The 5 Biggest Challenges to American Teen Girls- Guest Blog

Jamie is the one in the picture who just graduated. I've had the privilege of getting to know her as she and my daughter have been friends at ORU. She has stayed at our house, spent a month in Africa with my daughter on missions, done Bible studies with us, helped with Girls 101, plenty of things. She has impressed me with her heart for God and what she's allowed Him to do in her life.

She would say she has changed a lot since her teenage days, and has let God into the difficult places, and let Him grow her up into the person she was made to be. She also has a blog where she shares some pretty profound thoughts, so you may want to follow her.

I wanted to ask her to answer a question I've had for girls who are still relatively close to teenage years. Things have changed so much since we were teens, and I have been curious to hear the thoughts of a few girls who can answer this question:

"What are the 5 biggest challenges to American teen girls?"

Jamie's answer:

That's a big question.

1. The pressure to grow up. I feel like a lot of girls just want to be "there" already. They want to wear makeup sooner and play outside less. They want to do what the older grades are doing because it looks cool and more fun.

2. Trying to figure out who you are. Girls want to be so unique but they also don't want to be the odd one out. Nobody ever wants to be the one on the outside of the circle, so I feel like a lot of girls give up things they like in order to be somebody that fits in. They want the likes on Instagram, Facebook, and in school.

3. Boys. They aren't as nice as they seem, and they aren't as mean as they seem. They're young, you're young. Girls want somebody to care about them, they want somebody to call theirs. They want that attention and I think a lot of stupid things happen because they're young and they don't understand the weight of their actions. It's honestly not a big deal to them at the time. Purity isn't really all that cool at that age.

4. Knowing who to be influenced by. Media is crazy today and girls see these beautiful pictures on Pinterest, Instagram, TV, music videos, wherever, and they see how cool that looks. They want their life to hold as much carefree, spontaneous and unique adventure as they see. They see how much fun it looks. Christian media hasn't done a spectacular job of being appealing in the media, and half of that is because we copy what the secular world is doing and slap a cheesy Bible verse on it. Girls don't want to be the odd one out, plain and simple. In the media, they don't see all these perfect girls missing out.

5. Partying. It's happening earlier and earlier and I think that's because of how easily it spreads. Through Snapchat, texting, and pictures that are posted online, girls see girls in the grades above them do it and they think it's okay because they weren't "the first ones". They want to have harmless fun. They hear the stories of their friends laughing for hours on end, or about how they don't remember taking this picture or walking to this place and a lot of girls want to be able to join in on those exclusive conversations.

The overall thing I keep going back to is acceptance. From friends, boys, the older grades, parents, etc.

My name is Jaime Bofferding and I'm graduating from Oral Roberts University with a Psychology degree and a business minor. I am passionate about people, media, and promoting Jesus in an authentic and real way. Check out my blog at: jaimebofferding.wordpress.com

Jamie would say that she has found answers to these challenges in her relationship with the Lord, and finding her identity, purpose and acceptance in Him. 

This is a helpful summary of what we can watch for as we guide tweens and teens into adulthood. Girls definitely feel the pressure of these things, and if we know what the problems are, we can be better equipped with some answers.

Can Your BF Pass This Quiz?

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Can Your BF Pass this Quiz?

Stop Teen Abuse Credit: Carey Hope

"He's so dreamy, so nice, so thoughtful."

Then over time, he begins to do some things that make you a little uncomfortable, but maybe, you think, it's just a bad day? You find yourself thinking, "Maybe I did something wrong to cause it? Surely that won't be normal."

You find yourself explaining him to people...

"It's kinda sweet, he always wants to know where I am and who I'm with. He really cares... kinda romantic!"

"He just doesn't like my friends that much, I mean, he likes them I guess, but he'd rather not hang out with them. That's ok.... I guess."

Do you ever wonder about some things your boyfriend does? Is it normal?

There are a couple of great websites to help answer that question.

One is www.loveisrespect.org. This website is FULL of info, resources, quizzes, help for teens and parents, and even a text-in peer advocate line.

If you want to take the quiz to see if you are in a healthy relationship, click here: Healthy Relationship Quiz. 

Another great source- Here is a checklist from www.stayteen.org: 

DATING ABUSE CHECKLIST

Sometimes it can be almost impossible to look at your relationship objectively. But if you’re concerned that your partner is abusive, your instincts are probably right. Go through our dating abuse checklist and see if your partner has said or done any of the things below. Can you answer agree with some or many of the statements below? If so, it’s time to think about getting help and getting out.

• My partner teases me in ways that hurt my feelings.
• My partner calls me mean names like "stupid" or "fat" or “worthless”.
• My partner acts jealous of the time I spend with friends, family, or people I’m in class with.
• My partner gets angry about the clothes I wear or how I style my hair or they try to control how I look.
• My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by my house, or getting someone else to call/drive by my house.
• My partner always wants to know who I talk to on the phone or who I’ve texted.
• My partner says it’s my fault when they have a bad day or are in a bad mood.
• My partner throws or destroys things when angry.
• My partner hits walls, drives dangerously, or does other things that scare me.
• My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs.
• My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do.
• My partner often accuses me of cheating or of being into other people.
• My partner doesn’t respect my privacy (he/she reads my email, goes through my personal things, demands access to my desk/locker, insists on seeing my text message history).
• My partner has threatened to hurt me.
• My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave.
• My partner has intentionally hit, kicked, slapped, punched, or otherwise hurt me.
• My partner has given me visible bruises, welts, or cuts.
• My partner forces me to go further sexually than I want to.
• My partner is mean to me in front of other people, but sweet, kind, and apologetic when we’re alone.
• My friends have told me they worry about me because of my partner/ think my partner is abusive.

