When Love Blinds- Part 5 (and final one)

This week, we've read stories from 4 different ladies about warnings (or red flags) they recognized in dating relationships, but unfortunately chose to ignore.

All 4 married these men, had very difficult marriages and painful divorces.

All 4 of them wish they had paid better attention to the clues they excused away.

All 4 of them had wonderful children in their first marriages that were in no way a mistake AT ALL, and the best part OF those marriages.

Our human minds can't figure this out. Only God knows how all the pieces fit and work out. He thankfully brings beauty out of ashes, and redeems every mistake if we let Him. Children are never a mistake, but always a blessing.

All 4 of these ladies don't want other people, especially their own children to have to go through the pain they went through. There are few things in life more painful than a bad marriage and divorce.

This is why they were all willing to expose their experiences, as well as the thinking they remember having during the "love struck" dating phase.

If anything you read rings true with you, or hits a vibe in you, or seems oddly familiar to a situation you are in now, I beg you, on their behalf, to sit down with someone who cares and confess those concerns.

If the top 5 people (or even a majority of them) in your life that love you and have always cared about you have an issue with your current dating relationship, don't rush it. Stop and consider. Listen to them. Anything done in haste is usually iffy. You can always still get married later if you find it all okay after considering the issues with them.

But why not put it through the fire first? If it survives the consideration, great! You can get married. But if it doesn't, isn't it better to have some pain now, to save yourself pain later?

The main reason girls go through with a questionable marriage, is they don't want to be alone. Or they are afraid of the backlash that will come by ending it. Or they just want to have sex or have the security of a husband. Or don't feel worthy enough to find someone else.
Women who have been through this would line up to tell you that everything wears off, then you are stuck in a marriage with all the bad things you ignored, and you'll be trying to figure out how to get out. Once you're married, you can't just "go home" anymore to get away. You will be living in the house together. Very together.

So choose well!

When Love Blinds- Pt. 4

Haven't you appreciated the honesty of all the women who have shared difficult stories this week?

We've been concentrating on "red flags" (or warning signs) women missed while dating men they eventually married. Several women  share their story anonymously, in hopes of saving girls and women from similar fates.


This is one subject that applies to all ages! You may have adult women who need this as much as dating teens. Catch up here before moving on:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Today my friend shares her experience:

Red flags when dating...

Here are my rambling thoughts.....

In college when I was engaged to my now ex-husband, as a senior in college, I did have red flags.

I chose to ignore them, thinking I would never have a chance to get married after college if I didn't marry then. I think a lot of girls think this. I have heard many express this fear, worried that if they don't get engaged during college, they may never find a good husband.  Knowing what I know now, I would have waited. 

Just because you may not marry before you are out of college does not mean God won’t place that right man in your path later! Don’t get ahead of God.

1. How deep is his spiritual commitment? If the wind blows hard....and storms rage....does he stay strong? He didn’t. I saw inconsistencies that brought me concern. I thought it would get better after being married. It only got worse.

If it’s not right before you get married, it will only get worse after. You can’t fix someone by marrying them. Or visa versa.

2. If they compromise on morals or values, or you are not in agreement in this area....red flag. Example: Your views on drinking, sex before marriage, where to go to church, or how to raise your children. I saw him compromise in a lot of these things. We disagreed on drinking, (I didn’t want drinking....he did). Eventually this led to him partying and getting in with the wrong crowd in medical school.

When he was living well, he was great, but when he loosened morals, it got scary....RED FLAG!

My second and current husband always said to me when we were dating, that we needed to go through each season together. Literally and figuratively.

We needed at least a year with each other to see the real person! How do you respond when you are sick, on your period, going through a trial, when you are faced with difficulties.....seasons reveal this about the person you will marry. If there are any to be seen, red flags will be revealed in time!

3. I will get honest here. My ex husband was gorgeous. He was a cheerleader. Mr. Popularity.  All the girls wanted him.....and he chose me. I was like YES!

I saw many areas that he compromised in yet I had the cutest guy on campus asking me to marry him.

I was in a fog....thinking all the compromising would stop after we got married. I can tell you this....it only took me a week into the marriage to see I had made a big mistake.

With my current husband I knew that I knew that I knew. There were no red flags.

I saw consistency in every season with my now husband. I saw him keeping the promise that he would only touch my heart before we were married. And he kept that promise. It gives time to see how they will hold out to remaining pure. Will they push the limits, can you trust them? Seasons reveal red flags.

The only concern I had with my current husband was my fear of his perfectionism, which we talked about extensively. I knew if he didn’t change at all...I would be ok. It wasn’t a make it or break it deal. But I say with a chuckle....I think I brought him to the dark side. Dogs sleep with us, laundry is thrown onto shelves (not ironed and folded perfectly) Our carpets are dirty  from 3 dogs. His jeans are not dry cleaned and starched to stand in the corner alone.......and he is a-ok with it. We met in the middle.

