Being Female in Today's World- Part 1

jadyn noelle photography

The subject of raising girls in today's world conjures up many thoughts, proven by MANY conversations I've either been a part of or have eavesdropped on in public. It's rarely a boring conversation!

I had lunch with some people at work the other day that I don't know. When the subject of raising daughters came up, one of the ladies said the funniest line, as she summarized her thoughts on raising her own daughter. She said, “When my daughter was 9, I said ‘I can’t do this’; when she was 11 I considered sending her to boarding school; and when she was 13, I considered going to boarding school!" That's a good summary of a fairly common thought!

Recently in preparation for my talk at a local church on the value of being female, I asked a question on my Facebook page "5 Things" to see what women had to say. I asked the question: One of the values or benefits of being female is _________:

Some answers you gave: 

• giving birth and giving life
• we are caretakers yet taken care of
• we are emotional creatures and life would be meaningless without emotion
• having such strong, raw emotions-sometimes it hinders, but mostly it helps me to experience life in the truest sense
• motherhood
• the innate ability to be compassionate
• nursing a child
• we are strong- stronger than we think

I add to that that we are creators, receivers, have power, are able to nurture, we have an intuition, an inner desire for relationship, we hold families together, and are able to go deep with the Lord.

Everywhere I go, I hear people say “OH NO” to raising girls in today’s world. Why? The reasons seem to be the dangers, it’s hard to control what they do in a culture so immoral, the pressures so strong and the role models so low. Raising girls is expected to be hard. But I say that’s the wrong point of view.

  

Let’s talk for a minute about how females are viewed in our society. First, there is so much gender confusion in today’s world. Knowing the value of why God created males and females has always been important, but it's becoming increasingly important. The strengths He gave each are important.

When I say “how females are viewed in society”, I’m talking about culture in general-  the culture we live in- the news, the media, the movies and books, the music, the culture in schools and on social media, etc. Not necessarily how you are living your life. How our culture portrays females slips in, no matter how protective we try to be, so it’s good to understand and think through these issues with our girls, as is age appropriate. I am generalizing in the broadest sense.

Think of baby girls- they are everything sweet, cuddly and princess-y. Girls are talkers and fun and frilly. As they grow into toddlers, we talk about how smart they are, what they are learning.

The elementary years are adventurous years, where they try new things and find new talents- maybe sports, leadership in school clubs, music, drama, art, being smart, enjoying life. Somewhere toward the older elementary years, the worrisome thoughts creep into girls' minds about looks, girl drama, mean girls and sometimes the confusing, yet fun subject of liking boys! Many adults look at these girls as though they are way too young to possibly be worrying about any of these subjects, but the young girls are definitely feeling the stresses early.  Thinking about looks, popularity, boys and how to deal with drama.

 As teen years hit, many in our culture have a view that teen years are going to be certain way. There is little we can do about the fact that girls become high maintenance, hard to get along with, sassy to parents and into things such as friend drama, dating, immorality, partying, etc.  We sometimes fall for this! But I disagree that it's a given. 

As adults, sometimes we are afraid of these years and are reactive instead of proactive.  We may assume the worst and expect things to be hard. We may put up with negative behavior in girls because “that’s the way girls are”. We put on our “YIKES” hat and think we can’t affect our girls in this stage. I believe that is so untrue!

People rise to the level of expectation. God never said the teen years have to be a terrible experience. They may have some difficulties and have rough periods, but we don't have to expect the worst and toss up our hands. If we consistently teach godly principles and have those as our standard, maybe some drama can be saved. We can concentrate on character at each stage and have that be our guideline. It certainly doesn't mean that the years will be a breeze, but we can prepare for them way ahead of time. Actually, the young years are the training ground for how teen years will be.

The biggest problems  in teen life become – who are my friends, do I have a boyfriend, and do I look good? The value of being female begins to show up as “how do I look, and am I desirable to guys?” instead of who they are inside, what they are gifted with.. what we see. Their view has often changed since childhood.

What’s interesting, in talking with many tweens, they feel tremendous pressure to grow up too fast. It’s easy to assume they want to, but when I've asked, almost 100% say they would rather remain young longer, and just enjoy being a kid. Who knew. 

As we grow older, the value that society largely puts on adult women is still in our looks, our youth and our sexiness. Like that’s the biggest aim we should have. That feeling gets transferred to our kids very young. The Girls 101 workshops we've done with girls as young as 5^th grade prove that they have thoughts of self loathing about their looks and their size already. Negative thoughts don't necessarily go away as we get older, we just mask it differently. Some women have gotten beyond it, and don’t see their value in looks. But the pressure of perfection and our looks is very prevalent. The Lord helps us through that as we mature. We can get beyond it.

Even the mean girl stuff- that doesn’t always go away with age either. Women are either our biggest hindrance, or our biggest support. There is nothing more powerful than a group of women who support each other.  Women who aren’t competitive is a beautiful thing. On the other hand, little is as destructive as mean women. 

As adults, there are varied expectations of women. Either we are expected to get a degree and make good money and compete with men, or we are to be the best stay-at-home-super-mom there is, making everything from organic sources while blogging about it. But we are to be busy and excel at whatever we do, regardless of what we choose. AND, we are to stay desirable no matter what happens; stay young, keep our body in shape after birthing several children, etc. Whew!

Older women- do you feel expected to be available, to help raise more kids (grandkids), to afford this, work here, volunteer there, be good moms and grandmas? Maybe it’s finally time to live your dreams, when in reality you are tired from making everyone else’s happen.

I don’t think all of these negative assumptions society makes about females, or that we put on ourselves, is how God intended us to be when He designed us. I don’t think He made us to be difficult and competitive. 

I think we misunderstand femininity and expect too little.

Maybe we are just misusing our strengths!

In Part 2, we will take a look at:

What should our focus be then? What are the strengths God gave us as women?

Stay tuned.

RA- Relational Aggression in Girls

Relational Aggression, or RA, is a fancy term for girls using relationships to mistreat each other- (silent treatment, exclusion, isolation, rumors, cliques, I won't be your friend if, etc).


Girls love to act, so role playing is a popular method of teaching. Even simple role playing at your house with your daughter is good prep work, to help her feel a little more ready to face things she (or he) may be facing at school.


In Girls 101 workshops, we role play using the MEAN GIRL, the TARGET, and the BYSTANDERS. We also talk about the feelings of each, motives of each and OPTIONS for girls to use if they find themselves in any of those roles.


I like to challenge girls to be SHE-ROS and to come to the defense of themselves AND others when they see people being mean. The world needs more She-ros who are brave enough to stand up for something!

Here are some tactics that your daughter can use:

TARGETS- (the one targeted by mean girl)

No matter how much you have to fake, respond in confidence. You are less likely to get picked on if you appear confident. Even if you have to go around the corner and break down when she's gone.