Talk to a parent or adult today. Get someone else's opinion. Be honest with them. You deserve to be treated with respect.

You can call or text this Hotline- 24 hours a day. Seven days a week.

Text "loveis" to 77054. Or call 1-866-331-9474

Choosing a Good Husband Pt 1

Our youngest :)

Recently a couple of girls I've known for years, who are now at the age to consider marriage, asked me for a list of relationship advice. Advice geared toward those considering getting married.

 That is such a huge question. We could either be really simple, "follow your heart", or we could go overboard with a looooong checklist of demands....

I tend to be wordy in print, so looks like the list will err toward long....However, that's actually what these girls were asking me for, I believe. In a world where so few couples stay married, they were asking for real tips.

How do I choose a husband that I can actually stay married to for life? These girls are Christians and know that I am, so my list will be geared that way. As I wrote my answers for them, the thought occurred, why not blog this? There are obviously so many more good thoughts, so don't get mad at me if your best tip isn't on here. It would be FAB if you would leave yours in the comments!

SO, feel free to take what fits and throw out the rest. Though I really believe all these are important. :)

Part one focuses on HIM. (more to come, focusing on YOU).

10 signs that mean he might be a keeper:

1. Marry someone who loves Jesus as much as you do and who believes in the covenant of marriage. Having that in common will put you lightyears ahead on the road to success. It can be hard to be married at times, but each of you having your own personal relationship with the Lord will give you both the foundation necessary to make it work. It still takes more than that, but at least foundation is there to work from.

2. Choose a man of character.  A man of character is consistent. He treats you with respect, as well as others in his life- his friends, your friends, his mom, his family, his boss. He cares about honesty, commitment, respect and trust.  If he has a past that includes children or an ex, does he take care of them? Is his character the same online as it is in person? Is he open with you or secretive? 

3. Marry someone you can laugh with, that shares your sense of humor. It's a wonderful thing and can help you through difficulties, besides just making life more fun anyway! If you're laughing together, you're probably friends, which is a great basis for marriage.

4. A good husband is responsible. Does he have a job and a good work ethic? Does he pay his bills? Can you trust him in this area? Does he rely on you to do the responsible things or is he self motivated?

5. What is his family experience? They say you don't just marry him, you marry the family and there is truth to that. What are you marrying into? What's his idea of marriage based on how he grew up? Someone with a similar family experience growing up is helpful, but definitely not necessary. Commonality just makes thing a little easier when you already think somewhat alike in family related issues. Do you both want kids? What are each of your expectations about you working or not working outside of home when you have kids?

6. Marry a giver and not a taker.  In the Bible, dating isn't discussed, but marriage is. If you study the Ephesians 6 husband, he gives, not takes. He serves, doesn't demand. Love gives, lust takes. Read the chapter from that perspective. Of course, reciprocate that and be a giver also.

7. Find a man that's teachable.  Everyone makes mistakes and as a couple you hopefully mature together. Part of that requires both of you being teachable, not stubborn or demanding or stuck on your own way. You can work many problems out in life if he is willing to admit he's wrong sometimes, and see another way. You of course should be the same, not just him.

8. One push, one shove, one hit, he's out. Literally. Love is not abusive. I'm hard core on this, because of stories I know from friends. If he hits once, he'll hit again. You are not the one who needs to save him from this behavior. Someone else can help him. 

9. How are his words toward you? He should not call you ugly names.  His words should actually make you better. Back to the Ephesians 6 husband- as Christ "washes us" with the water of His Word, our husbands words to us should be cleansing and make us better.

10. Find someone who celebrates who you are, not someone who tries to change you into what he wants, that isn't true to your nature. You should feel celebrated, not criticized, and free to be your real self.


Come back tomorrow for tips geared toward YOU.

(repost from 9-25-12)

Twerking, Blurred Lines and Big Egos

Yes, Miley was outrageous at the VMA Awards.

Maybe it was so surprising to people because of her background as Hannah Montana. She came from somewhat of an innocent background but has grown into a completely different type of performer.

I'm not really surprised at all about a sketchy performance at an awards show, knowing what MTV is like, what awards shows are known for, and knowing that Miley took a turn away from wholesome tween entertainment a long time ago.

The only reason for this blog is the fact that so many were talking about the performance that I finally googled it to see what in the world happened.

Before any of this happened though, I'd already been bothered by Robin Thicke, and the popularity of his song "Blurred Lines", currently ranked number one on Billboard Charts. Yes it has a catchy sound, which I choose to ignore because I can't get past the fact that he calls girls b*tches, and I'd heard they dance around him naked throughout his video. Can't support music that objectifies women, which I know is a large chunk of popular music. I can't support it because it makes me ill how much it affects the mindsets of girls and guys both,  in our culture.

