Mean Stinks!

Need deoderant?!

Buy Secret!

No really, we just love Secret Deoderant because of the "Mean Stinks" campaign that they started to combat girl meanness and bullying!

Some celebrities have teamed up with Secret and together they have spread the "Gang Up for Good" cause.  Paint your pinky blue and help spread kindness at your school this year.

At Girls 101 Friendship Camp last week we watched quite a few of the videos made by Mean Stinks.

Here's one with celebrity Demi Lovato:

Follow the "Mean Stinks" page on Facebook for encouragement and tools to combat bullying. 

Or check out the website www.meanstinks.com for the same, plus lots of videos on girl conflict and what to do about it.

The last day of camp was so cool. A dear friend Britni came to share her very personal story with the girls at camp. She was the Mean Girl in middle school. She therefore lost all of her friends but one. She had to decide to become different, apologize to people, and become a better friend. You can read the whole story HERE and HERE. In a third part of the story, Britni describes some of the inner thoughts she had back then, the reasons why she acted the way she did. WE LOVE BRITNI now and it's hard to imagine her that way! 

After Britni shared her experience, she then was the one to paint the pinky of each girl BLUE as we took the Mean Stinks pinky pledge to "stamp out the mean!"

I LOVE the creativity and seriousness of the girls with the cause! EVEN our Silhouette friend "Karen Fred" got a pinky painted blue! (After we drew a hand on her!)

Gang up for Good....because Mean Stinks!!

Girls 101 Summer Camps - Sign Up Now!

I'm so excited to announce TWO GIRLS 101 SUMMER CAMPS! This is one of the events that is open to all the girls of our community, so grab some friends and sign up today!

1) "Friendship Camp- Making and Being a Good Friend" 

In a fun, interactive setting, you'll understand the gift of friendship, the secret of a girls' greatest need, why girls fight, tips on getting along and the challenge of being a she-ro!

JUNE 3, 4, 5 for graduated 4th and 5th grade girls. 10:00am - 1:00pm daily. UPSTAIRS at The Blue Cottage, 409 E. A Street in Jenks, just off Main Street. Enter by the outside staircase to second floor.

Cost is $90.00 per girl by May 17. A non-refundable deposit of $50.00 will reserve your spot today! The remainder is due by May 17.

(Early  bird discount if paid in full by May 3 is $75.00.)

Bring a sack lunch each day- we will enjoy lunch together! Drinks provided.

T-shirts are available to order for $15.00 with registration. 

(click on this link right here to sign up!) http://www.5things.us/p/sign-up-for-summer-camp.html

If you would prefer to sign up by mail instead of paying online, please click on the above link, click on the big green button that says "Sign Up Now" and print the form. Mail form and payment to: Holly Tumpkin, Girls 101, 9524 E. 81st St. Suite B1503, Tulsa OK 74133.


2) "Identity and Influence- Coloring Your World"

As always, in a fun and interactive atmosphere, you'll learn about keeping grounded in who you are and using your influence for good in a world that needs you! We want to discover how to strengthen the "friend world" around you, to understand motivations of people....understanding yourself and others during a potentially confusing time of life, middle school.

JUNE 17, 18, 19 for graduated 5th and 6th grade girls, 10:00am-1:00pm, UPSTAIRS at the Blue Cottage, 409 E. A Street in Jenks, OK. Enter by the outside staircase to second floor.

Cost is $90.00 due by May 31. A non-refundable deposit of $50.00 will reserve your spot. Remainder due by May 31.

(Early bird discount if paid in full by May 17- $75.00). 

Bring a sack lunch each day- we will enjoy lunch together. Drinks provided.

T-shirts are available to order at $15.00 with registration. 

(click on this link right here to sign up!) http://www.5things.us/p/sign-up-for-summer-camp.html

If you would prefer to sign up by mail instead of paying online, please click on the above link, click on the big green button that says "Sign Up Now" and print the form. Mail form and payment to: Holly Tumpkin, Girls 101, 9524 E. 81st St. Suite B1503, Tulsa OK 74133.

Here are some pictures from last year's Friendship Camp!

 JOIN US THIS SUMMER FOR A BLAST! Come alone, come with a group of friends, whichever you prefer. Last camp we had girls from 5 schools there. We mix it up, make new friends and have a lot of fun!!

I will love you forever if you'll forward this along to friends and family who have girls in this age range!!

Is She Too Fat for TV?

