End of School Year Musings

Please take a minute and lighten your day and read --->  the funniest blog post ever by Jen Hatmaker. She hits the nail on the head today with her end of school year musings of a worn out mom!  

My I'm kinda glad those days are over, though they were definitely fun then.

I planned a 4th grade Girls 101 workshop for next week, which meant I had to be advertising and talking to moms about it all last month. Comments I got were "help!! end of school year events!! been busy!!!" and "haven't checked email, sorry!! busy!!!"

I forgot. Forgot just how busy that is.

I'm sorry to moms who I helped irritate as I planned those end of year gifts and parties for the classroom years ago! I had my pseudo-over the top phase, but balanced out by my shrinking away from the mom who bought monogrammed lunch kits for each kid in class for the last day of school lunch. Really?? Let's be fun, but isn't that a bit much? Moms were too nice to say anything, but I still glanced around curiously at other moms during the party, trying to figure out if I was alone in my thinking....I don't think I was. You know, the nice Christian mom looks. We shouldn't really gossip about or say blatantly mean things about another mom, but we can give each other looks, widen our eyes, raise our eyebrows, give a questionable smirk....If nothing was said out loud, it doesn't count, right? 

Relief hit when one school we had our kids in said "No purchased gifts for teachers. It has to be homemade, handwritten, or flowering". YES! I'm sure those teachers probably threw away many homemade gifts, but claps for simplicity.

Times do change. Having only high schoolers at home now, I barely know what's going on with school. I doubt I could name two of my daughter's teachers (the one who goes to the large public school). I might be able to name two of my other daughter's teachers (the one who attends the large private school). Maybe.

In fact, two weeks ago, the funniest thing happened. Maybe you saw pictures of the Girls 101 Workshop I did at a local elementary school this semester. Well the 6th graders BEGGED me to come to their year end award assembly. So I did. It was so sweet to see all their awards and get attacked by their hugs.

Fast forward to my exit from that sweet assembly, I flipped through Instagram on my way out to the car and see a picture of MY OWN daughter, at the same time, at her school, smiling on stage with the title JUNIOR CLASS ASSEMBLY. 

I panicked and texted her, "AM I SUPPOSED TO BE AT YOUR SCHOOL? Did you have a school awards assembly??" She sent back, "No, it was super short and no parents were there."

Relief. 

But sad.

Oh well.

Enter the new era of ..not being busy with end of school year events!

5 Things Story- Bad Grades, Bad Friends...HELP!

Are you a fan of the 5 Things Stories on our website? If you're new to our site, click on this link to find a variety of stories written by moms of all different stages of parenting. 

http://www.5things.us/p/5-things-stories.html

We ask moms of unique experiences and different stages of mom-ming, "What are 5 Things you're glad you did in raising your daughter?"

Everyone tends to list regrets first, but when forced to think hard, most can come up with some basic things that were very beneficial, looking back. My hope is that these stories can be of encouragement to us who are still in the trenches.

As I was thinking through who to have write a 5 Things story for me, this friend came to mind. Though I haven't seen her much in recent years, when she lived near she always impressed me with her parenting style. She tells in this story that she was a single mom until her daughter was 12.  

I didn't know much of this story until reading this post. It is so good. I'll let it speak for itself.

"Mom, I need to talk to you about something." Here it comes, I thought to myself. I could tell by her face that whatever  she was getting ready to say wasn't something she thought I would approve of.  She was 11 years old going on 16 and had been hinting around about how fun and exciting it would be to kiss a boy.  She was a social girl who liked to be on the go and I loved that quality in her.  This also meant that she developed a precocious nature early on. 

"Okay mom," she says, "Please listen all the way through and let me finish before you give me an answer." 

I could already tell the answer was going to be no,  but I agreed to her terms and she continued. 

"I've been thinking about this for a long time, and you said I wasn't  allowed to kiss boys, but I feel like I'm ready, and I need to. If you would just let me do it then I wouldn't have to wonder what it's like anymore and that would get it out of my system.  Before you say no, please think about it".

"Let me get this straight,"  I said. "Your opinion is that if you get kissed, that will be all you need, and from then on out, until a few more years go by, you won't ask me again?"

 "Yes!" she piped in enthusiastically.  "I promise I will not ask about it again until I'm older." 

She was so sweet and I wanted to kiss her for her innocence and transparency.  Early on, we established a system of honesty, that she adhered to.  The agreement between us was such that if she was honest with me even when she made mistakes and was scared to admit it, then we would talk it through and I would help her find a solution. However, if she did lie or withhold the truth from me, there were consequences that would be applied from me, as well as the natural consequences of her mistake itself. So basically, she would be making it way harder for herself if she lied to me.   

While it had worked in past situations, this time I was in a catch 22.  If I told her no without explanation, she would resent me and most likely do it anyway. On the other hand, there was no way that I was going to give her permission. After some thought I told her, "Well, let me ask you a question. When you desire something like food for instance, do you want just a small taste of it, or enough to satisfy you?"

She pondered for a moment and said, "I would want more." 

I gently explained to her how in the history of humanity we have proven time and time again that we always want more of a good thing.  In this case that "good thing" would be more intimacy and physical contact. After all, it was natural to feel that way because that is how we are made. 

Sometimes, the experiences we haven't had yet can become the only thing  we are able to focus on. Kind of like a dog with a bone.

"I think you should allow yourself to dream about it for a little while longer. Trust me when I tell you that the mystery and desire for something is the first and often most pleasant part of things. After that, it becomes normal, like the chocolate cake you eat for dessert. It's good, but not near as delicious as it would be if I told you that you couldn't have it, while it was sitting in front of you. You would want it more than ever. However, if you put that piece of cake out of your mind and focus on something else, it will lose its power.  You are powerful and in charge of your choices, and before you kiss a boy, you need to learn more about yourself. Your journey will bring you to a boy's lips someday but until then, enjoy your cake."