Plenty are speaking out against Miley. I want to shed some light on what Robin Thicke is putting out there. Now MTV can do what they want, Robin Thicke can do what he wants, the reason for this post is so that you can be fully informed, so that you and your teens, especially young teens, can make an informed decision on what to listen to. I wish things like this weren't mainstream, but they are, so we have to be active in knowing what's out there. When a song hits number one, it pretty much saturates society, so whether you choose to listen to it or not, it'll be heard anyway- at the mall, at the pool, in stores, as a friend listens to it. Pretty hard to escape popular music. At least know what it's about.

First of all, google the lyrics to Blurred Lines. I'll just put a portion here (explicit warning):

One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to
Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo
Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you
So hit me up when you passing through
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable
In a hundred years not dare, would I
Pull a Pharside let you pass me by
Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that
So I just watch and wait for you to salute
But you didn't pick
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

Besides the fact what does half of that even mean, there are plenty of surrounding lyrics like "Let's get nasty" to put it all in context.

Worse yet, the original video for this song, released this summer, was banned from YouTube for nudity, even raunchier than the actual lyrics. However, a quick google of Blurred Lines pulls up other video sources besides YouTube where anyone can still see the banned explicit version with one click.  (The video was redone for YouTube with the girls wearing a little bit of clothing.) Not checking out music videos often because they make me ill, I could hardly believe that this is really true. So I checked. I saw enough to confirm that yes, several naked women dance around him, while some are holding animals which confused me, and at one point in the video the words "Robin Thicke has a big d*ck" covers the screen. Obviously, he loves himself. This apparently is his shining accomplishment.

I came across an interview with Robin Thicke on Access Hollywood.  Here's the scoop. Here is the video where he is being interviewed about the Blurred Lines video being banned. (click on that word "interviewed" and it'll take you there so you can watch). He jokes about it, saying they deliberately pushed the bar, laughed about all the 13-14 year old boys probably watching it as fast as they could before it was banned (over a million hits immediately), and most disgustingly, joked about beastiality and the animals the girls were holding. YUCK. He's quite happy with the whole thing. And he followed it up with a pitch for his new project.

Miley may have been twerking and grinding with a man twice her age on stage, but let's not forget his part. The banned video and that interview give us a good idea where his music is headed, so you can make an informed decision of what you want to listen to and what you want your kids to listen to. I just want moms to know what's out there that their kids can click on easily and watch, without you ever knowing. It's an easy place for a young guy to watch naked women undetected.

Sidenote- what's interesting is that Justin Timberlake has a very similar video that YouTube banned, then decided not to ban, apparently because the nudity in Tunnel Vision is deemed "artistic". The videos are oddly familiar, both men are fully dressed while naked women dance around. (Why are the men always dressed and women always naked?)  When YouTube decided to keep the JT video online, they made a caveat to make it "safe"-there is now an explicit warning, and you have to push a button that says you're 18. That'll fix it. (heavy sarcasm).

I'm tired of music that objectifies women, because our girls and guys are starting to believe the message. This has become in many ways the level of expectation- in guys treatment of women, and how women should expect to be treated by men. I'm tired of men getting rich on being nasty, disrespectful and violent toward women, tired of the women who help perpetuate the problem by performing with the men, and tired of us making them famous by listening.


The lines are definitely blurred.

Top 5 Pressures of Middle School Girls

When I asked 13 year old girls in 2006 what the top pressures they face are, here's what they said:

1. peer pressure
2. teen years being a popularity contest
3. people trying to be something they're not
4. guys
5. being skinny

(a close 6th being pressure from parents, fyi)

When I asked the same in 2011 of 13 year olds, they gave me this answer:

1. trying to be perfect (like a model)
2. boys
3. peer pressure
4. girl drama
5. text/facebook wars

(with the 6th being eating disorders)

Hard to imagine that back when I met with those girls in 2006, Facebook wasn't even in their vocabulary. Those were the days! I just looked and it was launched February 2004, so just a few short years ago, social media was not a part of raising teens. (Just an interesting reminder).

Discussion starter:

Ask your daughter what she thinks the top 5 pressures are on girls in general today. See what she says. Then show her these lists and see if she agrees.

This will generate great discussion and hopefully lead you to a conversation where you can find out what specifically your own daughter feels pressure about. Don't respond, just listen first. Hard to do. Constantly have to remind myself of the same. Once we think about their situation, gain some empathy, then talk about it again.

Top 5 Posts in 2012

Where did the year go???!!! It's a blur.

I thought you might enjoy knowing the 5 most-read blog posts from 2012. Kinda funny that the top one is about boys LOL!

I'm realizing how long it's been since our focus has been friend problems, middle school issues, etc...so be expecting that topic early in 2013! But for now...drum roll please....here are the top 5!


1. Actual Quotes from Teenaged Boys

2. Helping Your Daughter Choose Good Friends

3. How Do You Respond to a Mean Girl?

4. 5 Things Story- Raising a Daughter with a Disability

5. 5 things Story- Roberta Pepin, Mom of 10


HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! Enjoy tonight. May your new year be blessed.

Phones and Social Media- Some Parents' Rules

Since my three recent posts, Dating Amongst Tweens, Dads Against Daughters Dating and At Some Point They Will Date, I've been thinking of the moms who do not have a husband at all to handle dating scenarios as they come up, and also those ladies who have a husband who is very hands off and unwilling in these matters.

