5 Things Story- Bad Grades, Bad Friends...HELP!

Are you a fan of the 5 Things Stories on our website? If you're new to our site, click on this link to find a variety of stories written by moms of all different stages of parenting. 

http://www.5things.us/p/5-things-stories.html

We ask moms of unique experiences and different stages of mom-ming, "What are 5 Things you're glad you did in raising your daughter?"

Everyone tends to list regrets first, but when forced to think hard, most can come up with some basic things that were very beneficial, looking back. My hope is that these stories can be of encouragement to us who are still in the trenches.

As I was thinking through who to have write a 5 Things story for me, this friend came to mind. Though I haven't seen her much in recent years, when she lived near she always impressed me with her parenting style. She tells in this story that she was a single mom until her daughter was 12.  

I didn't know much of this story until reading this post. It is so good. I'll let it speak for itself.

"Mom, I need to talk to you about something." Here it comes, I thought to myself. I could tell by her face that whatever  she was getting ready to say wasn't something she thought I would approve of.  She was 11 years old going on 16 and had been hinting around about how fun and exciting it would be to kiss a boy.  She was a social girl who liked to be on the go and I loved that quality in her.  This also meant that she developed a precocious nature early on. 

"Okay mom," she says, "Please listen all the way through and let me finish before you give me an answer." 

I could already tell the answer was going to be no,  but I agreed to her terms and she continued. 

"I've been thinking about this for a long time, and you said I wasn't  allowed to kiss boys, but I feel like I'm ready, and I need to. If you would just let me do it then I wouldn't have to wonder what it's like anymore and that would get it out of my system.  Before you say no, please think about it".

"Let me get this straight,"  I said. "Your opinion is that if you get kissed, that will be all you need, and from then on out, until a few more years go by, you won't ask me again?"

 "Yes!" she piped in enthusiastically.  "I promise I will not ask about it again until I'm older." 

She was so sweet and I wanted to kiss her for her innocence and transparency.  Early on, we established a system of honesty, that she adhered to.  The agreement between us was such that if she was honest with me even when she made mistakes and was scared to admit it, then we would talk it through and I would help her find a solution. However, if she did lie or withhold the truth from me, there were consequences that would be applied from me, as well as the natural consequences of her mistake itself. So basically, she would be making it way harder for herself if she lied to me.   

While it had worked in past situations, this time I was in a catch 22.  If I told her no without explanation, she would resent me and most likely do it anyway. On the other hand, there was no way that I was going to give her permission. After some thought I told her, "Well, let me ask you a question. When you desire something like food for instance, do you want just a small taste of it, or enough to satisfy you?"

She pondered for a moment and said, "I would want more." 

I gently explained to her how in the history of humanity we have proven time and time again that we always want more of a good thing.  In this case that "good thing" would be more intimacy and physical contact. After all, it was natural to feel that way because that is how we are made. 

Sometimes, the experiences we haven't had yet can become the only thing  we are able to focus on. Kind of like a dog with a bone.

"I think you should allow yourself to dream about it for a little while longer. Trust me when I tell you that the mystery and desire for something is the first and often most pleasant part of things. After that, it becomes normal, like the chocolate cake you eat for dessert. It's good, but not near as delicious as it would be if I told you that you couldn't have it, while it was sitting in front of you. You would want it more than ever. However, if you put that piece of cake out of your mind and focus on something else, it will lose its power.  You are powerful and in charge of your choices, and before you kiss a boy, you need to learn more about yourself. Your journey will bring you to a boy's lips someday but until then, enjoy your cake."

That satisfied her for a time, but I knew this wasn't over and boy, was I right.  My sweet, precious, honest,  little angel turned into someone else when she hit 12.  Her body was changing and her hormones were bouncing around inside her like a jackhammer out of control. Concurrently, I met and married a man whom she liked as well.  Although he was very good to her and loved her, she was angry and feeling as if I had deserted her.  I had never been married before and up until that point had put all of my energy and focus into being a good mom for my daughter.  At the same time that I got married, I uprooted her life and moved to a small town where my husband was offered a job.  So there she was- 12 years old, feeling deserted, ripped away from her friends and home to start a new life that she didn't ask for. And don't forget the HORMONES!

