5 Things Story- Jana Pepin Emerson Shares About Her Mom

Yesterday the 5 Things Story of Roberta Pepin was highlighted, giving us a breath of fresh air in this complicated world of parenting. Love your kids, take care of them, teach and pray for them. Live well.

Today Roberta's daughter, Jana Pepin Emerson, 4th child of 10 and 1 of only 2 girls, shares her 5 Things she's glad her mom did while raising her. (surprise mom!)

From Jana, 5 things I'm glad Mom did….

1. Always pointed us to the Lord. I remember so many times when I was struggling with making a decision, was anxious or concerned about a relationship, my mom would encourage me to pray about it and seek God for my answer. She would say “Why don’t you take some time and do some praying about it”. Probably even more importantly, she lived her life that way. She would “go away” every once in a while to pray and re-charge herself. I can still picture her feeding a baby (because there were a lot of those in my family!) and her Bible would be open and she would be reading or praying while she was nursing.

2. My mom was (and still is) an AMAZING listener. I honestly can NEVER remember a time when my mom was too busy to listen to something I had to say. She never made me feel as though what I had to say wasn’t important or that she didn’t care. She was really good about listening and not telling me what to do but instead letting me talk through what I was dealing with and not trying to “control” or “solve” the issue. We would often tease my mom about her friendships. She has always had some close friendships with women who seem to do much of the talking and I attribute this to my mom’s amazing listening skills. She is a person who is content just listening and people are very drawn to that.

3. Gave unconditional love. I have always felt as though my mom was my biggest fan! As the mother of ten children, she was able to find the time to make each one of us feel as though we were her favorite! She is one of the very few people in my life where I feel like I can be my true self with, always. I can say anything to her and know that she will never think any less of me or judge me in that moment. She truly knows my heart and I feel extremely safe with her. I know that I have not always been the easiest person to love and forgive but my mom has always been there for me and has been a constant support.

4. Modeled the importance of thinking of others. My mom is one of those people who has always put others needs before her own. Regardless of her own daily struggles, she has always modeled the importance of putting her children, husband, and others before herself. Looking back now, as an adult and parent, I think about the challenges that my parents faced on a daily basis when raising ten children. At the time, we were all protected and had very little knowledge of the obstacles that were before them. My mom has always been gracious and kind to those around her. I do not think that it is a coincidence that all ten of us children place high value on helping others, whether that is through choosing a “helping” profession or incorporating mission work into our lives.

5. Was a strong encourager. My mom is also one of the most positive people I have ever met. She is an eternal optimist. She has always had a way of finding the good in people, even when they don’t deserve it. There have been many times in my life where I have felt hopeless or really frustrated with a situation and I know that by talking with my mom, she will be able to encourage me and remind me that God has a plan. I truly believe the success of her children is attributed to her constant support and encouragement.

Thank you Jana for giving us your perspective, looking back on life, and sharing what felt most important, as the daughter. Tomorrow we get to hear from daughter-in-law Scarlet, who was happy to share, as she is "still benefitting daily" from Roberta's parenting. Stay tuned!

5 Awkward Talks to Have This Summer #1 - Pedophiles

If I see one more story of a teacher being inappropriate with students I may blow up. Is it weekly now? And often too close for comfort? Sometimes in my own city.

This has been on my mind, but this week I saw yet another story. A Teacher of the Year was found sexting nude photos to an 8th grade student where he taught band in a middle school. In Texas.

We have had  recent crazy stories here in our town, involving even elementary aged children. I know of real stories, more than I wish I knew, about people involving inappropriate actions. Not all of them ever went public. It is too common. I've even had to call a school and report a teacher for warning signs.

As serious as this is and as much as we want to protect our children, it's still an awkward subject to bring up in normal conversation. Especially at my kids ages, when they're coming and going and rarely all home at the same time. I can see it now, as they are running out the door for work, "Oh and beware!! If anyone tries to touch you inappropriately, don't let them!" Seriously, when does it fit in??

Is it good dinner conversation? Maybe. Whenever you can fit it in I suppose. Bedtime? Sure. Sometimes I use news stories as a good way to bring up talks. With Sandusky back in the news allegedly having written creepy letters to his victims, maybe that's a way to bring it up. Use this blog as an excuse.

And how do we stop this from happening to our kids? By having the awkward conversation.

I had an idea. I have 5 Awkward Talks that should be had with your kids,  the level of intensity depending on their ages of course. What if we do this together this summer?

Over the course of 5 weeks this summer, I'll post a blog about an awkward topic. Then within the week, find a time to have a discussion with your kids about it. And share feedback.

By awkward, I mean this. For some, it will be very hard to talk about the subject. For some it will be no big deal, but for the subjects coming, frequency and reminders are always good. These are things that just don't have an easy entry point in day to day conversations. 