Look her in the eye. If you're too scared for that, look at her nose or the top of her head. It'll look like you're looking her in the eye.

It's okay to remove yourself from the situation. A simple confident "that's not true" or "stop it" followed by leaving is fine.

Use humor to diffuse the situation, if you can.


BYSTANDERS- (the ones who are around and observing, whether you're involved or not)

All girls will be bystanders at some point, and they actually have a lot of power. Typically, bystanders are afraid to say anything to stop the meanness, because they know they could then become the target of meanness too. But better to be brave and be a she-ro.

I teach having EMPATHY for the Target . Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want someone to help you? Then be brave and do something about it. Easier said than done, right? Well there are a few ways you can do something, even if you're not feeling super brave. Here are a few ideas:

Simply say something to the MG. "Hey lay off" or "Hey that's not true" or "What are you doing? Leave her alone".

Body language- just go stand by the target. They won't feel alone and now MG is looking at two people instead of one.

Go up to target and say "Hey let's go to class" and walk off with them- just help them get out of the situation.

All you bystanders band together and just walk off, taking the target with you, leaving Mean Girl by herself.


If it's a really bad situation, or ongoing, tell an adult.

2 Things Girls Fight Over the Most

So after years of listening to girl drama, I can tell you two things girls fight over the most. (You probably already know this, no big surprises).

Boys.

And BFF's.


Who likes who..

and who's hanging out with who.

I like him, oh my gosh, no I like him! She's looking at my boyfriend, I hope she knows she better stay away from him, he's mine...or...Why are you so obsessed with boys? Come one, let's go ride bikes. I'm gonna go home if you don't get off the phone with him.

I don't want to go out of town Friday mom! Jackie asked me to hang out with her and I really want to! If I can't then she might not ask me again, or she'll hang out with someone else instead. If you make me go I won't get into this group! Or....Ohhhh, I guess I'm sad because Sophie started hanging out with the new girl in our class. They keep ignoring me, it's like I don't exist anymore.

We girls love to be loved, don't we? We all have a tendency to want to be the queen. It seems everyone is peddling and jockeying for the best position, where they will then feel secure. Girls will fight for the position of "girlfriend" or "best friend". If anyone dares threaten her position, the gloves may come off.

Almost every fight comes back to a girl feeling like someone is threatening her position.

She wants to be Todd's girlfriend. So she "claims him" and tells everyone she likes him. Now no one else is "allowed" to talk to him or look at him because he's "hers". She gets mad at girls who may also be after him, and she may even get mad at girls who simply answer his question or hand him a pencil. She's declared her "position", his girlfriend, whether it's true yet or not. And don't mess with it! Or else.

Having a best friend is vastly important to some girls. If a third person comes along and threatens a girl's position as "best friend", all hell can break loose. Devastation may ensue. Girls may do all sorts of things to someone who appears threatening to her.

One thing I try to get across to girls is that first, none of us own each other. Just because you like a boy doesn't mean that you own him or you can control who he has a conversation with.

Secondly, friends are gifts, they aren't possessions. There is even room enough for three (or more) to be friends! There's enough friendship and love in the world for everyone to survive if one more person is added to the mix. No one owns you and no one should be able to make you do certain things or hang out with certain people. Conversely, you don't own a friend and can't control who they like and do things with. You may or may not be included every single time in others' plans.

These are big thoughts for middle schoolers, but they can "get it". Not everyone will play along, and some will always choose competition and drama, but explain these truths to those who listen to you, and it will help those who have the ears to hear.

Be flexible. Give space. Give grace.

Don't Re-Live Your Own Drama, Mama

Middle school.

What do those words conjure up in your mind? Fun and popularity? Misfit and misfortune? Alone and invisible?

It's really quite interesting how well many adults still remember the dramas of their own teen experience.

When moms have daughters experiencing friend problems, especially girl drama, it can muster up some surprising emotions in moms still, who have not quite forgotten what they themselves experienced years ago.  Perhaps that's why a handful of adults dread having children of this age to guide- they don't feel like they were guided through, and really don't know how to navigate these years again, this time as the adult.

One word of caution- be careful not to project your old feelings and fears onto your child's experience.

If you find yourself riled up about something your daughter is going through, step back and ask yourself, "What am I really worked up about? Is it her situation, or is there something more?"

Are you re-living the old feelings you felt as a teen? Those feelings may be completely misplaced on your daughter's current situation.

Don't react quickly.

Step back.

Breathe.

Listen.

Be open minded.

Don't assume how she's feeling. Ask a question or two, but not too many.

Resist the urge to step in right away.  Help her think through how to navigate things herself.

Remember there is another side of the story. Help her try to see it from other angles.

Most problems blow over and solve themselves, so give it time.

If it's a problem that is bigger than one that would just normally blow over, let her know you're in it with her and will help her figure out how she can handle it.

Be her support and listening ear and place of acceptance.

Pray with her.

Encourage her to still act with character even when others may not.


Mom Activity just for yourself:

If you're a journaler, journal out (or at least think through) answers to these questions.

What are bad memories of girl drama that you experienced that still come to mind?

Do you have unresolved feelings about that?

Is there anything in particular you fear about your kids going through teen years?

Getting in touch with your own thoughts is one step to help you navigate through these years as a parent.

Are You Feeling Middle School Drama, Mama?

I am a parent survivor of middle school 3 times over. WHEW!

Here are some things I've learned.

No one is perfect.

Not even my sweet infallible children (or yours).

Girls interpret every move, nuance and breath as directed at them during this critical stage (whether it's meant toward them or not).

Some girls thrive on drama and will always cause it or gravitate toward it (for whatever reason). (Well, many girls would rather connect with conflict than have no connection at all.)

The majority of girls are terrified of discussing conflict with a friend (for fear of losing the friend).

The meanest usually have the worst behind the scenes problems (still doesn't make being mean okay, just a bit more understandable).

Listening to your daughter describe the friend drama, then leaning toward and teaching empathy first and as a way of life, is in my opinion the best first step. (Well maybe she had a hard day at home, or maybe she didn't mean it that way, but it still doesn't make how she treated you okay. Stay clear of her for awhile, or speak up for yourself respectfully. Empathy + removing yourself OR speaking up for yourself).

Your daughter (and mine) are most likely not telling you the entire story....(and just may be leaving out inconvenient self-incriminating details).

Few moms believe their daughters capable of some things (and many are surprised when they find out they are). So make sure and ask about their own role in the drama.

All the girls are navigating their way through some of the toughest years for girls. 

Moms get emotional about it and don't know what to do.

You're not alone. We all want to figure out this out.

Hence, this series! 

More to come. 

Some Helps for Friendship Drama

If you have a girl (or are one), there are friendship worries and woes going on at any given moment.

We can learn how to get better at handling them.

The next few blogs will be on this topic.