If you have watched the news or been on Facebook today, you've probably already seen this video.

Just in case you haven't, please take a moment and watch.

October is Anti-Bullying Month, and this is a great story with which to kick it off.

A Wisconsin news anchor, Jennifer Livingston, who was the intended target of some rude email communication, has instead won the country over today and become the hero. This woman takes on her attacker in an incredibly intelligent, healthy, confident way and I love it.

A quote from the email she received from a pseudo-viewer:

"Surely you don't consider yourself a suitable example for this community's young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain."

You can read the entire article here.

Or if you'd like to watch the  VIDEO OF THIS BRAVE WOMAN, which I would recommend, you can see the spirit in which she delivered her response.

The main point she came against was the fact that he is saying she cannot be a good role model for girls and/or people because she is overweight, which is just silly.

Yes, obesity is a problem in our country. Yes, I am overweight too. But after years of being around teen girls, just as dangerous as obesity is the opposite end of that spectrum. Girls are obsessed with having to look perfect because of all the images that surround them daily.

Eating disorders and what I'd like to call thinking disorders are just as big of a problem, just not as visible as weight. Believe me, girls struggle with body image.


Would a perfectly sized woman who is anorexic or bulimic be an okay news anchor in this guy's eyes?

I wonder.

Cheers and applause to Jennifer.

Pt. 3 - A Peek Inside Meanness

Did you pull out your popcorn and enjoy hearing Britni's middle school story unfold in the last two posts?!

(As much as you can "enjoy" reading mean girl stories that is....)

If you missed them, here they are again.

Middle School Mean Girl Pt. 1 and Mean Girl Pt. 2.

Sitting in Starbucks, hearing her story in person added all the heartfelt emotion that a blogpost can't properly convey. At the end of her story, I had to ask WHY... "Why do you think you acted the way you did?"

Because, you see, I know Britni and know she's not evil at heart. At all. Far from it. What makes a girl do mean things? A girl raised in a good family, well taken care of, not lacking in opportunity, raised in church, in a Christian school...

She shared these things with me.

1. Anger, inner turmoil and stress of personal situations made me want to be mean to others.
2. I couldn't confide in anyone really, or felt like I couldn't, so the stress came out in anger.
3. I looked to get reactions from others, because of the problems going on in my own life that I had no control over. I was reacting to my own problems with stress and anger, therefore I tried to cause reactions in other people too.
4. I was jealous of attention that other girls got, so a lot of the things I did was to get attention too.

Now, once again I paused hearing this. Number 2 bothered me. I know her family. She had many people to talk to. She was surrounded by family and friends who cared. She should have had me too. How did she feel like this? I know her family did talk to her, care for her and pay attention to her. Even with all of that, she felt this way. It's possible to feel alone even when you're not. I'm sad she felt alone during that time.

This has happened in my own parenting recently. I think I have processed something important effectively, later to find out my kids opinion is, no, not really. How could you say that? I said this, this and this. You said this. We talked about it. Somehow sometimes they don't hear it like we think it happened. People process differently. Maybe we should double check. And triple check?

And for #5, I was so curious about her treating Ellie differently at school then at home. I had to ask why, having seen this situation so many times. The friend acts great one on one or at home, then acts weird or mean at school or in front of other people. Why do girls do that?

5. I loved Ellie and knew she didn't want to be part of being mean, so I ignored her at school, but I still really liked being with her, so one on one I could be friends with her.

Being older now, Britni realized that didn't totally make sense, but in middle school it did.

How must Ellie have felt during this time? confused? wondering whether to give Britni more chances? I wonder!

Usually the "Ellie" of the situation feels hurt and wonders what's wrong with herself to make her friend mistreat her. But that wasn't the case at all. Britni loved Ellie, respected her, and liked being with her. Britni just divided her personality in half in order to deal with what she had created.

I found this interesting and a probable relief for all the Ellies out there! The problem wasn't with Ellie. Britni recognized it as a problem within herself. Not that it solves the problem or makes Ellie hurt less. Not that it's ok. We aren't giving a blanket "okay" for this, just trying to make some sense of the reasoning.

I got intrigued writing this and am attempting to find the true Ellie and hear her side. Detective suit on. Trench coat and magnifying glass out. Will let you know what I find.