4.  My biggest regret was letting my low self esteem make the decisions for me, and not God. Love who YOU are! Love who you are and don’t settle for less. Don’t be afraid to admit you are seeing red flags. It will save you from the big mistake! God will guide you every step of the way!

And it's the truth....I really thought if I didn't get married while in college....I wouldn't be able to find a Christian guy out there. Sad isn't it? My self esteem was in the pooper then. Boy I struggled in that area. Not loving myself enough to trust God with the desires of my heart.

College kids I've talked to today seem to feel the same way....I have had many long conversations with gals who are really down on themselves....and compromise as a result. Makes me sad. It will affect the rest of their lives. I love these girls so much.

Don’t deny red flags! Don’t want the relationship so badly that the thought of being in love clouds your perspective of warnings!
Don’t compromise! Stay true to your convictions and your walk with the Lord. Seek Him daily about His choice for you. And don’t be afraid to hear that maybe the guy you are with may not be the one God has for you.

Don’t lie to yourself! That’s a biggie and easy to do when feelings of love are clouding things.

"When Love Blinds"- Pt. 3

Know any teens (or adult friends) that are dating a questionable guy? Can you see bad signs that they can't see?

Isn't it always that way....things are obvious to everyone else, yet the rose colored heart shaped glasses that the one "in love" is wearing, somehow block her eyes AND ears from seeing and hearing what is readily evident to others.

I know it's hard to convince those in the thralls of love of red flags that we see, but it can't be impossible, so let's try anyway!

Perhaps reading some real stories from real ladies who ignored dating red flags, then lived to regret it will get their attention. Maybe a story will look strangely familiar to someone in the midst of an iffy relationship.

For that reason we are sharing a variety of stories from some willing, but anonymous women. If you missed them, PART 1 and PART 2 are worth going back and reading.

Today, another woman shares her experience.

After a long difficult marriage, this lady is now divorced from her first husband (but has a beautiful story of restoration. She's now married to the man of her dreams who treats her like a princess). Here are her words:

1. Both friends and family would say things like "I don't like how he treats you." But blinded by what I thought was love, I always found a way to justify his behavior and excuse him.

2. I often took the blame for the way I was treated..surely I did something wrong to make his behavior reasonable.

3. I didn't recognize the sly or obvious ways I was being manipulated or controlled. He played with my emotions.  He taunted and threatened that if I were to leave him or break up, that somehow my life would not become all that it could be if I stayed in the relationship.

For example: he would hold my engagement ring hostage, demanding it back when we got in a fight. He made me feel as if he made a huge sacrifice to "pick me" out of the vast crowd of women on the planet...that I was somehow honored above the rest and if I didn't want to be "his lucky girl" someone else would easily take my place. He may or may not give me back the ring, and it was on certain conditions. It was very manipulative. One time he gave my engagment ring back to me right before I got on a flight to go home for the holidays...where he knew I'd see my ex-fiance.

He broke up with me various times, always with him in control of "the ring".  The disgusting part of this is how that played out in marriage. I always got a bigger ring/diamond or piece of jewelry after the apology of each affair. I had quite a stockpile by the end...ha!!

When married, he literally wrestled me to the ground trying to pull the ring off my finger, and grabbed my diamond bracelet off the counter.

4. When dating, he pressured me to do things he knew my parents had asked me not to do. A simple example: I flew home for the summer during college and kept my car in storage in my college town. He wanted to drive my new car instead of his jalopy around town while I was gone. My parents and I both said no. He actually stole it out of storage that summer and didn't admit it until months later when I noticed scratches on the paint job where he'd locked himself out and used a coat hanger to unlock it.

Lies, lies, and more lies. These all seemed reasonable to me, because I was compassionate towards others needs, and felt as if somehow it's not fair how my life is good and someone else has to struggle with less.

5. He pressured me into a physical relationship even though he understood ahead of time my resolve to keep our relationship pure. He used moments to try to seduce or entice me...he said this is how I prove to him that I truly loved him and was committed to him. Beware of anyone who begins a relationship making the statement, "Whatever you do, don't lie to me or cheat on me." Realize it very well may be out of their own fear of being capable of the same!!


Remember, his story will become yours. Whatever demons are chasing his life, will become your battle.

"When Love Blinds"- Pt. 2

We all want our children to marry well. We want them to pick a spouse well and have a great life. Yet there seems to always be someone I know worried about who their child is dating. Many times, rightly so.

I've heard so many women who've experienced bad marriages say "If I'd only listened to people", "If I'd only seen the signs when we were dating".

One friends of mine just said something all girls should know. "If the top 5 people in your life that love you all have a problem with who you're dating, listen to them. Even if you can't see it."