For starters, if you're looking for a book you or your daughter can read, there are some out there that I recommend.

Here are a few resources I have used that I find pretty helpful.

For elementary through possibly middle school- Christian Girls Guide to Friendship

For elementary, ideally 3rd-5th grade, American Girl has Friends- Making Them and Keeping Them

For middle school, American Girl has A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles.

For some of the more serious, intense, true mean girl stuff for older girls, from a Scripture based approach, I'd recommend Mean Girls- Facing Your Beauty Turned Beast by Hayley DiMarco.

For middle and high school, a newly found resource that seems to look great so far is Coping With Cliques by Susan Sprague.

Now, as I recommend other sources to you happily, while I'm writing my own, please support these great authors now, then support me when I finally have my own in print! (smile).

I tried to recommend a variety of types of books, as we have a varied reading audience. Check these out and find one that fits you.

Know that you will get alot of good advice and insight from each, but you may or may not agree with every answer given. Each of our girls situations are unique and each of us have strong opinions about relationship issues, especially involving our girls.

So use these as a guide, not as a rule book.

More to come!!

D.A.D.D.s - Dads Against Daughters Dating

Our last post "Dating Amongst Tweens" tackled the subject of how, when and if dating should begin among our kids. Often there is some version of "dating" beginning in late elementary or early middle school (known as the tween years), so it's never too early to start figuring out your philosphy!

Your opinion will be needed sooner than you'd think.

Girls want to feel loved. Every girl wants to know that she is desirable. That may be a main motive for girls wanting to date.

A girl may find herself suddenly in a situation she didn't plan on. Say a middle school girl is innocently strolling around the school hallways, unawares. Before she heads into 5th hour, a boy delivers the message that his friend, who happens to be the guy that all the girls admire, likes her and wants to know if she likes him back. Flustered, and now flattered, this girl has felt the thrill and excitement of being wanted, picked out of a crowd, desired.

That can be an emotion that is heady and takes over reason. My husband has said this to our girls in the past...."There will come a day a guy will like you. It will feel amazing. But here's the clue, you don't have to do anything about it."

I think this is smart because if the above scenario happens, the girl feels giddy and ecstatic, then has to make a decision. What do I answer? Then comes the question, will I be his girlfriend? If she's thought about it prior and isn't caught off guard, she may realize "Wow, it really does feel great...and I think I'll just enjoy it feeling great. I don't think I'm ready to do anything about it." (Or she may yell YES, but we can hope).

The reality though? If all the girls are in love with him, the relationship probably won't last long and he'll  just add you to a list of girls conquered.

On the flip side, some girls now are putting undue pressure on boys at an early age. When they are "dating", suddenly the girl is shooting the evil eye at other girls who simply look in his direction. He's not allowed to have friends that are girls. One girl said "Girls often mistake having a conversation with flirting." Do we really own other people like that? Where they aren't allowed to talk to other people?

I asked several dads for their opinions on tween dating (ages 11-12 ish).
I asked about dating during tween and early teen years.  What I got was largely anti-dating answers, regardless of what stage of teen years we are referring to. (I'm happy to post a dad's opinion who is pro dating, I just haven't been able to find one!) None of these people who gave opinions are against dating entirely, they are just wary of dating before marrying is actually an option. And apparently, they know boys better than we moms do, having been one before.

Here are their thoughts:

"As a teacher and a dad of three girls, I'm totally against dating in the forms that I have seen. I don't want my daughters wrapped up into one person either emotionally or physically. They can go on dates to dances and such. Dating seems to awaken things in kids both male and female long before it is time. Definitely okay with dating in college and maybe late high school, depending on my daughter and the guy. What I tell my high school students is all kids are stupid when it comes to dating in high school so don't date." (I wish you could know this dad to "hear" him saying that last line. He is so fun and loved by teens, and connects with them instantly. Besides being a public school teacher, he has spent years in youth ministry, so he sees alot.)

"Girls basically want to feel loved and guys want to feel respected/have their ego filled. Guys probably love the hunt to make a girl like him more than the actual girl herself. It's more competition and a hunt, enjoying the power to make someone like you, more than the actual person. The girl is thinking it's all romantic and personal, and is doodling her first name with his last, and he's just happy to have someone cool to hang out with at the football game Friday night."

"I am not particularly open to my 13 year old daughters dating. It is no commentary on their maturity. However, I don't see the point or value of such relationships when they must be prohibited from running their course. Since this is the case, I can see no good excuse for them to subject themselves to the anguish of love lost, etc. Nor the pressure to behave in ways they ought not."

"Dating too early is almost guaranteed disappointment. You'll most likely end up taking hits on self esteem, and become an unintended victim."

One dad says he remembers being in 6th grade. His entire goal was to touch a boobie. It didn't matter whose boobie, anyone's would do. His girlfriend I guess would be the first one who allowed him to touch her boobie? That's deep. Haha. But honest.

"If a guy gets dumped, he probably doesn't care nearly as much as the girl would if she got dumped. His ego is probably hurt more than his heart."

"Girls look for relationship, boys look for opportunity. That's why guys can move on so easily. If a girl doesn't want to do something, he'll move on to the next one who will give him an opportunity."

(This last one is deep if you think about it. Girls should perhaps not feel quite so flattered in those times that boys are just seeking anyone willing. What happens is sometimes girls give in to things because they think they have to to keep the boy. That may be true- if it is, is that the kind of relationship you want? He's not after you, just what you can give him? The only fix for that is girls having high enough value and identity to not give into this. Hopefully parents of guys are teaching them that girls aren't just to meet their needs, but valued as people. And vice versa. Dating is best after kids have grown up enough to understand the value of other people.)

"Relationships in teen years usually cost more than they are worth. The risk outweights the benefit. There may be some value, but usually there's little value."

"From experience, boys are generally too immature to come close to meeting a girls' expectations. It's difficult at 42, I'm just figuring it out. Guaranteed a 14 year old guy doesn't know what he's doing. Girls tend to be surprised when disappointment happens, or when a guy is disappointing, but it shouldn't be surprising."

"If you can make it through high school without a boyfriend or girlfriend, I truly believe you'll be a healthier, more whole person".

This conversation happened referring to older teens and college aged dating, but they said, "Ya gotta date through the chemical phase. Aren't there love chemicals that get released that make us all lovey dovey and crazy? Definitely gotta date long enough for the love drug to wear off. Then see."


Here's what's helpful about the dad opinion. They are typically not emotionally involved in decisions, as we moms can be. They are protectors and logical. So often they can see things more clearly than we can, because they don't wrap themselves up in the process, but just call it like they see it. We do have to work together at times and he may need to hear some of our side to understand other things, but for the most part, when it comes to this subject of dating, even if you don't always agree, I say it's pretty good to have a husband with an opinion. He's usually right.