I don't want to leave you out or leave you feeling discouraged that for whatever reason, your teens don't have a dad to enforce what you wish. Doing that alone is hard work. The answer to that dilemma is not easy. To be both roles yourself, or to find a father figure that your teen will listen to.

Through conversations I had with dads for those blog posts, some tips came up that might be valuable. I'd like to offer these out to everyone, but especially to moms in this situation. These tips can be used very well by dad or mom. In fact, in our house I enforce a lot of these myself, and just leave the big stuff to my husband. These are some steps that are helpful that will probably occur before dating even starts, so having some standards in place early on is helpful.


Here are some thoughts:

Our 16 year old daughter always has to ask us if a boy wants to be her "friend" on Facebook and we have to approve. She can not ask a boy to be Facebook friends first. She is not allowed to chat boys on Facebook either, unless she's related to them, or we know them very well. :)

We told our kids that they can't just give out their phone numbers willy nilly.

I've told my girls the benefit of giving out a google phone number instead of their cell phone number. With a google number, you can block people that you wish you hadn't given your number to or ever have a problem with. But the calls will forward to your real cell phone number. 

In middle school, my daughter is not allowed to give her number to boys, therefore she can't text them either. She can ask me about certain guys and if I approve it, I get their number also, so I have a list of boys numbers that are approved and who they are.

We do random phone and contact checks to see who they are talking to. I know sometimes kids "hide" people in their phone by listing them under someone else's name. My kids have to be ready to answer for everyone in their phone.

I don't let my kids "friend" anyone more than a couple of years older than them of the opposite sex unless it's a good family friend we know well. There's nothing to gain by them "getting to know" a guy or girl that much older.

We don't allow friending adults without asking us first. Has to be approved first. Teachers or coaches don't get cell phone numbers either. (We personally had this understanding too-my daughter was told if an adult asked for a cell number, to just give them mine.)

I reserve the right to have my kids "defriend" or "unfollow" people if I don't like what I see. If they want to stay on social media, that's part of it.

Much of  teens communication comes through these channels before dating ever starts, so having boundaries here in cell phones and social media is a good precursor to handling dating issues later.



 

D.A.D.D.s - Dads Against Daughters Dating

Our last post "Dating Amongst Tweens" tackled the subject of how, when and if dating should begin among our kids. Often there is some version of "dating" beginning in late elementary or early middle school (known as the tween years), so it's never too early to start figuring out your philosphy!

Your opinion will be needed sooner than you'd think.

Girls want to feel loved. Every girl wants to know that she is desirable. That may be a main motive for girls wanting to date.

A girl may find herself suddenly in a situation she didn't plan on. Say a middle school girl is innocently strolling around the school hallways, unawares. Before she heads into 5th hour, a boy delivers the message that his friend, who happens to be the guy that all the girls admire, likes her and wants to know if she likes him back. Flustered, and now flattered, this girl has felt the thrill and excitement of being wanted, picked out of a crowd, desired.

That can be an emotion that is heady and takes over reason. My husband has said this to our girls in the past...."There will come a day a guy will like you. It will feel amazing. But here's the clue, you don't have to do anything about it."

I think this is smart because if the above scenario happens, the girl feels giddy and ecstatic, then has to make a decision. What do I answer? Then comes the question, will I be his girlfriend? If she's thought about it prior and isn't caught off guard, she may realize "Wow, it really does feel great...and I think I'll just enjoy it feeling great. I don't think I'm ready to do anything about it." (Or she may yell YES, but we can hope).

The reality though? If all the girls are in love with him, the relationship probably won't last long and he'll  just add you to a list of girls conquered.

On the flip side, some girls now are putting undue pressure on boys at an early age. When they are "dating", suddenly the girl is shooting the evil eye at other girls who simply look in his direction. He's not allowed to have friends that are girls. One girl said "Girls often mistake having a conversation with flirting." Do we really own other people like that? Where they aren't allowed to talk to other people?

I asked several dads for their opinions on tween dating (ages 11-12 ish).
I asked about dating during tween and early teen years.  What I got was largely anti-dating answers, regardless of what stage of teen years we are referring to. (I'm happy to post a dad's opinion who is pro dating, I just haven't been able to find one!) None of these people who gave opinions are against dating entirely, they are just wary of dating before marrying is actually an option. And apparently, they know boys better than we moms do, having been one before.

Here are their thoughts:

"As a teacher and a dad of three girls, I'm totally against dating in the forms that I have seen. I don't want my daughters wrapped up into one person either emotionally or physically. They can go on dates to dances and such. Dating seems to awaken things in kids both male and female long before it is time. Definitely okay with dating in college and maybe late high school, depending on my daughter and the guy. What I tell my high school students is all kids are stupid when it comes to dating in high school so don't date." (I wish you could know this dad to "hear" him saying that last line. He is so fun and loved by teens, and connects with them instantly. Besides being a public school teacher, he has spent years in youth ministry, so he sees alot.)

"Girls basically want to feel loved and guys want to feel respected/have their ego filled. Guys probably love the hunt to make a girl like him more than the actual girl herself. It's more competition and a hunt, enjoying the power to make someone like you, more than the actual person. The girl is thinking it's all romantic and personal, and is doodling her first name with his last, and he's just happy to have someone cool to hang out with at the football game Friday night."