Your kids may moan and look at you like this.

YOU may moan and look at them like this. But do it anyway.

So today we are going to talk about pedophiles. Or creepers, as our kids would say. The problem is, sometimes pedophiles don't always come across as creepy. But eventually, they will DO something creepy. Let's talk about it.

This last spring, I attended a workshop held by E.A.P.C. Empowering Adults, Protecting Children. The statistic the presentation starts with is this startling one:

1 in 4 girls and 1 in 9 boyswill be molested by the time they are 18.

90% of molesters are known and trusted by the families of their victims.

As an advocate for youth (I just declared myself that this year. Isn't it a fancy title?), I attended this just to be informed and to be able to see warning signs, because I'm tired of stories in the news like I mentioned.

Keeping Them Safe

E.A.P.C. sells a small book, Keeping Them Safe, describing warning signs and more at the link. You may want to pick up a copy.

Here are highlights: (all quotes are from Keeping Them Safe)

- Teach your children proper body part names, not just nicknames. Why? "Potential molesters know that the mere fact that children know the proper names of private body parts is an indication of the level of communication they maintain with their parents. This is a red flag to a potential molester. He or she is more likely to steer clear of a child with that level of communication freedom with parents or guardians."

- Just like we have safety rules for all other areas such as knives, scissors and ovens, have Touching Rules.  "No one is allowed to touch your private body parts (parts of the body covered by a bathing suit) except to keep you clean and healthy (as in a doctor). Very few people have permission to do this and only when your parents say it is okay". If ANYONE, even someone you know and trust, touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, scared or confused, you should: say no or words that mean no, get away as quickly as possible, tell another trusted adult what happened, even if the person tells you not to tell."

- Predators will approach your child with something they can relate to- a lost dog, candy, etc. Anything to pull them away from safety by choice. Tell your kids that whenever they are alone and someone asks for help, don't help them. It's okay to appear rude or mean sometimes. It's not okay to help a stranger. Go get an adult to help them.

-Have a family code word for emergencies. If children aren't with you when something uncomfortable happens to them, have them call or text and use the secret word or phrase that you've chosen. Then you will know they are in trouble.

-Molesters often give gifts to their victims.  This is so true. True in many of the news stories of serial molesters, gifts are almost always a part. Even with older teens or college aged boys- if an older adult is giving you lots of gifts for no reason, be suspicious.

-The yucky part is that molesters always have a "grooming period". This includes manipulation, deceit and bribery. This can leave the victim feeling confused. For example, a man may offer a young teen boy a beer, knowing that the boy will be less likely to tell his mom of any inappropriate acts, because then he'd get in trouble for having a beer too, which he knows is clearly wrong. They will always say not to tell, and threaten the child that no one will believe them if they do tell.

- Keeping Them Safe has a chapter on good babysitter rules and guidelines too. Baths or showers should not be given by babysitter without your prior permission.

Listen to your children if they say someone is creepy. Believe them.
Show up, introduce yourself, make yourself known around other adults. Predators say they are less likely to approach a child if the adult has made themself known.

I've also heard from friends who do speaking on this subject, that often faith based kids are targeted. The reason? They are less likely to talk about sex openly, therefore less likely to report it, or be comfortable talking to an adult about it. And they are also taught to be nice and respectful, so maybe they'll have a harder time stopping the perpetrator.

Be open, let them know you can talk about anything, be brief and don't make it a lecture.

SUMMARY- (mine, not E.A.P.C.)

1. If someone makes you feel creepy, stay away. Don't be alone with them. EVEN if this is an uncle or a  coach or teacher or stepmom.
2. No adult should want to touch you, or ask for a massage, or rub your shoulders if you are one on one. If you feel weird, it is. Someone you don't know well shouldn't even try to be alone with you.
3.  IT'S OKAY TO BE RUDE AND SAY "STOP IT, that makes me feel weird".
4. My personal thing is, I don't want teachers or coaches to have cell phone numbers of my girls. If they can only communicate through text messages, they can text me and I'll pass the info along.
5. If you think it's weird but aren't sure. IT IS. Listen to your gut. You're right.
6. The ones who do tell are the brave ones that help end harmfulness to kids.

If they say someone has been inappropriate to them?

According to Keeping Them Safe: "Don't panic or show shock, remain as calm as you can. Express your belief in them. Let them know it's not their fault and that telling was the right thing to do. Report to the authorities immediately. It is your job to listen and support the child, not to investigate the allegations. Tell your child what happens next, be honest. You are calling authorities and someone will be investigating."

It has to be stopped for the safety of all kids.

Also be aware that most schools have anonymous Help Lines that you can call anonymously to leave tips- whether you know of a student who has been harmed, or if you suspect a teacher is a predator.

No one likes to be the one who tells, but for the sake of everyone, we have to. It's the right thing to do.