Putting all this thought and care into our dating opinion doesn't mean our kids will always listen to us, or that they'll do everything right. But both parent's perspectives are needed, and care and concern should go into how we approach this subject early on.

Actual Quotes from Guys- Part 4

Earlier this month we shared actual quotes from teen guys as they answered the question "What are 5 things that girls do that's annoying?"

If you missed out, a high school senior shared his thoughts right HERE. Two middle schoolers share their opinion HERE, and two more high school guys give insight HERE.


This week I met some friends for dinner at Olive Garden. As we were leaving, we exited at the same time as a large group of teens. My friend overheard a couple of the guys saying how they just wanted to get away from one of the girls- she's too much, tries too hard, always trying to get in our pants (sorry, just keeping it real to tone of story). How I wish I'd heard this myself- I would have been tempted to pull the boys over for an interview! Their comments seemed to come from irritation and mild frustration, not meanspiritedness. Interesting.

I'm coming back to this subject of what guys think for a particular reason. Well maybe more than one reason. 1) It's interesting 2) Their answers continue to surprise me and raise hope 3) we can tell girls this and that, but maybe for some, it will help hearing it from guys themselves 4) our girls are so programmed and coddled by media daily, that many are morphing into what they "perceive" girls should be (and assumedly what guys want), only to find that in fact that is not what many guys admire in a girl!

 It appears that many guys admire character, which is a great message for our girls.

So far, it seems that perhaps many guys have been wrongly stereotyped into a false role, of being only out for one thing. Or only wanting one type of girl. I wonder how much they feel pressure to be that sort of guy, even if that's not who they really are. Obviously, some guys probably are out for one thing, but what an unfair stereotype if many do not fall in that category!

One thing I know, when asking this question to boys, of different ages, in different schools, from different states, without the guys even knowing other guys are being asked,  the answers are largely similar. That's why I wish I could have cornered Olive Garden guy, pulled out pen and paper and had a conversation. This is another random guy, (who didn't even know there was a question), saying the same sorts of things! A common thread unfolds...

Today we have some input from high schoolers in Iowa, answering the question "What are things that girls do that are annoying?"


1. When a girl (or anyone for that matter) is conceited or brags, for the sake of envy from their peers.
2. When girls are loud and obnoxious to get attention.
3. How a girl is willing to step out of her own shoes for the sake of popularity or approval. (to clarify, he said that this is when a girl will change who she truly is, in order to be accepted or popular).
4. Girls that won't listen to advice from friends, family or other trusted people.
5. When girls will flaunt or show everything they can, just for a few extra gazes her way.

A few bonuses from other guys-

1. Taking millions of pictures of themselves

2. Putting themselves down to fish for compliments

3. Using useless acronyms

A girl wanted to throw in a response too so this comes from her-

4. When girls flirt with guys when they know they are unavailable

5. When they know they are pretty but they say they are ugly just so they can hear someone tell them they're not

In no way am I slamming girls by writing this series- obviously, I spend all my efforts in support of girls! But I think guys have good things to say, and it seems many are happy to vent the frustrations.

It's worth hearing.

2 High School Guys Tell Their 5 Things

I asked random teen guys that I knew to answer the question "What are 5 things that girls do that are annoying?"

They were eager to answer and gladly shared some insights.  What I find so fascinating is that of all the guys I asked, no one knew who else was asked or what anyone else answered (or even asked) yet the observations are all strikingly similar! Different schools, areas and ages, yet much the same.

Already this week TWO 8TH GRADERS shared their top things, and a HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR shared his best observations. Click on those links to see their lists if you missed out!

Last day (for now) of actual quotes come from a freshman guy and a junior in high school.


A Freshman:

1.when Girls talk bad about other Girls.

2. When girls honestly think that they look better with make up on.

3. When girls talk about their bodies.

4. When girls act like they are better than other guys or girls.

5. When girls don't appreciate who they are, or look down on themselves and try to get a guys sympathy for them.

A Junior:

1. Act dumb to be cool with boys and to get attention from boys. (He and a buddy were just talking about this…and how it’s a huge turn off. “Being smart does not intimidate us”, he says.  “Don’t be afraid to be smart…we like it.”)

2. Fishing for a compliment because of insecurity.  A girl saying “I’m not beautiful”  just so the boys feel they have to tell the girl she is. 

3. Girls that flirt with every guy, regardless.

4. Turning on their friends…best friends today and not friends next week.  Being nice to a girl’s face, then talking bad behind her back.  Throwing another girl “under the bus” to advance themselves in popularity.

5. Drama. Overinflating problems and making things out to be worse than they are. 

He said these next 2 bug him, but he doesn’t think they’ll ever change so he deals. 

1. Being emotional/moody.
2. Talking about feelings all the time.

(His mom and I chuckled over this one. Get used to it hahahahhaha!)

He also says the girl he is dating doesn’t do the top list of 5…and that’s why he likes being with her.

Our big bonus this week is from a young guy who heard this conversation and wanted to throw his two cents in! His answer?  "They’re kind of jerks to us!   Well, most of them are." 

So why did we ask this question? Girls have so many voices coming at them with how they are supposed "to be", tv shows, media, magazines, movies, etc. There are hopefully a few other voices telling them the truth- that what is portrayed in our culture is not necessarily the best way for girls to actually be!

And interestingly enough, how girls are portrayed and therefore feel pressured to become, is not even what guys find attractive in real life. And it's sure good to hear that! Girls need to know this.

Having had no idea what these guys would say when asked this question, I'm so happy to hear that guys care about how girls act, they don't have to see lots of makeup and skimpy clothes to be interested and that they like smart girls, contrary to popular belief....among many other noteworthy observations.

I'm struggling with the girls "fishing for compliments" line a couple of guys said. Uncomfortable with the idea that perhaps it's not uncommon for girls to do this.  It's a little embarrassing girls because the boys know what you're doing and are uncomfortable with it. It puts them in an awkward position of either leaving you hanging in insecurity, or giving a forced compliment (whether they mean it or not). Is that the desired goal? Surely not.

I'm also pondering a teenage girls observation this week- she thinks girls her age are more concerned about what other girls think about their appearance than what boys think.

That's a loaded thought. What do you all think?

More Guy Quotes! Two Middle Schoolers "Take" on Things

Yesterday produced one of the highest read blogs I've posted.

A high school senior guy shared some of his insight into what he's observed about girls. Check it out HERE if you missed it! It was wildly read- this must be an interesting topic!

I've asked a variety of guys, ages, from various schools to share (anonymously) their answer to "What are 5 annoying things that girls do?"



None of the boys knew each others answers, or even who I asked, yet the answers are SO similar.

Today, two anonymous 8th grade guys share their observations of the females at school.

1. Drama/backstabbing
2. Being Forward and flirty
3.Acting Loud and obnoxious
4.Pretending to be dumb and think that it's cute
5.Wearing lots of make-up and thinking you can't be seen without it. Keep it simple.