Finally I asked women to share their stories, so maybe we can put them in front of girls who are dating and save them the same mistakes.

Yesterday we started a series of women's stories- (did you see yesterday's post?!) If not, click on this title and check out "When Love Blinds" Part 1.

Today, another friend shares her experience:

I had many "red flags" before I married my ex-husband, but I ignored them or made excuses for them.

1. He had a flash temper - he would yell and scream and rant and rave for hours at a time.
2. He also expressed his anger toward me with the silent treatment. Sometimes this would go on for days and weeks at a time.
3. He was very controlling in every area of my life. Money, time, sex.
4. He lied about anything and everything for no reason at all.
5. He cried alot....over nothing or over anything at all. Looking back, I think it was his way to manipulate others.
6. He disrespected his parents and his parents still treated him like a child
7. His family was terribly dysfunctional. I knew that his dad had molested his sister from the time she was young until her late teens. His mom knew about it too and said, "Better her than me." (I didn't learn that part until much later.)

That's not all inclusive, but that is a gracious plenty.

Now why did I love him? or justify these signs?

When I met him, I had been praying that I would meet a good Christian guy. In many ways he seemed like all that and more. He would pray with me and we would have Bible studies together. He even wrote my dad a letter asking if it would be okay if we dated. He talked about how he would treat me with respect. It impressed my parents and it impressed me. No one had ever done that before. We started talking about getting married. There were positive happy moments too.

We got engaged after dating a few months. At one point while we were engaged, we were apart a couple of months. I was really seeking God about my relationship with him. I wasn't sure if I missed him or not, or if maybe God was trying to lead me in another direction. I stayed with him.

My parents wanted us to be engaged for a year. Looking back, I think a year long engagement is too long to ask a young couple to stay pure. We stayed pure up until 2 months before our wedding day. Anyway, I started having doubts about our future again after our first intimate encounter, but I thought that no one else would want me. I was used. I had always wanted to save myself for THE one and now I felt like I have to marry him.
I also felt like it would have been an embarrassment to my family to call off the wedding the day of the wedding but I know now that it would have been perfectly fine.

My parents were having doubts now too, but I also justified that because my parents didn't like any of my previous boyfriends, so why should I expect anything different? My dad was especially controlling and I just thought this was par for the course.

We went through alot before and after we got married. All the wedding preparations were stressful and that is one thing that I made excuses for. The week before we married, he was mad at me about something and was ignoring me. We went out to dinner with my mom and she commented on how badly he was treating me. (This is the same way my dad treated my mom.) Maybe it was a learned behavior.

The day of the wedding, as my dad was getting ready to walk me down the aisle, he said, "You don't have to do this. It's not too late to change your mind." I told him he was being ridiculous.

I later learned that my mom prayed to God for a week that He would strike her dead or at least make her so ill that the wedding would be postponed. Obviously, my parents could see the problems.

Then, after we got married, we moved from across the country. Neither one of us had a job to go to. We had very little money. And apparently no sense! Once we arrived in our new destination, the next morning we discovered that our truck and moving trailer had been stolen. Everything that we owned, all of our clothes, wedding gifts and what little furniture we had was stolen. What a way to start an already troubled marriage.  

Even on the honeymoon I saw bad signs. Once the day came, he was unwilling to buy tickets (not expensive) to an event we had planned that I had really, really looked forward to.

(The marriage didn't last. But she says the child she had with him is the best most wonderful part. This is one thing that I've heard many women say. Though a marriage feels like a mistake, somehow in a way that is beyond our human ability to understand, God works all these things out. Children are never ever a mistake. They are a beautiful, planned miracle. God has restored this woman and her child. She is now in a wonderful marriage with a man who became the husband and dad she hoped for.)

Random follow up thoughts...it's definitely important to date someone long enough to see how they are and how they react though all sorts of life situations. If their personality appears to be questionable in some important areas, that's worth stopping and seriously considering, alongside people who love you and have lived longer. Even if you see many other good things in that person. It's never too late to call something off. It may be uncomfortable, but it's never too late. Thoughts on purity- Those who strive to wait until marriage to have sex is a noble thing and one I recommend and believe in. But making a mistake doesn't take away all hope. Not at all. It does change things, but there is always hope and change available.

Very thankful to theese ladies for sharing their stories.

When Love Blinds...Pt. 1

If you follow me on Facebook, you might know that a few months ago I asked ladies who have been in difficult marriages to anonymously share their stories, and to share any "red flags" that they missed during dating life, which could have saved them the turmoil they experienced.

We girls are often so good at explaining away "red flags" and defending boyfriends poor behavior. Yet it seems that so many friends I know who are divorced can look back and say "If only I had seen it then...."

Maybe, just maybe we can save some girls from going through the heartache of a bad marriage and divorce, by identifying some bad signs in dating life. By hearing others' stories, we can learn.