Now, go have this conversation. Some time this week.

Teen Years and Off to College- Mom's Panel Tips



Photo Credit

 We are on tour through the 40 minute Mom Panel presentation that I and 5 other ladies are a part of locally!


If you jumped on mid ride, check out these previous posts to catch up. This is what we do, and then don't miss yesterday's tips for raising toddler and elementary aged children HERE.


Today's tidbits  are for those TEEN YEARS and COLLEGE YEARS.






Julie, our panel Mom who has all boys, one about to marry and the youngest a senior in high school, shares her tips for TEEN YEARS.

1.  Use the phrase "Help me to understand..." instead of "Have you lost your mind!?" or the infamous "What were you thinking??!!" This phrase encourages real dialogue instead of arguments. You'll use it a lot.

2.  There is typically nothing that will happen in their lives that 2 years or even 2 months won't solve. Many things can seem so devastating at the time, but when I had my children think back to 2 years before, whatever was bothering them then had been resolved. This helps them put things in perspective.

3.   I've learned to host events in my home....no matter how expensive or painful that is! I could learn more in one evening hosting an event than in a year's worth of conversations. Get to know the kids who are influencing your child. Then you are better equipped to guide your teen on friend choices and give insight when needed.

4. Don't sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles. Is it a heart issue? Deal with things involving the heart immediately, but everything else, bite your tongue unless it's critical for their safety.

5. I've learned not to overreact or jump in too quickly. I need to respond vs. react. Unless it is life or death, I try to take a few minutes to collect myself before responding to any sort of conflict involving my child.


Dorea, also a mother of all boys, the youngest of whom is a senior in college, shares her tips about parenting during the COLLEGE aged years, or as she says, having "adult" children, who are growing into their new role.

1.  Each child is different, there's no cookie cutters in life. They will each have a different experience. Don't place your own expectations on their growth and maturity.

2.  Let them choose the place, the classes, the course of study. This is part of their learning process! Hold your tongue. They may change their mind multiple times. That's ok. Let them learn it themselves.

3.  You've had them 18 years. It's too late if you haven't taught them to make their bed, choose friends wisely or manage their money. Sink or swim, let them. Don't nag.

4.  Encourage them. Communicate in their style, whether it's texting or tweeting, learn it. Send prayers or scriptures or encouragements. Cookies and notes sent to college early on mean a lot, but don't over do it and embarrass them.

5.  They'll probably be dating, trust them. They must live with their choices. They know your values already. Have open communication. Be careful what you say- remember that person they are dating could be a member of your family one day!

Thank Yous, Paper and Pen

I heard it's National Card and Letter Writing Month!

In fact, the news came from a fun little website I discovered recently, The Art of Manliness. Check them out for all things Man.

Go with me while I try and tie a few thoughts together, tied all up into one blog topic.

The news of National Card and Letter Writing Month took my brain to the memory that there are handwritten thank you cards on my table right now to be mailed.  And one thank you note received this week from a young adult.

I was just so impressed when I got this card in the mail. So few people take the time for handwritten anything nowadays, and handwritten thank yous are becoming more rare. Verbal thank yous are not lacking, thank goodness, but let's face it, isn't it fun to get something handwritten in the mail??

I try and always have my own girls do thank you cards. We don't hit 100% in the busyness of life, but it is definitely a manner I hope they take into adulthood with them. These are almost ready to be mailed.

Following this train of thought, I'd like to introduce you to another website also found through the fabulous world of Facebook, Manners Mentor, Inc. This is an impressive website on all things manners in today's world, including things like cell phone ettiquette.

If you read the Art of Manliness article, it will take you back to the long gone days of formal letter writing. Reminds me of the movie "Kate and Leopold" with Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman.  Hugh Jackman comes forward in time to modern day. His formal ettiquette is found to be bizarre and humorous to the modern day characters, but in the end, Meg Ryan's character is won over by the honorable way he treats her.

Way back when, there was no way to communicate besides writing. Even when I was in college, not that long ago, the highlight of our day was checking to see if there were any notes left for us in the "note box" in the dorm lobby. All we had was handwritten notes and telephone calls (one phone in our room, attached to the wall). 

I still have every note my husband left me in that little note box while we were dating in college. Back then, amazingly enough, I put them all in order, and it tells a great little story. These poor kids nowadays will not have a handwritten history like that. (sniff, sniff.) They don't know what they're missing!

Recently I saw this cool story on the news. A lady is making jewelry out of old letters that her grandparents wrote back and forth in WWII, telling their love story. She calls it Wearable History. You can watch the video HERE.

Wrapping this all up?

1.  I like manners.
2.  I like handwritten notes.
3.  I appreciate websites that are trying to keep and bring back forms of ettiquette.
4.  I hope and wish younger people keep up handwritten communication.
5.  I love paper. My daughter and I went into sensory overload at a store in Dallas called Paper Source.  If you get inspired to pick up a pen, they have some beautiful paper!!