She began to sneak out and lie to me.  I overreacted and made things worse, even though at the time I thought I was handling the situation correctly.  Nothing I tried worked.  She was dead set on doing what she wanted, regardless of the consequences and division it was causing in the house. The more she rebelled the more upset I became and the more emotionally I reacted to the situation.  I was at a loss.  My husband and I were going to her school several times a month to talk to teachers and to try and get some feedback on what we could do.  Her grades were slipping from A's to C's,  D's, and F's, but mostly D's and F's.  

I was scared and was watching her throw away potential opportunities for her future.  She didn't care. All the talking, screaming, grounding, taking away, and everything else we tried, was all a vain attempt that pushed us farther into a chasm of despair.  This was my beautiful daughter.  When did she turn into this mean girl? I didn't know this girl.

.  

Her life was all about her social life and trying to be popular.  She was consumed with boys and fun.   I wished that I had instilled better values in her and I was feeling like a failure.  I prayed, cried often and worried about her all of the time.

Then it hit me!  If I didn't feel like I knew her anymore,  then that was the first thing that needed to change.  

Instead of losing my cool with her, I dropped the attitude and began empathizing with her. Instead of yelling at her, I decided to embrace her, accept her choices and help her through it calmly, just as I had done whenever she came to me with her mistakes. I had high hopes for her and I wanted her to hope for herself once again.  I began to listen and tried not to preach when she told me things that scared the "you know what" out of me. I would panic inside and still overreact at times. 

So I practiced taking  myself out of the equation.  When she broke rules I tried not to overreact, which changed the whole dynamic.

 At first, it was hard for me to grasp the idea of accepting her while not approving of her behavior. Then I began to hear statements like "I guess I messed that up", or "I will do that differently next time."  She began to see the importance of her choices! 

Instead of using the word "grounded", we told her it was just a moment to take a breath and think about things, and that it would be good to spend more time together and stay closer to home.  She knew that "technically" meant she was grounded, but the small changes in our attitude put all the ownership on her. It was no longer about her mean mother trying to control her, it was all about her.  

When she wanted to go out with her friends,  I monitored her plans by checking them and even confirming with other parents about the plans.  I did most of that without her knowing so she wouldn't feel controlled and mortified. Even then,  she would find new ways to lie.  It was always with the same bunch of friends that she got into trouble.  I didn't want to demand that she couldn't hang out with those people, because I knew she would miss the point, get angry with me, then use that as an excuse to justify her selfish behavior.  

I also didn't want to engage in the task of constant monitoring either, so I told her she could be friends with them if she wanted to, but she could not go to their houses ever again and unfortunately, they were not welcome in our house either. It felt like we were crushing her and it felt like torture for me to have to do it.  I didn't sleep well that night because I knew she felt scared to have to deal with it.  

When she saw her friends at school, she would try to catch up with them, but they began to resent her because they felt rejected.  She was watching old friends fade out and didn't have any replacements.  Within a couple of weeks, her friends grew tired of not being able to see her. It eventually became too much effort for them and they dumped her. 

By this time she was about 14 and her grades were still declining.  It was the end of the school year and she was complaining that it was taking too long for summer to arrive.  She had only a few friends that she could hang out with and felt lonely.  When she would complain, I would listen with empathy and instead of reminding her why she couldn't hang out with those particular people, I encouraged her to get out there and meet new friends.  

In short, I changed my approach but the rules didn't change. Instead of getting on to her, I rewarded her with compliments about how brave she was to go through it and come out on top.  She liked the compliments and the support and began to focus on what she was looking for in a friend.  

At this same time, her grades were a big problem and I was completely lost on how to help her.  She was getting ready to enter high school and I felt if things didn't change soon, she would ultimately bury herself in bad grades and give up altogether.  After many failed attempts and teacher student discussions, she still refused to study and didn't care about school.  The only thing left for me to do was talk to the principal and check out all her text books that she received a C or below on, and bring them home.  