Another observant guy:

1. Act like they own the world.
2. Too dramatic.
3. Gossip about their best friends.
4. Talk too much.
5. Overly persistent…keep bugging you when they want something (i.e. pencil)

Can I just pause and say that all three boys so far have mentioned NOT liking how girls treat each other?! More of that to come, but I think it says a lot. Friendships are relationships, and what we practice in friendships shows some of our relationships skills (or lack of). Guys are watching this!

Also, this description of girls sounds like how girls are represented in much of the media today. Girls feel so pressured into roles like this, that unless someone tells them otherwise, they'll think that this is what teenage girls are supposed to be like! Uppity, dramatic, backstabbing, not smart, gossipy, made up flirty girls! (sounds like a few of the popular tv shows currently).

Guess what? Real guys don't like it.

Hhhhhmmmmmm...........

Tomorrow- a couple of more high school guys share.

Quotes from Actual Teenage Boys- What Do They Think?

Not having any boys myself, I rarely get to hear the boys side of things first hand. When I get the chance, I love to ask about life from their view.

Mostly I listen to moms of boys and ask questions about how things roll on the other side of raising teens.

Knowing that I blog about life issues of raising girls, many times moms of boys come to me with topics from the boy angle. I love it...the point of view of what moms of boys wish girls knew.



I asked several moms of boys, in and out of state, to ask their middle school and high school boys to name the "5 Things That Girls Do That Are Annoying". Many boys said, "Just 5?" Hahaha.

Parents know we tell girls some things over and over and they may or may not "get it".

Who better to listen to than the guys themselves? The ones that girls would love to impress?

The guys that answered this question for me are great guys, and ones that girls would WANT to impress, and VERY anonymous. I cannot reveal my sources :)  But girls, you might want to listen up!

First brave guy, a high school senior:

1.Drama ( can I put that twice). Girls say they don't like drama, but they still take part in it.


2.They care about looks too much. It doesn't matter as much as they think it does.

3.Girls that are overly boy crazy. They start giggling and whispering. Guess what, guys know what you're doing and it's annoying!

4.Girls don't need to dress in provocative clothes to get our attention.

5.Stop acting like you're not smart. It's not attractive!


Oooooooooo!!!! Interesting.....! More to come each day this week! (I love number 5).

I wish that I could reveal the identities with the blog posts this week, and girls could see what quality guys are saying these words. They would be clamoring to line up with this advice, but I will restrain. I want willing participants to remain anonymous!

Special thanks to my first anonymous guy for sharing.

Addendum: see our two follow up posts from more guys right HERE and HERE.

Helping Your Daughter Choose Good Friends

Just in case you hadn't heard already, last week was our first Community Workshop for girls, aka Girls 101

What a fun time we had. Many more opportunities to come, Girls 101 is just getting started!

(yes my name tag is on my skin, it wouldn't stick to my clothes)

Day one of Friendship Camp was approached by 15 fourth and fifth grade girls (most of whom didn't know each other) with the hope of fun, the slight awkwardness of not knowing people, and with a little relief that there was something to do INSIDE during the deluge of rain we received over Spring Break.

Our very brave very first volunteer got to get COVERED UP. Because there was a room full of girls that don't know each other, we wrote down thoughts that we think but don't say out loud....judgements or opinions we make at times without truly knowing someone. Ex. I don't need any more friends, I'm too shy to say anything, you look like you already know people, I think I'm cooler than you, you go to that other rival school, you look funny, etc etc. Some of the feelings are valid and we learn to work past them, but many are unfair judgments against people that blind us from new friends and opportunities!

The girls had to decide which thoughts to leave at the door! Well mission accomplished, because by lunch girls who had just met were laughing and talking it up!

As the girls spent time getting to know one another, a lengthy discussion was based around what qualities we enjoy in friends, as well as what types of things cause friction in friendships.

An object lesson involved writing down the positive and negative traits on individual circles and gluing them on a silhouette of a person. The good traits went inside, and the negative traits went outside. 

We discussed how everyone makes mistakes (and will at times do things on the outer parts!) so friends have to be open to talking through and forgiving each other. But also, if we are hanging out with a friend that does mostly negative all of the time, that sometimes we have to rethink if that is a good friendship.  Are we constantly disappointed or in conflict with a friend, or is it just occasional? Can you usually work it out together or does it just get worse?

Then the biggest question is, where do we ourselves fit? Am I mostly exhibiting the good character traits? Do I try and make the negative traits minimal? And then, where do my friends fit?

We are not judging people, but learning how to choose good relationships based on what makes healthy friendships.  All make mistakes and we must learn to discuss and forgive.

But we do have a choice of who to spend large amounts of time with and who to invest our lives in.

Who we hang out with determines much of who we become!

Discussion Starter:

Draw a big circle. What's important to you in a friendship? Think about your favorite friends. Name 5 reasons why they make a good friend and write those inside of the circle.

Now try and name 5 things that girls do that make friendships difficult- traits that girls have that make you not want to be friends with them.  Write those 5 negative traits outside of the circle.

As you look at your picture, where do you fit most of the time? Where do your friends fit most of the time?

Do you understand that everyone makes mistakes, but hopefully the majority of our behavior is positive.

Take a Peek Inside Friendship Camp!

Welcome to Friendship Camp! Come on inside!

Take a look at this adorable venue we spent 3 days in. I highly recommend it! 

The Blue Cottage in Jenks.

I am way too tired from 3 days of fun to blog much about it tonight, but I couldn't wait to get a few pictures up of these fabulous girls. Six schools from our area are represented here! 

We had a great time learning about how to be a better friend,  how to handle conflict in friendships, 

and how to deal with Mean Girl drama!

I'll be posting some of those tidbits over the next few days.

Thanks to my wonderful assistant, my daughter! :)

I couldn't have done it without her!

Is Girl Drama Inevitable??

As the preparations continue for an upcoming community workshop on girl friendships, I'm breezing through the book "Girl Wars" again by Cheryl Dellasega. So here's a few lines from what I'm reading this morning!


5 Random sentences that are interesting:

1. "Today's young women are subtly influenced to interact in ways that reduce rather than enhance their underlying power to connect with one another."

(the thing is, girls are actually designed to be good connectors. but in many atmospheres though they are "taught" to be competitive instead. the opposite.)


2. "Bombarded with messages about their physical appearance at an early age, they are expected to dress provocatively while maintaining straight "A" averages and excelling at sports."

(have heard it said this way too- expected to dress sexy but not act out on it, expected to get good grades, but have shallow interests, etc etc)


3. "They are labeled as mean "Queen Bees" but given no alternatives for more positive behaviors."