Mom of 6 - As They Transition to Adulthood

Meet Karen. Karen and I had the fun of being friends back in college, as were our husbands. Karen and her hubby Terry got married soon after and are living a full adventurous life, raising 6 kids together (just 6 of their many adventures).

Karen and I lived on the same floor as freshman...aaahh, that fun freshman year. I believe we were both a little loud and possibly crazy, but I'll vote for her being even moreso...wonder how she would vote! When I remember Karen on the wing, I think of silly fun, animated talking and a clear New York accent. And quality. Very quality person. I can imagine she'd be a very fun mom! (I just searched for a picture of us from college, but lucky for you my picture organizational skills suffer).

We have only reconnected as adults through Facebook and then had the fun of seeing each other recently for the first time since college, at a friends wedding. I got to meet some of her beautiful girls! She also has a fun family blog called KOOL DAZE, following the full life of parenting a large family in her "free spirited, fun loving ways". You can find it at http://karennkool.blogspot.com/ Check out her blog, you'll enjoy!

I asked her to share 5 things she's glad she's done, looking back as her kids are quickly turning into adults. Here is what she shared, in her words. Enjoy!

"Parenting has been some of the most challenging, exciting, heartbreaking, frustrating, exhausting, but mostly rewarding adventures I’ve known. At this point I can say that I’ve actually been parenting for about half my life. I had my first baby when I was 23, and I’ve now reached the glorious age of 44 [gasp]. My sixth and last baby, Caleigh, recently turned 10 [double gasp]. Holy smokes, how did that happen so fast??

I am not disappointed to leave those infant, toddler, and preschool stages behind. The parenting challenges of those stages were so very different than the challenges of parenting teens and young adults. And quite frankly, I like the latter stages more. They have NOT been without MAJOR challenges--trust me when I say that. The pitfalls of teens and young adults have been just a bit more serious than say... finding poop smeared on the bedroom wall, or having to deal with a biting toddler. Ahhh, weren’t those the good ole days? I suppose I enjoy parenting more now because I’ve come such a loooong way in my personal growth as a parent. That and the fact that I journaled like crazy during my own high school and college years. Its helped me remember my own experiences and what the kids must be going through.

So, what are 5 things I am thankful I did in raising my kids, now that they are beginning to enter adulthood?

I’M THANKFUL I’VE LAUGHED A LOT--Its sheer delight to see that my kids have grasped the value and ability to laugh. In the Hochstedler home we all have a fairly good sense of humor. None of us are comedians, but we like to joke and have fun. We tend to hang out with people who laugh a lot, too. My kids crack me up all the time. Its pure joy. In our home, we think its especially important to be able to laugh at yourself because it breaks down self-righteous thinking and pride. We try to promote humility. Humility with a chuckle. Its especially fulfilling when we can look back on a bad situation and have a good laugh because its been walked through with success in the end. Having the ability to laugh about things helps my kids to not be afraid of having an honest look at themselves, especially when dealing with a difficult situation.

OPENNESS AND HONESTY is a big one. I can say this, my kids have a whole variety of levels when it comes to being open and honest with me. It all depends if they are trying to hide something--and we have gone through some heartbreaking times of dishonesty and rebellion--and sometimes they just need to vent a little. I can’t describe to you the joy that fills my soul when one of my kids finds a desire to open up to me. That’s when the honesty shows up, too. Its a double whammy, in a good way. It also means they are being honest with themselves. When they open up after a season of rebellious thinking, I don’t always like what I hear, but God gives me the grace to be patient, understanding and to be a good listener. Being genuine is really what it amounts to. “Don’t just say what you think I want to hear. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Be genuine. Say what’s really going on inside. Its the only way you will find your true destiny.” I put no value in keeping up an image to hide what’s really there. I really don’t care what other people think.

DEMONSTRATING COMPASSION has been key. I have spent a lot of time talking with my kids about situations that arise among their circle of friends and at school, as well as things going on at home or in the extended family. Some parents would never be as open with their kids as I am with mine. Its a personal choice. Its who I am. Of course, I use discretion, but its a great teaching moment when, in a frustrating circumstance, I can be able to clearly point out how someone’s behavior effects everyone. And how our own behavior has an impact as well. During these dialogues I can explain my stand on a matter in a non confrontational way and hopefully lead them to making better choices for themselves. Sometimes I’ll find one of my kids put off by my “assessment” of an incident. They will feel I’m being judgmental of their friends because I’m direct about my views. So I’ll try to find ways to reference that person during other conversations and demonstrate my own heart of compassion and understanding for them e.g. point out a bad behavior I disapprove of, but share that I understand reasons why their friend is struggling and what my hope is for that person. Time and again my kids have recognized where they are being judgmental which allows God to change their viewpoint. They gain the ability to disapprove of negative behavior but still have compassion for the person. That is a victory. (Two of my daughters have mentioned a desire to become a counselors. Go figure).