The response I received was great. Stories came in from different states- women I know and women I don't know. They seemed eager to share their mistakes, in hopes of saving someone else from a similar fate. I'll be sharing a few of these stories in the next few days.

Today's brave lady:

"I was once married, and never recognized the red flags along the way that ultimately led to the end of that marriage. I pray that the daughter I am raising now learns to spot them better than I did! I saw some red flags, but I improperly viewed them as just challenges. I thought that our love would overcome these challenges and grow stronger instead.

1. I think the most substantial red flag that I deliberately minimized was the inequality of our faith. I was raised in a Christian home and my faith was, and still is, very important to me. I realized pretty early on in dating that my ex husband's faith was very surface, yet not totally nonexistent. He was raised in church and still attended, but didn't see it as much more than that. I viewed it as though I had been placed in his life to help lead him to a deeper faith. I assumed that he was attracted to that part of me and appreciated who I was because of my faith and values.

I saw the red flag of our faith. I sincerely believed that although it was not as important to him as it was to me, that it would only get better because of our love.

2. I also noticed that he was very deceptive with his mother, but I chalked it up to her being a controlling busy body, not a necessarily a problem with his honesty. I would have never dreamed that someday he would behave the same way with me. Had I paid more attention at the time, I would have seen he behaved that way with other family members and people that we knew. It was not until after we were already married that I was able to see that dishonesty went well beyond his mother. He white-lied when the truth would have served him better.

The deception, I never saw as a red-flag. It was an "unappealing act" that I made an excuse for, even though I didn't see how prevalent it really was until after we were married. I had no idea what exactly I was justifying. In my defense, if you knew his mother, it would have been easy for you too! Trust is essential to any relationship. Our marriage was irreparably damaged the first time he lied to me. I truly forgave him, but things were never the same between us.

3. When we were engaged, he was well aware that I wanted to be a homemaker (my mom was also) and I intended to homeschool. We were on the same page in this area. What I never took into consideration was that he was raised by a single working mother and his grandmother, in a very inconsistent home with little stability. His father had little to do with them and never contributed financially. He knew it was important to me and that it made so much sense, but he really had no idea what a home like that would be like. Eventually he grew to resent his role as breadwinner, despite the fact that it would have actually COST us money for me to work outside of the home. He began to resent everything about our life, including me.

I knew that we were raised in different kinds of homes, with different values and experiences. I did not see this one as a red-flag. I trusted that we had talked enough about it as were up for the challenge.

I do believe that when we women are in love, we overlook things that otherwise we would never tolerate. For example, I never saw his slovenly home as a huge conflict with my compulsive germaphobia and organization. He was just a sloppy bachelor-who I loved- in need of a woman's touch- who he loved. It turned out to not be as simple as that.

4. I believe the reason I missed SO many red-flags, or chose to ignore/rationalize them, was because I didn't want to admit that the man I fell for was not the man that would suit my deepest needs. I knew I loved him deeply, and he loved me too. I thought that because of that love, he would come to fulfill my needs, and I his. I believe another reason that I didn't see some of the red-flags, was that I was ignorant, or naive to some of my deepest personal needs.

For example: I am very bookish, a bit of a nerd. I love art and intellectual pursuits. He was very physical, outdoorsy, and didn't like to read. This is a red-flag that I never saw. Our difference in intellect was a non-issue. I never saw myself as smarter than him, we were just smart in different areas. I was unaware how much I needed intellectual stimulation from my spouse. This matter became a source of great friction, as he (I later found out) had always felt below me.

I needed a strong leader, a protector, a man that adored our home as much as me, a romantic, a man that could stimulate me intellectually, and that would carry our family spiritually. I never fully understood what his needs were (I don't think he even knew), but I was just as unable to fulfill his.

5. Lastly, I ignored the well intended (and unsolicited) input from one of my best friends. She just didn't see how he and I could possibly ever bridge our differences well enough to make a home together. I became very defensive and assumed she was just envious.
I hope that my experience can be of use to someone else. My divorce was one of the most painful experiences I have ever traveled through, and one I never dreamed I would endure. But God is good and has restored all that I lost. My daughter and I have a very close relationship and I continue to homeschool. God taught me things I could not have learned any other way. Years later, He has brought a very special man into our lives. This time I am paying attention, I know myself better, and we have a great pre-marital counselor from our church.

Here are a few things I've discovered from my experience:

-pre-marriage counseling is wonderful and should be mandatory. Do it, and pay attention to what you learn.

-how he treats the other women in his life matters (mom, sisters, ex mates/children's mothers, nieces, sisters-in-law, coworkers), so pay attention.

-his values (and faith) must align with yours, so pay attention.

-he will be a product of the environment/climate he was raised in, so pay attention to how he relates to his upbringing.