(if girls are not learning good behaviors from someone close, they will most likely be mimicking what is portrayed in media, which is not very positive. good behavior is not hard for those who see it lived out in family and close friends, and who learn from early age to respect other people. sometimes bad behavior isn't intentional, but when girls are caused to stop, think about and discuss things, they see the difference and can choose good over bad. they can relearn).


4. "Role models for today's teens are not powerful women who have succeeded because of their persistence and kindness to others, but rather superstar singers acting like sexy schoolgirls".

(enough said).

5. "No wonder young women find themselves in a state of extreme confusion, unsure of how to relate to either themselves or others".

(agree. very confusing to girls. be sexy, don't have sex. be young, be old. be smart, play dumb. be skinny, be happy with yourself. be nice, stand up for yourself.)


(continued excerpt): "The good news is that all across the country, mothers, girls and others are finding ways to help adolescents feel more secure about their own abilities and safe in their relationships with others. Slowly, their efforts are changing the "girl poisoning culture". There are groups around the country meeting with girls, teaching character and life skills. The number is still too small, but growing! It makes a world of difference to just meet and have a place that girls can talk through issues in life that are confusing. That's one of the things we'll be doing at this community workshop. Talking about healthy relationships, and how to deal with what is sometimes "accepted" as normal girl behavior (meanness), but shouldn't be.

Which leads me to the final quote from Girl Wars:

"We believe girls are NOT inherently cruel, and that although behaviors such as jealousy, gossiping, and joining cliques may be normal in terms of what we expect, they are not what we have to accept."

She says that after all her work and research, she believes "not only can girls be kind, they feel better about themselves when they are".

Gone are the Days of "May I speak to ___ please?"

Tweet. Add. Follow. Creep. Stalk. Comment. Like. Send. Rate.

Communication.  It's changed. Right?

From the old days of a giant phone strapped to the wall with a spirally cord.  We had to actually stay in one place (in the house none the less) to talk. There was ONE NUMBER for the entire family. "Special- amazing- LUCKY kids may have a second phone line installed in the house for them. (gasp!)

AND we had to answer the phone with manners when it rang. "Yes, just a moment please." And when we called friends. "May I speak to so and so? This is ___".

Then came cell phones, then texting, then MySpace (thank God that's pretty much out), then Facebook, then Twitter and Tumblr. And on and on.

Echoing in my head are the voices of SO MANY high school and college aged girls  (and some moms of girls who have heard the same) who have lamented about boys who don't seem to know how to talk face to face. Like they are hiding behind technology. Too afraid to approach them in person. So instead the guys send a Facebook message as an icebreaker. Or ask girls out by text. Let me add that this is in 1,2,3,4,5 different states I'm talking about. One state didn't seem to have the problem. I can't share which, without ratting out the source, so you'll have to wonder.

The girls are not impressed.  I would sooooo love to hear the guy's side of this!! (Moms of boys, please comment!!)

On another note: Friendships among girls are affected by these new forms of communication too! At a recent girls meeting, this was the topic of our conversation. 

I want to highlight just a few things discussed among these girls. These might be great conversation starters for you and your teen!

1.  I didn't have to come up with examples, because girls read me hilarious conversations straight off of their phones of all kinds of misunderstandings via text. 

Texts don't allow any kind of normal communication skills to take place. In person, we hear the voice of the person, hear mood and expression, word inflections, which words are emphasized, see their facial expressions, hear the tone of their voice.

Texting can be so misunderstood. Ex. I didn't say you're stupid.  I DIDN't say you're stupid.  I didn't SAY you're stupid. I didn't say YOU'RE stupid. I didn's say you're STUPID. .

One sentence could be interpreted 5 different ways on a text.

Before you jump to conclusions, pick up the phone and call the person at least. Have a conversation.

2.  Therefore the girls decided it's best not to have important conversations, or fights, over text because it's too complicated with all the possible misunderstandings.

3.  All the girls had experienced this- Disappointment when they get together with a friend and that friend spends the entire time on her phone, or on facebook, or texting other people.

So much rudeness! We need to have some phone ettiquette in place.

The actions of that friend communicated, even though she didn't actually SAY words.  How?

I asked the girls what that communicates to them. The answer? "That they would rather be with that other person than me. That I'm boring them. They don't want to be with me."

Please have a conversation with your child about this. So many do this. Manners.

4.  Girls reported being kinda paranoid about texts received because they couldn't tell the tone of the text, simply because of lack of (or too much) punctuation.


Example-  I text someone. They send back "Hey!!" (they are excited to hear from me). What if they text back "hey". No punctuation. If two or three texts come across like that, I may start to wonder "are they mad at me? what's wrong??"  Silly, but real.

5.  Here's a bad one. Almost everyone had seen (or done) this- people texting someone ACTING like they were someone else. Boy, if that isn't a way to get in trouble.

But it's true, when you receive a text, there is no absolute guarantee that that text is from the person you think it is. Because you can't see them.

Because all of these girls knew of that situation happening, the odds are it happens alot. I've seen girls do this so I know it's common.

Gotta be careful.

I text. Daily. I'm not against texting!

But we have to see that all these new forms of communication require with it some guidance along the way.

Do you agree??!

MORE TO COME tomorrow on this topic. Stay tuned!!

Pt. 5- Bring on the Mom!

It's possible to be mean without thinking you're mean.  Your daughter may tell you she's not mean and that everyone else is, while in fact she's being mean.  She may hide her behavior from you entirely, but act out when you're not looking. It takes a brave and humble mom to admit and deal with this, and an even braver and more humble mom to write a blog about it.  I'd like to introduce you to one today! Meet my friend, Heidi, Britni's mom. 

Heidi and I have been fab friends since we were 18 and have lived much life together, full of fun (and our own drama).  We've laughed so hard we've broken belts and been kicked out of collegiate classes, and I'd like to think we invented the Mac. Or at least photobooth.  We distorted our own faces without the use of a computer and spent hours enjoying our amazing ability in the mirror!  This was back in the day before anyone had a computer at school and (gasp) the internet didn't exist!  Since then, we've birthed a combined total of 9 children and have done lots and lots of momming. 
Yesterday we heard Morgan's side of the ongoing middle school story. Today Heidi is gladly sharing her perspective from the Mom point of view. I must say, it doesn't always go well when moms get involved, more on that subject later, but this is one situation that was a success.  The success was partly due to the attitude in which Morgan's mom approached Heidi, and even just as important, Heidi's open attitude to hear hard things about her daughter. Moms, pull up a chair and listen.

Heidi's story....