"I am not particularly open to my 13 year old daughters dating. It is no commentary on their maturity. However, I don't see the point or value of such relationships when they must be prohibited from running their course. Since this is the case, I can see no good excuse for them to subject themselves to the anguish of love lost, etc. Nor the pressure to behave in ways they ought not."

"Dating too early is almost guaranteed disappointment. You'll most likely end up taking hits on self esteem, and become an unintended victim."

One dad says he remembers being in 6th grade. His entire goal was to touch a boobie. It didn't matter whose boobie, anyone's would do. His girlfriend I guess would be the first one who allowed him to touch her boobie? That's deep. Haha. But honest.

"If a guy gets dumped, he probably doesn't care nearly as much as the girl would if she got dumped. His ego is probably hurt more than his heart."

"Girls look for relationship, boys look for opportunity. That's why guys can move on so easily. If a girl doesn't want to do something, he'll move on to the next one who will give him an opportunity."

(This last one is deep if you think about it. Girls should perhaps not feel quite so flattered in those times that boys are just seeking anyone willing. What happens is sometimes girls give in to things because they think they have to to keep the boy. That may be true- if it is, is that the kind of relationship you want? He's not after you, just what you can give him? The only fix for that is girls having high enough value and identity to not give into this. Hopefully parents of guys are teaching them that girls aren't just to meet their needs, but valued as people. And vice versa. Dating is best after kids have grown up enough to understand the value of other people.)

"Relationships in teen years usually cost more than they are worth. The risk outweights the benefit. There may be some value, but usually there's little value."

"From experience, boys are generally too immature to come close to meeting a girls' expectations. It's difficult at 42, I'm just figuring it out. Guaranteed a 14 year old guy doesn't know what he's doing. Girls tend to be surprised when disappointment happens, or when a guy is disappointing, but it shouldn't be surprising."

"If you can make it through high school without a boyfriend or girlfriend, I truly believe you'll be a healthier, more whole person".

This conversation happened referring to older teens and college aged dating, but they said, "Ya gotta date through the chemical phase. Aren't there love chemicals that get released that make us all lovey dovey and crazy? Definitely gotta date long enough for the love drug to wear off. Then see."


Here's what's helpful about the dad opinion. They are typically not emotionally involved in decisions, as we moms can be. They are protectors and logical. So often they can see things more clearly than we can, because they don't wrap themselves up in the process, but just call it like they see it. We do have to work together at times and he may need to hear some of our side to understand other things, but for the most part, when it comes to this subject of dating, even if you don't always agree, I say it's pretty good to have a husband with an opinion. He's usually right.

Putting all this thought and care into our dating opinion doesn't mean our kids will always listen to us, or that they'll do everything right. But both parent's perspectives are needed, and care and concern should go into how we approach this subject early on.

Dating Amongst Tweens?

Earlier this fall, a very popular post was "Choosing a Good Husband", written after some college aged girls asked for relationship advice in choosing a man to marry. The girls who asked are at the stage of life where they are thinking about marriage, and want a marriage that will last.

So now, what about all the younger teens? Girls and guys who want to date, but aren't exactly ready for marriage? Then there's the topic of the younger tween years, where some form of dating is already occurring among many in early middle school.

What's a parent to do?

We as parents get confronted with this decision earlier than most of us would care to deal with it.  I remember being asked when my daughter was in 6th grade if she and a friend could go to the movies with 2 boys .Our reaction was, "How could we even be having this discussion in 6th grade?" Some allow this, some don't. For us it was a no, which I'll explain below.

Dating in middle school and dating in later years seem to usually mean two different things. In middle school it could mean a boy and girl like each other from afar, pass notes through friends, just text, ignore each other awkwardly in the hallway, or they may actually be going out to the movies together.

Even the college girls I spoke to this summer ended up confused with all the terms...talking, dating, official, Facebook official...as they tried to explain to me the current dating "process". The confusing part to me is the new "talking" phase, before dating. When it turns from talking to dating I'm still not sure. I really want to understand this though. (Would love clarifying comments if you feel like leaving them on this post!)

This I know, there can't be only one "right way to date", so I'm just going to offer some principles to consider, along with our personal thoughts since we've been asked. Upcoming blogs will offer the thoughts of many I've also been asking.  It's all food for thought, as you decide what's best for your family.

Today let's focus on the tween middle school years.

Boyfriends and dating feel so important to some middle schoolers. Some feel defined by whether or not they have a boyfriend. The first step is finding out what "dating" and "boyfriend" even mean at your kids school. Like I already said, it may mean actually going to the skating rink or movies with a boy, then again it may mean you stop talking and feel awkward around each other in the hallways (this is my preferred definition in 6th grade!)

One value my husband and I share is that of waiting for things. As you look at the big picture, where do certain issues fit in age appropriately. What are the pros and cons of dating, what are the pros and cons of waiting?

Let's draw a line that represents 6th grade to the end of college. I'm starting in 6th grade because that's where I've seen forms of dating start. In 6th grade tweens are about 11 or 12 years old.