I will say again Britni learned her lesson the hard way, through becoming a victim herself and enduring a very difficult year, of which she didn't share all the details for quite awhile. She allowed God to do a great work in her life, change her heart and she has take responsibility for her actions. She is more than willing to tell on herself now, in a hope to help girls not do what she did. Follow her blog now as she travels the world in an 11 month venture, 11 countries in 11 months with The World Race. http://britnibersin.theworldrace.org/.

Meanwhile, also pursuing other stories from girls who have been the victim of bullying, so we can get a personal understanding of that side too. I know it's personal and perhaps painful to relive, but can be a source of education for others, in an attempt to combat what has become a huge problem in our country.

Let me know if you have one to share.

Pt. 2 - Mean Girl

Yesterday we left you hanging! Peep on over at Part 1 if you missed it before you read this post!

Middle School Mean Girl Turned Missionary- Pt 1

Britni had spent her entire 6th grade year being the mean girl, even into a portion of her 7th grade year...before things began to take a turn for the worse....

She was in a private Christian school where many kids ran around with smiles on their faces and "acted right" at the "right times", but were completely different behind the scenes. And we all know girls are pretty sneaky. They know how to appear innocent when necessary and still do damage to those around them, all while keeping a smile on their face!


In Britni's own words:
"Midway through our 7th grade cheer season, everything changed. A new girl decided to join the squad. She just transferred from a public school and she was gorgeous. Not to mention, just as cruel as we were. Being the new girl, she stirred curiousity from our peers. From myself, she stirred jealousy. I tried to protect what my friends and I had "built" for ourselves by gossiping about her and spreading around half true stories I had heard. But instead of joining in with me, my friends flocked to her. Needless to say, I was left once again, alone. Abandoned. Just like I felt from my parents divorce. I really hit a low point in my lost and festering emotions. I spent many times at school alone now, usually eating lunch in classrooms or bathrooms. Ellie stuck by me. It got so bad I decided to quit my private school and study at home for the rest of 7th grade year. I was so angry and hurt. I wanted nothing more to do with these people. I wanted nothing more to do with people in general. All they had proven to me was their capability to leave.

It was while I was at home that "the rumor" started. I began hearing comments from people regarding my sudden disappearance from school. Lies were being spread around that I was pregnant. They were whispering, gossiping, word vomitting all over me. ME! I was the gossiper, not the gossiped about! And yet, somehow, I had become the center of a vicious and degrading rumor mill for the first time in my life. Honestly, at the time I'm not even sure I completely knew how you get pregnant. My reputation took a beating. But this was the thing it took for me to take a real close look at myself for once. I had to swallow my pride and realize that they were now treating me how I had treated them. I was finally reaping the harvest from the seeds I had sown. Although I spent the remainder of my year feeling completely alone, I had started a process of growing up and allowing God to work on the mess of pain and filth hiding in my heart.

God began to bring across my path some wise individuals who spoke truth to me. One man once told me, "If you want a true friend, be a true friend." I pondered what that meant for me as I took this year at home to re-build. I also learned that it's okay to hurt, but you need to talk to someone about it. You can't deal with pent up emotions by yourself, otherwise you'll end up pouring out your wrath on others. So, as 8th grade finally came around, I gathered the courage I had gained and the lessons I had learned and headed back to school. That next year was easily one of the best school years I've ever had. And what's even greater? I gained true friends, many of which, especially Ellie, I've been close with to this day (a whole 8 years later)."

Insights: (not that these are correct actions or motives, these are observations of WHY)

1. It was because of Britni's jealousy that she lashed out at the new girl. Jealousy breeds drama.
2. In Britni's mind, the new girl threatened the friendship structure she had built with her friends, so Britni went into protective mode, trying to keep the new girl out.
3. Shallow friends abandon for the next new thing.
4. The friends she gossiped with, now gossiped about her.
5. It took something big for her to take a look at herself.

Now this story reads really quick and simple, but I know that the living out of these two years, especially the last one, was long and hard with much pain. She explained to me the reason her 8th grade year and on were so much better. She and some of the other girls had learned their lessons and made a decision to leave the drama behind, to change their ways. They stuck together. They split ways with those who continued to live in and create drama. That was key.

Britni is extremely remorseful for pain she caused. I offered to write this story anonymously, but she said no, she needed to "own" her past. Her hope is that girls may listen and recognize any behavior of their own that may need changing.

There is still more to come on this huge subject.