YAY FOR INDEPENDENCE. My kids have all learned the value of independence fairly early! I am not a mom who likes to wait on them (or anyone) hand and foot. NOPE! I like to have fun!! ha ha My husband learned to cook early on in our marriage and makes dinner about as often as I do. We both enjoy cooking, just not all the time. My kids have all learned how to do their homework independently, do laundry, cook, clean the house (although their definition of “clean” is debatable) travel, make money, do their own banking, etc. I refuse to do it all for everyone. It sounds selfish, but actually its been very good for my kids. They have a strong work ethic. Years ago, the boys took their first trip alone to NYC (2 hours away) by themselves at 14 and 15 years old. They made a few “memorable mistakes” during those adventures, which made me want to forbid them from every going again, but, alas, the foolishness was their learning curve for the next try. They are certainly unafraid to find their own way in new territory. I like that. My sons both have great jobs and have worked since they were 13. They wanted their own money, so we encouraged it. My two oldest daughters have great jobs during the summer and part-time work in the winter. The next daughter is thinking about where she can start working now. They make me proud.

IMPARTING THE ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT. My husband and I never allowed our increasing family size to keep us from being adventurous. For example, in 1993 we spent a month in India with our 2 yr old and 6 month old, heading up 4 teams of teenagers on a mission trip (my 2 yr old came back from that trip with a biting problem). Later we went to Dominican Republic on a mission with our 10 mo old daughter and several teens from the church. After that was Guatemala. I was 6 months pregnant for that one. In 2002, we moved our whole family to a completely different community for a year. The kids loved it. My husband and the boys started dirt biking and now its motorcycles. I’ve led my girls into the musical theater world. We all go to the slopes for boarding and skiing. Terry and I have taken many adventurous trips without the kids, too. We have to make them a little jealous and star-stuck at times. And now THEY are starting to take trips without us. Nate, 18 yrs old, recently took a 2-month trip to Costa Rica all on his own. He made some life-long friends and absolutely loved it. We, of course, had to visit him for his last week there. ;-)

Its so exciting and scary to watch each of the 6 kids struggle along and find their way into adulthood. Its amazing to see so much of Terry and me in them and we are certainly blessed to have so many tries at this parenting thing. Maybe we’ll get it right by the sixth one. Its a good thing they’re in God’s hands.


BTW, the 6th item I would have added to my list would be how our home has always had its doors open to many, many young people through the years. I have a lot more the six kids if you count the extra's we've treated as our own. Our kids have all the more siblings, I suppose. I'm just glad I don't have to pay for their college too.

(Jolene, their exchange student from Germany is to Karen's right, at Karen's son's graduation).

What Do Our Lives Communicate?

Photo credit: Jadyn Noelle Photography

So I got a little distracted from this series by a personal issue and a current event but now, let's finish up thoughts on how today's communication has changed for all of us, especially teens!

Part One- Gone are the Days discusses the girls meeting I held where we went over all the communication problems now caused by texting conversations, instead of face to face communication.

Part Two- Distracted Relationships reveals that we adults too have been sucked in to the myriads of technology...enough to irritate our own kids at times.

So.  There are vast amounts of ways we communicate now. It used to be a hello and a handshake, or a handwritten, sealed, stamped letter that took days to arrive.

Now it's phonecalls, emails, texts, Skype-ing, Face Time and Instant Messaging. Just to name a few!

But many are the ways we may not be as aware of, that speak volumes about us too! And people are watching. Some things that have become normal for today's teen culture are fine, when considered and thought out ahead of time. Some things I don't consider fine. These are worth a conversation with teens.


We communicate through BODY LANGUAGE-

Tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, body language. These all contribute toward gaining true understanding of what a person is communicating. Is your friend rolling her eyes while talking to you or really paying attention to what you're saying? What does your body language say when you speak to friends?

Remember that when communicating through phone or social media, you're missing out on all these crucial elements of understanding true meaning. Many misunderstandings happen this way.

As a teen, can you hold a conversation with an adult? Can you shake hands firmly and look in the eye?

We communicate IDEAS everyday-

Whether we realize it or not, this is true. Do we pause to think about this? What ideas does your life communicate? 

Please stay with me through this thought. When talking to girls, I asked "What is your first thought of a girl who goes through lots of boyfriends in school?"  What does that communicate to you? And reverse it, what about boys who go through lots of girlfriends?

