that it does apply to them, right now. Especially if you think it doesn't.

I've heard too many stories that make me realize no one is immune. Things happen all the time with kids that are supposed to be the ones "who never would". I haven't met any one yet that is beyond something we think them incapable of. Because we're all human! No one is perfect or mistake free. Yes, even "good kids".


So if you think "not my kids", stop, at least read this, then consider doing some random checks. At least you'll know for sure. (Better yet, check more than once, at random times.)


Here are some of the random things that I know have happened over the last 9 years of having teens, knowing many and meeting with teen girls from various schools, among good kids from great families.



have sent and/or received sexts (texts with nudity).

have met strangers on trips out of town and put their phone numbers in their phones to communicate with them when they're back home.

won't let anyone on their phones and keep them super private.

parents don't know their kids passwords on their phones, and have no idea what they do on them, or who they are talking to.

put some people under fake names in their phones so parents don't know who they really are. 

talk differently on texts than they ever do in front of parents. 

have had inappropriate relationships with a teacher that started through texting.

have accessed p o r n



To name a few.


Everytime I think I'm overboard and too serious, I hear of another real story right here in my little world, that makes me realize no, this stuff is real and going on. We have to pay attention.

Nothing in itself is the end of the world, but with a little checking, some wrong paths can be averted.

Every kid messes up at some point, and with all the things in their worlds that we didn't have, it's more complicated and there's more opportunity for mess ups. Let's at least make it difficult to mess up.

First, let's get informed. Here is an article that I found that super helpful:

10 Technology Secrets Kids Keep From Their Parents


You can find out a lot about someone by their openness with their phone, their apps, their statuses, tweets and favorites.


What should we do?


Know all of their passwords if you don't already. Email, Facebook, Twitter, cell phones, Tumblr, Instagram.

Do random checks on each. Know who their phone contacts are. Look at the apps on their phone. Make sure they really know their Facebook friends.  Read their statuses, their tweets. Read their "favorited" tweets. Google their name. Look at the web history on your computer. Look at the trash bin on your computer. Read your phone bill and see who, how much and when they are texting and talking. And ask questions. (If you have no idea how to do this, bring over a web savvy friend for coffee to teach you).

Let them know you reserve the right to read anything if you have a gut feel you need to. Some parents read their kids texts. We reserve the right, but rarely do, unless a gut feel comes along.
Definitely check out your own child. There may come a time you want to even check out their friends you don't know, boyfriends/girlfriends...whoever they are spending time with. They call this "creepin", but it's a perfectly public way to get info on someone. It is public domain. You won't have friends' passwords obviously, but you can see Facebook or Twitter if it is not privately set. You can learn a lot that way.

Are there any kids who come out unscathed by all this? Of course. But I'm just asking you to not assume it. Don't assume yours never would. Because they might. Every kid deserves to be checked up on, to keep them safe in this complicated world.

If you find something, don't freak out. Cool down, and at a good time, broach the subject, with proof. Use it as a teaching time, discussion, boundaries, corrections.

It's okay for you as a parent to have all of your kids passwords and for you to check on them. You can still give them privacy overall, but let them know that random checks at your discretion will be happening. It's for their safety. I believe in privacy to a degree, but with all the complications and dangers in the world, there is a limit to that as far as I'm concerned. I know not everyone will agree and that's okay. (Just giving my opinion).

It pays to be tech savvy when you're a parent.

Hopefully that wasn't too awkward...and I hope and pray that when you check on your child, you don't find a thing offensive.

Awkward Talk #3 - Living in a P o r n Culture

oh boy. where to start. this is a biggie.
this post will barely hit the tip of the iceburg, but it's a start.

This summer we are sharing 5 Awkward Talks to have with your children...talks that may not come up naturally in conversation...talks that one of you may be uncomfortable with. The first had to do with creepers and pedophiles. The second with helping your child know when it's important to share certain information with you.

Today is the big awkward topic of p o r n. It's so pervasive in our culture. Advertising, and even our entertainment are heavily influenced by p o r n.  In fact, we may even need to define p o r n to our kids. Drastic changes have happened so fast in the last 10 years, with access to technology, that what  used to be considered soft porn "back in the day"  may be "normal" to our kids now.  Do they even consider it p o r n? This doubt was confirmed as I asked teens...is it naked people? Almost naked people? What is it exactly? We need to define p o r n as we're talking to our kids, so let's go to www.dictionary.com.