Helping girls understand the motives of why people act the way they do is key to 1) building empathy and 2) helping girls not internalize mean behavior toward them as if they are at fault. Generally, the mean ones are hurting inside so they bring hurt to others. The victims often wonder "what's wrong with them" and internalize the pain as if they themselves are at fault. It doesn't lessen the pain at all to understand why someone is mean to you, but it can help your mind understand the situation and know that it's not your problem, it's theirs.

We have to learn how to deal with bullying, to teach girls how to deal with it when it happens to them. I believe in confronting it, standing up for yourself and also standing up for others who can't seem to do it themselves.

Broaching that subject soon. Stayed tuned.

Pt. 1 - Middle School Mean Girl Turned Missionary

For Anti-Bullying month, I'd love to share the TRUE story of a twenty-something girl that I've known her entire life. Brini has graciously written out her middle school story to share, in hopes of helping some girls along the way. So grateful for her willingness and honesty. She is a changed person now and has much wisdom to share about middle school and mean girls.

Yesterday's blog also revealed some local teen girls thoughts on friendships in general. Make sure and check that out too for some juicy tidbits.




But first, let's go back a couple of decades! Here is sweet Britni ate age 2 at my wedding!

Isn't she presh??! And WAY too cute and sweet to ever do anything mean!! Right?! Well not according to her. (p.s. gotta love that 80's master headpiece! even though it was '91... Some of us hung on to the 80's.) Britni has grown into a wonderful young lady, and is currently on an 11 month missionary journey around the world, doing daring things that few of us would do! You can join in on that adventure via her blog at http://britnibersin.theworldrace.org/. She has raised quite a chunk of change and still has quite a chunk to go to finish out her 11 months! It's a good cause. This is her now as the fabulous missionary that she is:

If you get inspired by her journey, feel free to contribute by giving online at the above website.

BACK TO the Mean Girl Story!

I love her story because she gives us a rare glimpse into the mind and motivations that mean behavior often stems from. I believe if girls can hear her story and understand her perspective, they will either 1) take a look at their own behavior or 2) have a better understanding of how to deal with girls who may be acting this way towards them!

So let's get to PART ONE of her story...(it's too long for one blog post.)

Fyi, this took place at a private Christian school. 6th grade.

"Middle School. Oh dear sweet middle school. So full of innocence, right? Maybe not as much as you'd like to think. Most pre-teens won't be out drinking on the weekends or visiting the backseat of a car with their "boyfriend/girlfriend", but that doesn't mean there isn't a battle to be fought! For me, and for most, it would be the fight for popularity. What would you do for the top spot on the A-list of your social sphere? We will leave that an unanswered question for now. Not so sure we would all want to confess that one out loud. I'll admit, however, that I was willing to risk others' reputations over my own. The possibilities truly were endless. Remember that law about reaping and sowing? Well this is one of those stories. I started off in 6th grade already emotionally torn up. My parents were in the process of an ugly divorce and I didn't handle it well. Abandoned is a good word to describe how I felt. I am not sure I understood the full extent of the emotions I was dealing with, but I certainly knew they were there. I always saw them (the emotions) manifest through my actions toward others. I truly wasn't a mean spirited person, I was just hurting and immature. I did find an outlet for a period of time through cheerleading. I quickly bonded with a group of girls who were alot like me; outgoing, adventurous and in need of attention. And boy, did we LOVE attention. We often sought it at the expense of others. We did things like de-panting girls in gym class and mocking kids during chapel praise and worship. Harmless things, like throwing gum in girls hair and laughing when they didn't notice. That's harmless, right? We spread vicious rumors about the people we didn't like and found entertainment in watching it spread like wildfire. We never thought about the way that it actually made people feel. We were just looking for a response from our peers. Now, I've got to step back for a moment because I feel I am painting a bad picture for the cheerleaders out there. We weren't all like that. There were actually a few that knew who they were and didn't stoop to our level. One in particular was a really good friend of mine. I will call her Ellie. I greatly admired this girl because she stood her ground and didn't let our influence get to her. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to respect that. I often blew her off to hang around my mean friends. I wasn't intentionally rude to Ellie. I really did love her as a person. I think it was just hard for me to be around her because her standard convicted my own behavior. I was also confused at what a real friend was. I thought that since she didn't want to do all the things I did, she thought she was better than me. True friends, in my mind, were supposed to do all things together; good and bad. I was really split over my different groups of friends. In response, I split my time and maybe even my personality to some degree. I would hang out with the "cheer girls" at school and all related activities, and I'd hang out with Ellie when no one else was around. I really couldn't find a way to fit these two parts of my life together. I am not sure I will ever know the extent of the damage I caused Ellie, but I'm thankful she stuck around anyway. Midway through our 7th grade cheer season, everything changed...A new girl decided to join the squad..."