-his dishonesty in areas that don't include you will one day include you, so pay attention.

-if he already has children, watch how he treats them. There is a difference between physical distance and emotional distance. Pay attention for the latter.

-his idea of home/family/roles needs to mesh with yours, so talk, talk, TALK about your future and pay attention!

-he is who he is, not a project for you. Know what/who you are looking for in a mate, pay attention, and if he doesn't meet your needs AS IS, he isn't the one.

-it is easy to be so caught up in the "in love" feeling that you grow blind to things that are obvious to your closest friends. They love you and will tell you, so ask them. Don't get defensive, and pay attention.

-pay attention because you are in a wonderful state of love, complete with rose colored glasses which make the flags almost invisible!

And finally, a quote from Dave Barry (to his daughter who just began dating): "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."

Pt. 5- Bring on the Mom!

It's possible to be mean without thinking you're mean.  Your daughter may tell you she's not mean and that everyone else is, while in fact she's being mean.  She may hide her behavior from you entirely, but act out when you're not looking. It takes a brave and humble mom to admit and deal with this, and an even braver and more humble mom to write a blog about it.  I'd like to introduce you to one today! Meet my friend, Heidi, Britni's mom. 

Heidi and I have been fab friends since we were 18 and have lived much life together, full of fun (and our own drama).  We've laughed so hard we've broken belts and been kicked out of collegiate classes, and I'd like to think we invented the Mac. Or at least photobooth.  We distorted our own faces without the use of a computer and spent hours enjoying our amazing ability in the mirror!  This was back in the day before anyone had a computer at school and (gasp) the internet didn't exist!  Since then, we've birthed a combined total of 9 children and have done lots and lots of momming. 
Yesterday we heard Morgan's side of the ongoing middle school story. Today Heidi is gladly sharing her perspective from the Mom point of view. I must say, it doesn't always go well when moms get involved, more on that subject later, but this is one situation that was a success.  The success was partly due to the attitude in which Morgan's mom approached Heidi, and even just as important, Heidi's open attitude to hear hard things about her daughter. Moms, pull up a chair and listen.

Heidi's story....

1. I'd received "the call" from Morgan's mother, on numerous occasions, regarding how Britni was treating her daughter. We spent a great deal of time discussing the girl's personalities, patterns of behavior, and various offenses. I was glad her mother shared her feelings and how her daughter was affected by Britni's treatment, and truly wanted to see things mended and resolved between them. Taking initiative to appropriately deal with the other party I think is imperative. Consider the other parent may be totally unaware. I was open to tough words and criticisms and it shed light at home with Britni beginning to act very abrasively towards her siblings or when she'd have other friends over. Britni had the stronger "leader-type" personality; Morgan was shy and a follower of sorts. Efforts were definitely made on both of our parts to help guide, instruct and counsel our daughters on how to share their feelings appropriately, and what is or is not acceptable behavior. My kids know that when a teacher, classmate or adult has an issue with them, my first question will be directed to them, "What did you do to play a part in this?" I've noticed that parents who are quick defenders of their little angels and believe they can do no wrong, will create self-centered, self-serving children (call it bratty), or will at some point be devastated about the devilish behavior their kids are capable of. God's Word promises us that "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." Some have a larger capacity for it than others, but all are capable of foolish behavior. We need to be "parent" enough to see the truth about ourselves and our children and be willing, humble and forthright in our path to correct it.


2. If your kids are behaving badly elsewhere, you may not be aware of it until you see it manifest at home. When bad behavior rears it's ugly head, you can be sure it's not contained within the walls of just your home. It WILL be seeping out somewhere else or upon someone else. So pay attention with how they are treating siblings and obvious signs of disrespect at home.


3. Sometimes as parents, we are backed into a corner with choices for our children. My gut told me to get her out of school and give her a long break at home. My mind told me I'd ruin her education. My heart told me she was at her breaking point and needed an intervention of the Mom-kind. My spirit said she needed some peace and deep inner healing.


4. There were so many changes the kids and I were having to make and adjust to.  The one stabilizer was, I thought, keeping the kids in their Christian school with their friends and familiar environment. Everything else in our world had changed: no dad, loss of our home, business failure and much more. Everything for them had changed. I fought hard to make ends meet to keep them in their private school. When I saw how difficult life was getting for Britni, I didn't realize it had a lot to do with her lashing out and subsequent backlashes with her friends.  She seemed to have managed to put her self smack in the middle of every conflict between friends or the boys whom they liked. She'd become the go-between, the secret-agent, The Informer. I realized she wasn't functioning well, at all, even though we were only two months into her school year. I made a very tough decision to step in, remove her and bring her home to homeschool her. This was about the only thing that I was in control of and could do about the situation. Taking a break from the catty girls and bringing her back to a safe place was the best thing I could have done at the time. I also withdrew my two younger children in k-4 and k-5. They too were anxious and emotional with attending school. We had a wonderfully restful, peaceful year at home together.