I explained to her that since she decided to play while everyone else was working, she had to work while everyone else was playing.  After all, how was she going to move forward a year if she didn't know what happened the year before?  Since learning is something that is done in steps, she had to learn this step this summer or be held back.  The school wasn't going to hold her back  I was.  

She had managed to skimp by with D's but that was ridiculous and unacceptable in my opinion and she had to learn what she'd missed. That summer, every morning at 8:00am, she sat at the table and read a chapter then completed the questions and tests at the end of each chapter, then left it for me to check.  She could not go anywhere, watch tv, or do anything until her chapters were done.  She had to complete Math, History, Geography, and Science.  It was a difficult time for her but she knew she didn't have any another alternative.

When she complained, I reminded her that it was her choice to do it this way. She caught on very quickly to the idea that if she was going to have to do the work regardless, she might as well do it during the school year so she could enjoy her summer with her friends.

One day she asked me, "Mom, when are you going to trust me again? I'm not perfect but I'm trying." 

I thought about that piece of chocolate cake and how we as humans want what we can't have. Sometimes we can become so focused on that one thing we want, that we forget to enjoy what we do have. "If I have ever given you the impression that I expect perfection from you then I am sorry for that. All I expect you to do is your best and stop putting yourself in positions that are going to restrict your life.  This big world is your oyster. It starts here in this town, in this school, with these people. Get busy making it exciting.  All you have to do to replace trust and freedom is to be willing to say  no to three things.

"Huh?" she said, "What three things?"  

I said, "Enjoy everything this town has to offer except say no to drugs, alcohol, and sex. Just say no to those three things. There are so many things you have to choose from.  If you are dead set on putting your energy into any of those three things you are wasting your time and telling me that you need more time at home to evaluate your priorities. Additionally, if I can't trust you, then I have to spend my time worrying about you and I'm not willing to put myself in that position, so your freedoms will be limited to my convenience. Say yes to everything you want to do, within reason of course,  but no to those three things. Or, you can continue living with all these restrictions. If you think about it, I think you will find its a great offer." 

The light went on. Then  I decided it was time to get her very busy so her choices wouldn't be as hard.  She was very surprised when she was informed that each semester she needed to be involved with two after-school activities, sponsored by the school.  She could choose whatever she wanted to do but she must sign up for two at a time.  She signed up for soccer and drama club, where she began to meet other kids who had goals of college and scholarships.  Then after those were over, she went to sign up for two more, but couldn't make her mind up, so she did three.  

She became a driven leader and had a slew of people to hang out with who were all making excellent grades.  As the first year of high school progressed, her grades went from bad to good.  She began to feel that she was the driver of her own life and all her choices were hers to own. 

 She was now clicking along and because she was actively involved with school, she began developing relationships with her teachers and therefore didn't want to let them down by doing poor work.  She excelled in speech and received awards and honors for her work.  She began to excel in every area. By the time her senior year was over, she graduated on the Dean's list and received scholarships from local groups, as well as a full scholarship to a school in NYC.  She was also the senior class president and prom queen. 

Looking back, I'm so very glad those years are behind us.  It was hard for all of us and I can surely see how certain mistakes I made helped  lead her to the unhealthy choices she was making.

  

She now lives in NYC and all those memories are put away in time like an old box in the attic.  It's nice to thumb through old memories. It's as if they were old photographs being laid out to reminisce on. 

It is very ironic, though, that after all the preaching that I did to her, I would have learned a thing or two myself; but to be honest, I'm the one still trying to figure out how to say no to chocolate cake."

What a good story!!

This post has so much practical wisdom and advice in it. I chose 5 things to focus on that are great things to apply if you're having problems with your tween or teen. 

1.  System of honesty- I like the agreement. Tell me and I'll help you. Don't tell me and you'll have natural consequences PLUS mine.

2.  Step IN instead of OUT-  "If I didn't feel like I knew her anymore,  then that was the first thing that needed to change." It's so tempting, and much easier, to step away when things are hard. But this is true- sometimes at the hardest times, that's when the biggest effort should be made.