That satisfied her for a time, but I knew this wasn't over and boy, was I right.  My sweet, precious, honest,  little angel turned into someone else when she hit 12.  Her body was changing and her hormones were bouncing around inside her like a jackhammer out of control. Concurrently, I met and married a man whom she liked as well.  Although he was very good to her and loved her, she was angry and feeling as if I had deserted her.  I had never been married before and up until that point had put all of my energy and focus into being a good mom for my daughter.  At the same time that I got married, I uprooted her life and moved to a small town where my husband was offered a job.  So there she was- 12 years old, feeling deserted, ripped away from her friends and home to start a new life that she didn't ask for. And don't forget the HORMONES!

She began to sneak out and lie to me.  I overreacted and made things worse, even though at the time I thought I was handling the situation correctly.  Nothing I tried worked.  She was dead set on doing what she wanted, regardless of the consequences and division it was causing in the house. The more she rebelled the more upset I became and the more emotionally I reacted to the situation.  I was at a loss.  My husband and I were going to her school several times a month to talk to teachers and to try and get some feedback on what we could do.  Her grades were slipping from A's to C's,  D's, and F's, but mostly D's and F's.  

I was scared and was watching her throw away potential opportunities for her future.  She didn't care. All the talking, screaming, grounding, taking away, and everything else we tried, was all a vain attempt that pushed us farther into a chasm of despair.  This was my beautiful daughter.  When did she turn into this mean girl? I didn't know this girl.

.  

Her life was all about her social life and trying to be popular.  She was consumed with boys and fun.   I wished that I had instilled better values in her and I was feeling like a failure.  I prayed, cried often and worried about her all of the time.

Then it hit me!  If I didn't feel like I knew her anymore,  then that was the first thing that needed to change.  

Instead of losing my cool with her, I dropped the attitude and began empathizing with her. Instead of yelling at her, I decided to embrace her, accept her choices and help her through it calmly, just as I had done whenever she came to me with her mistakes. I had high hopes for her and I wanted her to hope for herself once again.  I began to listen and tried not to preach when she told me things that scared the "you know what" out of me. I would panic inside and still overreact at times. 

So I practiced taking  myself out of the equation.  When she broke rules I tried not to overreact, which changed the whole dynamic.

 At first, it was hard for me to grasp the idea of accepting her while not approving of her behavior. Then I began to hear statements like "I guess I messed that up", or "I will do that differently next time."  She began to see the importance of her choices! 

Instead of using the word "grounded", we told her it was just a moment to take a breath and think about things, and that it would be good to spend more time together and stay closer to home.  She knew that "technically" meant she was grounded, but the small changes in our attitude put all the ownership on her. It was no longer about her mean mother trying to control her, it was all about her.  

When she wanted to go out with her friends,  I monitored her plans by checking them and even confirming with other parents about the plans.  I did most of that without her knowing so she wouldn't feel controlled and mortified. Even then,  she would find new ways to lie.  It was always with the same bunch of friends that she got into trouble.  I didn't want to demand that she couldn't hang out with those people, because I knew she would miss the point, get angry with me, then use that as an excuse to justify her selfish behavior.  

I also didn't want to engage in the task of constant monitoring either, so I told her she could be friends with them if she wanted to, but she could not go to their houses ever again and unfortunately, they were not welcome in our house either. It felt like we were crushing her and it felt like torture for me to have to do it.  I didn't sleep well that night because I knew she felt scared to have to deal with it.  

When she saw her friends at school, she would try to catch up with them, but they began to resent her because they felt rejected.  She was watching old friends fade out and didn't have any replacements.  Within a couple of weeks, her friends grew tired of not being able to see her. It eventually became too much effort for them and they dumped her. 

By this time she was about 14 and her grades were still declining.  It was the end of the school year and she was complaining that it was taking too long for summer to arrive.  She had only a few friends that she could hang out with and felt lonely.  When she would complain, I would listen with empathy and instead of reminding her why she couldn't hang out with those particular people, I encouraged her to get out there and meet new friends.  

In short, I changed my approach but the rules didn't change. Instead of getting on to her, I rewarded her with compliments about how brave she was to go through it and come out on top.  She liked the compliments and the support and began to focus on what she was looking for in a friend.  

At this same time, her grades were a big problem and I was completely lost on how to help her.  She was getting ready to enter high school and I felt if things didn't change soon, she would ultimately bury herself in bad grades and give up altogether.  After many failed attempts and teacher student discussions, she still refused to study and didn't care about school.  The only thing left for me to do was talk to the principal and check out all her text books that she received a C or below on, and bring them home.  

I explained to her that since she decided to play while everyone else was working, she had to work while everyone else was playing.  After all, how was she going to move forward a year if she didn't know what happened the year before?  Since learning is something that is done in steps, she had to learn this step this summer or be held back.  The school wasn't going to hold her back  I was.  

She had managed to skimp by with D's but that was ridiculous and unacceptable in my opinion and she had to learn what she'd missed. That summer, every morning at 8:00am, she sat at the table and read a chapter then completed the questions and tests at the end of each chapter, then left it for me to check.  She could not go anywhere, watch tv, or do anything until her chapters were done.  She had to complete Math, History, Geography, and Science.  It was a difficult time for her but she knew she didn't have any another alternative.

When she complained, I reminded her that it was her choice to do it this way. She caught on very quickly to the idea that if she was going to have to do the work regardless, she might as well do it during the school year so she could enjoy her summer with her friends.

One day she asked me, "Mom, when are you going to trust me again? I'm not perfect but I'm trying." 