P o r n is defined as "writings, photographs, etc., intended to cause sexual excitement". Wow. Interesting. That's broad.

Some might think, "Now where would my child actually see p o r n o g r a p h y?" Anywhere. Anytime. In your house. On their phone. On that laptop. On their friend's phone. On a tv show.

Now with internet, phone apps, You Tube, TV, movies etc, there's no sneaking needed. It used to be harder to access- you had to go to a store, buy a magazine and hide it. Apparently, (so I've heard), for quick thrills guys would sneak peeks at the underwear section of the Penney's catalog. Wouldn't we love to have those days back??

Now anyone in the house can easily access porn if they want, unless due diligence is paid by us parents. Even then, odds are it will happen. Heck, now you can even see soft p o r n if you read some news websites (which is why I wonder if some even realize that's the p o r n of yesterday). It's so normal now. Our younger kids have never been in anything BUT an oversexualized society, so they don't know any differently.

In the last few years our media culture has plummeted at an amazing rate and we are sliding fast and furious into an oversexualized p o r n i f i e d culture, where almost everything is sexualized. This is a dangerous breeding ground for all things toxic, with long term affects on us as people.  If we want to save our kids from addictive habits that can destroy themselves, their relationships and future families, we need to have this conversation. More than once.

Vicki Courtney, an author on raising teens, says in her blog in May 2012,

"A couple of weeks ago, I saw several articles in the news reporting the results of a parliamentary study in the UK that should serve as a wake-up call to parents in the U.S. When it comes to the number of children and teens viewing pornography, we’re not far behind our friends in the UK, so we’d be wise to consider their findings. Consider the following statistics:

• Four out of five 16-year-old boys and girls regularly access porn online.
• One in three ten-year-olds have seen explicit material.
• More than a quarter of young patients being treated at a leading private clinic are receiving help for a porn addiction.

Vicki quoted Dr. Mary Anne Layden, the co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Cognitive Therapy testified to the Senate in 2004 and called p o r n, the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.” She states, “The internet is a perfect drug delivery system because you are anonymous, aroused and have role models for these behaviors,” Layden said. “To have drug pumped into your house 24/7, free, and children know how to use it better than grown-ups know how to use it — it’s a perfect delivery system if we want to have a whole generation of young addicts who will never have the drug out of their mind.”

From the UK article that Vicky referred to, Why are we surprised kids are addicted to porn? That's the world they know, here is a quote from Sonia Poulton:


"Pornography is exactly what it says on the tin. It is not about loving relationships that are built on a foundation of respect and commitment but about a ‘wham bam, thank you mam’ approach to sexual gratification. To imagine it is anything more or less is delusional.

I am not an anti-porn campaigner. I don’t object to consenting adults viewing it - that’s their prerogative. Equally, it is not for me to tell people whether they should appear in porn films. I work on the basis that so long as they are willing participants - as opposed to abused and bullied into the roles - then it’s their human right to do what they wish with their bodies.

But that's where I draw the line. Making porn public - as society has - is not the same because people lose the right to choose whether they want to see it or not. It has been beamed at our children, from TV's and billboards, without their say so. They are now conditioned to see public sex and sexuality as a given.

So it is that we are now reaping the results of permitting sex to be all-pervasive and all-consuming. Porn is part of everyday lives, rather than something adults do in the privacy of their own homes, and our children are fighting a tide that tells them something is wrong with them unless they too also indulge."

(I may not be with her 100% on all of that, but I do agree with her overall premise- society is wrong to make it not a choice, especially for our kids). Some adults are going to choose to engage in it regardless, but should it be forced upon everyone, especially children?)

Countless images surround all of us in daily life. We can hardly avoid it, but instead we are forced to figure out how to deal with it. This article from http://www.tweenparent.com/ describes things so well, I encourage you to check it out. "Bringing Up Kids in a Porn Culture".  A quote from this article:

"People not immersed in pop culture tend to assume that what we see today is just more of the same stuff that previous generations grew up on. But what is different today is not only the hypersexualization of the image, but also the degree to which such images have overwhelmed and crowded out any alternative image of being female. Today's tidal wave of soft-core porn has normalized the porn-star look in everyday culture to such a degree that anything less looks dowdy, prim, and downright boring. Today a girl or young woman looking for an alternative to the hypersexualized look will quickly come to the grim realization that the only alternative to looking hot is to be invisible. And what girl wants to be invisible? Adolescence is about being noticed and the desire for visibility among one's peer group too often means conforming to the plasticized, formulaic and generic images that bombard us daily. We should see the porn culture as a bully that manipulates, coerces, and grooms girls into conformity by providing them with limited choices. This culture is slowly chipping away at girls' self esteem, stripping them of a sense of themselves as whole human beings, and providing them with an identity that glorifies sex and trivilizes every other human attribute."
Girls are affected by this porn culture by, without realizing it, by being sucked into slowly looking more and more like the sexualized "role models" and/or acting like them. Grade schoolers are concerned already about being "hot" and "sexy". Shoes and clothing keep looking more and more like stripper attire.
And who knew that prom party buses had stripper poles in them? That was a question I never knew to ask until it was too late. "Who will be there? Will there be alcohol? Will there be a stripper pole?" These are the things that I'm talking about that have suddenly become mainstream. Stripper poles used to be hidden- part of an adult world that was not considered as accepted or mainstream. Only certain types of people were there. Now thanks to many factors, almost every nice kid knows what a stripper pole is. And some dance on them now.

But I also  know plenty of girls who are relatively happy with their looks and how they fit in, without giving into the over sexualized look, so it is possible to live differently. I don't believe all girls feel dowdy if they don't look oversexualized. Some see it as refreshing to have a nice wholesome natural look. However, I don't know if any girls escape the effect completely. The obsession with looks, bodies, pressures to be "available" to guys, and to be hot and sexy permeates just about everyone, even if it's to a small degree.

Boys are affected even more by this problem, being the ones who view porn the most (though it is not just a boy problem. More and more popular entertainment is really just p o r n for women, in various forms.) Again from the TweenParent article:
"I regularly lecture to parents groups and they are appalled by the images that any 11 year old can feely access by typing Porn into Google. What often shocks them is the sheer level of brutality where sex is used to make hate, not love, to a woman's body. The feelings and emotions we normally associate with love...are missing, and in their place are those we normally associate with hate. It's images like these that are now commonplace all over the Internet and are shaping the way boys and men think about sex, relationships, and intimacy."

This is not the attitude we want our boys to have toward women, is it? I don't think any of us would want that, for girls OR boys. But it could be happening right under your nose. Is it?
It's important to ask. Ask direct questions. Point blank honest questions. Give your kids a chance to be honest without getting in trouble, just for the sake of getting to truth. If you discover p o r n has been an issue, talk about boundaries and consequences for future. If they are unmarred by p o r n so far, be thankful. Have a detailed conversation about why it isn't healthy for them, how to avoid it and what to do if/when p o r n comes up among friends. What is the escape route?

Vicki Courtney's suggestions are:

1. Put safety filters on your home computers and deactivate the web browser on your children’s handheld devices.
2. Help your children come up with an escape plan. (click on her link for details)
3. Educate your children about the long-term effects of viewing pornography.
4. Put it on your calendar to talk about this topic at least once every two months.
5. If you have a son, I highly recommend parents read the book, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by William Struthers.
PLEASE HAVE A FILTERING SYSTEM ON YOUR COMPUTER AT HOME! If you don't know how to add one, it is worth every penny it would cost to get someone in your house to do it for you. Even then, talk to them about all the other places they might see p o r n. Friends houses may not have filters on computers. Don't google just anything, it can be dangerous. Friends iphones have apps and internet availability even if your kid's phone doesn't.

LESSON LEARNED- (It is sketchy to even blog about this.) As I researched for this blog, I googled one word- a should be innocent word- and immediately saw more disgusting pictures than I ever have seen. In one second. And my computers are loaded with filtering systems for this reason. Please know that if I, an informed, careful, filtered, educated adult did this (while blogging about it), than your kids need to definitely be very careful what they google. Have a talk just about that if nothing else! As much as we love Google, it's not always our friend.

Now that my kids have confessed to me (just today) what they actually googled years ago after I had a sex talk with them, I especially caution you in this regard! They googled questions that needed clarification in their minds that they didn't want to ask me, though they knew they could have. Good heavens, that is not the way we want information clarified. lol! yikes! Thank goodness the internet was new enough back then maybe it wasn't as awful as now. Google stuff now and you may be in for a surprise. Currently, stats say that 12-25% of what is on the internet is p o r n.