1. I'd received "the call" from Morgan's mother, on numerous occasions, regarding how Britni was treating her daughter. We spent a great deal of time discussing the girl's personalities, patterns of behavior, and various offenses. I was glad her mother shared her feelings and how her daughter was affected by Britni's treatment, and truly wanted to see things mended and resolved between them. Taking initiative to appropriately deal with the other party I think is imperative. Consider the other parent may be totally unaware. I was open to tough words and criticisms and it shed light at home with Britni beginning to act very abrasively towards her siblings or when she'd have other friends over. Britni had the stronger "leader-type" personality; Morgan was shy and a follower of sorts. Efforts were definitely made on both of our parts to help guide, instruct and counsel our daughters on how to share their feelings appropriately, and what is or is not acceptable behavior. My kids know that when a teacher, classmate or adult has an issue with them, my first question will be directed to them, "What did you do to play a part in this?" I've noticed that parents who are quick defenders of their little angels and believe they can do no wrong, will create self-centered, self-serving children (call it bratty), or will at some point be devastated about the devilish behavior their kids are capable of. God's Word promises us that "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." Some have a larger capacity for it than others, but all are capable of foolish behavior. We need to be "parent" enough to see the truth about ourselves and our children and be willing, humble and forthright in our path to correct it.


2. If your kids are behaving badly elsewhere, you may not be aware of it until you see it manifest at home. When bad behavior rears it's ugly head, you can be sure it's not contained within the walls of just your home. It WILL be seeping out somewhere else or upon someone else. So pay attention with how they are treating siblings and obvious signs of disrespect at home.


3. Sometimes as parents, we are backed into a corner with choices for our children. My gut told me to get her out of school and give her a long break at home. My mind told me I'd ruin her education. My heart told me she was at her breaking point and needed an intervention of the Mom-kind. My spirit said she needed some peace and deep inner healing.


4. There were so many changes the kids and I were having to make and adjust to.  The one stabilizer was, I thought, keeping the kids in their Christian school with their friends and familiar environment. Everything else in our world had changed: no dad, loss of our home, business failure and much more. Everything for them had changed. I fought hard to make ends meet to keep them in their private school. When I saw how difficult life was getting for Britni, I didn't realize it had a lot to do with her lashing out and subsequent backlashes with her friends.  She seemed to have managed to put her self smack in the middle of every conflict between friends or the boys whom they liked. She'd become the go-between, the secret-agent, The Informer. I realized she wasn't functioning well, at all, even though we were only two months into her school year. I made a very tough decision to step in, remove her and bring her home to homeschool her. This was about the only thing that I was in control of and could do about the situation. Taking a break from the catty girls and bringing her back to a safe place was the best thing I could have done at the time. I also withdrew my two younger children in k-4 and k-5. They too were anxious and emotional with attending school. We had a wonderfully restful, peaceful year at home together.


5. I thought it interesting that she felt so alone. We spent hours at a time together pouring over her troubles, anger, frustrations and attitudes. The year at home was a long one. Many times her anger was turned on me or her siblings since there was no one else to blame. We had many emotional talks where she'd drain out her thoughts, disappointments and struggles. Listening was key. There is one thing that comes to mind that kids don't understand.  They may feel alone in their pain or suffering, but they are not truly alone. Britni probably felt very alone in her brokenness, voicing "Nobody understands me!" "You don't understand or know how it is!!"  But I know the reality of how much investment was made in her life. She was also reaping consequences she had caused in her life- isolating herself by her own actions of poor friendship. Perhaps it would have been helpful to point that out to her in this light, that we do bear our consequences and choices very much on our own, no one can pick up our hearts and carry our burdens in their entirety.  But we, as a family, and with God as our Father, can bear each other's burdens and help lighten the load. And in fact, that is just what happened. When she returned to school the next year, she was a changed young lady. Kinder, compassionate, considerate, well-liked, more self-controlled, stabilized and a healthier perspective on who she wanted to be. She eventually became cheer captain and was the class president her Junior year. This period of time was when I realized I needed to truly invest in learning more about parenting through adolescence, study teen development and issues, read respected authors and counselor-recommended books, and how to be more pro-active instead of reactive as a mother.


6. Parenting is not for wimps or the faint of heart. We were all once foolish children. Hopefully with the help of our loving Father God, we too have been disciplined and Disciple'd into maturity.


As Heidi and I talked over the phone, what Heidi said caused sudden understanding for me about the "aloneness" factor. What she said is true. No matter who was around Britni at the time, talking with her and loving her through her struggles, there was still a feeling of aloneness in Britni.  That was one of her consequences, the friendless corner she had backed herself into. Sometimes no one can take that away. We bear consequences for our actions. Remember that in Britni's telling of this, she said though the year was hard and lonely, that was at the point God began working in her life.  Sometimes only God can restore.  But we have to allow Him in to do that. As moms we want to relieve all suffering from our kids lives, but sometimes we have to stand by and watch it happen, while still supporting them, in order for them to grow. That's not easy.

Special thanks to my dear friend Heidi for sharing a glimpse into her side of the story.  Thank you for those good words to moms.  It is hard to hear anything negative about our kids and it takes a strong mom to do so.  The way she handled Britni in this situation helped to restore her and to also protect a friendship that has ended up surviving many years.

And she continues to pour into many teens' lives on a daily basis.

More coming up on when and if moms should get involved in girls conflicts.  Now that's a loaded topic!

Pt. 4 - Ellie's Side

If you've missed it, we've been in an ongoing series for Anti-Bullying Month, retelling my friend Britni's story from her middle school years.  I told you the detective in me came out when we got into this story, and I had to find Ellie! Ellie and I have now conversed via phone to get her side of this drama.  Kinda fun becoming a reporter of sorts... I have great respect for these girls being willing to re-live some less than glamorous moments of their lives, in order to be a help. "Ellie" also gave permission to use her real identity, so today I introduce you to Morgan, aka Ellie.

Catch up on the story now if you need to so you can truly appreciate Morgan's perspective!

Pt. 1, Pt. 2, and Pt. 3 (Middle School Mean Girl Drama)

Now, to set the scene, I asked Morgan what her personality was like in middle school.  Britni was a strong personality, a leader, a go getter. Morgan was quiet, sensitive, compassionate.  She said if someone looked at her the wrong way, she might have cried back then. However, with Britni, her crazy silly side was brought out also,  in their very comfortable friend moments. They had a lot of fun during their many good times!

In Morgan's own words....

"I love Britni, and I have since we were in middle school together. I think what really drew me to Britni was the fact that even though she was going through so much pain- and at times she was not always the truest friend- I would see these glimpses of her strength, love and loyalty to me.  I always knew she was going to do big things, and now she is out traveling the world for Jesus! (You can see what Britni's currently up to at http://britnibersin.theworldrace.org/).  When Britni says to me 'I'm sorry I wasn't always the nicest to you', I have to refresh my memory to even remember some of the situations that took place.  It's really amazing how forgiveness can do that.


I do remember days when my so called "best friend" would blow me off to hang out with the more mean and dominating girls, or when she would point out a flaw in me, in front of others, for her own attention.  It was very painful at the time, but I seem to always remember back then that hurt people hurt people, and Britni was hurting.  I realized that I wasn't going to do any good hurting her back, so I tried my best to keep on loving her, even when it was so hard to do so.