5. I thought it interesting that she felt so alone. We spent hours at a time together pouring over her troubles, anger, frustrations and attitudes. The year at home was a long one. Many times her anger was turned on me or her siblings since there was no one else to blame. We had many emotional talks where she'd drain out her thoughts, disappointments and struggles. Listening was key. There is one thing that comes to mind that kids don't understand.  They may feel alone in their pain or suffering, but they are not truly alone. Britni probably felt very alone in her brokenness, voicing "Nobody understands me!" "You don't understand or know how it is!!"  But I know the reality of how much investment was made in her life. She was also reaping consequences she had caused in her life- isolating herself by her own actions of poor friendship. Perhaps it would have been helpful to point that out to her in this light, that we do bear our consequences and choices very much on our own, no one can pick up our hearts and carry our burdens in their entirety.  But we, as a family, and with God as our Father, can bear each other's burdens and help lighten the load. And in fact, that is just what happened. When she returned to school the next year, she was a changed young lady. Kinder, compassionate, considerate, well-liked, more self-controlled, stabilized and a healthier perspective on who she wanted to be. She eventually became cheer captain and was the class president her Junior year. This period of time was when I realized I needed to truly invest in learning more about parenting through adolescence, study teen development and issues, read respected authors and counselor-recommended books, and how to be more pro-active instead of reactive as a mother.


6. Parenting is not for wimps or the faint of heart. We were all once foolish children. Hopefully with the help of our loving Father God, we too have been disciplined and Disciple'd into maturity.


As Heidi and I talked over the phone, what Heidi said caused sudden understanding for me about the "aloneness" factor. What she said is true. No matter who was around Britni at the time, talking with her and loving her through her struggles, there was still a feeling of aloneness in Britni.  That was one of her consequences, the friendless corner she had backed herself into. Sometimes no one can take that away. We bear consequences for our actions. Remember that in Britni's telling of this, she said though the year was hard and lonely, that was at the point God began working in her life.  Sometimes only God can restore.  But we have to allow Him in to do that. As moms we want to relieve all suffering from our kids lives, but sometimes we have to stand by and watch it happen, while still supporting them, in order for them to grow. That's not easy.

Special thanks to my dear friend Heidi for sharing a glimpse into her side of the story.  Thank you for those good words to moms.  It is hard to hear anything negative about our kids and it takes a strong mom to do so.  The way she handled Britni in this situation helped to restore her and to also protect a friendship that has ended up surviving many years.

And she continues to pour into many teens' lives on a daily basis.

More coming up on when and if moms should get involved in girls conflicts.  Now that's a loaded topic!

Pt. 1 - Middle School Mean Girl Turned Missionary

For Anti-Bullying month, I'd love to share the TRUE story of a twenty-something girl that I've known her entire life. Brini has graciously written out her middle school story to share, in hopes of helping some girls along the way. So grateful for her willingness and honesty. She is a changed person now and has much wisdom to share about middle school and mean girls.

Yesterday's blog also revealed some local teen girls thoughts on friendships in general. Make sure and check that out too for some juicy tidbits.




But first, let's go back a couple of decades! Here is sweet Britni ate age 2 at my wedding!

Isn't she presh??! And WAY too cute and sweet to ever do anything mean!! Right?! Well not according to her. (p.s. gotta love that 80's master headpiece! even though it was '91... Some of us hung on to the 80's.) Britni has grown into a wonderful young lady, and is currently on an 11 month missionary journey around the world, doing daring things that few of us would do! You can join in on that adventure via her blog at http://britnibersin.theworldrace.org/. She has raised quite a chunk of change and still has quite a chunk to go to finish out her 11 months! It's a good cause. This is her now as the fabulous missionary that she is:

If you get inspired by her journey, feel free to contribute by giving online at the above website.

BACK TO the Mean Girl Story!

I love her story because she gives us a rare glimpse into the mind and motivations that mean behavior often stems from. I believe if girls can hear her story and understand her perspective, they will either 1) take a look at their own behavior or 2) have a better understanding of how to deal with girls who may be acting this way towards them!

So let's get to PART ONE of her story...(it's too long for one blog post.)

Fyi, this took place at a private Christian school. 6th grade.