I had this Awkward Talk with my own girls today. I asked each of them how much p o r n affected their circle of friends and acquaintances. Interestingly, it was all different. Some ran into the subject alot and some rarely. Some felt like most, if not all guys, are into it because of how they talk, jokes they make and references they use. Some knew of female use of p o r n. Some didn't know anyone affected by p o r n.  Some knew of a few girls and guys in their circle of friends sending and receiving naked text pictures. Some knew of guys looking at p o r n on phones in middle school years. We also got into the discussion of many teen girls reading 50 Shades of Grey. In regard to the circle of friends where it never comes up, we wondered is that because they really aren't into it (yay!), or are people into it but never admit or talk about it? (yikes).

We want to know which it is. What do you think?

I  recommend to parents to have random phone checks with your kids' phones. At random times,  take their phone, check it, look at pictures, apps, etc. Know their passwords. DO NOT assume your kid would "never do that". Check anyway. Sexting is becoming very common.
I came across this great quote of Danny Silk's of http://www.moralrevolution.com./ "Intimacy's counterfeit is addiction...it comes in the form of many things (alcohol, carbohydrates, porn, cigarettes, sugar, shopping, etc). It's an attempt to create intimacy through a relationship with an object. Addiction is welcome to people who can not get away from their pain, so they self medicate."
I had to explain to my girls that p o r n is addictive. No one plans to get addicted. Good people are addicted. Marriages fall apart because of p o r n. They know I'm hard core about filtering media intake because of the oversexualization of everything. (Someone might have admitted tonight that they are finally grateful, though my oversight "has always been annoying." YES! Who cares if we are annoying? Buy me a tshirt - Annoying Mom. I'll wear it.)

Teens are good observers. They see what isn't right. I've been told by babysitting teens that many young kids (I mean young) have their own computers, laptops, etc. and have been known to innocently google certain things, or try to watch certain music videos. One kid, either 6 or 9 years old, can't remember which, said "I'm not allowed to go on You Tube, so I just pull it up on Bing".

The parent thinks they are protecting the kid from videos they shouldn't see by disallowing YouTube, and meanwhile have no idea that the 6 year old has outsmarted them in wit and in technology.

We work hard to keep things pure over here. And for years I've prayed for my husband, my girls and my girls' future husbands to be kept from all of this stuff. We need people who can still be intimate and connected to a person, not people who can only be intimate and connected with a picture or a video.

Pornography destroys people. And relationships. And marriages.


Our kids are worth protecting.

Get educated. Ask the hard questions. For your kids' sake!

5 Awkward Talks - #2 To Tell or Not to Tell

To tell or not to tell. That is the question.

In the tween and teen years, generally speaking, it is taboo to tell on someone. However, on occasion it may be essential for a friend's safety.

That said, sometimes it's hard to discern when it's important to tell, then equally hard to have the guts to tell, when you may feel like you're ratting out a friend.

I've heard of and experienced quite a few sensitive situations like this over the last 9 years of talking to tweens and teens.

When I ask middle schoolers if they have personally known someone affected by abuse, cutting or suicide, about 70% say they have at some point known someone affected by each of the 3 categories. They also confirm that drug use is a huge temptation or struggle for many people their age.
If cutting, drugs, suicide and abuse are that prevalent among 6th, 7th and 8th graders, odds are that your tween or teen knows or will know someone struggling.

So the question is, what do they do about it? Anything?

My first thought was that our culture has turned into one of such an independent spirit, that often even we adults turn our heads away, with the attitude of "It's not my business. Someone else will deal with it." But do we leave kids in danger when we have that attitude?

However, in discussing this blog with my friend, Dr. Krysclie Mayer, Psy.D., she shared a different perspective that I think is much better than my original thought. She said "I might quibble with your idea that our culture has an independent spirit. I think I know what you mean-that people tend to "live and let live" --but I think it's due to a tendency to be very dependent...dependent on someone else to do something, say something, take care of a difficult situation.  I think it's an outgrowth of nanny-state-ism, fear of liability and/or not wanting to be perceived as judgmental, etc. Dependency is a huge impediment to people confronting situations that are truly unsafe for others."