3. Take yourself out of the equation- "When she broke rules I tried not to overreact, which changed the whole dynamic." Listening and empathizing more feels risky, but may work. I remember when someone told me to try to think of myself as a judge- take the emotion out and simply dole out consequences. That helps when we want to overreact. Of course, we need to be more relational than a judge would be (lol). Instead of blowing up, we can remove ourselves a bit from the emotional state we may find ourselves in...calm down, breathe, listen, find empathy, and then give out any consequences that may need to happen. Not as a mean mad parent, but as a deliverer of the consequences of the choices that they themselves made.

4. Focus on the positive when you can- "Instead of getting on to her I rewarded her with compliments about how brave she was to go through it and come out on top."

5. Give a simple goal- Say no to these 3 things: say no to drugs, alcohol and sex. Stop putting yourself in positions that are going to restrict your life. This last sentence really shows that it's the choices they are making that are 1) their choice and 2) going to limit their lives. It gives them the power to realize different choices will give more freedom. 

Another point, we as parents often don't like to do the hard things that will make change in our kids. It hurts to cause pain or watch them suffer, but I think this is a great example of times when a little pain brought great reward and change. Parenting is NOT for the weak of heart! 

Be encouraged. Be strong. Do what you gotta do for that long term benefit of change. 

5 Things Stories- Juanita Jernigan, Lisa's Mom

Let me introduce you again to my friend Lisa Bain. She has guest blogged for me before, when she shared her very personal journey as a single mom during an earlier time in her life, when her children were young.

She is one of the most inspirational people I know. I call her the Happiest Person on Facebook. Because her posts are always either encouraging like this:

or they are silly like this:

 

One would assume that she's led a charmed life and has had little to deter her from her amazing smile and outlook, but not the case. Lisa is an example of how to live through life's difficulties with faith in God and a smile on her face. Interspersed with many meltdowns, tons of humor, and most significantly, lots of prayer.

I wanted to know how she was raised and hear more about her family. Lisa has shared much of her story with me and I know her parents are such a foundation, and a perfect example of being in love still after many years together. Her dad, Bill Jernigan, VP of Learning Resources, and also the Director of International Programs at Oral Roberts University, I remember from being on faculty when I was a student. Her mom I've heard so much about, so I asked her to please ask her mom to share 5 things she's glad she did raising her children. Juanita Jernigan gladly shares her story here: (Lisa adds in her thoughts in parentheses).

1.  I'm glad we had family time everyday together. We always had dinner together at 5:00 pm. We were tucked in bed every night with prayer time and it was there we shared about our day. I'm so thankful for those times. (Lisa- So am I. Some of my most healing times were those moments with mom where I opened my heart, shared my hurts from the day, and we prayed together, and I always felt better when we were done talking and praying.)

2. I'm thankful we planned every year a fun vacation. We always went somewhere. Even if the money was tight, we had somewhere fun planned. (Lisa- I have some of the best memories on these vacations. Mom and Dad always made family a priority, no matter what.)

3. I'm glad that I was able to work from home as a piano teacher. I was involved in the kids activities and if they needed me, I was there. I am thankful I was there with them. (Lisa- One of my most dear memories ever was coming home from school on the bus in a snowstorm. The bus got stuck a mile away. My sister and I decided to walk home. We got to the front door, and our feet were so numb we couldn’t even feel our toes. We were frozen! I remember thinking “thank you God we made it home, I am starving and frozen!” Then I opened up the door, and the smell of homemade beef stew filled my nostrils! It was pure heaven! I smell that smell to this day and it takes me right back. Mom had the fire going, and 2 bowls of stew waiting for us with crackers and hot chocolate, on the fireplace hearth. My sister and I ate by the fire that night. It was the best meal I have ever had.)