_____6_____7_____8_____9______10_____11_____12______fresh___soph____junior___senior___



Instead of just saying a big fat NO to your tween, discuss the subject with them (even if it's still followed by a no.) Consider this- Sometimes girls actually feel like this particular 6th grade boy will last forever, so for the sake of the argument, let's assume it will last. So if you start "dating" in some form in 6th grade, even if you got married VERY early, let's say after high school, that's 7 years of dating. If you got married after college that's 11 years or so of dating. The average age to get married is age 25, so make that 14 years of dating possibly. The line above is just a visual of all the years you have to get through, for both you and your tween, if boyfriends start in 6th grade.

You will either date for a very long time, or you will break up. When you start to date, those are your options- marrying or breaking up. Dating one person exclusively long term is a very mature decision, and one that will cause your tween to perhaps miss out on many fun friend activities because of being so busy with a boyfriend. Also, the harder truth for a tween to hear is this- Unless you are at a marrying age, the truth about your dating relationship is that it's probably not going to last.  And breakups involve emotions, heartbreak, etc. etc.

Whenever boyfriends or dating do start, look at it in perspective of that line above. Know that they will be living at home until at least 12th grade, and things only escalate. It's easier to delay freedoms and give them when time, than to allow freedoms then have to go backwards, especially when there are many years left to get through.

Consider it this way, what is more helpful to your daughter, to practice giving her heart away, to a probable immature person who will most likely hurt it? Or to practice protecting and caring for her heart, knowing the value of relationships. I know that in middle school some kids have even joked that they were married and divorced. Constant early dating is a form of practicing the beginning and endings of relationships. After so much of that, the heart can get beat up.

Oh, why so serious? Is it really harmful to have a boy that you like at 12? I know there's no way you can "stop" your tween from liking a boy. You can't control their emotions. But as my husband puts it, you can like them, but it doesn't mean you need to do anything about it (spoken like a good dad). In other words, yes you're going to have feelings for people, but talking through and understanding this whole outlook with your kids will help them make better decisions, or at least understand the reasonings behind your decisions. Delaying follow through as long as you can just helps you out a bit.

Our girls hearts are valuable and by design they love to give their heart away to love. Knowing how and when to do that is worth talking about. As they grow up, protecting the value of their heart and who they give it to is an important part of life. For believers, giving their heart and love to Jesus will bring much more fulfillment to their lives than a boy will, especially in middle school. We as parents can help them learn to protect their emotions, and to know that watching over their heart is a meaningful thing. At some point, giving their heart away to another person will be the right thing to do! It helps for them to know that. It's all about timing.

Are boys evil? No. Definitely not. Are dates evil? No. Would my kids have survived unscathed if we had let them go to that 6th grade double date movie? Maybe. Probably. But our decision was based on the principle of this question- why even start the dating process then? For us, it's too young and the tweens have not even grown up enough to handle each other's hearts responsibly. The earlier you awaken and encourage the desire for a boyfriend, the longer and harder the road until marriage. On the other hand, if they grow up in themselves and in friendships, they will probably be happier and have a little less heartbreak.

Now I'm not speaking of boy friendships. I know that sometimes for girls, boys can make better friends than girls because of the middle school girl meanness. Boys are less dramatic. Then again, I have not found a man hardly who agrees with that...he says the boy always secretly likes the girl. The great debate, I don't think we can solve here. This blog is addressing boyfriends. In early tween teen years.

Some parents have a certain number that is the dating age. 15, 16, 18. That works well for many. We don't have a certain number, for us it depends on the daughter, the boy and the situation.

I'm also aware there are parents who are okay with real dating in middle school, as long as the daughter is open about it with the parents and follow certain guidelines. Feel free to leave a comment on this post about what your guidelines and reasonings are, in case someone reading this leans more toward that persuasion than mine.

Remember when I said some middle schoolers are defined by whether or not they have a boyfriend? Why is that. What is the motive? Middle school can be such an awkward uncertain time, and fitting in and social status is fairly important to most. Some may want a boyfriend just because they feel incomplete or out of the social scene if they don't have one. I would ask a girl, "Do you really enjoy him, or do you like who you are because of having a boyfriend?"  If it stands that no, she really likes him, good.

Even if a girl is very mature and has a really quality guy she likes, ask these questions: would you rather take the chance dating, or would you rather keep him for a really good friend? Friends are valuable and generally last longer. It's easy for a really good strong friendship to later become a dating relationship. It's much harder to recover a lost friendship after dating too soon and hurting the relationship.

If you really like him, keep him as a friend for awhile. Take things slowly. Be friends. Be whole yourself. Think about things, don't just take things "the way they are" without thinking for yourself.
I want to teach my girls that other people's hearts are valuable and fragile and not to be played with. I don't want boys using my girls to just get what they want. I don't want my girls doing that to boys.

So asking your tween the honest question of WHY they want a boyfriend is interesting. Listen to what they say. Have them answer the actual pros and cons of having a boyfriend in middle school. If your child understands the WHY of something, they are more likely to listen to you, or at least understand your decisions.

More fights happen between girls about boys than anything else. So much drama is wrapped up in dating life, I think because kids are still very immature in early teen years. Gee whiz, adults can barely handle relationships, why do we think 12 year olds can?


Coming soon...thoughts on high school...and some dads opinions.

Halloween- A Reason to Take Your Clothes Off?

Wow. Hilar conversation with my youngest just now. I wanted to show her a video on YouTube that Jefferson Bethke was asked to make addressing how girls dress on Halloween (or don't dress, that is). I'd thought about writing a blog and including the video in it.