Your mind can come up with possible answers.  Not that the thought is accurate, and we are not encouraging judging people. I'm just pointing out that as humans, we cannot help but have an initial reaction or opinion to people's behavior. We may be able to work past that initial reaction and say to ourselves, "Well maybe that isn't true, I shouldn't judge". Hopefully so.  But let's face it, many people, especially in younger teen years, don't do that. It takes maturity. What we do affects what people think about us. And us of them. Right or wrong. Actions communicate.

Let's help our kids to think through initial thoughts of others, giving benefit of the doubt, not judging, yet being aware. And offering the forgiveness we all need continually. By the same token, help your teen realize that others are forming thoughts of them, right or wrong, and others may not be giving your teen the benefit of the doubt. It's important to communicate beyond initial impressions.

We communicate ideas about ourselves through PICTURES-

In today's picture obsessed world, this deserves alot of consideration.

Here is a wonderfully happy college girl like that I know. My daughter's roomie.  What does her picture communicate about her? By the way, this is how she looks most of the time! She is all flowers and sunshine to everyone she meets. It's just her. This picture reflects who she is.

During a girls meeting, I pulled up a random girl on Facebook that it took me awhile to find. No, I didn't know her, but half of the little square profile pic was her chest busting out of her rather small top.  Quiiiite a bit of cleavage shall we say.

I showed the picture to the girls. "What are your first thoughts? What do you think of her? What is she communicating about herself?" They obviously came up with answers. "Why do you think those things" is such an important question. She put her chest out there and that drums up alot of opinions, like it or not. It's human nature to have an opinion. So if you put your chest out there, odds are you'll drum up the same assumptions from others. Pictures communicate.

Consider the pictures you share and post on social media, or text to people. What are you communicating about yourself? Is it consistent with the image that you want others to have of you? If it is, great! Fabulous! If not, it's a good thing to think about.

It's way too common for kids to text underwear or naked pics to people. If you were to receive one of those, (heaven forbid), what does that communicate to you about the person who sent it? If you have sent one, what is the message you're trying to convey? Is that how you want to be thought of? Why?

I think we know that teen to early twenty years are pretty much known for silly, not well thought out behavior. I tell girls today they are the first generation that really don't have the luxury of not thinking first (unfortunately). If you take a pic, or someone takes it of you, there's not much to stop it from getting posted online, or sent to someone, whether you want it to or not.

Pictures live forever now. It used to be we could tear them up, destroy the negative. (yes, negative).  Now a picture is almost eternal! Let's be smart about it.


We communicate daily by CHOICE OF WORDS- 

Picture someone you know who always has something nice to say. They are well spoken, mannered, full of nice words. What do they communicate to you about themselves?

For those that are fellow fans of old movies, think about how classy and fun ladies were in the old Doris Day movies. Or Audrey Hepburn. Ladies were classy, well spoken.

What's fairly common in some circles today? For some girls to greet each other with "What's up b**ch?"  What does that communicate? It's a far stretch from the fun Doris Day days!

I remember being fresh out of college and getting one of my first jobs as a receptionist. A co-worker immediately didn't like me and passively called me a b*tch as she worked away next to me. I got up, went to my bosses office and said "I"ll not be working with someone so unprofessional and I won't be called a b*tch". Boss lady called us both in and we all had it out. I don't mind working with people who use language, but not directed at me. She never did it again, and we became friends.  In fact, one day when I was horribly sick at home alone in my apartment, she was the one who came and delivered medicine to me.

Another one, the EFF word is becoming way too common, with WTF and FML. If you don't know what those mean, ask a teenager. They all know. Because of texting, I'm afraid it's even more common with kids who normally wouldn't talk like that out loud. But they may type or text it.

Even if they don't say the words but text them all the time, does that make it different? That's up to you.

How you come across to people will either earn you respect...or not.

For those who are Christians, we talk about the difference between following culture just because it's culture, or following Scripture.  If culture says it's normal to send naked pics, should we do it?

We DO know.

Everyone has an internal measure. You know where the line is. Would you say certain things to your grandma or your pastor? Can I lead a girls meeting using the EFF or B word?

People know when to "clean it up" because we just internally know. Everyone would straighten up in front of the Pope. Why? People recognize certain behavior as wrong in front of someone "holy", for lack of better word.

It could be a fun exercise to pay attention to yourself for the next few days and try to see what others might see in what you do.

Discussion Starter with your teen: Go through each of the topics above and ask for their opinion on what they see at school on a daily basis. Hear out their opinions. For Christians, try and decipher what is just culture and okay, or what parts of culture contradict what Scripture teaches.

Thanks for staying with me. That was long!

Distracted Relationships

So yesterday we looked at how communication has sure changed...and it now has some hazards added, with texting, social media and diminishing social skills.

I've heard girls say they have been disappointed with friends who ignore them while they're together, just spending time on their phones or computers instead.