4.  I am thankful for the way my husband and I disciplined together. It was never in anger, always in love. (Lisa- and I have to vouch for her on this one. They disciplined right! I remember having my rebellious times and my parents were firm, but yet so loving in the way they carried out the discipline. It was hard to stay mad, or rebellious! There was a lot of communication, prayer, unconditional love, and guidance. I remember how much of an impact it all made on me. There was never once in my life a word spoke in anger...to us or to the other in their marriage. I realize how blessed I am to have grown up in a home like this. It is rare these days, and I realized that now more than ever.)

5.  I am thankful we were active in church and had our children active in youth groups. (Lisa- I was at church when the doors opened. I loved my youth group so much, I didn’t mind being there almost every day. They opened their home up for the youth weekly. They had meetings, activities, dinners, for all the kids. They even chaperoned on the missions trips. They were involved. This made such an impact on me as well. My dad was very respected and even taught classes. I remember the class he taught to the youth group on Revelation. It was amazing. My Mom and Dad were loved by all the kids.)

Lisa's final thoughts- Our house was a home of peace and everyone who came in felt it. Everyone was welcome, everyone was loved. I have such a precious memory of helping my Dad build an extra room on the back that was used for youth group meetings. It had a pool table, stereo, and a big television. We had a blast in that room! Our youth group loved coming over and my parents loved it that way.

My parents always have prayer time with each other every night. (and still do!) If I call during that time, I know she will let me know and call me back later. It’s a priority. God has always been the first priority of our home. It never wavered....He was always front and center, no matter what.

(Bonus #6) Mom said she is thankful for the way she and Dad always let us know how much they loved each other. They adore each other, and it showed. My father has never uttered a cross word or even so much as raised his voice to my Mom. He adores her. His words were always of adoration toward her, and they still are. I watched a beautiful marriage modeled before me.

I credit that modeling to helping me see the vision I want and have for my own marriage now. I hung onto that vision during my years of being a single mom, after an unexpected divorce.  During those times of feeling abandoned, that foundation  helped me keep the faith that God still had a beautiful plan and husband in my future.

And here is a picture of that wonderful husband Skipper, a perfect match for Lisa. With Mom and Dad.

Now we can see the great foundation that was laid for Lisa and her sister growing up in this family. She was equipped in many ways to ride the ups and downs of life that have come her way, with a faith that remains solid through it all.

Mom of 6 - As They Transition to Adulthood

Meet Karen. Karen and I had the fun of being friends back in college, as were our husbands. Karen and her hubby Terry got married soon after and are living a full adventurous life, raising 6 kids together (just 6 of their many adventures).

Karen and I lived on the same floor as freshman...aaahh, that fun freshman year. I believe we were both a little loud and possibly crazy, but I'll vote for her being even moreso...wonder how she would vote! When I remember Karen on the wing, I think of silly fun, animated talking and a clear New York accent. And quality. Very quality person. I can imagine she'd be a very fun mom! (I just searched for a picture of us from college, but lucky for you my picture organizational skills suffer).

We have only reconnected as adults through Facebook and then had the fun of seeing each other recently for the first time since college, at a friends wedding. I got to meet some of her beautiful girls! She also has a fun family blog called KOOL DAZE, following the full life of parenting a large family in her "free spirited, fun loving ways". You can find it at http://karennkool.blogspot.com/ Check out her blog, you'll enjoy!

I asked her to share 5 things she's glad she's done, looking back as her kids are quickly turning into adults. Here is what she shared, in her words. Enjoy!

"Parenting has been some of the most challenging, exciting, heartbreaking, frustrating, exhausting, but mostly rewarding adventures I’ve known. At this point I can say that I’ve actually been parenting for about half my life. I had my first baby when I was 23, and I’ve now reached the glorious age of 44 [gasp]. My sixth and last baby, Caleigh, recently turned 10 [double gasp]. Holy smokes, how did that happen so fast??

I am not disappointed to leave those infant, toddler, and preschool stages behind. The parenting challenges of those stages were so very different than the challenges of parenting teens and young adults. And quite frankly, I like the latter stages more. They have NOT been without MAJOR challenges--trust me when I say that. The pitfalls of teens and young adults have been just a bit more serious than say... finding poop smeared on the bedroom wall, or having to deal with a biting toddler. Ahhh, weren’t those the good ole days? I suppose I enjoy parenting more now because I’ve come such a loooong way in my personal growth as a parent. That and the fact that I journaled like crazy during my own high school and college years. Its helped me remember my own experiences and what the kids must be going through.