So maybe even we adults are afraid to step in to difficult situations, but when teens act the same, don't we wonder how no one thought to get help? There is a horrible news story, (an extreme example), when in 2009 there were multiple witnesses of a 2 1/2 hour gang raping of a girl, where no one got help. How could no one report this? Teens watched, but didn't report it.

That's so extreme, but there are plenty of other instances where fights have gone on in our own schools and few think to get help, even though many will video it.

Last winter in Oklahoma City, a big fight at a high school was in the news because of it's severity, length and how it made the rounds on Youtube (video no longer available). Details are unclear about whether anyone went to get help as the guy was getting beaten, I'm going to assume that someone did...but how long did it take? The video of the beating is long, and obviously because there is a video, some chose to record instead of or while help was being sent for. Still, the video showed people walking by the beating, seemingly unaffected.

Years ago in high school I remember happening upon a group of guys beating a guy senseless. I was so horrified that anyone could do that to someone that I think I froze and did nothing but leave as quick as I could. (Everyone that knows me well knows I freeze at emergency type situations haha). I still remember that and wish I would have gotten him help.

I'm also grateful to say that there are those responsible teens who will tell an adult when something dangerous is going on with a friend. Several things come to mind. One girl told higher ups when a person was doing drugs in class unnoticed. A girl told when a friend was drunk at a lake. I know of a few girls who got adults involved when  friends mentioned or contemplated suicide. A girl told an adult when a teacher made sexual remarks to the class. Was it risky to tell? Yes. Would some people consider them a rat? Probably. But more importantly, people got the help they needed to steer clear of more life-threatening danger. All of these  who told were brave, responsible and made a difference.

When a life is at risk or in danger, or illegal activity is involved, it becomes necessary to tell. A true friend will get help before it's too late. It takes guts. It also takes someone willing to risk a friendship to get the help needed. I would rather tell an adult that my friend is in a dangerous situation and have her mad at me, than to do nothing and have disaster strike, knowing I could have stopped it. 

But how is a 6th grader supposed to know what's truly dangerous and what to do about it? One example- cutting is so common. Many tweens and teens know people who cut, but never tell. All the teens may know that so and so cuts, but it's rare that they tell an adult. The kids may think, "I know it's not good, but lots of people do it". What they may not realize is the danger of cutting.

According to the Mayo Clinic, "Self-injury can cause a variety of complications, including:

• Worsening feelings of shame, guilt and low self-esteem.
• Infection, either from your wounds or from sharing implements.
• Life-threatening problems, such as blood loss if major blood vessels or arteries are cut.
• Accidental or deliberate suicide. You may unintentionally injure yourself fatally, especially if you injure yourself while under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs. You're also at higher risk of deliberately taking your own life."

"Inside a Cutter's Mind" by Jerusha Clark with Dr. Earl Henslin is an informative book to "understand and help those who self-injure". I have come to just ask bluntly about cuts if I see them. One girl told me you'd be surprised how no one ever asks about obvious visible cuts.

Most kids know who uses drugs, who is high in class, even if it escapes the teacher's attention. Most kids know who the creepy adults are- the ones who do inappropriate things and give most students the heebie jeebies. It's also far too common for our teens to walk around with the knowledge that a friend gets beaten or abused at home. These are serious life issues that are very difficult, delicate and hard to deal with. What do they do with this information?

Even responsible adults may believe in different approaches for these sticky topics. But as long as you talk through your beliefs with your children as to what is appropriate and needed, they will be armed. Make sure they are comfortable coming to you with information.

Did you know most schools have an anonymous hotline you can call to report suspected behavior? You can also call if you fear someone might be a victim of something negative. It's not our job to investigate, accuse and bring change to a person's life, but it IS the job of  professionals. We can take responsibility to report suspicion to professionals.

If we can report suspicious behavior, the professionals can investigate and take necessary action if needed. Find out phone numbers of your local centers or hotlines to call for different needs. Find out if your school has an anonymous tip line.


Have this discussion with your teens.
If a friend talks about suicide, what should you do?
If a friend tries drugs, what should you do?
If a friend confides in you that they are abused at home, what should you do?
Do you understand that cutting is very dangerous even though it may be common?
If you see a fight happening, what should you do?
What is the difference between being a tattle tale and getting help when really needed?

Resources:
Inside a Cutter's Mind by Jerusha Clark with Dr. Earl Henslin
How to Talk to Your Kids About Drugs by Stephen Arterburn and Jim Burns