"Middle School. Oh dear sweet middle school. So full of innocence, right? Maybe not as much as you'd like to think. Most pre-teens won't be out drinking on the weekends or visiting the backseat of a car with their "boyfriend/girlfriend", but that doesn't mean there isn't a battle to be fought! For me, and for most, it would be the fight for popularity. What would you do for the top spot on the A-list of your social sphere? We will leave that an unanswered question for now. Not so sure we would all want to confess that one out loud. I'll admit, however, that I was willing to risk others' reputations over my own. The possibilities truly were endless. Remember that law about reaping and sowing? Well this is one of those stories. I started off in 6th grade already emotionally torn up. My parents were in the process of an ugly divorce and I didn't handle it well. Abandoned is a good word to describe how I felt. I am not sure I understood the full extent of the emotions I was dealing with, but I certainly knew they were there. I always saw them (the emotions) manifest through my actions toward others. I truly wasn't a mean spirited person, I was just hurting and immature. I did find an outlet for a period of time through cheerleading. I quickly bonded with a group of girls who were alot like me; outgoing, adventurous and in need of attention. And boy, did we LOVE attention. We often sought it at the expense of others. We did things like de-panting girls in gym class and mocking kids during chapel praise and worship. Harmless things, like throwing gum in girls hair and laughing when they didn't notice. That's harmless, right? We spread vicious rumors about the people we didn't like and found entertainment in watching it spread like wildfire. We never thought about the way that it actually made people feel. We were just looking for a response from our peers. Now, I've got to step back for a moment because I feel I am painting a bad picture for the cheerleaders out there. We weren't all like that. There were actually a few that knew who they were and didn't stoop to our level. One in particular was a really good friend of mine. I will call her Ellie. I greatly admired this girl because she stood her ground and didn't let our influence get to her. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to respect that. I often blew her off to hang around my mean friends. I wasn't intentionally rude to Ellie. I really did love her as a person. I think it was just hard for me to be around her because her standard convicted my own behavior. I was also confused at what a real friend was. I thought that since she didn't want to do all the things I did, she thought she was better than me. True friends, in my mind, were supposed to do all things together; good and bad. I was really split over my different groups of friends. In response, I split my time and maybe even my personality to some degree. I would hang out with the "cheer girls" at school and all related activities, and I'd hang out with Ellie when no one else was around. I really couldn't find a way to fit these two parts of my life together. I am not sure I will ever know the extent of the damage I caused Ellie, but I'm thankful she stuck around anyway. Midway through our 7th grade cheer season, everything changed...A new girl decided to join the squad..."

And now...you will have to wait for tomorrow to find out what big change happened!! SIGH!!! Not fair, I know...Stay tuned. it's a good one, full of drama.

Insights so far...
1. she hurt others because of her own pain
2. she didn't consider herself a mean person, just did things without thinking with similar girls.
3. she looked up to Ellie who was different, but she didn't understand how to deal with it.
4. Ellie probably felt confused and blown off by Britni's behavior, but it didn't mean that Britni didn't love her. Britni wanted to keep Ellie in her life, but didn't know how to be both kinds of people at once.
5. Britni misunderstood true friendship.

Lots more coming up on girl issues. (The new facebook layout has made viewing so much more difficult! Agreed?) So "Like" our page 5 Things on Facebook to get all the updates, or subscribe by email at http://www.5things.us/ to get every post!

For Single Moms

The unique circumstances of single moms have been on my mind. The fire was fueled when at a recent women's event, a lady shared that during her single mom days, she always felt judged that she wasn't doing things right, or things were her fault. Aside from obvious hardships of single moms, I imagine others can relate to those extra emotions.

I have asked my friend Lisa Bain, pictured here quite a few years ago with two of her children, to share a guest blog with 5 Things today. We met through a mutual friend in the last year, though we recognized each other from college days (and wondered how we'd never met because we know all the same people!)

Upon reading her blog one day, I was stunned to find out she'd been through a previous marriage and divorce and therefore, some single mom days. She has since remarried and has a beautiful family and story. I say stunned because if you know Lisa, she is WAY TOO SWEET AND NICE to have ever gone through anything awful!!

When I told her those thoughts she said "Oh honey. I have been through some stuff."

She shared her story, and I believe it will be meaningful to many single moms out there.

Pass it along.

I'll let her share her story herself.

"I remember the day like it was yesterday.....that drive from Texas to Tulsa almost 20 years ago....with 2 babies. My son just a few months old, and my daughter just 22 months old. It was just the three of us now. In her sweet little voice, my daughter whispered to me “Mommy, are we going bye bye?” My heart broke. As my parents drove the van, I sat in the back seat and hung onto my babies for dear life. My world had literally stopped. How could I raise them alone? They were babies! How could we have been left? Why? How could he leave us? My husband had chosen an affair over his family and now, I had to pick up the pieces...I had no choice. Of course my self esteem was shattered with all the feelings one has when an affair occurs. But I can only say that it was at that moment, when I passed the Oklahoma state line, that my world changed, forever. I heard the still small voice of the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart....”I will carry you now Lisa. I will take you to new places with your children that you never dreamed possible, and I will open doors.....I will heal and I will guide and teach you things that will change your life forever....don’t let go of your dream.” Don’t let go of my dream? What? But Lord, my dream was shattered? He saw much further than I did, and He knew the dream He had placed in my heart all along. He wanted to bring it to pass. It was my job to let Him. It was my job to give Him the brushes and let Him paint the new picture on this blank canvas before me....with my babies. Little did I know it would be more than just a picture, it would be a masterpiece.