So, what are 5 things I am thankful I did in raising my kids, now that they are beginning to enter adulthood?

I’M THANKFUL I’VE LAUGHED A LOT--Its sheer delight to see that my kids have grasped the value and ability to laugh. In the Hochstedler home we all have a fairly good sense of humor. None of us are comedians, but we like to joke and have fun. We tend to hang out with people who laugh a lot, too. My kids crack me up all the time. Its pure joy. In our home, we think its especially important to be able to laugh at yourself because it breaks down self-righteous thinking and pride. We try to promote humility. Humility with a chuckle. Its especially fulfilling when we can look back on a bad situation and have a good laugh because its been walked through with success in the end. Having the ability to laugh about things helps my kids to not be afraid of having an honest look at themselves, especially when dealing with a difficult situation.

OPENNESS AND HONESTY is a big one. I can say this, my kids have a whole variety of levels when it comes to being open and honest with me. It all depends if they are trying to hide something--and we have gone through some heartbreaking times of dishonesty and rebellion--and sometimes they just need to vent a little. I can’t describe to you the joy that fills my soul when one of my kids finds a desire to open up to me. That’s when the honesty shows up, too. Its a double whammy, in a good way. It also means they are being honest with themselves. When they open up after a season of rebellious thinking, I don’t always like what I hear, but God gives me the grace to be patient, understanding and to be a good listener. Being genuine is really what it amounts to. “Don’t just say what you think I want to hear. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Be genuine. Say what’s really going on inside. Its the only way you will find your true destiny.” I put no value in keeping up an image to hide what’s really there. I really don’t care what other people think.

DEMONSTRATING COMPASSION has been key. I have spent a lot of time talking with my kids about situations that arise among their circle of friends and at school, as well as things going on at home or in the extended family. Some parents would never be as open with their kids as I am with mine. Its a personal choice. Its who I am. Of course, I use discretion, but its a great teaching moment when, in a frustrating circumstance, I can be able to clearly point out how someone’s behavior effects everyone. And how our own behavior has an impact as well. During these dialogues I can explain my stand on a matter in a non confrontational way and hopefully lead them to making better choices for themselves. Sometimes I’ll find one of my kids put off by my “assessment” of an incident. They will feel I’m being judgmental of their friends because I’m direct about my views. So I’ll try to find ways to reference that person during other conversations and demonstrate my own heart of compassion and understanding for them e.g. point out a bad behavior I disapprove of, but share that I understand reasons why their friend is struggling and what my hope is for that person. Time and again my kids have recognized where they are being judgmental which allows God to change their viewpoint. They gain the ability to disapprove of negative behavior but still have compassion for the person. That is a victory. (Two of my daughters have mentioned a desire to become a counselors. Go figure).

YAY FOR INDEPENDENCE. My kids have all learned the value of independence fairly early! I am not a mom who likes to wait on them (or anyone) hand and foot. NOPE! I like to have fun!! ha ha My husband learned to cook early on in our marriage and makes dinner about as often as I do. We both enjoy cooking, just not all the time. My kids have all learned how to do their homework independently, do laundry, cook, clean the house (although their definition of “clean” is debatable) travel, make money, do their own banking, etc. I refuse to do it all for everyone. It sounds selfish, but actually its been very good for my kids. They have a strong work ethic. Years ago, the boys took their first trip alone to NYC (2 hours away) by themselves at 14 and 15 years old. They made a few “memorable mistakes” during those adventures, which made me want to forbid them from every going again, but, alas, the foolishness was their learning curve for the next try. They are certainly unafraid to find their own way in new territory. I like that. My sons both have great jobs and have worked since they were 13. They wanted their own money, so we encouraged it. My two oldest daughters have great jobs during the summer and part-time work in the winter. The next daughter is thinking about where she can start working now. They make me proud.