I thought about that piece of chocolate cake and how we as humans want what we can't have. Sometimes we can become so focused on that one thing we want, that we forget to enjoy what we do have. "If I have ever given you the impression that I expect perfection from you then I am sorry for that. All I expect you to do is your best and stop putting yourself in positions that are going to restrict your life.  This big world is your oyster. It starts here in this town, in this school, with these people. Get busy making it exciting.  All you have to do to replace trust and freedom is to be willing to say  no to three things.

"Huh?" she said, "What three things?"  

I said, "Enjoy everything this town has to offer except say no to drugs, alcohol, and sex. Just say no to those three things. There are so many things you have to choose from.  If you are dead set on putting your energy into any of those three things you are wasting your time and telling me that you need more time at home to evaluate your priorities. Additionally, if I can't trust you, then I have to spend my time worrying about you and I'm not willing to put myself in that position, so your freedoms will be limited to my convenience. Say yes to everything you want to do, within reason of course,  but no to those three things. Or, you can continue living with all these restrictions. If you think about it, I think you will find its a great offer." 

The light went on. Then  I decided it was time to get her very busy so her choices wouldn't be as hard.  She was very surprised when she was informed that each semester she needed to be involved with two after-school activities, sponsored by the school.  She could choose whatever she wanted to do but she must sign up for two at a time.  She signed up for soccer and drama club, where she began to meet other kids who had goals of college and scholarships.  Then after those were over, she went to sign up for two more, but couldn't make her mind up, so she did three.  

She became a driven leader and had a slew of people to hang out with who were all making excellent grades.  As the first year of high school progressed, her grades went from bad to good.  She began to feel that she was the driver of her own life and all her choices were hers to own. 

 She was now clicking along and because she was actively involved with school, she began developing relationships with her teachers and therefore didn't want to let them down by doing poor work.  She excelled in speech and received awards and honors for her work.  She began to excel in every area. By the time her senior year was over, she graduated on the Dean's list and received scholarships from local groups, as well as a full scholarship to a school in NYC.  She was also the senior class president and prom queen. 

Looking back, I'm so very glad those years are behind us.  It was hard for all of us and I can surely see how certain mistakes I made helped  lead her to the unhealthy choices she was making.

  

She now lives in NYC and all those memories are put away in time like an old box in the attic.  It's nice to thumb through old memories. It's as if they were old photographs being laid out to reminisce on. 

It is very ironic, though, that after all the preaching that I did to her, I would have learned a thing or two myself; but to be honest, I'm the one still trying to figure out how to say no to chocolate cake."

What a good story!!

This post has so much practical wisdom and advice in it. I chose 5 things to focus on that are great things to apply if you're having problems with your tween or teen. 

1.  System of honesty- I like the agreement. Tell me and I'll help you. Don't tell me and you'll have natural consequences PLUS mine.

2.  Step IN instead of OUT-  "If I didn't feel like I knew her anymore,  then that was the first thing that needed to change." It's so tempting, and much easier, to step away when things are hard. But this is true- sometimes at the hardest times, that's when the biggest effort should be made.

3. Take yourself out of the equation- "When she broke rules I tried not to overreact, which changed the whole dynamic." Listening and empathizing more feels risky, but may work. I remember when someone told me to try to think of myself as a judge- take the emotion out and simply dole out consequences. That helps when we want to overreact. Of course, we need to be more relational than a judge would be (lol). Instead of blowing up, we can remove ourselves a bit from the emotional state we may find ourselves in...calm down, breathe, listen, find empathy, and then give out any consequences that may need to happen. Not as a mean mad parent, but as a deliverer of the consequences of the choices that they themselves made.

4. Focus on the positive when you can- "Instead of getting on to her I rewarded her with compliments about how brave she was to go through it and come out on top."

5. Give a simple goal- Say no to these 3 things: say no to drugs, alcohol and sex. Stop putting yourself in positions that are going to restrict your life. This last sentence really shows that it's the choices they are making that are 1) their choice and 2) going to limit their lives. It gives them the power to realize different choices will give more freedom. 

Another point, we as parents often don't like to do the hard things that will make change in our kids. It hurts to cause pain or watch them suffer, but I think this is a great example of times when a little pain brought great reward and change. Parenting is NOT for the weak of heart! 

Be encouraged. Be strong. Do what you gotta do for that long term benefit of change. 

A Glimpse Inside of a Local Workshop

Instead of making excuses of why I haven't been blogging, how about showing you some pictures?

We just finished a super fun five week session of Girls 101 at a local public school. A very good group of girls, such sweeties.

Why am I always floored when they share why they liked the group and what they learned at the end of our five weeks? I don't know, except that it's a thrilling and encouraging thing for us as leaders to hear girls, unprompted and uncoached,  share the exact things we are hoping they take away from our time together.

Things like...

I got to know more girls that I didn't know well before.

I like that we learned what to do when we get bullied or see someone else get bullied.

I like leaving everything from the day behind and having fun here.

It helps to get stuff the negative stuff out of me and learn how to deal with stuff.

Hopefully using visuals the girls helped create, they will continue to remember things like...

not labeling people, even before giving them a chance

pursuing traits that make a good friend and avoiding traits that cause fights

assessing ourselves as friends as well as we assess other people (smile)

the power of words that can affect others strongly- both positively and negatively

One of my favorite things about new workshops is meeting 15 new girls in our city that I didn't know before.

I loved working with these wonderful ladies. All are former teachers who are now home raising kids. They love this opportunity to get back into a school, be with kids again and teach valuable life skills.

It was a thrill for me to have a photographer in the bunch share her talent! She captured amazing pictures weekly. Thanks to Elizabeth of Sanco Photography for contributing this valuable part. We were able to give each girl a fun picture collage at the end of our session as a momento.