I personally notice our culture's obsession a lot in the waiting room. Everytime I sit in the orthodontist's office, I notice how no one acknowledges each other (not that we necessarily would anyway) and instead are all looking down at our phones. Me included sometimes, then other times I force myself to read instead, just to buck the trend.


Have you seen the funny commercial of all the people in the carpool texting instead of talking?

You can catch it right here  for a giggle!


But at our girls meeting, why did the room get mysteriously quiet when I mentioned how moms and especially grandmas I've talked to feel when their family is present, but on their phones instead of talking?

Is it less offensive when we are the holder of the phone and not the ignored one? I have to catch myself at this too! (daily)  It's truly addictive to have all of these devices!!

I told them about things I've heard grandmas tell me - how sad it is when everyone gets together and they're all on computers or phones. One grandma said her granddaughter asked her to move because "she was blocking the DVD". Grandma was just putting her in the carseat of the van at the time! Another mom lamented that company all came over but were on 3 different computers in the same room.

One girl said her grandma makes her put her phone down when she picks her up from school because it's Grandma Time. Go grandma!

My own mom told my kids to put their phones up over break, which they promptly did. Go Grandma! (I do practice this, it was during a time not much was going on, but then when Grandma joined us, put 'em up!)

I encourage grandmas to speak up when family is at your house. I don't mind. We've just slidden into laziness.  We all need to pay more attention to this.

THEN, the ouch. I have heard this so many times, but girls mention how aggravated they are when it's Mom on the technology when the teen wants to talk! Often roles are reversed!

When I first read this, and heard girls talk, I began paying attention to myself and realized with regret I was on mine too much. Even if it's doing business, paying bills or returning emails (all possible on the phone), it takes away from what's important.

Decide to notice your own behavior. Ask your kids what bothers them. Hey, this is a personal battle too. If a teen wants to talk, we'd be silly to be too busy. And if you have a little one at home, hoping one day they'll still want to talk to you as a teenager, practice undistracted attention right now. It's got to be in place before the teen years hit.

There is an interesting article about this, "Distracted Parenting" from CNN last summer.  It's worth the three minutes it'll take to read. Here's a quote to tickle your curiousity:

"The problem is, my kid sees me with that phone and doesn't think about all that real world stuff. She doesn't give me a pass. In that moment, she might believe my phone is more important than she is."


Basically, let's go back to the old days and imagine how people interacted before phones. It doesn't mean you can't bust out a phone occasionally to show a hilarious you tube clip, it just means be aware, be courteous. Don't let it be present all the time. YOU be present all the time.

If you see me doing this, remind me please.

Gone are the Days of "May I speak to ___ please?"

Tweet. Add. Follow. Creep. Stalk. Comment. Like. Send. Rate.

Communication.  It's changed. Right?

From the old days of a giant phone strapped to the wall with a spirally cord.  We had to actually stay in one place (in the house none the less) to talk. There was ONE NUMBER for the entire family. "Special- amazing- LUCKY kids may have a second phone line installed in the house for them. (gasp!)

AND we had to answer the phone with manners when it rang. "Yes, just a moment please." And when we called friends. "May I speak to so and so? This is ___".

Then came cell phones, then texting, then MySpace (thank God that's pretty much out), then Facebook, then Twitter and Tumblr. And on and on.

Echoing in my head are the voices of SO MANY high school and college aged girls  (and some moms of girls who have heard the same) who have lamented about boys who don't seem to know how to talk face to face. Like they are hiding behind technology. Too afraid to approach them in person. So instead the guys send a Facebook message as an icebreaker. Or ask girls out by text. Let me add that this is in 1,2,3,4,5 different states I'm talking about. One state didn't seem to have the problem. I can't share which, without ratting out the source, so you'll have to wonder.

The girls are not impressed.  I would sooooo love to hear the guy's side of this!! (Moms of boys, please comment!!)

On another note: Friendships among girls are affected by these new forms of communication too! At a recent girls meeting, this was the topic of our conversation. 

I want to highlight just a few things discussed among these girls. These might be great conversation starters for you and your teen!

1.  I didn't have to come up with examples, because girls read me hilarious conversations straight off of their phones of all kinds of misunderstandings via text. 

Texts don't allow any kind of normal communication skills to take place. In person, we hear the voice of the person, hear mood and expression, word inflections, which words are emphasized, see their facial expressions, hear the tone of their voice.

Texting can be so misunderstood. Ex. I didn't say you're stupid.  I DIDN't say you're stupid.  I didn't SAY you're stupid. I didn't say YOU'RE stupid. I didn's say you're STUPID. .

One sentence could be interpreted 5 different ways on a text.

Before you jump to conclusions, pick up the phone and call the person at least. Have a conversation.

2.  Therefore the girls decided it's best not to have important conversations, or fights, over text because it's too complicated with all the possible misunderstandings.

3.  All the girls had experienced this- Disappointment when they get together with a friend and that friend spends the entire time on her phone, or on facebook, or texting other people.