IMPARTING THE ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT. My husband and I never allowed our increasing family size to keep us from being adventurous. For example, in 1993 we spent a month in India with our 2 yr old and 6 month old, heading up 4 teams of teenagers on a mission trip (my 2 yr old came back from that trip with a biting problem). Later we went to Dominican Republic on a mission with our 10 mo old daughter and several teens from the church. After that was Guatemala. I was 6 months pregnant for that one. In 2002, we moved our whole family to a completely different community for a year. The kids loved it. My husband and the boys started dirt biking and now its motorcycles. I’ve led my girls into the musical theater world. We all go to the slopes for boarding and skiing. Terry and I have taken many adventurous trips without the kids, too. We have to make them a little jealous and star-stuck at times. And now THEY are starting to take trips without us. Nate, 18 yrs old, recently took a 2-month trip to Costa Rica all on his own. He made some life-long friends and absolutely loved it. We, of course, had to visit him for his last week there. ;-)

Its so exciting and scary to watch each of the 6 kids struggle along and find their way into adulthood. Its amazing to see so much of Terry and me in them and we are certainly blessed to have so many tries at this parenting thing. Maybe we’ll get it right by the sixth one. Its a good thing they’re in God’s hands.


BTW, the 6th item I would have added to my list would be how our home has always had its doors open to many, many young people through the years. I have a lot more the six kids if you count the extra's we've treated as our own. Our kids have all the more siblings, I suppose. I'm just glad I don't have to pay for their college too.

(Jolene, their exchange student from Germany is to Karen's right, at Karen's son's graduation).

Discerning Mom Vs. Rebellious Child - Wanda Watson

I'd like you to meet another friend of mine, Wanda Watson.  We met about 25 years ago through a mutual fun friend here in Tulsa. Wanda was the wise woman at the time and we were floundering youth!

Wanda has raised four amazing children, 3 daughters and a son, most of the time as a single mom. She lives in Texas now, but spent all of these childrearing years in Tulsa. Her kids are all grown, happily married and have given her 6 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren that she adores!!

We lost touch for years, but found each other again through Facebook! (One of the benefits of Facebook...)

One fun fact  about Wanda (that she won't tell you)  is how back then she would move wherever she felt like God led her to, for whatever period of time He said, and it was always to affect the life of someone nearby. This was when her empty nest years had started. She was extremely involved at Victory Christian Center while she was also a social worker at D.H.S. She might live in an apartment for a year because God said to move there, and there was always someone who needed her influence at that time. She loved every move and all the people along the way. She loves people, is humble, fun and silly too. But when it comes to spiritual things, she is strong and bold and seems to have a direct line to God (though she won't like that I just wrote that!) :)

There's something very beneficial about kids knowing that they can't lie, because their mom hears from God. That's the kind of mom she was. She was a very loving and supportive mom, who worked full time, volunteered many hours at church, made sure she spent time with all her kids, but also had to be extra strong, raising kids as a single mom.

I could come at her story from many angles, but what I want to focus on today is something very specific, hoping it will help those in similar situations.  That is, how to deal with a rebellious child, especially if you have the personality type Wanda has, which is very discerning.

There are too many good nuggets, so I'm breaking my 5 things rule and giving her more. She gets 8! :)

1.  You can use your discernment in two ways - to judge or for information. Some discerning people pounce on their kids because they feel like they "know" what's going on with them already. Don't pounce. Use your discernment for information, but follow up with questions. Try your best not to judge your kids. They know by your attitude when you have already judged them and they will close up. If you have a hard time not judging them, tell them "I don't want to judge you, I just need to understand, so that I won't." Never open your mouth to let the enemy of our souls use your words against them. (God watches over His Word to perform it and the enemy seems to watch over ours to make it happen as well.)