Workshops are available for schools as an after school program, in 5 week sessions for grades 4-12th. If you would like more information, please email me at hollytumpkin@gmail.com.

4th and 5th Grade Girls- The Worst Time of Day

Last week began a new Girls 101 workshop at a local elementary school.

To get things started, we did some brainstorming on first thoughts that come to mind when you hear the topic "Girls" or "Friends".

The first column are all the good things that friendships bring. I'm sure you can see from the second column, these are the negative things that come along with friendships among girls.

So is it a given that drama has to be a part of a girl's life?

Well, it's hard to avoid it completely, so there are some things we can talk through and learn about that help to deal with complications as they arise. Girls can feel a little more equipped at least, instead of helpless.

We challenge girls to think through the behavior of the offender, what motivates people to be mean in the first place. What's nice about doing workshops in schools, I have no idea who the nice ones or the mean ones are, (many can be both) and we talk freely about the issues, challenging each to the same standards.

According to girls everywhere, a lot happens at lunch and recess.  Many say recess is the worst because it's face to face conflict. Other times of the day, messages are being sent through other people, so it's more indirect, but recess is the mean person's chance to get face to face with you.

Discussion Starters:  Ask your daughter what lunchtime and recess are like at her school. Does she dread either for any reason? Does she see bad behavior happening to people? If so, take the opportunity to tell her your thoughts on how she can stand up for herself or others.

Yet Another Suicide. More Bullying.

For those of us in my city, a couple of days ago came the sad news of yet another suicide, this one at the I High in Coweta. There have been way too many in our city this year.

Some of the suicides this year have hinted at being results of possible bullying, some we will never know.

However, according to many students, parents and witnesses, this week's 9th grade boy appeared to have been a victim of sure bullying, according to this news report. We are so sorry and send prayers to his family and friends. For the full story, click on this link below, highlighted in blue.

But first, it gets worse. This seems to be an ongoing issue in this particular area. One girl from this same area came forward to tell about being a victim of intense bullying also. According to the news story, it sounds like parents have already been banding together in this area trying to take some action against an obvious problem. In this news link, a copy of one of the vicious notes left in this girl's locker is posted for all of us to see. It's important to look at it, though the news story cautions "Graphic Content". Please take a look.

ARTICLE IN NEWS TODAY on KRMG

Thank goodness the girl told someone, who thankfully told her parents. Unfortunately it looks like when the school did take some action, the perpetrators just changed victims. Unfortunately, the next victim took his life this week.

I have no idea which schools in our city take action and which say "kids will be kids", so I cannot comment to that.

But I do know that it's complex and terrible and needs some action. Snapping bra straps and tripping someone in the hallway may have been the problems years ago, but now there are some terrible actions being taken that are way beyond comprehension. The note in that news article is a perfect example of the brutality of some things happening today.

For adults to just say "kids will be kids" doesn't work anymore. Sometimes just telling a kid to "suck it up" doesn't work.

On the flip side, some schools are so stringent now, we end up with stories like this one in the news today about the 7 year old boy suspended from school for throwing a fake grenade. He said he was playing "Save the World" and threw the fake grenade to destroy evil and save the world. Pretty typical behavior for young boys. Surely schools can find a happy medium between this severity of action, and "kids will be kids". 

Please tell someone if you are being treated this way. Tell someone who cares.

Please tell someone if you know a friend is being treated this way. Even if your friend gets mad.

Use your schools anonymous tip line if you don't want to be known. If your school doesn't have one, ask them to set one up. 

Adults, take time to learn and listen, not to just brush off reports as kids being too sensitive. Stand up for them if something bad is happening to them. If you know something and don't want to be known, you use the anonymous tip line at the school too! It can be scary to confront- do it anonymously if you can't in person. 

People have gotten a little weary of the word bullying, I know. We can't call every conflict between individuals bullying, or we lessen the weight of true bullying. But what seems to be going on at this local school is true bullying- when a student receives a letter that says, "You stupid attention whore. Pigs like you deserve to get slaughtered. Just make everybody happier and die. JUST DIE." Perpetrators like this need to be found and punished. 

After the death this week, one mom started a Facebook Page called  Oklahoma Parent's Alliance Against Bullying. She posts some helpful tips for how to take action within the school system if your child is being bullied. 

OK Parents Alliance Against Bullying shared some good tips today.  Keep copies of every form of proof of harassment. Keep the notes, texts, emails, print out the IM's, social media, etc. 

Also, on the Oklahoma Dept of Education website, there is a lot of info on bullying, complete with official forms to fill out when reporting an incident. 

If your school doesn't respond effectively, move on up to the next level to report it again.

Meanwhile, let's stay busy with our own kids and all of those in our sphere of influence, being a good role model and teaching how to have character and be a good person. 

And I'll continue trying to grow Girls 101 Workshops and get them into schools, where one of the things we cover is issues like these. 

5 Awkward Talks to Have This Summer #1 - Pedophiles

If I see one more story of a teacher being inappropriate with students I may blow up. Is it weekly now? And often too close for comfort? Sometimes in my own city.

This has been on my mind, but this week I saw yet another story. A Teacher of the Year was found sexting nude photos to an 8th grade student where he taught band in a middle school. In Texas.

We have had  recent crazy stories here in our town, involving even elementary aged children. I know of real stories, more than I wish I knew, about people involving inappropriate actions. Not all of them ever went public. It is too common. I've even had to call a school and report a teacher for warning signs.

As serious as this is and as much as we want to protect our children, it's still an awkward subject to bring up in normal conversation. Especially at my kids ages, when they're coming and going and rarely all home at the same time. I can see it now, as they are running out the door for work, "Oh and beware!! If anyone tries to touch you inappropriately, don't let them!" Seriously, when does it fit in??