I remember those days like they were yesterday. Working 2 jobs, getting those babies up everyday and getting them to school. I remember being so tired that my toenails even hurt, and knowing I had to get the kids home, get homework done, get dinner on the table, and spend time with them. I remember the pressure of making it financially on my own. I remember the loneliness when the kids were all in bed and it was just me.

You know what is amazing though? When I look back on those years of single parenting now, and I see the picture God was painting all along, I stand in amazement. It was at that very moment of being left and alone and clutching onto Jesus with every fiber of my being that taught me the greatest lessons that I still lean on to this day. And what exactly can one learn from being left with 2 small babies to raise?

I learned that 2 Corinthians 12:9 is true. He pours out His grace in proportion to what we need. And I needed a truck load of grace. He cared so deeply for me and saw my extreme need for Him as His opportunity to provide. And He had more than enough grace to walk me through this journey. We were tucked safely under His wings. And He was not letting go.

I learned how to forgive. Oh this was a biggie for me. My children could pick up on the angry feelings I had and carried. I will go so far as to say I not only walked through anger, I walked through rage. I was mad! When I wanted to speak badly of their father, I knew I couldn’t. He was still their father. God literally took my hand on this one and step by step peeled away the layers of unforgiveness until I walked in freedom. I could not have done it without the Holy Spirit guiding me every step of the way. There is freedom in forgiveness. I knew the second that weight was lifted off of my shoulders, I had forgiven. I could breathe! I realized that forgiveness can be a daily journey though. When tempted to take that anger back on, God was there to take it for me.....daily. There were some days on that journey I literally had to say, Jesus, right now I can’t do this, can you? And He would take it from there. The Holy Spirit became real to me in ways that forever changed my life. When in my own strength I couldn’t, He could. 2 Corinthians 12;10

I learned how important getting involved in a great home church really is. Not only was it a place for healing for me but I realized that I could be used by God even in my broken state! We were in church when the doors opened, and we were involved. I developed friendships that were healthy and life long. My children were involved and loving it! Singing on the praise and worship team was instrumental in so much of my healing. We were surrounded with love and support, and this was literally a life line for us. God used that church to help us in more ways that I can even express.

I learned that there is laughter and joy, even in the hard times. One day, feeling overwhelmed, I started to cry. I cried one of those “ugly” cries where you can hardly breathe. I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror and how my face was all shriveled up like a prune, and how ridiculous I looked. It cracked me up! I went from uncontrollable tears to uncontrollable laughter! My kids came in and we just laughed! In fact I could not even remember why I was crying in the first place. It was at that moment that I realized that I could laugh! It was healing! And I could teach my children how to laugh! I remember funny dances we would make up together, silly songs we would sing, bible verses we would memorize with hand motions, cookies we would bake with silly faces.....and laughter filled the house. And you know what my kids remember to this day most? The laughter and the love in our home. And when we talk about that love and laughter during that season, it gets me every time. They remember it with detail.
Laughter is healing. And I learned that even when my heart was breaking, I could laugh, and the joy of the Lord really would be my strength. Many have asked me how I find laughter in tough journeys. I found it during this season of my life. It was what got me through. Laughter comes from the soul, where Jesus has a grip, and it is unexplainable, and it literally carried us through. It still does.


I think the biggest thing I learned through this journey was to not let go of my dream. Even though it seemed the dream was crushed, of being a wife and mother, it was not. God was just going to find a different way to bring that dream into fruition. Trust me, He will blow your mind. Just don’t let go! Don’t listen to the lies of the enemy that you will never see that dream come to pass. As I gave the Lord those brushes to paint my masterpiece, He did! And what a masterpiece He painted! I have 4 children and a daughter in law now who are all passionate for Jesus, a husband who was sent from heaven, and 3 dogs who, yes, are also part of that beautiful picture! I look at that dream everyday in awe and wonder and thankfulness. I also remember those things I learned in the 10 years I walked through the journey of single parenting. I could not have made that journey without Jesus.
To all my dear friends walking through the journey of single parenting, I want to encourage you!
There is hope! There is laughter! There is strength! There are miracles! There is a masterpiece in the making! Just let go of the brushes and watch Him paint! I promise you, you will be amazed! Van Gogh and Da Vinci have nothing on what God is painting for you!"

I encourage you to get to know her through her blog "Joy in the Journey" at http://joyinthejourney-lisa.blogspot.com/ She's an inspiration!