2. Even though I often knew what was going on, I didn't assume I knew for sure. I asked questions. I often said,  "You know when I was young, this is what was happening...what's it like now?" to start conversations. She seemed surprised that I was human and had any kind of problems, after all I was her mom. :)


3.  Whether your kids are rebellious or quiet, the same principles apply to each, just with a different approach. Since I never wanted to pounce or condemn her with my mouth, I prayed first and asked God how to deal with her rebellion. I asked "How do I lead her?" I always tried to give unconditional love, without judging her. God allows us to see their goodness and focus on that, rather than totally on the deed done, so we can teach them how to turn it around to their good. There were a few times when God put my discipline on hold until He had better opportunity to get my hearing in tune with His way of doing things; rather then me going off on a tangent at the moment of occurence.


4. I explained to her, sometimes drawing pictures so it made more sense, that she was  in this parameter of safety that God had for her (under me as the parent).  I drew a box to represent that. This parameter will expand as she got older, with more freedoms and trustworthiness.  If she messed up, the parameter decreased, with fewer freedoms, but it didn't mean she was a bad person.  It just meant she wasn't emotionally ready to have the parameter expanded. My answer wasn't "You can't do it again", but yes, when you are ready. Or we will try this again after you have had time to show you can handle more of your own decisions in other areas. I'm supporting you until you are ready. I'm on your team. My job is to protect you and I love doing it!

5.  I reasoned with my kids.  Taught them the right thing, let them know of choices that were ahead, what would happen, how to make better choices...We expounded not just on the consenquece of the bad decisions but the benefits of the good ones. I let them know that growing up is a process and they will make mistakes but I am always there to support them when it goes well and help when it does not.  This allowed me to be proactive instead of reactive. Roleplay with your kids.


6.  God gives you ability and insight with your kids. Listen to it and follow through with it. When I said my youngest couldn't date until 16, I didn't  relent on rules. I had to follow through.  Curfew was midnight, not 5 minutes after midnight. If they were after midnight at all, they had to skip the next date.  Even if the excuse was legitimate. I let her boyfriend and her know that being responsible in dating is planning ahead for delays. When she did start dating, I said "these are the days you can date, you won't go out more than these certain days a week." When she hit her limit that week, I didn't relent even if special circumstances came up. The mom of one of her dates was upset with me, saying "I don't want to have a Romeo and Juliet situation, since they aren't allowed to be together".  I said, "If you're son is that unstable, I'd rather they not keep dating."


I wouldn't let her go to the Caravan, the teen dance club in Tulsa. I told her and her date, "I'll know you are there and I'll come inside, embarrass you and get you out."  She actually smiled and shook her head in a "yes she will" kind of way that was not at all sarcastic. It told me that in her heart she really did know that my restrictions were because of my love for her and I would take care of her even if she couldn't. They never did go to the Caravan.I had to be strict because of her rebelliousness and stubbornness. She needed to know that I loved her. At times I knew her obedience was because  she knew there were consequences and not because it was in her heart, but God reminded me that obedience in action will lead to obedience in heart.


7.  Pray for wisdom. One of my daughters and her now husband, when they dated and would sit in the vehicle too long in the driveway, I would send younger siblings out to see them in the driveway so it wouldn't cause embarrassment, but would let them know it was time to come in.  Had that not worked I would have not had a problem embarrassing them by coming out myself. Later they told me they're glad I did that. God knew.


8. Pray scriptures for your kids, pray that the Word will be true in their lives. My kids know and say that I prayed Isaiah 61 over them, and have told me the many ways that Isaiah 61 has come true in their lives.


Other people  have commented to me what a blessing my children are to them and how their ministry to them has changed their lives. Now I have grandchildren who are following Christ and are now blessing others. The Word of God prayed over your chldren will not return to the Father without producing what that Word is sent out to do. He is faithful.

This daughter who was rebellious back then, is now a surgical care R.N. and working towards a degree to become a Nurse Practitioner.
Some kids are easy, some are difficult. Pray for wisdom and insight. Never assume you know what's going on. Never judge your kids. Love them unconditionally. Be the parent.


I know that God taught me so much while raising my children and it was a case by case or child by child lesson, but when we are willing to trust Him and listen to HIs Spirit He will never fail to lead us to right thinking and decisions for each one. He promises to give wisdom.