Is it good dinner conversation? Maybe. Whenever you can fit it in I suppose. Bedtime? Sure. Sometimes I use news stories as a good way to bring up talks. With Sandusky back in the news allegedly having written creepy letters to his victims, maybe that's a way to bring it up. Use this blog as an excuse.

And how do we stop this from happening to our kids? By having the awkward conversation.

I had an idea. I have 5 Awkward Talks that should be had with your kids,  the level of intensity depending on their ages of course. What if we do this together this summer?

Over the course of 5 weeks this summer, I'll post a blog about an awkward topic. Then within the week, find a time to have a discussion with your kids about it. And share feedback.

By awkward, I mean this. For some, it will be very hard to talk about the subject. For some it will be no big deal, but for the subjects coming, frequency and reminders are always good. These are things that just don't have an easy entry point in day to day conversations. 

Your kids may moan and look at you like this.

YOU may moan and look at them like this. But do it anyway.

So today we are going to talk about pedophiles. Or creepers, as our kids would say. The problem is, sometimes pedophiles don't always come across as creepy. But eventually, they will DO something creepy. Let's talk about it.

This last spring, I attended a workshop held by E.A.P.C. Empowering Adults, Protecting Children. The statistic the presentation starts with is this startling one:

1 in 4 girls and 1 in 9 boyswill be molested by the time they are 18.

90% of molesters are known and trusted by the families of their victims.

As an advocate for youth (I just declared myself that this year. Isn't it a fancy title?), I attended this just to be informed and to be able to see warning signs, because I'm tired of stories in the news like I mentioned.

Keeping Them Safe

E.A.P.C. sells a small book, Keeping Them Safe, describing warning signs and more at the link. You may want to pick up a copy.

Here are highlights: (all quotes are from Keeping Them Safe)

- Teach your children proper body part names, not just nicknames. Why? "Potential molesters know that the mere fact that children know the proper names of private body parts is an indication of the level of communication they maintain with their parents. This is a red flag to a potential molester. He or she is more likely to steer clear of a child with that level of communication freedom with parents or guardians."

- Just like we have safety rules for all other areas such as knives, scissors and ovens, have Touching Rules.  "No one is allowed to touch your private body parts (parts of the body covered by a bathing suit) except to keep you clean and healthy (as in a doctor). Very few people have permission to do this and only when your parents say it is okay". If ANYONE, even someone you know and trust, touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, scared or confused, you should: say no or words that mean no, get away as quickly as possible, tell another trusted adult what happened, even if the person tells you not to tell."

- Predators will approach your child with something they can relate to- a lost dog, candy, etc. Anything to pull them away from safety by choice. Tell your kids that whenever they are alone and someone asks for help, don't help them. It's okay to appear rude or mean sometimes. It's not okay to help a stranger. Go get an adult to help them.

-Have a family code word for emergencies. If children aren't with you when something uncomfortable happens to them, have them call or text and use the secret word or phrase that you've chosen. Then you will know they are in trouble.

-Molesters often give gifts to their victims.  This is so true. True in many of the news stories of serial molesters, gifts are almost always a part. Even with older teens or college aged boys- if an older adult is giving you lots of gifts for no reason, be suspicious.

-The yucky part is that molesters always have a "grooming period". This includes manipulation, deceit and bribery. This can leave the victim feeling confused. For example, a man may offer a young teen boy a beer, knowing that the boy will be less likely to tell his mom of any inappropriate acts, because then he'd get in trouble for having a beer too, which he knows is clearly wrong. They will always say not to tell, and threaten the child that no one will believe them if they do tell.

- Keeping Them Safe has a chapter on good babysitter rules and guidelines too. Baths or showers should not be given by babysitter without your prior permission.

Listen to your children if they say someone is creepy. Believe them.
Show up, introduce yourself, make yourself known around other adults. Predators say they are less likely to approach a child if the adult has made themself known.

I've also heard from friends who do speaking on this subject, that often faith based kids are targeted. The reason? They are less likely to talk about sex openly, therefore less likely to report it, or be comfortable talking to an adult about it. And they are also taught to be nice and respectful, so maybe they'll have a harder time stopping the perpetrator.

Be open, let them know you can talk about anything, be brief and don't make it a lecture.

SUMMARY- (mine, not E.A.P.C.)

1. If someone makes you feel creepy, stay away. Don't be alone with them. EVEN if this is an uncle or a  coach or teacher or stepmom.
2. No adult should want to touch you, or ask for a massage, or rub your shoulders if you are one on one. If you feel weird, it is. Someone you don't know well shouldn't even try to be alone with you.
3.  IT'S OKAY TO BE RUDE AND SAY "STOP IT, that makes me feel weird".
4. My personal thing is, I don't want teachers or coaches to have cell phone numbers of my girls. If they can only communicate through text messages, they can text me and I'll pass the info along.
5. If you think it's weird but aren't sure. IT IS. Listen to your gut. You're right.
6. The ones who do tell are the brave ones that help end harmfulness to kids.

If they say someone has been inappropriate to them?

According to Keeping Them Safe: "Don't panic or show shock, remain as calm as you can. Express your belief in them. Let them know it's not their fault and that telling was the right thing to do. Report to the authorities immediately. It is your job to listen and support the child, not to investigate the allegations. Tell your child what happens next, be honest. You are calling authorities and someone will be investigating."

It has to be stopped for the safety of all kids.

Also be aware that most schools have anonymous Help Lines that you can call anonymously to leave tips- whether you know of a student who has been harmed, or if you suspect a teacher is a predator.

No one likes to be the one who tells, but for the sake of everyone, we have to. It's the right thing to do.

Now, go have this conversation. Some time this week.

5 Things I Learned in Middle School- Guest Blog

It's no secret that middle school is a somewhat awkward transitional time for young teens.