What I couldn't understand is why Britni was trying to have these relationships with these dominating mean girls during her difficult times, trying to win their approval when she didn't have to do anything for mine.

Many times when Britni said something mean to me, I'd run to my mom and cry.  My mom always tried to protect me when I was upset or she would encourage me to take breaks from my friends when they were hurtful.  She was compassionate and also a problem solver, so on occasion,  my mom approached Britni's mom and together they talked us through problems.  

My mother is really a good woman and I am actually very grateful she is so strong & wise, otherwise I don't know if I would have survived school and  some friendships when I was younger.

There were times that Britni and I may have hung out less but I can't remember if that was by our own choice, or moms encouraging a break. (It's nice to know what seems traumatic right now may not be remembered in a just a few short years!)

I remember feeling like I had this mission to be at my friend's side through her pain, even if that meant I would be hurt at times. I realized the pain that my friend was going through was real.  Deep down I knew the other girls were just taking turns hurting one another, and if I could stay out of it as much as possible I could avoid some pain.


I did choose to forgive Britni and other girls that hurt me.  But honestly, I didn't always know how to protect myself. Looking back, if I could warn young ladies of anything, it would be that it's so crucial not to allow the way others treat you affect how you feel about yourself.  Growing up, I always had people who I thought were friends take advantage of me and treat me unfairly.  Sadly, my insecurity made me believe it was okay to be treated this way as long as I just loved and forgave everyone.  Later in life, girlfriends who treated me unkindly became boyfriends who treated me unkindly.  I eventually had an abusive boyfriend for the majority of my high school years.


Now I believe it so very important to always stand up for yourself.  We won't always have the control to make others treat us kindly or fairly, but we can choose how we react.  I believe it is important to remember to love God, love others, but also to love yourself.  I needed back then to know that it was never okay for people to treat me this way.  I had to grow to learn who I am and how to be my confident, fabulous self!


Above everything, we must always take our pain to Jesus.  He is by far the ultimate healer.  Without feeling His acceptance, we won't know how to stand against the cruelty of others. 

Looking back on this story, what is so neat to see is that God uses what we have gone through to strengthen us and to help us help others.  Through the persistent love I have had for Britni despite of what we went through, it's amazing to see God in all of this, and that our friendship has carried on.  We now love one another and push each other towards the things God has for our lives.  I am so blessed to have her in my life!"

I'm so happy to tell you Morgan married a wonderfully kind (and good looking!) husband on December 11, 2010 and is happily married, still growing in her understanding of all these life issues.

When I asked what she wishes she would have done differently back then, she had an interesting answer.

"I wish I'd known who I was, who God made me to be..and had been confident in that. If you don't know who you are, you'll let anyone tell you who you are.  In Christian schools, kids often don't want to be there, but even the ones who do may not understand their relationship with God and how that should affect their daily life.  They can be in church and chapels all the time, so FEEL like they are being spiritual, but my challenge to those kids now would be this- spend time with God alone, ask Him "Who am I? Who have You made me to be?" I wish I would have concentrated more on my one on one time with Jesus, my personal relationship with Him.  If I could have understood who I was in His eyes, I don't think I would have listened to other people so much. "

My observations from Morgan's story...

1.  Morgan's personality is a gift- a compassionate loving supportive friend.  One of life's greatest treasures. In that compassionate gift, she now sees that she needed boundaries also.  Girls often can love potential and good traits, while overlooking negative behavior. It took the help of her mother to know what behavior from a friend should not be overlooked and where boundaries were needed to protect herself.

2.  Morgan felt her choices were 1) hurt Britni back or 2) just keep on loving and forgiving her even when it's hard.  Morgan isn't alone in thinking those are the only choices.  I've seen that with many girls over the years.  In our efforts to teach them the "Christian way", we have taught them is to be kind and loving and forgiving, but we may have slacked on teaching them boundaries and conflict resolution.  Knowing what to take and what not to take from someone is a subject we need to roleplay with our daughters. Standing up for themselves, or even knowing when to, is not a natural ability in middle school. It has to be taught and it's a crucial life skill.

3.  What boundaries could have been set? Looking at their situation objectively, with no emotion, I could envision this scenario...

When Britni starts to tell Morgan what to do, who to like and who to be mad at, she can say, "Britni, I don't let anyone tell me what to do or who to like. If you're going to be that way, I'd rather not hang out. I like you, but not the way you're acting."  If Britni changes her ways, Morgan can keep hanging out with her. If she doesn't, Morgan can stop hanging out with her, at least for awhile.  She may be able to say, "Britni, why are you acting that way?" or "Hey I miss hanging out with you, are you still hanging out with the mean girls? How long are you gonna do that?" If Britni begins to miss the friendship, she may be more inclined to change her ways and go back to the true friend.  If not, Morgan may need to leave Britni alone until Britni amends her ways.

4.  In her insecurity, Morgan internalized mistreatment and allowed it to affect how she felt about herself.  She recognizes the only thing powerful enough to combat her inner feelings was her own relationship with God.  Being older now, she realizes the strength and healing that is possible with God's help.  I thought that was interesting she knows  now that a stronger relationship with God would have helped her at the time.

5.  It's possible to be mean without thinking you're mean.  Britni said in her post "I wasn't intentionally mean to Ellie".  But she said mean things to Ellie. So from Ellie's angle and in reality, Britni was mean (at the time).  Britni judged herself at the time from an internal perspective, that she was just dealing with life.  The truth was, which Britni acknowledges now, is that she was mean.

Lesson from that? Girls you are dealing with now, maybe even your daughter, may say they're not mean, and truly believe it, while they are acting out very mean behavior.  It takes a lengthy look to get to the bottom of things.

Back in Pt. 3,  I said it must be such a relief for the "Ellies" of the world to realize the mistreatment they endured wasn't because of their own failings, but because of the meanness of the perpetrator.  After hearing Morgan's side, it's only a relief looking back, when the situation is over. It doesn't save the Ellies from the pain put upon them at the time it occurs.

It's not okay to be mean.  It's not okay to hurt people or cause them pain. Britni agrees with this now. She's been portrayed as mean girl for a few posts, and she was, but it was only a small portion of her life. Morgan says  "Now that Britni and I are older its nice because we have each others back when we are going though things, and there is this 100% acceptance for one another. I can't honestly remember the last time we had a disagreement."  Here they are at Morgan's wedding last year :)

Let's continue to teach our kids the value of other human beings. Let's help our kids walk through the trials of life in depth, being open to hearing things they don't necessarily say out loud, and walking them through things they may feel they have to navigate alone. Some things are just too hard to figure out alone before life gives wisdom that only age can bring.

Tomorrow, you'll get to meet Britni's mom.  She has some encouraging words for moms out there. You won't want to miss it!