And now...you will have to wait for tomorrow to find out what big change happened!! SIGH!!! Not fair, I know...Stay tuned. it's a good one, full of drama.

Insights so far...
1. she hurt others because of her own pain
2. she didn't consider herself a mean person, just did things without thinking with similar girls.
3. she looked up to Ellie who was different, but she didn't understand how to deal with it.
4. Ellie probably felt confused and blown off by Britni's behavior, but it didn't mean that Britni didn't love her. Britni wanted to keep Ellie in her life, but didn't know how to be both kinds of people at once.
5. Britni misunderstood true friendship.

Lots more coming up on girl issues. (The new facebook layout has made viewing so much more difficult! Agreed?) So "Like" our page 5 Things on Facebook to get all the updates, or subscribe by email at http://www.5things.us/ to get every post!

Wanna Know Girls Thoughts on Friendships?

October is anti-bullying month. We've got some great things coming up on that subject, a real life story to share, but I want to start out with some real thoughts on friendships, from recent meetings held with local teen girls.

After years of meeting with teen girls talking about life issues, loneliness is one common theme that has never changed, no matter the age or the different group of girls I'm talking to. Girls can tend to be lonely. As busy as we are, it's an interesting thought! A middle schooler this weekend said "That's why girls want to have a boyfriend". Another said that girls you'd never expect sometimes post things on Facebook or Twitter declaring loneliness. Loneliness may be partly due to the fact we are made with such a great capacity for relationship. Learning what to do with that need for relationship is helpful.

Girls often say with sadness how they rarely have time to get together with so many friends they really enjoy. We talked of the need for relationship and friendship, how crucial it is. Our lifestyles sometimes make us so busy, they definitely feel stress at young ages, but does the primary need for good relationships get squeezed out? Good friendships are part of what eleviates stress in our lives. Are we making time for people? It's something to consider. It seems a constant battle for all of us, adults too. I know I can relate!

It is helpful to let girls know that occasional loneliness is relatively normal and they aren't the only ones that feel that way. So often we do feel like "the only ones" who feel a certain way. Oh, I'm normal?! What a relief! Sometimes just knowing that helps. It may be a surprise to learn some girls feel this way at all. Not all do, but it may be helpful to bring it up sometime and see if the girls you know can relate.

When we do have that great fun time with friends, it's so important who we hang out with. Friends influence us one way or another. At our last two meetings, girls have had to think through what character traits are important to them in friendships.

A group of 8th graders individually write down the 5 most important character traits they wanted a close friend to have. Then as a group they had to unanimously agree on just 3 of those traits as the most important. This was a difficult task which led to very interesting discussion!

After a lively debate, we finally realized narrowing down to 3 would be impossible before moms arrived to pick up girls to go home. These girls had lots of thoughts and compelling arguments! So the final 5 they could agree on as tops were: honesty, trust, Christian, fun, and a friend who listens. Each had their own personal top 3, that weren't necessarily the same as others, which is totally fine. It wasn't a right or wrong answer, just an exercise to think through what traits a good friend should have.

Lastly, looking in the mirror is necessary (but definitely not quite as fun), as we ask ourselves, am I displaying those qualities that I seek from others? This question solicited a couple of groans and sheepish looks....but teaching girls to consider their own behavior will give them life long skills they'll need for good relationships.


Random thoughts girls have shared this month-

1. I want a friend who listens to me. Some girls want to talk about their problems all the time, but get annoyed when I want to talk about mine.
2. I want a friend who isn't a downer all the time. If someone is negative a lot, I feel it pulling me down with them.
3. I want a friend who really wants to be with me. I don't want to be their back up plan.
4. I have alot of people tell me their problems. I have to make sure I don't get burdened down trying to take care of everyone's problems.
5. "Oh no..." when asked to think about how they themselves are acting toward others...indicating the need to examine self is definitely needed! :) haha... who can't relate to that?!

Discussion starter: When girls you know, daughter or otherwise, are talking about friends, ask what it is they enjoy about that person. Just listen. This can help her think through what traits are important to her in relationships.

Sometimes the opposite approach works too. If she is having friendship problems, recognizing what that friend is doing that hurts her, helps her to see the positive quality that friend may be lacking.