Through the wonderful world of social media, I've met a blog friend, Michelle Icard, who specializes in assisting teens and parents through these tedious and somewhat treacherous middle school years. She's funny, down to earth and shares many of the same desires I do for helping teens navigate successfully through difficult years. We've tweeted and emailed and even chatted on the phone with each other! If you have a tween or young teen, you'll want to check out her fabulous website http://www.michelleinthemiddle.com/. She shares a guest post with us today.




5 Things I Learned in Middle School

Funny what memories poke out above the rest. In my 25+ years since middle school, here is a collection of random moments and lessons that are oddly prominent in my memory.

1) Change your rhythm as necessary.

The DJ at our middle school dances ended every dance by playing Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven. No one wanted to be left out of this last opportunity of the night, so even girls like me who went unasked for the duration of the evening remained hopeful that some boy, any boy, who had previously been too afraid to make a move, might ask her to dance. Many times it didn’t happen and I would spend those last eight minutes and two seconds of the night observing the Stairway to Heaven ritual with some measure of enjoyment. It was funny to watch the throngs of temporary couples struggle with that song as it moved from slow to medium pace, then hard rock, then super slow again. Even though we all knew the inevitable weird pacing was about to happen, no one knew what to do about it! Do you let go and rock out? Do you keep swaying with your arms wrapped around each other only faster? Do you morph into a weird group dance at the fast part, AGH, but then here comes the slow ending and you’re all left facing each other having to make eye contact. I could see the distinct look of fear on their faces as Jimmy Page took over.

Then it happened. A boy asked me to dance the final song of the night. And even though I had watched this scene unfold many times and chuckled inwardly at the absurdity of it all, I was totally unprepared for how to handle it myself. So I did the worst possible thing. I threw my arms around his neck, closed my eyes, and kept them closed for almost the entire song. Let me remind you, that’s a staggering eight minutes and two seconds of blind dancing. And did I change my pace? Of course not. I locked my body into upright rigor mortis and swayed slowly and blindly the entire time.

This is a true story but I think it works nicely as a metaphor for middle school in general. Everyone was afraid to change. And we were so busy watching each other’s trials, we hardly thought about making plans for our own success. If only we could have been more willing to adapt to our surroundings.

2) Absorb someone else’s pain.

One day in 8th grade, I walked with my friend Elissa past Mrs. Smith’s classroom to find her sitting at her desk crying. This is not something a student ever sees and we were caught off-guard. Elissa rushed to her side while I hung back at the door. The day was January 28th, 1986 and Mrs. Smith had just heard the news that the Space Shuttle Challenger had exploded only 73 seconds into its flight.

On board was Christa McAuliffe, a teacher from Concord, NH, and the first teacher NASA had invited into space. Mrs. Smith had made it all the way to be a finalist for NASA’s Teacher in Space Project but was not accepted to the Challenger’s crew.

I remember thinking, as Elissa hugged Mrs. Smith and offered to run for more Kleenex, that I was a little kid. I did not yet know how to absorb someone else’s pain but I think this moment was when I learned that I should.

3) No one is as perfect as they appear.

One day in 8th grade study hall, one of the prettiest, most popular girls in school ripped one. She turned fuschia, said “oops!”, covered her face, and laughed. Having been rejected by her and her friends, I was glad, SO GLAD, to witness what I was certain would be her downfall. You know what happened to her, right? As far as I could tell, nothing. Oh. My. God. Was I the only one who heard her heinous crime?

I could have learned something meaningful from this small but ear-shattering episode, like even the worst social blunders can be overcome with the right attitude, but instead I took away this: even pretty girls pass gas.

4) How to spell the word “separate”.

I was sitting in my 8th grade English class when Mr. NameIcantremember erupted into an aggressive, weird, and spastic attack against a poor student who had turned in a paper on John Knowles’ A Separate Peace with the key title word including three “e”s rather than two. It seemed to last forever and involved throwing the paperback across the room, tossing the student’s paper onto the floor, and a great deal of spittle being shot into space.

I don’t know if it was a late 80’s teacher thing, but I remember several outbursts from teachers who seemed to believe that displaying these acts of passion would inspire us to truly feel, to think, to learn! This one definitely had the biggest impact on me. I’m not sure it inspired me in a universal way, but I can promise you, I have never misspelled the word separate and I’m a little bit irritated at anyone who does.

5) Don’t believe the packaging.

“Whether you want to bring out your natural highlights or seek a sun-streaked look, Sun-In is the hair lightener for you. There’s no easier way to a lighter, brighter look than with Sun-In.”

Uh, no. Not if you are a brunette. Many girls I knew experimented with Sun-In in hopes of attaining a Christy Brinkley blond mane, but every one of us ended up orange.

Middle school was a time for trial and error, mostly error, and that provided lots of opportunities to relearn the same beauty lessons about working with what you have and not believing the marketing hype.

What middle school memories stick out for you?



Contributed by Michelle Icard, creator of the parent website www.MichelleintheMiddle.com and the programs Athena’s Path & Hero’s Pursuit, taught in schools and summer camps to help kids navigate the tricky new middle school social scene. “Like” her here: www.facebook.com/middleschoolrelief

Part 2- Being My Child's Advocate at School

In Laura's words - Part Two

(if you missed part one click HERE)

I became Matt's advocate in many ways, because of my own experiences as a child, and because of some specific situations that happened when he was in school.


With my husband’s help and insight, I’m glad that we did these particular things:




1. I tried not to judge his idiosyncrasies, but value his uniqueness. He sucked his thumb with his “boppie” (blanket) until he was 8. What child would do this “on purpose” to challenge his parents? In my world…not one. It was part of who he was. We just dealt with things a day at a time and refused to listen to criticisms. (Read part one to know why this was important to Laura!)