So much rudeness! We need to have some phone ettiquette in place.

The actions of that friend communicated, even though she didn't actually SAY words.  How?

I asked the girls what that communicates to them. The answer? "That they would rather be with that other person than me. That I'm boring them. They don't want to be with me."

Please have a conversation with your child about this. So many do this. Manners.

4.  Girls reported being kinda paranoid about texts received because they couldn't tell the tone of the text, simply because of lack of (or too much) punctuation.


Example-  I text someone. They send back "Hey!!" (they are excited to hear from me). What if they text back "hey". No punctuation. If two or three texts come across like that, I may start to wonder "are they mad at me? what's wrong??"  Silly, but real.

5.  Here's a bad one. Almost everyone had seen (or done) this- people texting someone ACTING like they were someone else. Boy, if that isn't a way to get in trouble.

But it's true, when you receive a text, there is no absolute guarantee that that text is from the person you think it is. Because you can't see them.

Because all of these girls knew of that situation happening, the odds are it happens alot. I've seen girls do this so I know it's common.

Gotta be careful.

I text. Daily. I'm not against texting!

But we have to see that all these new forms of communication require with it some guidance along the way.

Do you agree??!

MORE TO COME tomorrow on this topic. Stay tuned!!

MIDDLE SCHOOL MADNESS!!

As the school bells prepare to ring once again, moms are busy everywhere bustling from store to store to buy clothes, uniforms, books and those inevitable Kleenex and ziplock donations. Preparing our blossoming kids for middle school.

Have you prepared yourself for middle school, Mom?

Maybe you've noticed it. Growing independence, face in the phone, wanting to go to the mall more often (without you). Sure signs of the impending teenage years. In my observations over the last few years, right before 6th grade is when moms start asking questions and seeking some guidance for the next phase of life. Questions like this, "HELP!!"

A few bullet points to get you started on this brave new journey:

1. Decide your stance ahead of time on the boy issue. First of all, learn the kids terms and what they mean. "Boyfriend" could mean "we now awkwardly avoid each other at all costs and only talk through friends" or it could actually mean "we go on dates alone and make out in the movie theatre on the weekends". Probably a few other meanings in between too. What's going to be allowed? Can your daughter text guys? Can she hang out with them? Do you care if she has a boyfriend? The subject will come up so decide ahead of time. Have dad involved too and listen to what he has to say. Talk to your daughter about the why's and why not's in whatever you decide.

2. Some places may not have to worry about this, but if you are in most public schools at least, prep your daughter how to handle inappropriate talk from boys. This infuriates me. Much that could actually be labeled "sexual harrassment" will be open talk at unbelievably young ages. Within earshot that she can't ignore. What should she do when guys talk all kinds of sexual talk to her or in front of her? No matter the school policy, my own kids have our permission to do whatever it takes to defend themselves or put an end to things. So far only a pencil bag used as defense has been broken. That won't be everyone's policy, but it's ours. I happily replaced the bag.

3. Prep her for mean girl drama. It will happen. She could be on either side of it. Or stuck in the middle. Talk her through the concept that "hurt people hurt people". It doesn't cure the pain but it gives perspective of motive that allows empathy. Encourage her to be one of the much needed heroes who stands up for weaker people. Role play with her possible solutions when hard situations arise. Give her a game plan. Encourage her that it takes two to tango and if you don't engage someone when provoked, the game ends. Only the other girl is left playing. Read "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons, "Girl Wars" by Cheryl Dellasega, or if you want a Bible based approach read "Mean Girls" by Hayley DiMarco.

4. Know that 6th and 7th grade can often be the hardest years. I think it's because they are at a transition stage where most still want to be young, but they are afraid to admit or show it because there is incredible pressure to be "old". For years I have asked 13 year olds if they would rather stay young or grow up. It is almost 100% unanimous- they want to stay young. They feel pressure to dress older, talk and act older, watch and know more. Tremendous pressure to look old and to have a boyfriend. These are the things they have told me at least. My suggestion is to keep them young as long as you can. Encourage acting their age, not like high schoolers. 6th graders still have a lot of teenage years to get through. If they are allowed to do it all in 6th or 7th grade, what is there to look forward to? Pace their teenage years. Think about all the freedoms teenagers will eventually have. Will you give all those out at age 13? What will they have to wait for? It's easier to extend waited for freedoms than to retract ones given too soon.

5. Decide on social media. When are they allowed to have Facebook, Twitter, etc? Know that middle school is potential for high level drama and if they have social media, problems can follow them home. It may be a relief to have a reprieve from people at home during any difficult phases.

Keep a good line of communication open. Be available. You will survive! Teenage years are so short in comparison to the rest of their lives. You stay strong and help them to stay true to themselves during this short time. It can be done!