I was telling her how he got bashed in the Facebook comments by so many Christians who don't believe in celebrating Halloween. I mean bashed. Bashed for even associating himself with the holiday. Though we don't celebrate it either, it made me a little scared to blog on the subject at all!

I asked her if she remembered why we've not celebrated Halloween, all the spooky stuff and trick or treating. (It's been a looong time since I think we've even talked about it...I've learned to never assume).

So we talked about it again, highlighting a few reasons.

Mainly because it seems everything about it celebrates fear and death-like things. I can't seem to find a redeeming factor in it. I know that most don't agree with us on this. I'm okay with that.

In the midst of writing this, I had to go to Walgreens and buy notecards for homework purposes. So I made it into a little field trip! I went down the Halloween aisle to see what I could see. Once I pushed back the 30 foot inflatable cat, I squeezed down the aisle to find this.

creeeeepy

Now when my girls were little, we did dress them up sometimes and take them to an alternative "Harvest" party at church for fun, games and candy. In the back of my mind I still always wondered why we even had to have an alternative if it's a holiday I don't care for. Nevertheless, as a lover of fall and all things autumn, we still did it, and have lots of cute pics to this day.

(However, today my daughter acted surprised at this knowledge, like she didn't remember the church dress up events. I'm looking at her like she's absolutely crazy and she says, "Mom! I was in a costume every day of my life! I'm not sure I knew the difference!" True.)

We didn't buy them costumes. Instead, they had to use their imagination and come up with their own, using what we already owned. Only one time do I remember buying a swath of orange fabric so my oldest could be a gypsy.

gypsy

Memories are becoming foggy, but one year my middle was either a "Lost Bride" or a "Runaway Bride" because the only play wedding veil we had was torn. We do remember that in character, she had been lost, running through the woods and tore her veil on a tree. Now that's awesome use of ready made materials.

runaway bride

Today my daughter stated, "My friends all seems to think my life was empty without Halloween and Santa Claus, but really I'm quite content". (Her verbage is my daily delight). BTW, the no Santa Claus thing- we are not anti Santa Claus by any means, we just never acted like Santa was real. We sat on his lap, had his pictures on wrapping paper, but didn't act like he was real. There was no huge philosophy behind it. I guess we just didn't want to lie. (No one appears scarred.)

Another reason it's not been a big deal to not celebrate Halloween... it's my birthday! Therefore we've always called it Hollyween at our house and celebrated my birthday instead.

Back to why I started this post, I wanted to post this video by Jefferson Bethke, but I didn't want to get bashed like he did. When I said that out loud to my daughter today, she said that my job as a blogger is to stir things up (said in some better wording I've forgotten).

I said "I don't want to get bashed on my birthday!" She looked at me with that challenging look in her eye, almost implying my wimpiness, sooooo.....in honor of her, I am posting this. In honor of me and my birthday, will you please not bash me? I never mind if you share differing opinions, as long as it's done respectfully. Thanks. Totes appreciate it. Not that any of you would.

Actually I'm SO grateful I've never been bashed with mean comments on this blog, EVER, so thank you that I've never had to deal with that. I read other blogs where people take a stand or just simply say their opinion, and the comments that shoot back make me want to shut down my entire internet!! Whew.

So let's just say, whether you celebrate Halloween or not is not the issue. I said that I don't, just because I have a blog and am writing about this, but I'm not trying to coerce you into my view.

My only point, that it's taken THIS LONG to get to, LOL, is this: Moms of girls AND boys, are you aware of how some girls dress at Halloween parties these days???

I've seen many pictures on Facebook of girls literally in lingerie, walking around a party like it was nothing. I've heard moms arguing with daughters over "you are NOT wearing that out of this house".

It's become so common that girls use Halloween as an excuse to not wear much. And it's also sad to me how many costumes are sexualized, and for very young girls. Sad face.

When I saw Jefferson's video, he addresses this topic. It was interesting to hear from a guy's perspective.

He talks of before he was a Christian and how he looked forward to Halloween because he knew the girls would be dressed in next to nothing...so he saw it as a huge opportunity for him to basically freely lust after girls. (He now feels completely different and calls that attitude he had "wicked"). He talks to girls about dressing to please the Lord and not man.

I haven't been able to appropriately ponder all that he says in this video yet, but it has some good thoughts. Just wanted you to be able to see it too. Click on the link below to watch it.

How to Address Modesty on Halloween

Feel free to share differing opinions and thoughts as usual, just please in a respectful way.
...and Happy Hollyween!!

Choosing a Good Husband Pt. 2 - Check Yourself



jadyn noelle photography

 Are you one that wants to get married ONE time and make it work?
To actually stay married for life?

If so, good for you. It's possible. A good goal. Not gonna lie, it's hard, but it IS possible. The best headstart you can give yourself is choosing a good man to marry. They are out there! Yesterday we held out 10 qualities to see if your man is a keeper...a man that will make a good husband in the long run.

Today, let's talk about YOU. Your outlook on life and marriage. These are outlooks that will help or hinder you from being the wife that he can marry one time, for life.