2. I stood up for him at school. In preschool, his teacher called a special emergency meeting with me. I could not pick up his report card until this meeting was done. The reason? Our son “couldn’t cut with scissors". What a huge problem. Was he a little slow to develop the teacher wondered? I explained to her that he had a baby sister and at that point in time, scissors were not allowed in our home for safety reasons. I didn't care for her approach, in suggesting what was "wrong" with him, instead of what was right with him.  Approaching life with a cup half full is much more creative and productive than half empty


3. I am glad I spent lots of time with my son, so I knew who he was. In first grade he was chosen to go to a remedial reading class. I strongly objected and had to fight the system. I was told he was “slow” and I retorted with that he was “reflective”.  After a few months I won that battle because they began to understand I knew my child.


4. I am glad that I didn’t let educational dogma rule what was best for my son. In middle school he proved to be a bright, creative, and well-behaved student.  After complaining to me about a class he could not learn in, I observed the class. It was completely unruly.  The administration had attempted to place him a group of “at risk” students, hoping his good behavior would rub off on them. They were willing to sacrifice his well being in order to raise the mark of other students whose parents were unwilling or unable to adequately parent. Rescuing their children was not my son’s job.


5. I am glad that we always talked about possibilities. He was encouraged to at least “give it a shot” when he had an idea. I did my best to discuss option A and option B to every problem or situation needing an answer. There is always an option with consequences attached. This type of conversation happens to this day. Life happens, and it’s nice to have an advocate to voice things to.


The result of all the sleepless nights his father and I endured? All the second guessing, questioning and agonizing over what the right answers were? 


Our son began to thrive a little in high school and a lot in college.


He changed majors with our support and continued to scrutinize his career path because he appreciated that we continued to “know him” and listen to him.


He now has a doctorate degree in Electrical Engineering, a Masters degree in Electrical Engineering and a Bachelors degree in Electrical Engineering and Physics. He coaches doctorate students to success at a university.


He is a scientist and does research in radiation for NASA. He is the president and founder of one of the first integrated circuit manufacturing companies based in the state of Arkansas.


He also owns a working farm and is restoring a 115 year old farm house. He is a husband, a father, and a loving, compassionate, creative, and problem-solving person. He has grown into a man of influence.


He is God’s child, but God did give him a mother and a father who fought for his rights, his dignity, and his gifts. We were and will continue to be his advocates.


Those battles were not always easy, but they were so worth it.


Every child needs and deserves an advocate.


One last note. If you were to strip our son of all his earthly accomplishments, you would find an imperfect, yet courageous and persevering man. And so many times he is afraid, but not of his parents.


God cannot steer a parked car, but He can do wonders with someone in motion.

Part 1- Being My Child's Advocate at School

Awhile back, my friend Laura shared her 5 Things story.  It's powerful because she came from an abusive childhood, into a strong healthy adulthood. Don't miss out on that story!


I asked her to share again. February and March  always remind me of school making decisions. There are so many choices of school- public, private, charter, homeschool. Everyone knows that if you're going to try to get in a private, special or charter school, deadlines loom about this time of year. Decisions to be made.

 Kids are all unique and may thrive in different environments. What's important is to know your child.


What does Laura have to share? I've heard her say that years ago, the schools tried to suggest to her that her son Matt might be slow or need some remedial help. She advocated for him throughout his school years and he now has multiple degrees and does scientific work for NASA. She knew him and she wouldn't let the schools misunderstand or label him.


In her words...


Part One- "How I Became My Child's Advocate"


"In my view, parents are given the ‘gift’ of a child. Their duty is to love them and be their protector and mentor.


One of my first memories from my own chaotic and abusive childhood was this…I was a thumb sucker. It drove my mother crazy, but I loved going to bed at night and sucking my thumb. By the time I was four years old, she had had all she could take.


One evening she dragged me into the kitchen and wrapped adhesive tape around my thumb, poured hot sauce all over the tape, and then sprinkled it heavily with chili powder. As my dad, older brother, aunt and uncle watched, my mother got right in my face and said, “Now suck that!” A loud cackle followed. She thought it was hilarious. No one tried to intervene for me.


I cried myself to sleep, hot mouth, upset stomach, but worst of all, feeling very, very afraid and lonely.

The good that came out of this event?


A future child advocate was born."


That story makes me sad. BUT, it is so true that an advocate for children was born. She has spent much time advocating for her own and many other children as well.


I'll leave you on that cliffhanger for now! Tomorrow she will share a few of the instances Matt had at school and how she handled them.


Come back tomorrow!!

Part One- Raising a Daughter with a Disability

Lucy. When I think of Lucy, I remember lots of giggly late nights in a tent.


Our lives only crossed paths for 3 months, but it was a fun three months! We shared humor in the midst of long hours of missions work, foreign cities and tent life.


Lucy and I both went to Oral Roberts University back in the 80’s and spent an entire summer together in Amsterdam, Holland. What’s amazing is that several of those weeks were spent in a giant tent with lots of other girls, in bunk beds. In a campground. We had to walk to the bathrooms and showers in the darkness of night many times. Such funny times we had. Lucy is one of those reasons I’m thankful for Facebook. After losing touch for the majority of adult life so far, we recently found each other and have rekindled an old friendship.
When this blog began, she mentioned being interested in writing a special blog just for moms who are raising kids with disabilities. I am thrilled and thankful that she offered to write about her specialty and her experiences. She’s a gem. So is her family. She and her husband Charles have- Lorrin (22), Anastasia (19) and Hartley (13).


Here is Part One of her story.

"Life is a Journey – Raising a Child with Disabilities"

Let me begin by tell you that I believe strongly that we all have a reason for being, that we are all on a journey, but at different points on a map. The most recent jaunt of my journey involved conquering many mountains and trudging through many valleys. It all began in March of 1998, when my daughter Hartley was born, a seemingly healthy baby girl. It all seemed so perfect with the newest addition to our family.


We approached the first mountain when Hartley was just two months old and she faced her first of many hospitalizations. The cute sounding purr of her delicate breathing turned into a rasping struggle to force air into her lungs. We took her to our pediatrician several times and her condition worsened. At her most critical point, he took the painstaking time to listen to her breathe for three hours trying desperately to find an answer. Exasperated, he felt she needed immediate medical attention and rushed her via neonatal ambulance to the nearest hospital 45 minutes away.


That was the longest ride of my life as I thought of the worst case scenarios running through my mind, like a slow motion movie. What if it’s a tumor? What if she won’t make it? Did I cause this? What have I done? What will I do? Will I be able to take care of her?


When we arrived at the hospital, we were met by a medical team asking numerous questions about my pregnancy, the delivery, and the first two months of Hartley’s life. They reviewed her records and ran more tests. They scheduled her for a bronchoscope the next day in hopes to find some answers. It was a relief to find out it was a simple diagnosis of bronchial and tracheal malaysia which was just a floppiness of her airway. Laser surgery was performed to tighten her floppy airway. I was in the hospital with her for eight long days, three of which were in ICU. “What a relief!” I thought.


On the eighth day, we were ready to leave after taking a required CPR course for infants and being trained on the apnea monitor to alert us of any other breathing difficulties she may have at home. We also had to wait for one more visit from the doctor before we headed home. When the doctor came by, she made a comment that her head appeared asymmetrical. I did not want to hear about one more thing that was wrong with my daughter. I dismissed it as the way her hair was growing. Though secretly, I had thought her head was large when she was born; but justified it with the idea that most babies have funny-shaped heads and they eventually “grow” into them. Once we were home, we breathed a sigh of relief thinking how close we came to losing our little love.


Then on a routine office visit at four months old, our pediatrician voiced a concern about the rapid growth of Hartley’s head. He always made a point to measure her head on our visits and he was able to show me what it looked like on a growth chart. I could then see his reason for concern. He referred us to a neurosurgeon and at five months old, she was diagnosed with congenital hydrocephalus and agenesis of the corpus callous, (or ACC as it is also called). The hydrocephalus could be treated, but the brain disorder was an unknown variable. The ACC means there is an absence of the millions of nerves that connect the two hemispheres of the brain that allow each side to communicate. Hartley has a split brain. There is no connection whatsoever. What would this mean for her? Would she be able to learn to speak? To walk?


This was a difficult time for the whole family. It was without a doubt a time in the valley. Many tears were shed and unanswerable questions asked. Surely there had to be someone to lead us through this difficult time and give us some answers and direction. Because of her medical issues and realizing that our daughter was not developing like other children her age, my husband called several agencies to find help. We found a group of professionals that gave us the help and support that we needed. They were so helpful! They gave us a wealth of information and set up a home visit where a nurse explained all their services. She also informed us about Early Intervention Services. It all sounded too good to be true. A Physical Therapist and an Early Interventionist began coming to our home one time a week to work with Hartley and we began to see how far behind she really was compared to her peers. I also came to the realization that my hopes and dreams for my daughter would have to change. I was now hoping that she would one day walk to me or be able to tell me that she loved me. I didn’t know what the future held for my precious daughter.


When she was eight months old, she began attending a Developmental Day School that was designed to use Early Intervention to help children with disabilities. I had no idea what this place was , although I drove by it every day on my way to work. We quickly began to see improvement in her development and within a year, we realized that Early Intervention seemed to be making a big difference in her young life. Although still lagging behind typically developing children her age, it appeared she was catching up. By 17 months, she was beginning to crawl, still about a year behind developmentally. Now at the age of establishing some basic vocabulary, she was only saying a few words. It was then that I realized her biggest delay was her speech and I began an active push for her to begin “signing” her words. Incredibly, she picked up in it very quickly and soon her number of “signed” words outnumbered her spoken words.


At 22 months, she began to walk. All areas in her development seemed to be progressing at an overwhelming rate. At 31 months, she was re-evaluated for her preschool screening. Amazingly, she did so well that she almost did not qualify for specialized services in preschool. Once again, I saw what a difference Early Intervention has made in her life.


As we prepared Hartley for entering preschool, most of her signing was dropped and her speech became clearer and took off at an astonishing rate. Within the first month of attending preschool in her first year, she dropped all of her signing and began total verbal communication. “Wow! Things are looking up!” I thought.


The first three years of Hartley’s life were difficult to say the least. Many challenges, much heartache, many tears, but God was there all the time. Sometimes He was walking with us; other times He carried us. Then, in 2007, just when I thought the worst was behind us and we were finally travelling light on a plateau, we encountered yet another obstacle: one huge mountain. She was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma Syndrome.


What did this mean? She doesn’t have the gene that protects her delicate skin from the sun, so she is constantly developing basal cell cancers all over her body. She has had more than 250 removed since her diagnosis. We use a topical medicine that is supposed to attack the cancerous cells and leave the good skin alone. Unfortunately, the basal cells are growing faster than we can keep up with the medicine. She has hundreds of them. We have to drive 3 hours from home to see a specialist for her treatment every 4-6 months. This isn’t a terminal disease, but one she will live with unless a cure is found.


She loves the outdoors, but can’t enjoy them now. She loves to go to the beach, but we have to go when the sun is going down. People tell me that I am a great mother and am dealing with all these adversities with grace and ease. What I really feel is such inadequacy. It’s Hartley who keeps me going.


Tomorrow we will pick up here and hear some specific thoughts of Lucy’s on what has brought her hope, as well as some thoughts and tips for moms who may be experiencing similar situations. Stay tuned.