1.  Marriage works best when two whole people, confident and complete within themselves, marry each other. If each person feels like a "half", searching for someone to complete them, they will most likely end up disappointed in marriage. No other person can complete you. Work on becoming "whole" yourself, in your own identity and in your relationship with Jesus, the ultimate Fulfiller. Choose a man who is complete on his own also, confident in himself and his relationship with God. Two wholes make a marriage. Two halfs make a hole that will never be filled. Are you looking for someone to make you feel better and complete? Or are you your own person with confidence and goals, who happens to find someone you'd like to live your life out with? Have your own dreams for your life. Be a whole person with or without him. Be confident.

2. Don't marry a dream. What you have is what you get. Aren't girls infamous for thinking "I'll change him?" You won't. Or "things will be different when we're married?" It won't. So, don't marry what you want him to become, or the idea of what you want marriage to be. Look very clearly at what you have NOW because that is what you have.  If you don't have it dating, you won't have it married. Is that too blunt?

3. Keep your standards high before marriage. Don't marry what you're not willing to live with. This is tricky, because some girls' standards are so high they will never marry. Then again, some girls explain away flaws that they'd rather not see, in order to not be alone. That understood, it is still important to keep your standards high if you want a really good man. This leads us to point #4.

4. You want to have high standards before marriage, but depending on how you think, with some girls it's a fine line between high standards and expecting perfection. Even in high standards, you can't expect perfection.  You won't get every single thing you want in one man. It's impossible. Be picky, but not unrealistic. No one is perfect and guys will make mistakes. As will you. Which leads me to point #5.

5. You need to have someone older and more mature in your life to help you decide if some mistakes are immaturity and forgivable, or if they are deal breakers. Sometimes you can only see that if you're older and have lived longer, so a mentor friend is very valuable. More on that below.

6. Don't unfairly judge your man based off of what has become dubbed as "chick porn". Chick porn consists of all the love stories, books and movies that portray boyfriends as perfectly charming, impossibly good looking and always "on" in the ultra romantic department. They slay dragons and run through the crowded streets of Manhattan to chase a taxi down in order to propose to the waiting female. Most guys aren't going to live up to that romantic Hollywood ideal. That's not entirely real.

You don't want to be judged by guy porn, do you? Girls that aren't entirely real? He shouldn't be judged on our girl version of porn, utter and total perfect romance at all times. It makes for a great movie, but then many are dissatisfied with the real guy next to them on the couch. Think about it.

That said, I would worry about a dating relationship where there was NO romance, pursuit or adventure. Most guys will muster up romance during the dating phase to win you over and that is a big part of dating! It's good to feel pursued and romanced, to know that he really wants you. 


7.  Let a good guy be a good guy, without having to be THAT guy. Banners and posters, flying leaps out of airplanes, and heartshapes mowed into cornfields are not going to last. They are endearing, make for great memories and pictures, but sometimes a guy who simply asks you face to face to the prom, or to marry him, is a good guy.  (For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, asking a girl to a dance, a prom or to marry him has of late become an art form. One that I wonder about- are guys intimidated by this? Have girls become too demanding in their expectations of romance and exploits for simple invitations? Guys, be thoughtful, respectful, charming and maybe even romantic in your invitations to girls, but save the big one for a marriage proposal.) Girls, if he's speaking to you face to face and is sincere and thoughtful, receive it, even if there's not fanfare.  If he happens to be strumming a guitar singing a song written just for you, good for you, enjoy it!


8. Tell yourself the truth. Girls, we are SO good at lying to ourselves, seeing what we want to see and explaining away red flags. Ask friends who care about you and are brave enough to tell you the truth. The ones you're afraid to ask. If a lot of people close to you are questioning you two as a couple, listen carefully to that. Ask yourself why you're afraid to talk to some friends about him. Listen to family. Be honest with yourself about any red flags you see.  Everyone I know who is now divorced say they ignored red flags before getting married. Divorce is an extremely painful process. Listen now, even though it's hard. It'll be harder later.

9. Take it slow. Enjoy the process. Enjoy friendship. Don't rush it. We live in an impatient culture that hurries everything along. Instead of acting like you're married, (going on trips together, spending Christmas morning with them, living together, having sex, having him read marriage books with you)  just date and see if you enjoy each other. Hang out, have fun, be friends, date. You can add all those other things when it becomes appropriate. Some things are better and less complicated when waited for.

 10. Make your decision a matter of much prayer. Follow peace in your heart. God will direct you. He wants good things for your life, so let Him in on this decision- the biggest decision of your life. He knows your heart, your life and what is best for you. 

5 Questions to Ask Yourself-

1. Do you really, really love him?

2. Does he bring peace or drama to your life?


3.Does he make you a better person? Are you freer to be yourself or do you feel controlled?


4. Have you lived through each season together?  Summer, fall, winter, spring? Have you been through some "life" together? Hit a bump or two? it's good to be together long enough to have a challenge or two to work out.

5. Are the things that bug you when dating deal breakers, or livable? If it bothers you now, it will only escalate in marriage. Ex. If the issue is that he's messy, you are able to deal with that.  You may not like it, but you can learn to deal with it. If the issue is he cheated on you when dating, that's a deal breaker. Talk it over with your older mentor friend who has lived longer than you. Almost 100% of affairs I've heard of in adult married couples had cheating involved during dating or engaged years. That's a serious issue that will probably be repeated, so you need to talk to someone about it.

"Don't marry someone you can live with- marry someone you can't live without".